Exciting Tales from the Diary of an Ordinary Girl
by kimmmz
Summary: Not so long ago I thought my life was boring. Now it's so far from ordinary that I don't even know how to handle it. What am I supposed to say to the hot werewolf who just informed me that we're soul mates?
1. April 5

_April 5  
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Dear Diary,

Oh wow, this really does feel weird. I don't know if I'm going to get the hang of this – even writing that feels strange.

Right.

Today was a surprisingly okay day. I had to go visit my Grandma and Grandpa after school and usually everyone my age is like '_oh my god I hate spending time with my family they're so boring I want to die'_ but I freaking love my Grandma. She's great.

We spent the day looking through all her old diaries. She kept them so that she could reminisce and show her grandchildren what a wild child she used to be. She wrote them for like four years throughout her late teens and it was so interesting and cute to read all of the crazy shit my Grandma used to get up to. I never thought of her as some naughty teenager who snuck out of the house in the middle of the night to go visit her boyfriend (my Grandpa) to make out in the woods. If you saw her now you would never believe that these funny tales once belonged to her. When she went into a bit too much detail about how yummy Grandpa was it got a bit sickening, but it was truly so wonderful. And then she gave me this cute little navy notebook. That's you. And so I have been inspired to keep a diary of my own. And one day when I'm old and wrinkly like Granny Anne, I'll show my grandchildren and they'll be blown away by how much I've changed.

Mom says it'll be good so I can get my emotions out and then hopefully I won't be so negative. I don't know what she means.

The only problem is, while writing this, I've realised that I'm not a wild child. I am nothing like a wild child. Once, I thought I was, but then I realised that reading a book with a flashlight under my covers when I was supposed to be asleep wasn't very rock and roll at all, so I've settled that I'm a bit boring. And when I'm old and don't do a lot I'll probably pick up this little navy diary and realise that I haven't even changed one bit. I don't have saucy tails to tell about my hot boyfriend because I don't have one, and haven't had one for quite some time, but I don't dwell on that.

I don't really do much. But how can you blame me? This is La Push. What else is there to do? Go for a walk through the woods or sit on the damp sand of the beach. Maybe even jump off the cliff into the sea – apart from it's about ten degrees in the water and I'm far too chicken to ever do something like that.

All there really is around here is school and going round a friend's house, or maybe at the weekend you're lucky enough to catch a ride down to Port Angeles. But that's not too often. And school truly sucks. I'm a bit of a geek in that I like to learn things, but I can't stand school. I can't stand the teachers of even the other pupils. I mean, my friends are great and there are few others I talk to but… it just gets a bit tedious. Oh well, one more year to go. I can't to get out of there.

Like, today. What happened today? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I got up at the exact same time as usual, chucked my clothes on, chucked my hair up, spent the whole day bored and that was it, the only good thing was visiting my grand mother, and that doesn't tend to be thought of as exciting.

Oh no, I lied. Something was a bit different.

We had a presentation in Biology. I stuttered on a word and everyone laughed. I then spent the whole day trying to convince myself that nobody would remember, or even care. I'm still pretty mortified.

Nonetheless, I promised Granny Anne that I would do this, even if all I write is what I've had for lunch. Hopefully, I'll find more interesting things to write about. I owe it to my future self and my future grandchildren – if I even have any. I hope so. I'm definitely not the sort that wants to be a teen mom but I know when I'm older I'd really love to have children. I dunno. It just might not ever happen. I might not find anyone who wants to marry me, let alone have children with me. I could always adopt. Although Mom said being a single mom was tough as hell before she met Scott.

Oh well, I'm sure everything will be fine. Even if I end up filling these pages with boring, thoughtless ramblings.

I googled diary writing and apparently quite a lot of people still do it… I didn't think anyone really did. Apparently it's therapeutic. I don't know about that but I did learn that I need to find a very safe place to hide it. Apparently, under the mattress is far too obvious. Maybe my underwear draw. At least them Jason won't find it. My god, if my brother ever found out I was writing a _diary…_ I'd be dead. I'd have to die. He would not live until he could make fun of every single word in this. He would torment me until the day I die.

So, as a first entry I'm pretty sure this is the lamest one in the histories of diary writing, but I owe it my Grandma to keep at it. At least until she forgets she gave me it; her memory is getting quite bad lately.

I hope I haven't bored my future self and my future grandchildren too much. I probably won't be writing in this every day, but I'll try and remember to do it sometime. I'll wait until I come up with something worthwhile to say.

Kim Conweller.

P.S. I'm going on a diet tomorrow. I wanted to put it down in writing so that I would stick to it. I will become fit and healthy and beautiful. Maybe then I would find a boyfriend who wants to marry me and father my children.

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><p><strong>AN: Okay! This is the start to my new story. I wanted to write something a bit different and I had the idea of writing it like a diary, so I decided to just go with it - it might work and it might not, so I'd really appreciate feedback :) <strong>

**I've had a poll up on my profile about which pairing I should write about next and for a while it was Kim and Jared, although I know now it's not the highest ranking anymore. I have quite a few of the chapters written already so I should be able to update quite regularly for a while. I've really enjoyed writing this so far so hopefully I'll get more written soon as well - although I have to say I'm still struggling with the whole name thing, considering my actual name is Kim. It's so weird. **

**Each chapter will vary in length, purely depending on how much there is to write about. Usually I will always try and make each chapter around 7000 words but I think that it would be more realistic if they're short one day and long the next, as that's what it would be like if you're really writing a diary. Although if a chapter is very short then I'll make sure I post the next one soon after so it's not completely pointless.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the idea to this story, I'm merely taking a small part of the book that mentioned Kim and Jared and running with it.  
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	2. April 6

_April 6_

Dear Diary,

I feel like ripping out the last page and chucking it in the bin. It's only been a day and already my life has become drastically more interesting – maybe it was just God because he can see what I was writing and decided that I was far too boring and so decided to spice my life up. I dunno. And I don't really care. I'm just really super glad.

Anyway, let me explain.

There is this _guy _at school. We're not friends but he is gorgeous. I wouldn't ever go up to him and start talking to him (I'm definitely not that type of girl), but every so often I like to just look at him. The eye candy around La Push isn't that great, considering we've all grown up with each other but Jared… Jared is something else.

He hadn't been at school for a couple of weeks. According to Lucy and Michele, he's been hanging around with Sam Uley. I don't usually listen to the gossip – which was a major down side to living in such a small place, all there ever was to do for people was to gossip about the lives of others – but my ears seemed to be finely tuned to listen in whenever they discuss Jared. He came back to school today.

Gorgeous doesn't even cover it anymore. He's grown like two feet – in height _and _width. And not in the 'ate too much when I was off school' way, more like the 'I couldn't come to school because I was too busy eating protein bars and working out' way. Girls were trying to jump his bones the moment he walked in. And Paul, he came back today too and apparently he's '_so freaking yummy!', _but I didn't really see the attraction. He once shoved into Michele in the hallway and she spilled her precious soup all down her front and he didn't even apologise properly. I mean, yeah it's a bit weird to bring soup to school but if you're gonna make someone stink of tomatoes all day and ruin their clothes, have the manner to at least say sorry. He always looks so brooding as well. I don't see why he can't lighten up. I may have seemed like a total pessimist yesterday, but today is a new day. And I am a new woman. An optimistic, happy woman.

Jared kissed me today.

Okay, it was on the cheek, but still. Jared kissed me.

I'm getting ahead of myself again, I know. I'll take it back to Math. First period. I was tired and a little bit cranky, so I begrudgingly made my way to the back of the class to take my seat, not even really noticing that the chair was empty. Jared sits there but, like I said, he hadn't been here for ages. But then I realised everyone was doing that excited little whisper thing. It was obviously one of the rare occasions that something different happened. However, the annoying buzz of whispers all completely shut off when the door opened and freaking King Kong walked through the door. Okay, he's not quite as tall as King Kong, but he was massive. I'm pretty sure he had to duck to get through the door. Jared made his way to the seat next to me and flung himself down, looking a little put out. It was quite obvious everyone had been talking about him so you couldn't blame him for being moody.

I tried not to stare at him, I really did. I'm not some weirdo stalker girl. I just think it's rude not to appreciate a nice view. And he is definitely a very, _very_ nice view.

And then, my precious little diary, the most world-changing, life-shattering, brain-boggling thing happened.

He looked up into my eyes and it felt like the Earth stopped spinning. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think about how I looked like a fish gaping at him in the way that I did, I didn't even care that I gawked into his eyes for about five minutes straight. All I could think about was how insanely beautiful he was. And that I'm pretty sure I now have the worlds biggest crush on him. I can't explain the feelings I felt for him when he looked at me like that. I probably looked like such an idiot, but I didn't care. My heart was thumping at an unhealthy rate and the speedy blood flow was making me kind of dizzy.

I'm probably just exaggerating because I'm on a bit of an emotional high right now, and by tomorrow I might even have forgotten about it, but it was bizzarely phenomenal.

Ignore what I just said, I could never forget that look. I'll probably be ninety and in a care home and I'll still remember the time in Math when Jared Thail looked at me with such intensity that I fell off my chair.

Yes, that's right. I fell of my chair. I'm not embarrassed to admit it.

Okay, yes I am. It was so freaking embarrassing. I was in the middle of putting my bag on the back of my chair and for some reason the strap got hooked round my foot, then I got distracted by Jared and the feelings and I managed to trip and slide off the chair and onto the floor. I still remember every single word he said as he helped me up. He seemed to really panic. I was fine with just laying on the floor in a pool of my own humilation, but he seemed to want to help me up.

"Kim! Are you okay?" his arms slid effortlessly around me as he pulled me off the floor as if I weighed nothing. That made me like him even more. When I fell down the stairs last week Jason helped me up, which was the biggest surprise in itself, but he made this really loud groaning sound and had a massive grimace on his face as he tried to haul me up. Doesn't make a girl feel great, you know?

Anyway, back to the story.

I nodded and blushed and acted like a bit of an idiot while Jared brushed a strand of hair off my face. My heart burst at the small, intimate action.

"Are you sure? You're not hurt, are you?"

Who even falls of their chair when they're sitting on it? It was a perfectly stable chair. I seem to just manage the impossible as long as it means that I will become exceedingly embarrased. I don't know how or why I do these things to myself.

"I'm fine," I said, forcing out a smile as I tried not to think at how much of a dick I was, or how his burning hot touch felt so good. Unfortunately, I noticed that people were starting to stare so I slipped out of his arms and sat back down on the dangerous chair.

He stayed there, stood perfectly still and seemingly perfectly content as he stared at me. Yes, stared at me. I don't know _why _but I do know that I liked it and I couldn't stop staring back at him.

Eventually the teacher told him to sit down and although Mr. Meakin is one of my favorite teachers, I felt like stabbing him with a compass for moving the beautiful Jared out of my line of sight. I still stared at him all lesson, but I had to crane my neck to the side and now it really hurts.

Oh, the many pains we have to go through for love…

Scratch that. Ignore the mention of love. I am not even falling in love with Jared because I barely even know him. We don't even talk. Well, until today. He talked to me a lot today.

"Will you let me walk you to your next lesson?" he asked when the bell signalling the end of Math had rung. I picked up my stuff and turned to him, having to crane my neck, again, to look up at him.

"Err… why?" I said awkwardly. I don't even understand why I'm so awkward. It's embarrassing to have to explain how unsmooth I am.

Jared stepped closer and my mind clouded with the close proximity. The heat was rolling off him in waves and I frowned.

"Are you feeling okay?" I asked, having to look up even higher now that he was closer. He paused and a small smile slowly pulled at features.

"Yeah… I'm feeling great, actually."

"Oh… that's good. You just feel a bit err, warm. I didn't know whether you had flu or something."

He shook his head and continued to stare at me. It was beginning to make me feel quite self conscious. I was so confused. Why now, after _years _of being in the same school – and year, and class –, did he suddenly start talking to me and staring at me as if we're the closest of friends?

"Come on, the bell went ages ago," he said softly, his hand cupping my elbow as he gently guided me out. I only noticed then that nearly everyone else had already left. My mind was far too preoccupied with all things _Jared_.

His fingers really were so warm. I could feel the warmth radiating off of him, even through my thick sweater. I didn't understand why I was worrying so much about him, but the thought of him being ill or in pain or just… unhappy suddenly brought a sick feeling to my stomach and it felt like cold, steel hands were gripping tightly at my heart.

He dropped his hand from my elbow and I just felt empty. I don't know how to describe it. His touch felt good. I liked the closeness.

I didn't even know what I was thinking. Why am I suddenly feeling like this? Sure, he's great to drool over when I'm having a crap day, but I don't think I _cared _for him – he was, after all, just another guy in my class that I didn't speak to that much. But when I stared up at him in the hallway as he walked me to History, he didn't feel like 'just another guy'. He felt like much more than that. Much more. Significantly more, in fact.

"Jared! Jared, wait up a sec," someone called from behind us and I remember suddenly being really quite angry with that person for spoiling the alone time between us. I'd been building myself up to say something. I was just waiting to find out what it was. Maybe something witty and funny or clever but as soon as he brushed into me or looked over at me, my mind went blank and I couldn't think of a single thing to say except for blurting out '_You're the most gorgeous man I've ever seen in my life', _and I think I'd probably scare him away if I did that.

We both turned as Paul jogged up to us. He opened his mouth to say something to Jared and then seemed to realise that I'd stopped too. I don't know why. He obviously didn't want to speak to me. I just really didn't want to leave Jared's side.

God, I sound so needy.

It's not my fault. I can't explain what it feels like. It was as if there are tiny little strings attached to my heart and tummy, and every other cell inside my body, which are incessantly tugging me towards him. They seemed to have wound themselves around me the moment he looked into my eyes and they wouldn't go away. In fact, the need to get closer to him seemed to be getting stronger every minute that I wasn't close to him.

"Do you mind?" Paul said to me, as if he'd really like to say 'why are you here? Fuck off, I want to talk to my friend, not you', but was too polite. Not polite enough that he'd keep that tone out of his voice, I noted.

"Oi, shut up," Jared blurted out, punching Paul in the arm with quite a force.

Both Paul and I stared at Jared in alarm. He looked between us as if he was confused with himself and then he frowned at Paul before stepping closer to me.

"Err…" Paul had said, looking a bit gormless, I have to say. "Please may I speak to you in private, Jared?"

"No, I'm walking Kim to class and –"

"Jared," I tried to interrupt, without being rude. He turned his head to me quickly. "It's fine. My classroom is just round the corner," I tried to smile at him, even though I desperately wanted to just throw myself into his arms and hug the life out of him. And kiss him. And other stuff, but we won't go into that.

"No, I –" Jared stumbled on his words and stared into my eyes almost desperately. "Paul can wait."

"It's fine," I laughed. Why would I care? It's not biggy. "I've walked to class enough times by myself. I'm sure I'll live."

It was a biggy. I wanted to spend every living moment in his presence.

Okay, that's a bit too exaggerated. I'm over emotional again. Right? I have to be exaggerating. It makes no sense to feel like this otherwise.

"Kim, please, I –" he broke off again and his eyes darted around the hallway, Paul standing behind him, completely forgotten about. "Will you sit with me at lunch?"

"O-kay," I said slowly and a smile lit up his face. I don't know why. Maybe he's making fun of me. Maybe it was all just a joke. He's probably just using his dashing good looks to try and seduce the stupidest girl he could find, and I was falling for it hook, line and sinker. I'm not even really that stupid.

In my heart I knew I couldn't believe that no matter how many times I thought it.

"Good," he smiled. His eyes burned mine with their intensity. I tried not to go weak at the knees and fall over like some silly helpless bimbo, but it was difficult.

"I'll err, see you later, then," I said as I started to step away. He nodded and for a moment I let myself believe that he could feel the invisable stings tugging between us too.

But that's insane. There's no way that he could feel this way about me. There's no way that I'm feeling this about him. It's stupid.

It's probably just a crush. I'm sixteen and I'm probably just feeling the developments of a crush. That is all.

I turned and tried to walk normally, as if I didn't feel his eyes on my back. I felt like being sick and the thought of having to go through a whole lesson of History suddenly horrified me more than ever. Maybe I was still a little out of sorts since the whole 'staring madly into each others eyes' thing. I don't know. It wasn't because it meant I had to sit there, knowing I wouldn't see Jared for another whole hour. Was it?

I turned before I reached the classroom to get a final look of Jared. He was whispering something into Paul's ear. Paul gaped at him before turning to look at me, his eyebrows raised with an unimpressed and shocked look on his face. Jared turned and looked at me too, although he didn't look unimpressed or shocked… he looked joyful.

Quickly, I turned around and swallowed nervously before stepping into the classroom, where I was immediately berated for being late and I failed to make up even a lame excuse. I couldn't blame Jared because for some reason I seemed to have believed I'd hallucinated all of it. Plus, it wasn't right to blame people for things and it was my fault after all. I just traipsed off to the back of the classroom, going over and over everything Jared had said, the way he'd looked at me, the way his fingers wrapped around my arm and his touch sent shooting sparks of electricity and excitement to coarse through my body. The teacher asked me a question and I didn't even realise she was speaking to me. I got detention.

Like I said yesterday; I'm boring. I don't get detention. I've had it a total of two times throughout my whole time at this school. And this is La Push, so it isn't just a high school – there is only one school on the reservation for all years. I've had detention twice in my life. And that was only ever for forgetting homework.

I didn't see much more of Jared for the rest of the day. If I saw him in the corridor, he'd make a beeline for me but we would just have to go to class quickly anyway, as to not get to class late again. In the classes that we were in together (the rez isn't that big, so there are only ever one, two or, at a push, three classes for a period per year) even though we weren't sitting next to each other and were often on opposite sides of the room, we still seemed to spend most of the time staring at each other. I don't want to sound cocky, but it's true. I'm not exactly beautiful, so it's not like guys spend their time staring at me. But even Aysel noticed and started to nudge me to stop me from drooling. Okay, I wasn't drooling. I just couldn't stop looking at him.

"Kim," he breathed into my ear as his hands fell to my shoulders.

I looked up at Jared in alarm as I exited the classroom of my last period of the day.

"I've been so worried."

"Worried?" I said, confused.

"You said you'd sit with me at lunch. I couldn't find you anywhere."

"Oh crap," I whispered and my mouth fell open. I was going over _everything _he said and I forgot _that?_ "I'm sorry, I – I had detention."

He nodded, still looking surprised and a little crestfallen.

"I really am sorry, Jared."

He smiled and his hands slipped down to my arms. "That's okay, Kim."

I smiled, even though I felt like shit for kind of standing him up – which is a stupid thing to say because it was just lunch at school and he probably didn't even really care that much, but it made him look sad and that made me feel bad. Worse than bad. The sight of him smiling seemed to cheer me up dramatically, I realised.

"Because I didn't get to spend time with you at lunch, will you let me drive you home?"

I nearly dropped to knees and screamed to the heavens for letting this beautiful, kind and seemingly genuine guy pay attention to me.

"Aysel is supposed to be giving me a lift but…"

"I'm sure she won't mind having one less person in the car," he said, grinning at me with this cheeky little twinkle in his eyes.

"Okay," I agreed far too easily. If I had been in the normal frame of mine I'd be wondering why the hell he was even asking or why he cared, and I'd probably start to fret that he was going to kidnap me, but today I couldn't care less. I just wanted to spend as much time in Jared's presence as I could without having to kidnap _him. _

"I'll just go tell Aysel."

"I'll meet you outside the school doors," he said, smiling again. He squeezed my arms before hopping off down the corridor.

I pretty much ran up to Aysel and tried to explain to her as quickly as possible that I didn't need a lift before I quickly made it out the school to meet Jared.

Act cool.

Cool. Cool. Cool.

His eyes located mine instantly and I all but skipped the rest of the way up to him.

I'm not cool in the slightest.

Paul came up behind us and Jared glared at him.

"What do you want?" he asked through tight lips.

"A lift, oh loving brother," he drawled, walking over to Jared's car. Jared started to walk after him angrily then, remembering me, grabbed my hand and pulled us after Paul.

Yes, that's right. He held my hand.

I nearly stopped breathing as I stared at his large hand engulfing mine in alarm.

My hand felt on fire.

I liked it.

But they both, as I said, went through massive growth spurts and thus have rather long legs. Which means that normal sized, slightly faster steps for them is running speed for me and my relatively short legs.

"Can't you get one off someone else, Paul?" Jared asked then looked at his friend meaningfully – or 'brother' as Paul referred to him as. I don't know why, they must just have become _very _close. "Or find _another _mode of transport?"

"How else? I'm sure you don't expect me to _walk _all the way home! My poor little legs will be aching all day tomorrow." I almost let out a scoff. Their legs were far from little.

Jared huffed out a breath and glared at Paul, who was apparently having him on or something.

Paul moved towards the front passenger door and Jared lightly pushed him away with his spare hand. His other was still holding mine, his large fingers fitting snugly between the gaps of mine. I hoped to god my hands weren't getting clammy from nervousness.

"No, you're in the back," Jared said and Paul turned to him, mocking the look of being flabbergasted.

"But I always ride shotgun!" he whined.

"No. Kim's riding shotgun. Get in the back or you can walk. And then I'll run you over."

I didn't understand why I had to sit in the front. Maybe he was being gentlemanly. Oh, I hope that was why. That would be so adorable.

"My, my, Jared. Quite a temper you have there. Kim won't want to be getting in the car with someone as violent or aggressive as you," he teased.

Jared's fingers twitched and tightened.

"Get in the car and shut up."

Paul grinned merrily and hopped in the back.

Jared opened the door and turned to me, letting go of my hand. It took me a while to realise he was _opening the door for me_.

I didn't think teenage guys did that.

It was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. I didn't know there even were gentlemanly guys around anymore. If the men in my family are anything to go by, then chivalry is most certainly dead.

It took me a while to slap myself out of it before I could thank him and get in.

I really hope Jared doesn't think I'm an idiot.

"I'm dropping you off first," he said to Paul as he climbed in at his side. He seemed to make the distance around the car super quickly. I wish I had long legs.

"But what if Kim lives closer than I do? It would be a waste of time to double back," Paul said and Jared looked in his rear view mirror at him, losing his temper.

"Now, now, Jared. Don't get too angry. Sam wouldn't be happy if you lost it on your first day back."

I frowned at the two of them. What was that supposed to mean? Why would this Sam bloke care? What did he mean by 'lose it'? Did he have anger problems?

They saw my look and shared a glance. Paul shut up.

"Where do you live, Kim?" Jared asked me, his voice softer than when he was talking to Paul. I gave him directions and he shot a triumphant look at Paul.

"See? There. She lives closer to me than you."

Paul shook his head at Jared, smiling.

I just sat there, suddenly very aware of how I was supposed to sit. I didn't really know Jared, and all of a sudden I was in his car. What did I do? I couldn't exactly put my feet up. But I didn't want to sit up, as straight as a lamppost and look like an idiot. I played with my hands in my lap nervously. I was really nervous.

They were acting like this was the most natural thing in the world but it wasn't. I've barely ever spoken to Jared and even less to Paul. And now they were both talking about me like… I don't know. It was weird.

I wanted Jared to hold my hand again.

"Remember, Sam will want to see you after the... events of today," Paul said. I stared at them again. Jared glared at him.

When we arrived at Paul's, he clapped Jared on the shoulder, whispered something in his ear and then left, laughing to himself as he made his way down his drive. He was obviously making fun of me in some way. Jared shook his head as he pulled out.

"Ignore him," he said softly as I stared out the window at the bleak colours of brown and green that seemed to merge together from the rain and the speed we were travelling.

"How did you get detention?" Jared asked after a moments silence. I though it was quite an awkward silence but he didn't seem to be bothered in the slightest.

"Err, I dunno really. I just wasn't paying attention."

He looked over at me and smiled, staring at me curiously.

"I didn't peg you as the rebellious type, Kim."

I snorted and spluttered in a very lady-like fashion. Mmm, very lady-like indeed.

"I'm not. Trust me. I'm_ far_ from the rebellious sort."

He continued to keep flickering his eyes between me and the road, smiling.

I racked my brain for something to say. I wanted to learn every little thing about him. I wanted to know everything. But what was I supposed to do? I couldn't bombard him with a million and one questions. He was only giving me a lift home anyway. He probably wouldn't even speak to me tomorrow.

The thought made me feel sick.

"So, why were you off for so long? What did you have?" I asked, because ever since thinking of him ill, in pain or unhappy it's been niggling away at my mind.

He kept his eyes on the road and I watched his Adams apple bob up and down. He shifted and his hands gripped at the steering wheel tighter.

"Mono," he whispered.

"Oh, well I'm glad you're okay now. You don't look ill. You look –" I was about to say something like 'fucking beautiful' or 'sexy as hell', but realised that wasn't necessarily the best thing as it could potentially turn this borderline-awkward drive into the most awkward moment of my life. "Okay," I ended up finishing. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and the corner of his mouth tilted upwards.

He knew that wasn't what I was going to say.

"Yeah, I'm… _okay_," he deliberately accentuated the word, his eyes flittering over to me as he tried to hold down the smirk.

I blushed scarlet.

Why do I have the amazing ability to embarrass myself in every situation?

He muffled his laugh as he stared ahead at the road, a massive smile on his face. His cheeks dimpled and I nearly fell out of the seat again because it was so adorable.

We rode in silence and I continued to shift nervously.

I gave him the last directions to my house but he seemed to have remembered what I'd set at the beginning of the car journey. He was must have a great memory because I know I sure as hell would have forgotten.

We pulled up at my house and I was a bit alarmed when he got out, because I don't know whether he thought he was going to come in, but he just opened the car door for me and walked me to my front door.

The crush I'm harbouring for him doubled at that very moment.

He is so sweet.

Jared stepped close to me, careful to get under the porch and out of the rain.

It was freezing outside but with the warmth radiating off of him, I was fine.

"Thank you for the lift," I said softly, unsure what else to say. He nodded and stepped closer so he was all but towering over me. It wasn't intimidating, though. Not in the slightest.

He gently brushed some raindrops off of my shoulder.

"I guess I won't see you till tomorrow."

I shook my head from side to side and stared up into his beautiful eyes. I wanted to throw my arms around him and never let go. The thought of having to go without seeing him for hours and hours until school starts felt like a punch in the gut.

"You'll let me drive you to school tomorrow, won't you?" he asked, brushing my jet-black hair behind my shoulder gently. He did it like he wasn't even paying attention, like he didn't even realise he was going it. I don't even do these small little cute things to my closest friends.

All this touching and intimate gestures was going to drive me crazy. How am I supposed to act normal when he's being so darn sweet?

I nodded because I didn't trust my voice and he smiled.

"Can I have your number?" he asked, still playing with a strand of my hair.

I nearly passed out.

I went out with the girls to see a film in Port Angeles once and Michele got asked by three guys for her number in one night. Guys don't ask for my number.

Jared dropped my hair and looked into my eyes.

"Okay," I whispered.

He smiled again. He seems to do that a lot.

His hands went to his pockets. "Oh shit. I forgot my cell." A worried look crossed his face.

"Do you want me to write it on a piece of paper or something?" I offered, reaching into my bag.

"Yeah," he said, and I awkwardly rummaged around to find a spare piece of paper and a pen. See? Awkward again. I scribbled it down and he took it, holding it securely in his hand as he smiled down at me.

We stood there and stared at each other some more.

"I guess I should probably go," he said.

I nodded sadly and looked down. He hesitated before placing his hand on my arm. I looked up as he bent down and pressed his lips to my cheek.

"Goodbye, Kim," he said, smiled sadly at me and then turned to walk back to his car.

I stared after him, unsure what just happened.

He turned back to me when he got to his car and smiled. I waved and then ran in the house.

I dropped my bag on the floor and then jumped facedown onto the couch and screamed.

_Oh my flipping god. _

"Get up. I was sitting there," Jason said as he came back through from the kitchen. I didn't move. I couldn't. My brain just kept going over and over what had just happened.

He kissed my freaking cheek.

"I farted on that sofa cushion like two minutes ago."

I picked my face up as fast as I could before I drove my fist into his leg.

"Jason!" I screeched. He pulled a face and then wiggled his butt as he sat back down, a bowl of popcorn in his hands. He shoved a massive handful into his gob, most of it just falling down his front.

"You're such a slob."

Zain came up and started to lick my hand until I gave him enough attention. Zain is my adorable seven-year-old beagle. He's my life.

Jason puffed out the piece of popcorn that he'd just put in his mouth.

It hit me in the face.

It was covered in his salvia.

I screeched again before chucking popcorn at him and then running upstairs, picking up Zain and taking him with me. How is it he can ruin my fantastic mood in just five minutes?

Oh well, I don't care.

Jared kissed me.

And I shall leave you on that delicious, fantastic, shocking, incredible, amazing and delectable fact.

Kim Conweller.

P.S. I got sad thinking about how I wasn't going to see Jared for about sixteen hours, so cheered myself up with some chocolate. The diet will start tomorrow. Oh, and Dan brought up the stuttering incident again.

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><p><strong>I just want to thank everyone for reading and for those who have reviewed already, I really appreciate and I hope you all like this chapter :)<strong>

**To Princess2979, thank you for reading and reviewing :) A few of the other people who replied to the question said that they only ever write date, month and year so I think I'll change it to make it look more realistic. Thanks for responding! :)  
><strong>


	3. April 7

_April 7_

Dear Diary,

Jared picked me up this morning. He held my hand as he walked me to the car and then opened the door for me again, all the while smiling that adorably sexy smile that makes his cheeks and chin dimple. Chin dimples are now my all time favorite things!

He seemed to think that this was all completely normal, this sudden need to be with him for every moment. Well, he probably doesn't feel this. Not like I do. It just wouldn't be possible for him to start feeling like this about me. He's cool and confident and beautiful and I'm… not any of those things.

"How are you, Kim?" he said, turning to me as we got in his car. It wasn't just a nonchalant, start of the conversation type of question. He didn't seem to just be throwing it out there, making small talk and expecting to hear the usual 'alright' in return.

I looked into his warm eyes as he waited to turn the car on, his key in the ignition but unturned.

"Great, thanks."

He smiled and started the car, pulling out of my drive.

"You?"

I hope and pray Scott doesn't see Jared picking me up or dropping me off. Because then he'll tell Mom and then she'll go mental. If she finds out I've been getting lifts off random guys in my year then I think she'll automatically start to get suspicious and think I'm pregnant. That's the sort of thing she does.

"I'm fantastic," Jared said softly, grinning to himself.

He's so cute.

"Okay, so I have to pick Paul up too, but as I said before; just ignore him. Like, ignore every single thing that he says because it will all be either him being a dick or him trying to make shit up, okay?"

I nodded and he let out a slow breath, nodding as well.

I crossed my legs and turned to him. "Did you do the math homework?" I asked and his face fell.

"What?"

I couldn't help but laugh. He stared at me.

"You're kidding right?"

"Nope."

He groaned. "I really don't want another detention."

"You should of done the homework then," I said, grinning.

He rolled his eyes and shot a playful glare at me. "It's my second day back, gimme a break. How was I supposed to pay attention yesterday when –"

Jared's mouth froze open, just before he was about to say another word. He turned his body back to the road again and he looked at me out of the corner of his eyes before turning them to stare unblinkingly at the road.

"When… I… was still getting over mono."

"Yeah."

I looked out the window because I knew he was lying again.

I don't know why he was lying or what he was lying about, but it was obvious. I don't know why he was making it so blatant. Surely you can't be that bad of a liar that you panic whenever you do it?

We pulled up outside Paul's house and he hopped into the car not soon after.

"Alright, love birds?"

I could feel my face flaming as I averted my gaze, instead choosing to stare with wide eyes at the radio.

"Seriously, Paul," Jared turned around, glaring at his friend, his jaw clenched. "Put your seatbelt on and shut the fuck up or you can walk."

Without having to turn round I could tell Paul was pulling a face, but I heard the _clink_ of the seatbelt so he must have listened to Jared.

"Someone's a bit hormonal lately," Paul muttered and Jared huffed out a breath, glaring at Paul again through the rear view mirror.

"So, how are you, Kimmy?" Paul asked, leaning forward to rest his arm on my chair. I turned to look at him, trying not to cringe at the use of that name.

"Fine."

"Jared's using his smooth moves on you, I hear," he said, grinning and I blushed for the second time that morning. I looked at Jared, who was gripping the steering wheel tightly. Did he talk to him about it? The driving home? The kiss on the cheek? The number? Or the constant texting that went on last night?

"_Paul._"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm just trying to help speed this up for you, man. I'm only trying to help." He couldn't stop laughing, though, so the sincerity of that statement seemed to trickle away a little.

"Speed what up exactly?" I asked.

It went silent.

I was a little bit… annoyed. Did they mean sex? Was that what this was about? Was Jared just suddenly taking an interest in me because he thought I'd be easy to bed? All he had to do was turn on his 'smooth moves'?

"Nothing," Jared said quietly. "Paul's just being an idiot again."

"Right," I said, staring at him for a moment before looking away.

No matter how much I knew it was probably true, I couldn't believe that Jared was just talking to me for sex. It couldn't be true. It felt like more than that. Maybe I was just being dreadfully naïve.

We rode in an awkward silence until we got to school and then we got there and once again, Jared ran round the car faster than I could even pick my bag up and undo my seatbelt. He must be such a fast runner.

I folded my arms, hugging myself against the cold wind. I hate the weather in La Push. You will not go a week where it doesn't rain. There will be about ten days of sun in the summer and in the winter it's so freezing. I don't know how the hell Jared can be in just a t-shirt. I'm wearing a top, sweater and coat and I'm still freezing.

However, Jared walked very close to me and, like yesterday, heat waves were rolling off of him. They made me worry about him, but I was kind of glad, he really did warm me up.

We went to lessons as normal and like yesterday, he'd walk me to class. Even after one day I was getting so accustomed to him being there all the time. I loved walking out of class to see him standing there, in all his gorgeous glory, making my stomach do flips and somersaults every time. I'm already getting better at talking to him more openly. Which is a lot for me, I have to say. I'm usually so awkward with talking to people I don't know that well, but with Jared I can already feel myself easing up.

"You're gonna come sit with me today, aren't you, Kim?" he asked as he leant against the locker next to mine as I put some of my things in there at the beginning of lunch.

I bit my lip and he groaned.

"What now?" he grumbled. "You don't have detention again, do you?" he asked, starting to grin at me.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head at him. "_No_. But I think my friends are starting to think I'm ditching them. I should probably go speak to them."

He gently frowned but nodded, staring at me with eyes that made me hate myself for turning him down.

He continued to stare into my eyes for a moment before brushing the back of his finger against my cheek. I stayed completely still, not even breathing. He dropped his hand and stood up straight.

"Fine, but I'm driving you home again and you don't have any choice in the matter," he said, smiling and crossing his arms as if to challenge me.

_Yeah, because I'd really hate to spend time with you._

I have to try and hold myself back from breaking out into song and dance whenever he speaks to me, let alone asks me to spend time with him.

"Okay."

I try not to let him know how weird I am so I have to tone it down quite a lot when we're speaking.

"Good," he grinned and leant down and then _kissed my cheek _again before walking off into the cafeteria.

I buried my face in my locker so I wouldn't let out a squeal.

Once I remembered how to breath properly I walked through to the cafeteria and found where my friends were sitting. I sat down and they all looked at me.

"Where the hell have you been?" Aysel said and my cheeks flushed.

"Shut up," I mumbled.

Lucy giggled. "She's been with _Ja-red." _

"Shut up."

"What's this?" Cameron laughed, leaning in.

"Kim's in love with Jared."

"_No I am not!" _I shouted at them, but they weren't listening.

Luis, Dan and Oli just started laughing. They all laughed as they continued to make fun of me.

"It was one lift home!" I tried to convince them but they just ignored me.

"You straightened your hair today, didn't you?" Lucy said, laughing.

I groaned. This is the problem with school. When you see people every single day they notice _everything. _

"It looks stupid, doesn't it?"

So what if I made a little bit more effort this morning. It's not like I spent a whole hour trying to decide what to wear…

She rolled her eyes. "It looks fine. Your hair always looks fine."

I'm fed up of being 'fine'. I hate how I'm always either satisfactory or less. I'm never 'great' or 'amazing' or 'beautiful'.

"Can I borrow your notes for Maths? I need to copy them or else I'm gonna get killed by Mr. Meakin."

"Sure," I said to Oli, handing over my book. He grinned that mischievous look that he gets so I made a mental note to make sure he doesn't do anything later.

"Thank you," he continued to grin as he slid it into his bag. Oh dear.

"Do you need a lift tonight?" Aysel asked as she happily tucked into her sandwich.

"Erm, no thank you."

They all looked at me.

"_What?" _I asked, exasperated. It is not a big deal to get a lift with somebody else!

"Why are you suddenly so obsessed with Jared?" Lucy asked.

"I didn't even say I was getting a lift with Jared," I huffed, crossing my arms.

"Are you?"

I shifted. "I'm hardly obsessed."

They all either rolled there eyes, tutted, snorted or shook their head in despair. I don't get it!

"It is a bit sudden," Michele agreed, sharing that look with Lucy. The look that tells me they've talked about this before.

I shrugged my shoulders, pretending that wasn't the very thing that kept going through my mind. It was normal, though. I reasoned last night that it was completely and utterly normal. People start to form friendships with different people everyday! So what if the attraction I feel towards him is stronger than what I've ever felt in my life? It was probably normal, probably just a crush.

"We've been in the same class for years," I said.

"You know that's not what we meant," Lucy replied and I shrugged again.

"I dunno, I just –"

What was I supposed to say? I look into his eyes and get this feeling like I can't spend a moment away from him? That I'm supposed to run into his arms and stay there forever? That I've never felt this way about anyone in my life and we only really started talking _yesterday_?

It was insane. I knew I sounded insane.

This isn't normal. It can't be. This can't just be a _crush._

"I don't get it either."

"Well, I wouldn't get too close. Apparently he's on drugs," Michele said seriously and Lucy nodded. Aysel met my eyes and pulled a face, trying to hold down her laughter.

"You two are so gullible to rumours. That's obviously not true," I told them.

"How would you know?" Lucy asked defensively. "You don't even know Jared. You've only been speaking to him for a day."

I don't know why that hurt, but it did.

"I dunno. I don't think he's like that – I don't believe all the crazy rumours going around about him. Even you have to admit some of them aren't exactly realistic."

I glanced over at Jared on the opposite side of the hall and he was looking directly at me. I quickly looked away but when I looked back he was still staring. He smiled before turning to Paul and saying something to him.

I looked back at my friends.

"Just be careful, Kim," Michele said softly. "I know you're clever, but…"

I shook my head at them. "I'm not exactly gonna start taking drugs, am I?" Out of all of our friends I was the least likely to get into that sort of stuff.

"That's not just what I meant either. Did you know that Sam they hang out with dumped his long-term girlfriend for her cousin? Ouch."

"He's just giving me lifts," I said quietly as they dissolved into another topic of conversation.

Although that turned out to be not quite true. Jared came into my house after he dropped me off. I couldn't face having to go so long without seeing him again and awkwardly blurted out the invitation. Luckily, he eagerly accepted.

Nobody was home, so it was fine. There were no excruciatingly awkward introductions – I made sure he was gone by the time my Mom, Jason and Scott returned. He didn't try anything… we just sat there and talked. Just talked. It was really nice. It was lovely. I don't believe he's just talking to me for sex.

Jared is so nice. He's so funny. And beautiful. God, is he beautiful.

Right, Diary, I'm going to bed. I need to get some sleep. I couldn't get any last night because all I could think about was Jared. Although there are some creepy howling going on in the woods lately, which is really freaking me out. Apparently there's been loads of animal attacks or something. It's all over the news. I doubt that will help me get any sleep. I hope I don't look shit tomorrow. Bags under eyes are so hard to hide when you're Quileute. There's not that much copper-coloured concealer out there.

Anyway; bed.

Sleep sleep sleep.

Not Jared Jared Jared.

He's so perfect.

He has the most heart-warming laugh. Did I mention that? It's so nice.

How am I meant to stop thinking about him?

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>Massive thanks again to everyone that's reading and reviewing, I really appreciate it! I love hearing any type of feedback, whether it's good or bad. <strong>**I didn't plan to be posting so frequently, I was going to space them out, maybe one a week or something, but as I've already written some when I sign on to edit some, as I've made a few mistakes with the dates, I thought I might aswell do another check and post it up. Also, as I'm writing a couple of months into the future at the moment, it's getting a bit confusing having to go backwards and forwads. Plus, I am the biggest procrastinator in the world and I am currently supposed to be doing some very important things and I always end up posting on here whenever I procrastinate. It's usually making cups of teas and posting new stories. Anyway, I hope you're all enjoying this so far :)**

**Oh, and if anyone has noticed that the dates keep changing, that's because I had a bit of a blonde moment and set this at a date during summer 'vacation' (I'm slowly getting there with the American, but I'd still appreciate it if you want to point out little mistakes) and then wrote about them in school - woops! So that will be why, sorry for any confusion!  
><strong>

**Lovably17 - for some reason it won't let me send you a message, so: thank you so much for both of your reviews! I'm really glad you like it so far :)  
><strong>


	4. April 8

_Apil 8_

Dear Diary,

Jared is the guy for me.

How do I know this, I hear you ask, after only getting to know him for the past couple of days days? Well, that is because of a wonderful little goregous beagle. Zain has accepted Jared into his life whole-heartedly and I am therefore obliged to spend the rest of my life with Jared as to not upset my beautiful doggy. He gets awfully nostalgic. He wouldn't stop whining for about two months after Lydia left home. Now whenever my step-sister comes to visit he ignores her.

Completely out of the blue today, Jared asked if I had a dog and then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't go walking through the woods alone. I started to panic because I've been walking through the woods for about an hour every day and there's all these animal attacks going on. I guess it was really stupid. But it's La Push; I didn't really expect anything to happen in my own back yard. Anyway, Jared then gallantly offered to come walk Zain with me and be my knight in shining armour, should anything happen. Not that he'd be able to help me if these bears or whatever it is came running out at us. He'd probably be as much use as Zain, and he gets frightened of his own tail.

Anyway, Jared came round and knocked for me (Scott nearly opened the door but I managed to overtake him and shut the door behind me before he could see who it was) and it was love at first sight. For Zain and Jared, I mean. Not me and him. That would be stupid. Totally ridiculous.

Zain wouldn't stop jumping on him and licking him and rolling onto his back to let Jared scratch his belly. I have to admit, I was a bit jealous. Zain doesn't even like me that much and I'm the one who looks after him!

My little boy did literally everything that Jared said, even though he usually won't stop pulling when I have him on the lead. He just kept hovering around Jared. He really couldn't get enough of him. I mean, I can understand that, but from a dog? He really can charm absolutely anyone.

I think the main reason why Zain is so smitten with Jared is because he can throw sticks so damn far. When we got to the beach he seemed to be able to throw it about two hundred yards without putting any effort in.

"Zain rarely plays fetch with me anymore because I can barely throw a stick ten yards," I admitted as Jared threw it off far into the distance _again._

He laughed at me. "I'm not surprised. You're far too tiny to be able to throw."

"Jared! I'm not that short."

His finger gently wrapped around mine and he tugged me to a halt. He walked to stand straight in front of me, our bodies brushing.

My neck was nearly bent at a ninety-degree angle just to see his face. He smiled as it to say 'see?'.

My head didn't reach his shoulders.

I pushed him away as he started to laugh at me again. "You're just a freak of nature, Jared. Noone should be that tall."

"Whatever you say, shorty."

"I'm a perfectly average height, I'll have you know."

He laughed, his eyes glinting. "You're far from average, Kim." He slipped his fingers through mine and tugged me behind him as he carried on walking, ending that conversation.

"Do you mind?" I asked as I placed my other hand over his to try steal his warmth. "My hands are so cold."

"Of course not," he slowed to a stop and brought my hands to his mouth and blew his hot breath over them before delicately pressing his lips to the backs of my fingers.

"You should have worn gloves," he rebuked.

"I lost them," I said. I didn't dare speak for much longer than that when he was kissing my fingers. He's just too sweet. My heart starts to hammer against my chest whenever he does these cute gestures. I also wanted him to press his lips to my own so badly.

He stopped the soft kisses and rubbed my hands gently in his massive ones. I always thought my hands were a bit on the large side but when they're in his they look like a small child's hands.

"I'll have to buy you new ones," he said.

I shook my head. "Oh, no. I'm sure my mom has some she doesn't use that I can borrow."

Gloves just aren't smart looking enough for a lawyer these days.

He stared at my hands as I unconsciously stroked the back of his hand with my thumb. I stopped as soon as I realised. It's just so easy and natural to do things like that. And then I remember that we haven't even been friends until the day before yesterday. How insane is that? Two days. Yet I'm standing here, clutching his hands as if we've been doing it for years.

"I don't understand how you're so warm. Why are you not freezing in this weather?"

He shrugged and looked away. "Dunno. Either genes or I'm just so used to it that it doesn't affect me. I'm usually fine topless."

I spluttered. "I really don't think I'd be able to think straight if you were," I said.

_Why did I say that? _

I am the biggest idiot in the world. I'm such a dork. I always manage to say the most stupid things.

Why would you tell someone that?

Oh dear god.

How is it I manage to embarrass myself in almost every situation? It's at least once a day. I don't think I can cope with hanging out with Jared if it's going to cause this much mortification.

Jared had a stupid shit-eating grin on his face while I blushed so hard I thought I'd pass out. He pulled one hand out of mine and kept mine in his other and brought it to his chest so that it was squished in between us. He stepped closer and cradled my cheek with his spare hand.

"You're too cute, Kim," he said.

"I don't think cute is the right word for it," I mumbled.

He laughed and shook his head. "It is."

Zain bounded up to us, proudly holding the stick in his teeth. He stood there wagging his tail but I was too focused on Jared to pay any notice. Unfortunately, Zain likes to be the centre of attention at all times so he spat the stick out at our feet and then started to tug at Jared's pant leg incessantly.

Jared smiled as he brushed his thumb over my cheekbone and then he pressed a kiss to my forehead. Before I could even imagine all of the wonderful scenarios that could happen next he pulled away, picked up the stupid stick, chucked it and started walking again.

I followed. Very unhappily.

I really want to kiss Jared.

But I'm a dork and blurt out stupid things so it's no wonder he doesn't want to kiss me.

I sneezed and he looked back at me. "Oh, that's cute."

"Shut up!" I groaned. I really do wish he'd stop calling me that. I don't want to be cute. Zain is cute. Babies are cute. People you feel sorry for are cute.

He took my hands in his again and kept walking.

I sneezed once more and he tried not to laugh.

"That really is the cutest sneeze I've ever heard."

I shoved him and he grinned that smile that makes me want to fling myself at him.

Why does he have to be so goddamn beautiful?

It's torture to have to look at him and know I'll never have him.

Zain came up to me and jumped up, his wet muddy paws all over my favorite sweater. Great. I sneezed again and he yelped out of fright and ran off. He's a bit pathetic really, isn't he?

Oh well, he's probably the only male specials that will ever love me.

Kim Conweller,

Full-time Idiot

P.S. Jared kissed my cheek again when he left. It's starting to become the way we say goodbye. I hope it is. He's so lovely. Why does he have to be so lovely?

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><p><strong>Okay so it's a reaaally short chapter today but more will probably be up tomorrow so you won't have to wait too long for more. I hope you liked it even if it was short. <strong>

**Thanks again everyone for reading and for those who have reviewed or favourited this, it means a lot and I really do appreciate it :)  
><strong>


	5. April 9

_April 9_

Dear Diary,

I am ill.

But I've never felt so good.

The sneezes didn't stop all of last night and I got literally no sleep. This morning I woke up and Mom sent me back to bed – which is a first for her. Usually she thinks you should just keep going until you die. Okay, that's a bit of an over-exaggeration but she usually never lets me stay home. I guess now I'm old enough that she doesn't have to take time off work so she able to be a bit more lax about it. But the point is, I looked shit. If Mom thought I looked shit enough to stay home, then I really did look shit.

So when someone knocked on the door at about ten in the morning and I was still in my pyjamas, I just donned a sweater and didn't bother to look in the mirror. Nothing was going to make me look any better and I didn't really care.

However, to my absolute horror and devastation, I found out that the person knocking on the door was none other than _Jared freaking Thail._

"Kim!" he breathed as he stepped forward, his arms circling me and pulling me into his chest. It was so good to be in his arms. He was so warm. It soothed the dull pounding in my head.

"Jared!" I screeched as I covered my face with my hands. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"You weren't at school and I panicked," he said naturally, his hands moving to stroke my hair. My probably greasy hair. I pulled away and continued to cover my face.

"Why didn't you just call?"

He laughed at me failed attempts to hide myself.

"I wanted to see you," he said simply, stepping forward. I stepped back.

Oh right, yes, fine. Perfectly legitimate reason for skipping school.

"Well, I'm okay. You can go now," I tried not to sound mean but I was panicking.

He laughed again and tried to pull my hands away from my face. "Don't be rude, Kimmy. Why are you covering your face?"

He managed to get my hands away from my face so I ran into the bathroom, which is perpendicular to the front door.

"I'm ill!" I explained, locking the door behind me.

"Yeah, I got that," he called from the other side, his voice laced with mirth.

"You'll have to leave because if not you'll catch this."

"I like my chances. I think I'll stay, I don't get ill easily."

I groaned as I quickly washed my face and tried everything I could to look acceptable.

I was still in my freaking pyjamas!

It was not good. I am already nowhere near able to 'woo' Jared and this isn't helping matters. In fact, this is going backwards. Jared will never kiss me! Especially when he noticed my big fat red nose.

"Are you gonna come outside?"

"No!"

"Aww, Kim. I came all this way just to see you."

"I don't care! Go away!"

He laughed again.

Why wasn't he getting offended? I really did want him to leave. Okay, no I didn't. I just didn't want _him _to see _me._

"You can't spend all day in the toilet."

"I won't. I'll come out as soon as you've gone."

"Come out, Kim. I promise I won't look at your face."

"Really?"

"Yes, get out here."

I opened the door and he stared right at me. "Jared!" I complained.

He didn't even look guilty about it. He just laughed and took hold of my hand, pulling me through to my living room.

"You said you wouldn't look at my face!" I moaned.

"Sorry. You're just too beautiful for me to keep my eyes off you," he grinned as he pushed me down onto the sofa.

Great. We all love a bit of sarcasm from the most beautiful man in the world when you're feeling shit.

"I hate you so much."

"No you don't," he told me and I groaned and at least tried to cover my nose. "Now, stay right there and I'll go get a blanket or something."

He disappeared up the stairs in the blink of an eye.

"You don't even know what room is mine!" I called after him.

"I'm sure I'll find it!"

I groaned. How did this happen? I was fine wallowing in self pity alone.

He came back and draped my sheets over me.

"You know, it's awfully rude to invite yourself into someone's house and then go rummaging through their rooms," I teased. "I could have had underwear on the floor or something."

Jared smiled as he tucked me in. "I definitely wouldn't have minded that."

My cheeks flamed red and he laughed. "I'm sorry," he apologised but I couldn't look at him from fear of dying of embarrasment. Why did I even mention my underwear? This is what I get when I try to tease. I'd never be able to flirt properly.

"Anyway, I don't care if it's rude. You're ill, and you're home alone, so I'm going to take care of you."

"It's just a cold, Jared. I'm sure I'll be fine."

He stroked the side of my face. "Please let me take care of you."

His eyes had that look that he knew I couldn't say no to.

"Fine."

I was still embarrased about the underwear thing so I didn't really want to look at him.

He smiled brightly. "Awesome. I'm gonna make you some soup. I'll be back in about ten minutes, okay? I have to go get some ingredients. Don't move."

I nodded unhappily and he dropped a kiss on my forehead before hopping off out the house.

I laid back.

_What the actual hell? _

When my friends are ill, I don't skip school to go see if they're okay and make them freaking soup.

It was so lovely, though.

Even though I felt as if I was dying, I crawled up the stairs to my room to attempt to make myself look acceptable. Unfortunately, no amount of brushing could tame my hair and no amount of make up could hide this disaster. I jumped downstairs when there was a knock on the door.

"I was hoping you'd just run off and weren't returning," I said as I opened the door to reveal the object of every single dream I've had for the past three nights.

"Ha ha ha," he said dryly, pushing me back into the living room. "And I was hoping you'd do as I ask and stay still."

He pushed me back down on the sofa and tucked me in again.

"Now, don't move," he warned.

He then pulled something out of his bag, walked over to the television and slid a DVD in. He walked back over to me. "Do you want a drink or anything?"

I shook my head and then grinned as the title menu for 'Jurassic Park' started up. I almost started crying.

"You said it was your favorite movie," he said as he stroked my hair off of my face.

My brain literally can't function when he's so sweet.

"I freaking love it so much." I couldn't believe that he'd remembered. I just randomly mentioned it conversation and I didn't think he was even paying attention. And from my experience with Jason and Scott, when they look like they're not paying attention then they're usually not listening to a word you're saying.

"You're too weird, Kim," he said and then got up and went through to my kitchen.

It's not my fault I like dinosaurs. I think they're really interesting.

Zain jumped up onto the sofa and started to lick my face before he nestled into my side and fell asleep. I happily stroked him. He always knows if you're ill or upset. And he's so warm and cuddly that you can't really blame me for falling asleep.

Unfortunately, I woke about twenty minutes later. Someone was getting eaten in the film but I didn't even care. All that was on my mind was the sound of voices coming from the kitchen.

Voice_s. _That's plural. It wasn't just Jared talking to himself. Oh no.

Scott was home.

And in the kitchen.

Talking to Jared.

Zain was now lying across my stomach, sniffing my face. I quickly wrapped my covers around me, picked him up and walked through to the kitchen. Zain isn't exactly a puppy anymore but I can't help but carry him around. He's so heavy that I can't hold him for long but it gives me comfort and support to hold him.

I entered and Jared and Scott turned to me, both wearing aprons and fussing over the pot of soup.

"Kim," Jared said, his hand on his hip. "I told you to stay where you were."

It was so difficult not to laugh at him, standing in my kitchen, wearing an apron, a wooden spoon in one hand and the other perched on his hip while he berated me like a child.

Zain barked at him and wagged his tail happily. I placed him on the floor and he happily circled Jared.

"What are you two doing in here?" I asked, ignoring Jared's fussing.

"Jared here is making soup!" Scott announced. "It's really very lovely."

I nodded, cringing. What the hell happened in those twenty minutes? Scott and Jared were working away like they were best buddies! Surely Scott would be a little freaked out to come home and find some random guy in the kitchen making me food while I was asleep on the sofa? Because I definitely hadn't told Scott or Mom about Jared. I did not want them to know about Jared. Yet here he was making freaking soup with my step-dad!

Some people tell their parents everything. I do not. It would just be awkward and they'd want to meet him and then it would be embarrassing and Mom would be like 'he's a good looking boy, Kim, but you need to focus on your studies'. I knew it because that's exactly what they did to Jason. Then Jason dropped out of school last year. He thought he got his girlfriend pregnant and Mom kicked him out. But it turns out it was some other guy's child (his last girlfriend was a classy lady) and Mom let him back in on the promise that he'd sort his life out. He got a job at a grocery store in Forks but got fired a few months ago as he would always turn up late. They didn't realise they were just lucky that he turned up at all. So now he's 'waiting for the right job to come along', which basically mean he fucks off out for the day either with his stupid friends or his stupid girlfriend (she's less of a slut as the last one but doesn't know her five times tables) with the car he got for his birthday. He begged for it because it would help him get to and from work and would be better for him to hold down a job. Do I get a car for my birthday? No. I have to save up because they know that I actually will and Jason never would. He'd just use not having a car as another excuse not to get a job.

Anyway, the point is, when Scott tells Mom she'll go off on one about how I don't need a boyfriend, because Mom is from the Stone Age and believes that you shouldn't even have a boyfriend till you're at least eighteen.

Not that Jared is my boyfriend. Oh no. Far from it. But it'll just look like that. They jump to false conclusions very easy. Jared would never be my boyfriend.

Jared sighed at me and stepped forward, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

"You really pale. Go sit down and I'll bring you soup."

I looked at Scott. He was pulling that face as he tried not to laugh.

He was so telling Mom that Jared was my boyfriend.

I groaned as Jared turned me around and pushed me back through to my prison chambers. His warm hands were on my shoulders, somehow making the ache in them start to ebb.

"How are you going to get any better if you keep running around? You need to rest."

"It's a _cold, _Jared. You worry far too much."

"I worry just the right amount," he replied, mockingly stiffly. I jabbed his stomach and he grinned and dropped a kiss to the bridge of my red nose. "I can't help but worry about you."

I smiled although I knew my cheeks were flushing with embarrassment and, admittedly, happiness.

"You don't have to worry about me at all," I said softly, linking my fingers through his as he stood in front of me.

"Yes I do. Now you sit here and relax, you're mine to worry about."

I didn't know what he meant so I frowned up at him.

"Considering it's my fault," he added quickly.

"How is it your fault?" I laughed.

"Well, if I hadn't been such an idiot and let you go for a walk in the rain when you wouldn't have gotten ill, would you?" he said, as if it was so logical.

"Seriously, Jared? You're not my carer. You were out in it too, I just have a pathetic immune system. Blame that, not yourself. Plus, I would have gone for a walk anyway."

He harrumphed. "I don't like the idea of you out walking by yourself."

"I know, you said before."

He looked at me disapprovingly. "Especially through the woods. I'm taking Zain for walks now, okay?"

I opened my mouth but he cut me off. "No buts. At least until you're better. Then you can come. But you've got to have at least eight layers on or else you're not even going near the door."

I stared at him. "You're absolutely bonkers, Jared."

"Don't be so rude," he scolded, smiling. "And I made you my family's famous soup and everything..." he muttered to himself as he walked off back to the kitchen.

I heard laughter coming from the kitchen. This is not good. While Mom is the type to go all 'you're too young!', Scott is the type who goes 'wanna see some rank photos we have of Kim?'.

Jared returned about ten minutes later with a bowl of soup and some bread on a tray. He placed it on my lap, smiling, before he dropped himself next to me.

"Your step dad is wicked."

I groaned.

"He's invited me round for dinner when you're better, by the way."

I groaned even louder.

Do you think you could drown yourself in soup?

"You don't have to come," I told him. It would be much better if he didn't.

"I want to," he said, smiling. "We're going swap cooking tips and secret recipes."

I looked over at Jared. He was trying not to giggle with glee.

"Eat up, it'll be cold soon! Ooh look, it's the best bit," he said, pointing to the TV as he stuffed a whole piece of bread in his gob and swallowed it in one mouthful. For the first time in my life I wasn't interested in Jurassic Park. How can he make something that was essentially quite grotesque look fascinating? He seemed to still look beautiful even as he stuffed his face with food.

I took a spoonful of the soup and I swear, my dearest Diary, I died and went to heaven.

"Shit, Jared. Will you marry me? This stuff is freaking lush!"

He stared at me as I happily tucked into the godsend that was his soup.

I only realised once he left that I proposed over a bowl of soup. He probably thinks I'm so weird. That's probably why he didn't speak much after that and just stared at me. Oh well, that stuff was lush.

Who knew he could cook? I swear I learn something new about him every day.

He's so fascinating.

Oh god, I think Jared has actually melted my brain. I like to think I used to be quite intelligent. I could hold a conversation about quite important things - science, politics, general news; that sort of stuff. A bit boring but it meant I could talk to my Grandpa for more than five minutes as all he's interested in is politics. Now all I can think about is how wonderful Jared is. Maybe Mom is right when she says you shouldn't get a boyfriend during school time. I know for sure that I don't pay as much attention in class as I used to and it's only been like three days. And he's just a friend. I really don't think that I'd be able to function if he was anything more. It would be nice though.

Oh, shut up. I really need to stop thinking these things. It's getting ridiculous.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>I promised an update and for once I've actually been sticking to it! My own dog came home from the vets today after a serious operation so be warned there will probably be quite a lot of soppy dog loving in here. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading it. A review would really cheer me up! ;)<br>**

**Sisicloud and Princess2979 thank you both for reading and reviewing, I'm glad you liked it!  
><strong>


	6. April 12

_April 12_

Dear Diary,

I heard so many rumours about it but I never would have believed it. I mean, my imagination couldn't even begin to come up with something like that. It was insane. Unbelievable.

But yet I saw it with my own eyes.

Jared has the best six-pack I have ever seen.

Not that I stare at a lot of six-packs but… fucking hell. I thought he was hot – I _knew_ he was hot. You could tell that beneath his tight t-shirt he had a little summit-summit going on. I did not, however, expect him to have the body of a freaking _god._ I didn't even think normal people could have torsos that were so defined.

Jared is stunning and so mind-blowingly sexy that I can't fathom why the hell he is even wasting his time with me. Surely he should be off in some big city, working as an underwear model? Dating other sexy underwear models?

I'd heard that everyone was saying he, Paul and Sam ran around half naked but when he turned up on my doorstep, topless, as if it was the most natural thing, I nearly passed out.

He is gorgeous.

His stomach is gorgeous. I didn't know you could get a gorgeous stomach, but he has one. His chest, arms and shoulders are _gorgeous._

I'd gotten much better since Jared's little surprise visit, as well as his second surprise visit on Saturday, and again on Sunday, by which time he let me go out for a walk with him, although he turned up holding a thick pair of gloves. Isn't he just the kindest person ever?

Admittedly, it was a lot nicer weather than it was on Thursday, but still. It was sweet. Althought it was a bit weird because he was topless and it was still quite cold.

Not that I was complaining.

He noticed my staring and a grin broke out on his face. At least I think it did, I wasn't looking at his face. I was looking at the thick muscles that wrapped around his body. He has the nicest shoulders I have ever seen.

"Sorry, I forgot a shirt," he said. He didn't sound sorry.

He rubbed his hand down his stomach and I was overcome with jealousy. His skin looked so soft.

I tried to say 'never mind' at the same time as 'it doesn't matter' and I ended up saying 'never matter'.

Some people might say that but I think it was quite obvious that I just made a royal fuck up. I let Zain pull me off down the road. I ducked my head so my hair would fall and cover my scarlet cheeks. He just laughed and followed after me.

It wasn't a cruel laugh, though. More of just a happy one. He's never ever cruel. He makes fun of me all the time but you know he's not doing it to upset you. He makes fun of himself too, he just likes having a bit of banter.

"Oh right. I forgot. What was it you said? Oh yeah, 'you couldn't think straight if I was topless'. Do you want me to go home and get a shirt?"

I glared at him and he let Zain off the lead. He's good enough that he'll just walk beside us until we get to the beach or into the trees.

Jared wrapped his arms around me from behind, managing to keep walking straight.

"Aww, I'm sorry for teasing you, Kimmy," he said softly, his voice filled with happiness and I couldn't exactly be mad at him, could I? Especially when his warm arms were wrapped around me and his naked chest was pressed against my back. "I didn't do it on purpose – the forgetting the shirt thing. I did the teasing thing on purpose just because I love your blush."

Because he mentioned the blush, my cheeks heated up even more. Obviously I knew he'd notice, but it was nice to hope he didn't.

"Yes you did," I replied. "You planned it all because you get off on my discomfort. You're a horrible, horrible person, Jared Thail," I told him.

He pressed a tantalizingly soft kiss just behind my ear and a shiver tickled down my spine, even though his body heat was warming me up.

"Please forgive me? I can't help myself," he said and I shook my head at him in despair as I pulled his arms off and pushed him away.

How was I supposed to act cool and calm if he was holding me and _kissing _me like _that _whilst being topless? I am only a woman, after all. No, worse than that, I'm a teenager. And we tend to do really stupid stuff because of hormones. I do not have as much self control as he seems to think I do.

"No," I replied. "You're far too mean and I don't want to be your friend anymore."

"Oh, please!" he said dramatically as he grabbed my hands and span me around so I was walking backwards. I continued to glare at him as he pressed a delicate kiss to the palm of each hand.

Does he do this on purpose? Does he know what he does to me?

"I was having so much fun with you. Please don't ditch me," he said, smiling down at me as he held onto my hands, our fingers entwined as he pushed me backwards.

"Sorry, it's gotta happen. There's really not that much in this friendship for me."

He grinned. "Apart from great abs you can drool over, my amazing cooking abilities and my all round perfect personality with a hilarious sense of humour, to boot. You couldn't ask for someone better if you tried."

"'Hilarious sense of humour'? Is that what you call it?"

He raised his eyebrow in a delicious smirk.

"That's the only thing you disagree with? So you admit you were drooling over my body? And that I have a perfect personality?"

"No!"

He continued to smirk at me. I rolled my eyes.

Yes. Yes he really did have all of that and so much more.

"You're good at making soup. I'll give you that much."

"You're breaking my heart," he said, grinning. He has the most beautiful eyes. They're just so pure.

He stopped walking, bringing me to a halt also. His head turned the tree line next to the path.

"Jared? What is it?" I asked. He didn't say anything and then Paul and Sam (I'm pretty sure it's him, even if I'd never met him before) emerged from the trees, walking over to us.

Zain bounded up to them and laid on his back next to Sam.

"You need to come with us," he said, staring at Jared intensely. My hands slipped from his. "Now," Sam pressed.

"I just told you, I –" Jared started angrily but Paul cut him off.

"There's been a… bear sighting. Nearby."

Sam shot him a look but said nothing. He really was quite intimidating. No wonder Zain was still lying on his back.

My hands slipped around Jared's forearm.

"Was anyone hurt?" I asked. Sam eyed me carefully as Paul shook his head.

I don't know how I managed to speak under Sam's petrifying gaze but somehow I did.

"We need to leave," Sam said, turning his eyes back to Jared. His lips pursed into a tight line. "Come with us now," he said sternly and Jared all but snarled.

"I have to walk Kim home first."

"Fine. Be quick," and with that the two guys disappeared back into the trees.

Did I mention they were both shoeless? And they didn't have tops on either. What the hell was that about? Who didn't wear shoes in the woods?

"Come on," Jared said, his hand finding mine as he pulled me along. I quickly clipped Zain's lead back on and the both of us had to hurry to keep up with Jared.

"What – what was that about?" I asked between breaths.

"I'll explain later." He wouldn't look at me.

"You – you're not going _after _it, are you?"

He said nothing.

"Jared, that's insane!"

"It's what we do," he replied tightly. "It's fine, Kim."

"What do you mean, 'it's what we do'? You can't go running after bears!"

He breathed heavily. "I know what I'm doing."

We hadn't gotten that far on the walk and with the speed Jared was walking at we reached my house in no time.

"I'm sorry, I have to go." His eyes bore into mine for half a second before he looked away again. "Please stay inside."

I nodded and he stared at the woods.

"I'll explain it later," he repeated and I threw my arms around his neck. I couldn't hold it back any longer.

"Please be careful," I whispered.

He nodded and pulled out of my arms, running into the trees.

I've been panicking ever since. I try to stop worrying by thinking about happy things (his naked upper body) but it doesn't work. My mind goes back to him and my stomach churns.

I've already sent him a dozen texts and he has even more missed calls.

What the hell was he playing at?

What if he gets hurt?

Oh, god. I don't know what I'd do if he was hurt.

There's this girl called Emily Young (apparently she's the girl who Sam ditched her cousin for) and she was mauled by a bear. Was this why? Where they all in some kind of bear-hunting group? This is insane! What if he gets hurt like her – or worse! No, I can't think like that. He'll be fine. He said he knows what he's doing and I'm going to trust that.

I just sent him another text telling him to call me the minute he gets in, just so I know he's okay. I also put about a gazillion kisses on the end of it.

I knew I looked needy but I didn't care. It felt like there was this steel weight pressing down on my chest and I'm scared.

I'm so scared.

I don't know what I'd do if something happened to Jared.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><em>Later<em>

It's now about midnight. I've still heard nothing.

He probably got in, exhausted, and went straight to bed. I doubt he'd think to check his cell. He probably forgot all about me, which is understandable. His mind was on more important things.

Right?

Of course. That's the only logical explanation.

Nothing has happened to Jared because I'd know. I'd be able to feel it, I'm sure. It seems stupid to say that because I'm not a physchic or anything remotely like that – I don't even believe in that – but there just feels like a... a _conection _between us that makes me feel like I'd know. It's like I can almost feel it when he's happy, so I reckon I'd feel it when he's sad or in pain too. And if he... died then I'd know. I could tell. It sounds bonkers and I'd never tell anyone this, but I knew that I'd be able to feel it.

He has to be okay. I need him to be okay.

* * *

><p><strong>I'm really surprising myself with how frequent these updates are! Thanks to everyone whose reading and especially to those taking the time to write a review, I really appreciate it!<strong>

**Rushforlife - I couldn't send you a private message so, thank you so much for reading and reviewing :) **


	7. April 13

_April 13_

Dear Diary,

Rest your little hearts, my sweet future grandchildren. My Jared is alive and well. Err, scratch that.

He's not mine. I don't know why I wrote that. I do silly things sometimes. It didn't mean anything. We'll just ignore that. It was just a teeny tiny mistake. Everyone makes mistakes.

Anyway, Jared is alive and well. Although, it was touch and go to start with.

I had no word from him. I stayed up all night staring at that stupid little cell phone. No call. No text. Nothing. I was starting to lose it. He didn't pick me up for school and then he wasn't in first and second period. I was panicking. Badly. Aysel slapped me to get out of it but even that didn't work. I told her about the bear thing and now she thinks he's mental. She thinks I'm mental too.

Am I mental?

I'm probably definitely mental.

You could tell I was panicking, because I even talked back to a teacher. I don't have the balls to do that usually.

The bell went and I traipsed out, my head down.

Something must of happened, why else would he not be here?

"Kim!" the voice of the most godliest of gods shouted and I turned so quickly I almost fell on my butt. I ran at Jared and flung my arms around his neck for the second time in twenty-four hours. This time he hugged me back.

"Are you okay? What happened? Were you hurt? Did you get it? Was anyone injured? When did you get back?" I asked worriedly.

I quizzed him with about a hundred more questions too.

"Shh, Kim, I'm fine," he said, smiling.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," I breathed and he placed me on my feet and stroked my cheek.

"I won't," he said softly.

I wanted to kiss him so badly. But I couldn't. We're just friends. Good ol' friends.

Yay for friends.

"What happened? Are you okay? Was it bad? Were you hurt? Was anyone hurt?"

He laughed and brushed both of his thumbs across my cheekbones. "Calm down, Kim. It was fine."

I gripped his t-shirt in my hands tightly. "Are you sure?"

His hands rested at the nape of my neck, buried in my hair.

"Yes, Kim," he was really trying not to laugh. "Wasn't it you who was telling me not to worry just last Friday?"

I pursed my lips and looked away.

I understand completely now. The amount of panic I felt at the thought of him not being well... I really don't know what it is that is making me care about him so much, and so quickly, but I can't stand it.

"I'm fine," he said and kissed my forehead.

Suddenly I realised how close we were standing, caught up in each other's arms, in the middle of the hallway and I stepped back.

"Well, I'm glad you're okay," I said slowly, quietly and, as always, awkwardly. He smiled. I punched his shoulder in a friendly fashion. Why? Because I'm an idiot. He laughed and grabbed my hand, pulling me away and I realised that some people were giving us strange looks.

Lucy and Michele later told me that most of the girls in our school now hate me because I 'bagged' Jared. I don't quite know what they mean by that but when I went into the girls' loos today everyone in there glared at me. I don't even get to go out with Jared and yet I'm getting stick for it!

Life isn't fair.

Would it be weird if I asked Jared out?

Okay, that's bullshit. I would never in my life have the guts to ask a guy out. Especially someone as amazing as Jared. I would never ever _ever_ be able to get myself to do that. Some girls don't even care and they'd do it in the blink of an eye. I'd probably worry so much about it before hand that I'd feel sick and then I'd be so worried that I was actually going to _be _sick in front of him that I'd worry even more and blush and stutter and put the person off me even more. Jared probably wouldn't even say yes. With the amount of fuck ups that I've done lately, he'd probably just laugh in my face or run for the hills as fast as he can.

Nerdy quiet girls like me don't get the high school hottie. It just doesn't happen. Especially not in La Push.

Paul caught me staring blissfully at Jared's face today, admiring the chiselled but yet somehow still rounded features, and laughed for like ten minutes straight because of the stupid look on my face. I'm really not that fond of him. It's not my fault Jared is so gorgeous.

I was telling the girls about how gorgeous and beautiful and stunning he was and Lucy thinks it's weird. She doesn't think you should call a guy 'beautiful'. She thinks guys should be called 'hot'. What's up with that? Has she not seen Jared? Yes, he is hot and sexy but he is also so beautifully stunning. The way he smiles and the look in his eyes and just his general personality, as well as his perfect facial features, means that he is undoubtedly gorgeous.

Oh crap.

I think it's happening. I am falling head first in love with Jared. I'm gonna die. I can't deal with this shit.

No way can this turn out well. Like I said, he won't fall for me too. Which means I'll just grow up old and bitter and alone and make an even _bigger _fool out of myself along the way.

Every day I can feel myself getting more and more obsessed with him. A lot of people take the people around them for granted. I don't. I seem to notice every single little thing about him that is endearing and then I can't stop thinking about it. I remember everything; all the little tender touches, the jokes and the heart-aching emotion behind his eyes. He's like no other person I know. I can't help but fall for him.

How do you stop it? Surely it's like any other illness? If you recognise and diagnose the problem before it happens then you can cut it out or get rid of it or something? Right? You must be able to stop it before it's too late.

I just can't keep falling for him. Today his ex-girlfriend, Isi, was all over him. She's really pretty. And funny. And confident. And she doesn't make an idiot out of herself everyday. I am no way even competition for her. I've never been in love with anyone before. I don't think I could deal with it if I fell in love with him and he rejected me.

I just can't let that happen. I can't give him the power to break my heart.

I'm gonna Google it.

* * *

><p><strong>'10 Ways To Stop Falling In love'<strong>

by Kim Conweller

**1. List the reasons why you don't want to fall in love with them **

He won't love me back. I can see it getting obsessive. The only outcome is me getting embarrassed. He'll probably get a girlfriend soon because he's so damn hot and girls keep throwing themselves at him. And then I'll be heart broken. And then I'll never trust anyone. Then I won't ever fall in love ever again. Then I won't get married or have children. I'll probably turn into a wildly depressed loner, which means I won't be able to get job, which means I won't be able to afford a house, which means I will become a hobo and I DON'T WANT TO BE A LONELY HOBO!

**2. List their faults **

He lies to me sometimes. He's almost _too _good looking. He goes off to fight bears at eight o'clock at night with friends who don't wear shoes – that's dangerous and the stress would get to me.

**3. Distance yourself **

I can't. The thought alone makes me feel sick. If I go more than half a day without seeing him I start to get withdrawal symptoms. Is that really bad?

**4. Keep busy to keep your thoughts of them **

It wouldn't matter if I was training for the Olympics, working full time, studying for a degree, caring for someone and taking exams all at the same time – I'd still be thinking about Jared. Even when I'm completely shattered I will still lie awake at night for hours thinking about him.

**5. Do things you wouldn't be able to do if you were with that certain person**

What wouldn't I be able to do if I was with Jared? Think properly? Breathe?

I suppose I wouldn't study as much. I've noticed already that instead of doing homework and revision I'm texting Jared, going out with Jared, walking Zain for twice as long with Jared. So I'll do lots of extra homework. And I'll read more books. I haven't been reading as much lately either.

**6. Meet new people**

This is impossible when you live on a rez where you already know everyone. Who else can I be friends with? If I randomly went up to people in my year and tried to be friends with them they'd think I'm a freak. Plus, there's nothing wrong with the friends I already have. Maybe I should volunteer at an old people care home. I do like old people.

**7. Accept that the feelings may never completely go**

Well I already knew that.

**8. Be cold hearted – if you treat them mean eventually they'll give up and stop speaking to you**

I don't think I'd be able to handle that. I can't physically be mean to Jared because it would upset me too much to hurt him. And the thought of him not wanting to see me, and him not liking me hurts too much. He's so sweet and kind it would be like hitting a puppy. You just can't do something that mean to something so cute.

**9. Don't flirt with them and don't get too touchy-feely**

Like I said before, I'm not a pro at the whole 'flirting' business. I'm just generally not good around guys. Especially good-looking guys. And I can't stop touching Jared. His skin is always so warm and inviting and I'm always leaning into him and brushing against him and, as of late, throwing myself into his arms for a hug. It's become addictive. I can't get enough of him.

**10. Find some else and make out with them**

Who? Dan? Oli? Luis? No. I've been friends with them since I was about ten and the thought of kissing them is the same as kissing Jason; _yuck. _And I can't exactly find a random guy because I would not be able to get them to kiss me. You have to flirt or something. I couldn't do that. I don't even _want_ to kiss someone else. I really wanna kiss Jared.

* * *

><p>Oh dear.<p>

I don't think my heart was really in that.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>I hope you liked this chapter. I cannot take full credibility for the list as a few I stole off the Internet. It's just something a little different that I wanted to do, this whole fanfic is about me trying out new things so please tell me what you think :) <strong>

**Thanks again to everyone whose reading and especially to those who are favouriting or reviewing.**

**To **Rushforlife** and **Ashley C** - thanks so much for reviewing, I'm glad you liked the last chapter :)  
><strong>


	8. April 23

_April 23_

Dear Diary,

The list didn't help. I still follow Jared around, gripping onto his hand as if my life depends on it. I know this isn't good for me but I can't help it. It was naïve of me to think I'd ever be able to stop falling for him. I've already too far gone.

It doesn't help that he's so gorgeous and sweet and kind and flirty and touchy-feely. Maybe he's leading me on. I hope he doesn't know I'm falling for him.

Apparently Jared has something he wants to tell me. He's taking me out somewhere tomorrow after work. I think it has something to do with the bears. And the skipping school.

Did you know he smells really nice? It's like freshly moan grass, rain and something else. I think he noticed me sniffing him today. I don't think I care.

Today I sat with him for lunch. It didn't go well.

"Hey," Jared said as he came up behind me, his fingers gently wrapping around my elbow. I turned to him and smiled so wide I probably looked crazy. I just can't help it.

I craned my head up to look at him. I still can't get over how tall he is.

"Will you come sit with me?" he asked casually, motioning the table that Paul and Embry were sitting at. Embry started hanging around with them this week. I don't know why he suddenly did, because he's a year below us but he's not talking to his old friends either. I was talking to Jared on the phone and all of a sudden he just said 'I gotta go'. He and Paul didn't come into school for the rest of last week and up to Wednesday of this week (although Jared still made frequent trips to my house, where I wouldn't let go of him because I missed him so much) and when they returned yesterday Embry was hanging out with them.

There's only the three of them so why the hell did I feel myself starting to panic at the thought of sitting with them? Oh, I remember. Because his friends are _ginormous. _When they're all walking down the hallway together people will literally jump into lockers so they're not blocking their way. Not Jared, though. He's too sweet to be terrifying. And Embry's a sweetheart. It's mostly just Paul. I think he could squish me with his little finger. And I don't think he likes me much either so he probably would do that.

It would be so much easier to just make up some excuse that I had to sit with Oli to explain homework, or I'd promised the others I'd sit with them, or that I had to go to my locker and then I could just go back to the normal table that I sit with my normal friends and everything would be lovely and normal.

But everything wasn't normal. This overwhelming need to spend time and be physically close to Jared wasn't _normal_.

Jared's fingers squeezed my elbow and then ran down my forearm. "Please?" he asked adorably.

I will most probably make a fool out of myself. I'll look like an idiot. His friends are all probably wondering why the hell that he wants me there. I think Paul is already really annoyed that I'm around all the time now. But he looked at me with those eyes and I bit my lip and nodded.

Jared grinned, his hand slipping down to my hand as his fingers slipped in between mine and he started to pull me off towards the table of doom. Okay, I'm probably overreacting.

We reached the table and Paul looked at Jared then at our joined hands, then at me, then at the joined hands, then at Jared, then he grinned and gave him a cheeky little wink before going back to talking to Embry. He does that every time he sees us touching.

"Oh," Jared said sadly, rubbing his belly. "I forgot to get food. Do you want anything?" he asked me and I shook my head negatively.

"I'll have what ever you're having," Paul said and Embry nodded in agreement.

Jared pulled a face at them, squeezed my hand and left me there.

The fucker just left me there!

I sat down and Paul and Embry shared a look, almost twin smirks lighting up their devilish faces before they quickly scrambled to fill the seats next to me.

"Did you know Jared still wets the bed?" Paul asked, leaning against the table to look at me, a serious expression on his face.

"Yeah. He gets nightmares really bad," Embry agreed, nodding solemnly. "Oh, and did you know he used to breast feed up until he was eleven?"

"Yep. Our Jared sure loves titty milk."

I started to choke and they shared those evil grins.

"That's why he and his mom are so close," Embry added. "Did you know he's really close to his mom?"

"Mmm," Paul nodded. "Jared's a right little mommy's boy. Have you met her?"

I shook my head. Luckily I'd managed to escape that. I hadn't met any of Jared's family except his younger brother, who I am now madly in love with. He's adorable in every single way. But I hadn't met his parents and luckily, even if he'd met Scott more than a few times now, he hasn't had the misfortune of running into my mother.

"You should meet her. She's really nice," Paul said, grinning at me in an evil way that made me _really _not want to meet her.

"Although she'd probably hate you for trying to take her baby away from her," Embry mused.

"Oh, yeah," Paul nodded in agreement, squeezing my arm. "You don't wanna upset Mommy Thail. If you hurt her baby boy then you will not see the light of day ever again."

"I'll bare that in mind," I said slowly and he laughed. Loudly.

It was torture.

"Has Jared not invited you to meet his mom yet?" Embry asked, smirking towards the cafeteria line. I take it back. Embry is not a sweetheart. He is as bad as Paul.

"No! Why would he?" I think I protested a bit too much.

Paul's lips twitched and he leant in but Jared dropped his tray onto the table, making me jump about a foot into the air. I turned to see him glaring at his two friends with frustrated eyes.

He punched Paul hard in the shoulder and I winced, but Paul didn't seem that hurt. "That's my seat."

Paul laughed happily and, while rubbing his shoulder nonchalantly, got up and went back to his original seat – not after pinching a few fries off of Jared's plate.

"Ignore anything and everything that they just said to you," he told me, still glaring at the other two.

"Okay…"

"I hate you two so much," he said, sitting down.

They just laughed happily as if nothing had happened.

But then two guys in the year below us walked past. Jacob and Quil. They're like Quileute royalty for some reason because their family are in the council. That's just La Push for you, I guess.

The whole table went silent as the two guys walking past glared at all of us. They're Embry's old friends. Considering the school's so small, you usually know pretty much everyone and who they're friends with, even if I wasn't ever really someone who took much notice. It's one of the reasons I hate living on this reservation – there is absolutely no privacy.

The table filled with a thick, awkward silence. Jared and Paul just stared straight back (Jared even draping his arm over the back of my chair when they looked at me) and Embry just stared at the table, suddenly looking sullen.

The two passed and they went and sat on a table on the opposite side of the hall.

There was still an awkwardness filling the table.

It really was going so well.

The nosey side of me really wanted to ask 'What the hell just happened?' but from the guys' faces I could tell they didn't want to talk about it.

Jared shifted uneasily and I looked up at him.

He pulled the arm off the back of my chair, mumbling something along the lines of, "I'll explain it later." I nodded and he tucked into his food.

Embry looked over his shoulder at his former friends and they continued to glare at him.

"Do you wanna come round tonight?" Jared asked after a moments silence.

"To your house?" he looked at me, chewing on his food slowly, and nodded. "…will your mom be there?"

The other two started laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world. Jared swallowed and glared at them.

He turned back to me and opened his mouth but I smiled. "I'm kidding, it's fine. I'd love to."

Turns out though, his mom wasn't there, so that was _very _good. I was shit scared about meeting 'Mommy Thail' after what those two had said. I know half the stuff they come out with is bollocks, but still. There had to be some truth in what they said.

"Do you want any food? Or a drink?" was the first thing Jared said when we stepped into his house.

One thing that I have learnt about Jared, and his friends for that matter, is that they eat a lot. Like, freaking shit loads. I don't know how they're not fat. I guess they are all pretty tall and they're all really muscley. I do a little happy sigh whenever I think about Jared and his muscles. He takes his top off a lot. Apparently he 'gets too hot' but I think he just likes making me tongue-tied.

"No I'm alright, thank you."

"Sure?" he said as he rummaged through his fridge, drank a can of soda in one gulp, crumpled it in one hand and effortlessly chucked it into the bin over his shoulder, then ate a banana in about two bites and then made the biggest sandwich I've ever seen in my life. He just kept adding things to it.

"What?" he said and then chucked a massive chunk of about half the cucumber into his mouth before starting to put some of the ingredients back. He must have seen my look.

I shook my head at him and helped him put it all away.

"You."

"What?" he repeated, laughing.

"You're not normal, you know that, right?" I said.

Jared took a massive bite out of his sandwich and gave out a loud, appreciative moan. He closed his eyes and swallowed happily.

When his eyes opened again he smiled at me before he ducked down and brushed a soft kiss to my cheek, causing my heart to flutter as always.

"I know," he said casually before walking through to his front room.

I stood there for a moment to try and regain control before I followed after him.

"Kim?" he said as I sat down next to him.

"Yes?" I replied as he took another bite.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" he asked and I tried not to get too excited. The thought of spending time with him always makes happy.

"We'll I've got work till one, but nothing after that."

He nodded and took another bite. He was definitely trying to wind me up by taking so long to ask whatever it was he was building up to

I picked some fluff off my leg and then looked back up at him. I've been trying not to stare at him so much but I'm failing miserably. I just can't keep my eyes off him. And then he'll catch me staring at him and he'll grin and then my face will heat up and I'll look away in embarrassment. This happens about ten times a day.

"Will you come out with me after work?" he asked once he swallowed. I nodded, trying not to look too eager.

"Good. I sort of…" he put his sandwich down and so I knew this shit was serious. "I have something I need to tell you," he said quietly, turning to face me. I nodded curiously. "But I'm really scared. Paul thinks I'm stupid for telling you so soon but I can't stand lying to you. He says he wouldn't tell a girl till about a year after."

After what?

I slipped my hand into his.

"You don't have to worry, Jared. I'm sure it'll be fine."

He squeezed his hand around mine and then brought it to his lips.

"Of course I'm going to worry, Kim. This is… quite a big thing. And I care about you."

He placed my hand back down and picked up his sandwich, carrying on eating.

"Mmm," he put his plate on the coffee table when he'd finished eating. "That was one good mother fucking sandwich."

I laughed because I couldn't not. Even if my mind was going freaking crazy over this whole situation, and the fact he just said he cared about me, I can't help but laugh at Jared.

"You and your food, Jared."

He smiled at me, rubbing his belly in content.

"I don't understand how you're not fat," I commented.

"I've got good genes," he replied.

"I wish I did."

"No, you don't," he said, laughing to himself.

"What?" he shrugged and waved me off, but there was still that look in his eyes. That 'I know something you don't know' look. He, Paul and now Embry seem to get that a lot. I don't quite get it.

Maybe that might have something to do with what he has to tell me tomorrow.

"Oh, tomorrow we're gonna go see some people. They're gonna tell you some… stuff before I do."

I turned back to him. "Who?"

"Err –" he didn't look like he wanted to tell me. "The Elders."

"The Elders?"

"Yeah. Well, just one."

"Quileute Elders, you mean? From the council?"

"Yeah."

I was so confused that words can't even describe it. "Why would they want to speak to _me?_"

He wasn't looking at my eyes now so I could tell he was finding it a bit awkward answering these questions. But I didn't care. I do not want to go speak to the _Elders. _

"He's gonna help me tell you something important."

"How important?" I hadn't been that worried before but now the freaking La Push Council was getting involved I was freaking out. I can't think of anything more awful than to sit around with a bunch of old guys who I've never spoken before. I've seen them all and I'm sure Mom and Scott are friends with one of the ol' geezers but I'm not understanding what they have got to do with me. Or Jared, for that matter. Why is he all chummy with the council?

"It's important to us," he said softly.

"Us?"

"Me and you," he looked up into my eyes and smiled.

"But what is there to do with us that they're gonna tell me?"

Jared's finger curled around a strand of my hair. "That would be telling," he grinned, giving it a gentle tug.

I sighed and unconsciously leant in closer to him.

"Do I have to go talk to them?"

"Yes please. For me?" he looked down at me with those cheeky, happy, gorgeous eyes and I couldn't say no. I dropped my face to his shoulder and groaned.

"Thank you," he said through a laugh. I'm not good with new people.

We sat there for quite a few hours, just talking about random and meaningless things (food was brought up again, as always, and now I have to make Jared my speciality: fish finger sandwiches), but I can't get the whole situation that's going on tomorrow out of my head.

Why the hell am I meeting the freaking Elders?

It baffles my brain. I'm so nervous. What the hell is it they're going to tell us? Well, me. I like that Jared called him and I 'us'.

Urgh. I'm so obsessed.

It's half eleven so I'm going to try and go to bed. I'm still not having much luck with sleep. How am I meant to sleep when all I can think about is Jared?

Obsessed doesn't even cover it anymore.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>Okay so you can all probably tell what it is that's gonna be coming up, so it's not that much of a mystery. I think when I go into explaining the legends and the facts I won't go into too much detail because you've probably heard it all a thousand times before if you read a lot of fanfiction on this, but Kim will go over it a bit and then go over more of it in later chapters. The next chapter is really short but it's like that for a reason, and I'll be posting up the next two chapters together so it's not pointless :)<strong>

**As always, a massive thanks to everyone who's giving this a shot and to those reviewing because I really appreciate the feedback, good or bad.  
><strong>

**This is gonna be a weird question, but do you guys in America not have double decker busses? Haha, I was listening to a band on the radio and they mentioned they can't get two storey band busses over in the USA. That seems really bizarre to me, is there a reason why you don't have them? **

Vanessa - **Haha, thank you so much for reading and reviewing, I'm glad you like it! :)  
><strong>


	9. April 24

_April 24_

Dear Diary,

It's Saturday.

I just got back.

We –

They –

I –

Sorry.

I don't know how to explain what happened. I don't know how to put into words what just happened and what he told me. I don't know if I should even write down what he just said.

I can't – it just doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense anymore. How am I supposed to believe this? How am I supposed to make sense of anything he just told me?

I can't. I can't do this. I'm not the type of person who can deal with this.

I think they've got it all wrong. They must have it wrong.

This isn't real.

You know what? I can't do this right now. I'll write more later when my brain isn't such a fucking mess. I thought writing in this diary would help but it isn't helping at all. In fact it's making it worse. Writing it down will make it real. I don't want it to be real. This _can't _be real. I think I've lost it. I think I've actually gone insane. I can't believe that I'm believing this shit.

Kim Conweller.


	10. April 25

_April 25_

Dear Diary,

It's three-thirty in the morning and I haven't had any sleep. I thought it would help. I told Jared if I slept on it that it would help.

It hasn't helped. All that my mind does is repeatedly go over last night. I've tried everything. I took double the required amount of my Mom's sleeping pills, so you'd think I was passed out on the floor. But I'm not.

Sleep seems absurd.

I changed my mind. I don't care if writing down what happened makes it real. I need to get my head in order or I'm going to go insane. I might have to burn this page so that noone can ever find out.

I'm going to start from the beginning.

Jared picked me up from work.

Usually Jason does it as he comes that way back from his girlfriend's but Jared said we were gonna go straight there. Naturally, I was a panicking wreck all day. I help out at this little book store like once or twice a week. I dropped nearly every book I held, I gave out the wrong amounts of change and generally spoke bullshit. Mark and Julie kept giving me weird looks and I'm pretty sure I heard them sigh with relief when my shift ended.

Anyway, Jared picked me up. And I knew that he was nervous too, just from the first look at him, which then made me more nervous. We drove in silence.

He took my hand in his when we pulled up at this little house but he didn't make a movement to get out of the car. He just stared down at the gear stick between us.

"If you really don't want to talk to him, then…"

"It's fine, Jared." I was shitting myself, but I didn't want him to worry as well. "We're hear now."

He nodded and got out. I managed to get out before he got round to my side and he told me off. I smiled because at least that meant he wasn't as nervous anymore.

He rolled his eyes and grabbed my hand, kissing it and then pulling me up the driveway. Suddenly I felt sick with nerves again. I really didn't want to talk to whoever this person was. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to carry on in my blissful ignorance.

Jared knocked on the door and a man in a wheelchair answered, smiling up happily at us. I was so glad he smiled. Some of them (the Elders) don't smile and that scares me shitless.

"Erm, Kim, this is Billy Black. Billy, this is Kim Conweller," Jared said as he nervously clutched my hand when we got into this man's house.

"It's nice to meet you," Billy said, smiling up at me kindly. I mumbled something along the lines of 'pleasure to meet you'. Then I realised who he was. This is Jacob's dad, the one who glared at us. I prayed that he's wasn't there. That would be awkward.

"How's Jacob?" Jared asked and I looked over at him, a little startled. Jared seemed quite genuine about it, which I wasn't expecting from the glares they were sending each other the last time I saw them within the same room.

"He's growing a lot, but otherwise he's normal," Billy said, nodding.

Bit of a weird answer, I mused.

"We'll keep an eye out for him," Jared said.

And an even weirder reply.

"I know you will, Jared. Thank you."

_Weird. _

"Come on through," Billy motioned to the living room and then wheeled himself in. "Take a seat, would you like a drink or anything before we start, Kim?"

"Oh, no I'm okay thank you."

He nodded and Jared and I sat on the small sofa.

"Alright, Kim, are you ready to hear the legends?" he asked, smiling.

I didn't quite get understand _why _did, but he did. Although completely confused and frightened, I nodded.

Jared held my hand tightly the whole time, either staring intently at my face, or staring unblinkingly at the floor as I learnt more about my own culture than I've ever cared to find out. It seems silly to say this but it was really interesting. I've never really cared for La Push but from the way Billy tells it… it was amazing.

But I still didn't understand. It was great and I loved learning about Taha Aki and the wolves and the third wife and all of that but I didn't get _why_ they were telling me these old myths. The people of La Push are decendant from people who could transform into wolves to protect their people. The stories were fascinating but why the hell did Jared say this was important to me?

"Thanks for doing this for me," Jared said as he shook Billy's hand once we leaving when the story telling had finished and I'd run out of questions to ask. Well, the one question I really wanted to know didn't leave my lips, but I didn't want to appear rude.

"Not a problem."

"Thank you, Billy. That was wonderful," I said and he smiled and nodded to me. We said our goodbyes and then Jared pulled me to his car.

He shut the door behind me before getting in at his side. He sat there and then turned to look at me.

"That was lovely Jared, thank you for getting him to share it with me," I said, smiling, but then the smile faded. "But I don't… I don't get _why_ you got him to tell me that."

He nodded and put his key in the car, turning away. "Lets go to the beech. Do you fancy a walk?"

"Okay..."

We drove in silence. We got out in silence. We walked for a bit in silence.

It was all flipping _silent _and I wanted the opposite! I wanted to know every little thing about what was going on in that mind of his.

"Jared," I said after about five minutes walking, pulling my hand out of his and standing still. "What the hell is going on?" I asked in exasperation, flapping my arms about.

He let out a breath and ran his hand over his face and then through his hair.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I'm trying to put off telling you this."

I stared at him in confusion as I hugged myself. It was freezing.

"Please don't hate me," he whispered before taking a deep breath and stepping towards me, looking at me square in the eyes. "The stories that Billy just told you… they weren't just myths. They're true."

Okay, I'd thought, he's a diehard Quileute fan. That's cool. I can put up with that, he's still pretty. Everyone has a few drawbacks.

"When there are… vampires around it sets of something in their veins and then they have the ability to turn into a wolf to protect their people and most importantly their families," he stared at me, not daring to speak for a moment. "I have that gene." My heart sank and my stomach flipped. "Me, Sam, Paul and now Embry each have that gene and we can transform into wolves."

I frowned.

He stared.

I stepped backwards.

He stepped forwards.

"_Right…"_

Jared closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "You don't believe me, do you?"

"Not a word of it," I whispered, eyeing the car back at the edge of the beach.

I had to be truthful, I thought he was on the crazy juice. Maybe Michele and Lucy were right; he was on drugs. It was upsetting, because I'd really become so attached to him already. But I can't be friends with druggies. I'm just not that sort of person.

Although I know deep down that was crap. I wouldn't be able to stay away from Jared no matter how much I wanted to. No matter how much shit he spurted about being a mythical creature, there was something inside of me that _needs_ to be with him.

"Please, Kim," he whispered, stepping forward again to close the distance, he grabbed my face in his hands desperatly but still as gentle as he always is with me.

His large hands swallowed up my face. The heat warmed my cold cheeks up. His eyes burned mine with their intensity, emotion and, admittedly, honesty.

"Please," he repeated. "You have to believe me. I need you – I need you to believe me."

"Jared… you're _mental._"

I probably shouldn't have said that. You don't tell a crazy person they're crazy when you're alone together because they'd probably end up killing you.

My hair whipped round my face from the wind and he ran his fingers through it, securing it in his hands at the nape of my neck. He pulled me closer and I felt tiny against his massive frame, which is always a good thing.

"Kim," he breathed as he moved one hand from my hair to cradle my cheek. I stopped breathing and stared at his mouth. His gorgeous, full, tempting mouth. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that mouth.

"You feel it, I know you feel it," he whispered. I looked up into his eyes, although my mind was focused on his lips. "I imprinted on you, Kim. You're my world. My sun. My gravity. You're what keeps me and you're the reason that I..." He broke off and closed his eyes again, breathing deeply. "You have to believe me. I need you. I need you to be able to breathe; to _live._"

My heart was beating in my throat. I couldn't speak or breathe.

It was rubbish. It had to be. I wasn't someone's 'world' or 'sun' or 'gravity'. I'm Kim Conweller – a plain Jane. I'm boring and a bit of a nerd. I'm not gorgous, I'm not hilarious, I'm not overly talented or charismatic. This sort of stuff doesn't happen to people like me. He had to be fucking with me. There was no other reason for it.

I pushed at his chest to get away from him but his arm slinked around my waist, I turned to the side so I didn't have to see him, but I could still feel his eyes on the side of my face and feel his body pressed against my side.

"I don't even understand what you're saying," I exclaimed, frustrated and scared as I tried to full away from him. I couldn't think rationally when he was so close and staring at me like that.

"Haven't you noticed that I'm different? Massive growth spurt, impossibly high body temperature, super fast? I can hear from here to the cliffs and see further. I could lift you up above my head with my little finger and it wouldn't even be a strain. I can walk around topless in a thunderstorm and still feel warmer than you. I'm not normal and you know it. Don't pretend you haven't noticed."

"There's perfectly rational explanations for all of those!" I argues. "It does not mean you're a freaking _werewolf_!"

He let me slip out of his arms and I turned and quickly walked back across the beach the way we came. Even though I was nearly running, Jared didn't even seem to have to walk quickly to catch up with me.

"Please, Kim! You have to just trust me."

"You're insane!" I shouted over my shoulder, still trying to walk away from him. I was getting a bit out of breath but he just kept following me.

"You know that's not true. And I know that you believe me deep down."

"You think I believe that you have the power to _transform into another creature!_" I scoffed, even though there was a little bit inside me that knew I'd believe anything that Jared told me.

"Yes. Because I wouldn't lie to you."

I scoffed again. "You lie to me all the time, Jared!"

"That doesn't count," he said desperatly. "I had to lie to you about this because you would never have believed me if I told you this straight away. I'm only telling you so soon now because I can't stand lying to you a moment longer. I really do care about you so much, Kim. It killed me to have to lie to you."

"How am I supposed to know if you were lying then or if you're lying now?"

"I would never lie to you about something like this," he said softly. "I couldn't do that to you. You know I wouldn't do that."

"How would I know that!" I all but screamed. "I don't even know you! We've been friends for like, barely a month! I don't know if you're the type of person who would do this or not!"

There was no reply and I could no longer hear his footsteps or breathing behind me. I turned around.

He looked at me with heart-breaking eyes.

"Is that it then? These past weeks together meant nothing to you? _I _mean nothing to you?"

Breath gushed out of my lungs as I stared up into those eyes. They were what started this. And I knew that I had to trust him because there was nothing other than brutal honesty in those soft brown orbs. I wished and begged for anything else. Him lying would be better. It would hurt more, sure, but it would be better.

I instinctively stepped closer to him. I wanted to close the distance between us and wrap my arms around him and hold onto him forever. I didn't want to have to argue.

"You don't believe me and that's the end of it?" he asked, showing his soft, tender side. The side that he doesn't show to many people, I realised. "Already. And I care about you so much but you won't believe one thing that I tell you."

"Jared!" I exclaimed, my heart aching. "This isn't just 'one little thing', this is world-changing shit! You're asking me to forget everything I've ever known! It is not scientifically possible for a person to change into an animal! It just isn't possible!"

He said nothing. He just stood there and looked into my eyes, showing me that I had to believe him and that he was telling the truth.

"Please, Jared. Don't. This isn't possible –"

He stepped forward and his hand slipped around my waist to my back.

"I need you," he repeated.

I flung my arms around his neck, no longer able to hold it back, and he easily caught me – because I can't reach his neck and keep my feet on the floor. I buried my face in the nook between his shoulder and neck and he held me tightly.

I felt a tear slip down my cheek and I don't know why. Maybe it was from the lack of sleep. Maybe it was from the intense feelings for him that were swarming around my body and overwhelming every rational part of my being. Maybe it was because it didn't make sense for him to _need_ me; I don't think any person has ever _needed_ me before. Or maybe it was because I just found out everything I've ever fucking believed in was bullshit.

"I need you too," I whispered.

I could feel my cheeks heating up from saying it. It was embarrassing because it was true. Even if my feelings were trying to prove differently, I haven't been friends with him for that long. It was stupid for me to care for him so much and to need him. It was ridiculous. But it was true. From the time he dropped me off to when he picked me up the next morning, all I was thinking about was him. I didn't think it was possible to _miss _someone in that short of a period.

Jared pulled me back a little and tenderly kissed the tears from my eyes.

It doesn't make sense for someone like him to feel this way about me.

Nothing makes sense.

I wiped my cheeks with my hands roughly and then wiggled my feet. He placed me back down on the sand and I smiled up at him. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. He bent down and kissed my forehead.

I squeezed my arms around him. "You really are so warm."

He laughed lightly and his chest vibrated against my face. He ran his fingers through my hair.

I could stay in that position for ever, for the rest of my life. I could accept and then forget whatever he tells me and it'll all be okay because I'm in his arms.

But I couldn't. I couldn't just forget. I had to face it and discuss it and come to terms with it and ask all the little nitty gritty questions because that's what I do.

"So, what's this imprinting malarkey?" I asked as I pulled back to look at him.

He smiled. "It's my favorite bit."

He then explained what that look was when we were in Math. He explained what made this constant need to be with him. He explained why I couldn't stop thinking about him, why it was so easy to spend time together, why we always want to get closer all the time. Because he imprinted on me. Apparently I'm his soul mate or something.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>Okay, that's it for today! Haha, I really hope you guys like it. I wasn't quite sure if I went into enough detail about it it all and her emotions, but it will be gone over in chapters to come. Please leave a review so I know what you think :)<strong>

**Sorry if I didn't send a reply to anyone who reviewed. I did write out replies to everyone but I think I might have just pressed preview and not send by accident but I'm not sure.  
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**Thanks to those who replied about the bus situation! Haha, I don't know what it was about that tickled me, but I just found it really bizzarre. I used the bus the other day coming home from the city center and it was a double decker yet there were still people standing, and we have like well over 100 busses and it's a relatively small town too, so you must have bloody loads of cars everywhere!  
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**Anyway, thanks again everyone whose reading :)  
><strong>


	11. April 26

_April 26  
><em>

Dear Diary,

My life's gone tits up.

However, I have never been happier in my life.

I didn't go out all day Sunday. I didn't answer my cell when Jared rang or sent a text because I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to say to him. I didn't really want to speak to anyone, which was probably why I ended up having a massive argument with my Mom over something mundane. Mom and I seldom fight because I don't think there's really that much for us to fight about. I'm not exactly the type who sneaks out to smoke weed down the cliffs at night like some kids on the rez and I can't really fault Mom. Mostly that's just because she's not here that much – she's a lawyer and I understand that her work means a lot, so I'm fine now that she spends a lot of time at work, and I understand that she's really stressed when she gets home. We don't fight so that's why it was a bit surprising. Plus, I take all of my aggression out on Jason, and he me.

Anyway, I'm getting off track again.

I hadn't spoken to Jared since Saturday afternoon and it's now Monday, so by this morning I was feeling a bit… distressed, to say the least. I kept going over everything he told me on Saturday and my brain just couldn't handle it. I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to say to Jared when I didn't even know how I felt.

There are no such things as werewolves and vampires. I knew that. That's what I've always believed. I've never even doubted it. There are some people in the world that actually believe in this sort of stuff and I always thought they must have a few screws loose.

So I most be totally off my rocker.

There's just something about Jared…

He believed it. He was telling the truth, I knew it. He had to be. And unless he's completely mental and he only believes it to be true and it's not – which is the most logical explanation, but I don't think that's what's happening – then I can't help but believe him. I don't know if I believe what it is that he's telling me, but I believe him.

If you'd told me a month ago that I'd be on the way to believing in _werewolves _then I would have thought you were an idiot. I'm more of the logical, scientific type. Not the 'I believe in mythical creatures' type.

Aysel picked me up because Jared hadn't said that he would, which I was bit upset about. Not that I didn't want a lift off Aysel, because she's great and I really appreciate it, but I was really kind of hoping to see him before school started.

It was probably a good thing though because the girls were getting a bit annoyed that I was ditching them for Jared. Which Asyel informed me of the moment I got in the car by saying, "The girls are getting annoyed that you're ditching us for Jared."

"Always so subtle," I replied dryly and she shook her head at me.

"Just thought I should warn you. You know what those two are like."

"I'm really not ditching you, though," I moaned.

"They're probably just jealous that Jared hasn't gone starry-eyed over them," she said, smirking.

My cheeks burned red and I leaned my head into my hand, my elbow on the car door as I tried to hide my blushing face.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I mumbled.

We pulled up outside Lucy's and after the usual hundred times it takes to beep the horn to get her to leave, she came bouncing out, her big fluffy hair blowing around her head. I love her hair so much. It's so gorgeous, although she always moans that it's too thick. I wish I had thicker hair.

"Sorry! Sorry! Stop beeping that freaking horn!" she shouted as she chucked her bag inside the car in a flurry, strapping herself in and closing the door before trying to flatten her hair from the dreadful wind and rain.

"Oh, hello Kim. I'm surprised you're not getting a lift with Jared."

I looked over at Aysel, who was smirking to herself as she kept her eyes on the road, trying not to laugh.

I had to bite my tongue not to say anything.

Lucy carried on talking, not stopping when Michele got in.

"You know we're only looking out for you, you know that, Kim? It just seems odd that he has this sudden intense interest in you." Oh, if only they knew. "And you don't seem like his type. I mean that in a good way. Do you know who his last girlfriend was? Isi. Yeah. Isi Hurit. Apparently they had sex in her sister's bed. How rank is that? You're not like that. I mean, when was the last time you even had a boyfriend? A _long _time."

It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach by the strongest man in the world to think of Jared getting it on with other girls. I wasn't completely naïve, I know he had sex with other girls. He was a seventeen year old guy living on a rez where there is literally nothing to do. And even before he bulked up he was more beautiful than any guy in our school (I'm probably a bit biased, though) so I understand that he would have had sex. I've heard a few girls talking about having sex with him and… it just hurt a lot to think of him with other girls. It shouldn't, but it did. I had no reason to feel jealous, but I was.

"Jared's really nice. I like him," I said. And I didn't mumble or whisper it. I said it. I liked him. It wasn't something to be embarrassed about. I shouldn't blush or act like an idiot. This 'imprint' thing meant it was going to work out, didn't it? So I shouldn't really worry.

They shut up after that and resided to just speaking about non-Jared related things. I was glad. How was I supposed to not talk about all of this? They were my best friends and yet I wasn't allowed to tell them the biggest thing that's probably ever going to happen to me; I found my soul mate. Apparently. And that soul mate is a werewolf. Apparently.

They'd think I was mental if I said anything to them. But it's now that I _really _need to talk to them.

By the time we got to school Lucy seemed to have completely forgotten about the Jared situation and was in the middle of telling some hilarious but pointless story. I love her, but she has this habit of telling random, meaningles anecdotes. Well, that was until I saw Jared waiting at my locker, then they all rolled their eyes and carried on walking, mumbling their goodbyes.

Jared's eyes were trained on me as I walked up to him. They were tentative yet still held that same burning intensity.

I slowed to a stop in front of him and I genuinely think he looked a little bit scared. How can they think he's not the most sincere and cutest guy ever?

I couldn't hold back anymore. I gave into that primal need that seems to have been niggling away at me since he 'imprinted'. I couldn't ignore the overwhelming need to be in his arms and I pretty much jumped on him, my feet lifting off the ground as I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. His strong warm arms wound around my waist and he enveloped me against his warm, hard chest, squeezing me tighter than I did him. Ever since I'd first given in and hugged him I haven't been able to stop.

"I really missed you," I whispered. I didn't say it proudly like in the car because that _was_ something that was a little bit embarrassing. I wasn't sure where the hell we stood. Maybe he'd get a bit freaked out. I dunno. But I didn't like seeing him so hesitant. It didn't seem natural on his usually confident and cheeky features.

His chest heaved up and down. "I missed you too."

I pulled back and then _I _kissed _his _cheek. This is very bold for me, you should be proud.

Jared grinned and placed my feet back on the ground, although his arms stayed firmly around me.

"I thought you weren't ever going to speak to me again," he said as he brushed his fingertips along my cheekbone.

I smiled and gently shoved him off. "Of course I would."

He opened his mouth to speak but the bell went. He sighed. "Meet me back here at lunch?"

I nodded and he took my hand in his, dragging me off to our first lesson.

My heart continued to thump in my chest and my stomach churned. My mind was a mess and I didn't know what to think. Shouldn't I be scared of Jared? I knew I wasn't. The thought didn't even enter my mind when he first told me what he was. I'm usually petrified of people, but I never have been truly scared of him; speaking to him, touching him and spending alone time with him just felt so natural. There's just an easiness that accepts him straight into my heart.

So I guess that's it then, isn't it? I'm friends with a werewolf. I fancy a werewolf.

Great.

I can't believe this.

When I'd started writing this diary I was so worried that I wouldn't have anything to write about. My life just used to be such a routine. Now I'm involved in some supernatural shit. If someone found this diary, then I was in trouble. I'd get sent off to a mental institute for sure. It's quite exciting now, I have to admit. If some secret organisation in the FBI or something found my diary then the shit really would hit the fan. That's quite scary. That's really scary. My diary puts my Gran's to shame.

Jared has completely and utterly changed my life.

How can my life ever be normal now?

What's probably worse is that if I had the choice I wouldn't change it. If it's a choice between a boring life and a bit of insane one with Jared in, I would chose the insane one hands down. The other option doesn't even cut close.

It just doesn't feel real. Although I say I believe him, I don't know if I really do. Maybe if I actually _saw _him change it would sink in. I'll have to ask him some time. I'll wait till he's in a really good mood.

He wasn't in that much of a good mood today. I think he was worrying a bit. And I sort of ditched him – well, I didn't but I think he was going to ask if I wanted to do something or at least discuss what the hell was going on, because god knows we need to talk.

He told me to meet him at my locker at lunch and he was there before I was, leaning against the lockers as if he owned the place. He smiled brightly at me and my stomach flipped. I don't think I'm ever going to get used to it. I may not be scared of him, but he always makes me so nervous and yet incredibly excited.

"Hey," I said, somehow managing to speak properly.

Jared continued to grin. "Hello beautiful," he said and I quickly opened my locker to 'exchange books'; really it was just to hide my blushing face. He does not need to start complimenting me when I'm just getting used to speaking normally around him.

I shut the locker and brushed my hair behind my ear anxiously. His eyes followed the movement before they rested back on my eyes. They had _that _look in them again.

He smiled and I continued to blush, looking down. Did you know there's a dent on the locker next to mine? Yep. Just by the lock. I'm surprised it isn't jammed. And it's got a carved in game of tic-tac-toe on it right at the bottom. Why would you do it on the bottom of a locker? Surely you'd have to bend down and it would be really uncomfortable? And who stands in the hallway, carving in a game on the lockers? Surely if they wanted to play it that badly they could find some paper.

"Kim?" I looked back up at Jared, who by now was smiling even harder. "Do you want to–"

"Oh my god, Kim!" Lucy pretty much screamed down my ear as she came up behind me, slamming me into the lockers with her melodramatics. "Guess what I got in the freaking history test!"

I cringed at Jared but he shrugged and waved it off, taking a few steps away. I smiled and he nodded, looking at the locker while I assumed he was waiting for her to go.

"Umm, a B?"

"Not fucking likely!" she exclaimed. "I got a D! A freaking _D_ – not even that. It was a D _minus_!"

"A D isn't bad!" I tried to tell her. "It was a really hard test, you had no time to prepare and we hadn't really done that much in class…"

"What did you get?"

"Er…"

"You got a freaking A again, didn't you?"

I cringed and she threw her hands up in the air. "That's it! You're coming round mine tonight and you're going to help me learn History. All of it. Every single bit of history that has ever happened in the world, ever. My dad will tear me limb from limb if I fail this subject. Aysel has already agreed to help but I need as much help as I can get. Please, Kimmy, you have to help me!"

My eyes met Jared's, who had now turned to me with the most heart-shatteringly crestfallen face.

Even if I really did need to speak to Jared to sort this… situation out, I couldn't exactly turn my back on Lucy. She was one of my best friends, after all. And her dad would get really angry if she failed.

"I have cake?" she offered, grinning at me hopefully.

Wasn't I supposed to be going on a diet?

"Fine. But don't call me 'Kimmy' ever again."

She smiled. "Awsome. I'll meet you out by the parking lot at the end of last period!" she then walked away, waving as if she didn't have a care in the world anymore and I turned back to Jared.

"Sorry about that," I said but he just shrugged. "You were saying…?"

He shrugged again, forcing a smile. "It doesn't matter anymore. I hope you have fun tonight… Kimmy."

He was testing the waters.

I don't care if he was adorable and handsome and my freaking _soul mate._ Nobody calls me that.

My killer glare landed on him and his lips twitched into a smirk. Okay, so it wasn't that impressive, but it was still a glare nonetheless.

"Don't call me that."

"What's wrong with Kimmy, Kimmy?" he teased.

"It's disgusting," I told him. "If you keep calling me that I'll never talk to you ever again."

He laughed and grinned at me before leaning against my shut locker. He stared at me for a while.

"I guess I'll just see you tomorrow then," I said and his teeth gently nibbled on his bottom lip. I internally sighed. _I_ wanted to nibble on his bottom lip.

"We'll walk Zain," he told me and I nodded. "And you'll call me the minute you get in."

I smiled. "Will I?"

He slid closer to me. "You will if you know what's good for you."

I laughed, my eyebrows raising. "Is that a threat, Mr. Thail?"

He grinned and pulled me into him, his hands settling at the small of my back.

"Yes. If you don't I'll never take my top in front of you ever again."

I gasped and shoved him. He smirked.

"I hate you. And that's a stupid thing to say anyway, you'd never be able to resist taking your top off because you love being such a show off."

Jared laughed and brushed three soft kisses along my cheekbone.

"That's true, I'd miss watching you squirm too much."

"You're a jerk," I said as I pulled out of his arms. He continued to laugh, his chest rumbling in that lovely way as he wrapped one arm around my shoulders and pulled me into a hug.

"Oh wow, I always forget how short you are," he said softly, and I pulled away from him and crossed my arms, glaring at him for teasing me, _again. _

He winked at me and then took hold of my hand, bringing it to his chest.

"Please forgive me, my dearest Kimmy."

I almost screamed in frustration. _"Don't call me Kimmy!"_

Why is that everyone seems drawn to using that disgusting nickname? How is it I am the only one who can see how truly awful it is?

"I think it's a cute nickname," he said.

"You think everything is cute," I replied, crossing my arms.

Jared smiled and brushed this thumb against my jawbone. "I think everything about _you _is cute."

I blushed and looked away. "That's because you're an idiot."

He pretended to be hurt and pulled me into him. "Aww, what is with all these insults today?"

I shook my head at him and he kissed my forehead. I relaxed against his body and then realised we were still at school. It's so easy to just forget everything around you when you're with him. He takes up every thought in my mind and then I realise that I'm standing in the hall, wrapped up in his arms, looking up at him as if he's god's greatest creation and everyone's walking past thinking I'm the biggest douche.

I really need to get some self control. I told myself that I wouldn't just go back to how everything was. I wouldn't just fall into his arms because things had _changed. _He just told me some unbelievable shit and I wasn't just going to pretend everything was normal because it wasn't. My mind was in turmoil; I couldn't think straight and I haven't had any sleep over the weekend. I don't know what I believe in or what my feelings for him are, but I couldn't hold back. I couldn't deny the need to touch him or laugh with him because it just felt so good. And although I was scared with this situation, I was happy. I loved his teasing and touching and his laugh. Oh, I would give anything to hear his laugh. I get so caught up in it. The sound of it is like pure, undiluted happiness and with every little chuckle he warms my heart up that little bit more.

I'll put off coming to terms with this for a little while longer. I just want to happy and to see him being happy.

Yours truly,

_Kim _Conweller – Not 'Kimmy'. I don't even like being called 'Kimberley', and that's what it says on my birth certificate. It's just Kim. That's it. Just Kim.

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><p><strong>Thanks again to everyone reading, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please share your thoughts, I don't mind whether they're good or bad - I really appreciate constructive criticism :)<br>**

**I hope I gave a little more insight to how she's feeling about all of this. Although it did seem like last chapter she suddenly believed what he was saying quite quickly, it hasn't really sunk in. She _chose_ to believe what he was saying rather than she actually believed it. In her mind werewolves still aren't real and it will take a little longer for it to sink in properly. I think she'll have to see if first hand to be able to convince herself that it is real. **

**As always, the next chapter should be up within the next few days :)  
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	12. April 28

_April 28_

Dear Diary,

Not so long ago I thought my life was boring. Now it's so far from ordinary that I don't even know how to handle it. What am I supposed to say to the werewolf who informed me that we're soul mates? How are you suposed to react to that? Say 'Oh really? That's nice, you're very good looking so at least I'll have somethng nice to look at for _the rest of my life_' and pretend it's all simple and easy. I rarely do things simply and easily.

I know that it's been a couple of days now and I should be getting over it but I still don't quite feel used to it. I just can't help but feel a bit… trepidatious. Is that a word or did I just make it up?

Anyway, I'm worried.

Although I do feel better after the little chat we had. I have been dreadfully lucky in that I've still managed to escape scary Momma Thail. When Jared all but dragged me away with him after school yesterday I panicked, but fortunatly had to pick up his little brother too and then babysit him because his mom was out. To say I was relieved would be an understatement.

Unfortunately Jared wanted to talk (I knew we had to but I really didn't want to, the thought of putting it off a little longer was much more appealing) so he kicked his brother upstairs. Jared really doesn't spoil his little brother. If Nathan was my sibling all I would be able to do is hug him; he's just too cute. I'm worried about scaring him if I hug him too much, so I try and hold back but it's so difficult. He's so sweet and innocent looking, even if he's a little shit and likes to wind up Jared till he loses it. He's adorable really.

But the point is, I still don't know what to say to Jared at times. There aren't guides or rules to how you're supposed to do this. I don't get why the hell this imprint thing chose _me_ and I don't know how he feels about it. I knew I should of asked when he first explained but I didn't really digest it. It was all a bit of a blur in my head once I decided to trust what he was telling me. It just doesn't make sense, you know? What the hell makes someone imprint? And then because we hadn't talked about it all I'd done was worry. What if he said he'd wish it was someone else? What the hell would we do then? Can you undo this? Would it hurt or would my feelings go as well? Would I have to return to my mediocre life without the excitement of a hot werewolf being slightly obsessed? The thought alone made me panic beyond control. What if he did want to 'undo' this? What if he ditched me? What if everything went back to how it was, and we weren't even friends anymore? He didn't even look at me, let alone talk to me?

I didn't think I could stand that. Which is why, even though we were in the middle of discussing the extra superhuman abilities that comes with being a werewolf, I blurted out, "Can you take back the imprinting thing?"

His eyes widened in alarm and he froze. "Why? Do you want to?" he asked quietly and slowly.

I froze too. I didn't, of course I didn't. But what if he did? What if he wanted to but he wouldn't if I didn't want to, but secretly he wanted to and only put up with me 'cos he's so nice?

That doesn't even make sense! See what's happened to my mind?

"Do you want to?" I replied in an equally petrified voice.

He shook his head from side to side vehemently and my heart started to beat at a safer speed.

"Sure?" I asked and he nodded quite certainly. I let out a breath. "Okay, good. That's good. I don't want to either."

He smiled and moved closer. "That really is good, because you can't undo this," he said, brushing his finger up my neck to my chin. I tried not to squirm but it tickled quite a lot. His eyes warmed. "You're stuck with me."

I smiled but then realised I didn't quite know what he meant and pulled back.

"What does…" I swallowed and tucked my hair behind my ear, trying to grasp at some form of composure – with difficulty. "What does imprinting mean exactly?" He'd explained the logistics but I still didn't _get _it.

He sucked and nibbled on his bottom lip, his eyes boring into mine. Why does he always have to do that? Do you think he knows how insane it drives me?

"It can mean whatever you want it to mean," he said softly. I liked that he said that.

He sighed quietly and leant into me, brushing the backs of his fingers against my cheek. "It's just fate telling us that we're meant to be together – not that I'm saying we have to be _together _together_, _if you want to be just friends then that's exactly the same. I just... care for you... a hell of a lot. You're the reason for me to keep going, you now? The wolf gets something to fight for, essentially. Something to really cherish, that will make you work a thousand times harder."

I looked down, my cheeks flaming. No guy has ever even professed their love for me and now all of a sudden Jared was saying something that meant so much more_. _It warmed my heart and made the butterflies in my stomach flitter even faster until I knew that's what I wanted. I want Jared. I want to be with him forever.

He chuckled softly. "Your blush, Kim," he said, smiling and shaking his head. "You're too sweet."

I hit him. "Will you_ stop _making fun of me, Jared!"

"I'm not!" he laughed. He was. "My brain can't fathom how cute you are. I've never had… friends that are as sweet and innocent as you."

I buried my face in his chest. "I hate you so much."

Have I mentioned my love for his chest? It's so warm and hard but yet soft and comforting.

He tried to hide his laughter and then kissed the top of my head.

I took a deep breath and plucked up all the courage I have.

"You know what you just said…"

"Yes," he said slowly, his voice still full of mirth.

"What do you want? Do you want to just be friends, or…" I couldn't say it. I knew we had to face it and talk about it but I couldn't say it.

He pushed my shoulders back so he could see my face, something that I really didn't want. It's much easier to speak when I don't have him staring at me in the way he does. Jared doesn't ever seem to just _look _at me, it's always so much stronger, like a glare but it's not full of hate it's full of… I don't know. Affection, maybe. I'm not sure. I like it, but it's a little off-putting and can make me even more nervous than I usually am.

"I really like you, Kim. You know that. I… _really _like you," he said softly, almost proudly. He wasn't afraid to say it and yet I was petrified to say something like that to him, even if I felt the exact same way. It was just insane for someone like him to like me.

"So whatever you want to do, I'm fine with," he ended, his hands finding mine.

I could feel myself on the verge of panicking. What did I say? I could not ask him out or say 'I think you should be my boyfriend'. Is that even what I wanted? If this… imprint thing meant we were soul mates then surely rushing into a relationship isn't a good thing. We should get to know each other first. If we were meant to be together and he'll always be there then we have enough time, don't we? My parents rushed into a marriage and where did that get them? Filing for divorce a couple years down the line. No, we should take our time. Get to know each other. Make sure we know what we're getting into when we're sure that it will work. We'd do it right.

"I think we should get to know each other better first."

I still can't get over the fact that I said that out loud. I wasn't planning on it, I just blurted it out. It's his intense gaze; I feel like it's burning straight through me and then I have to tell him what I'm thinking.

He cupped my cheek with one hand and turned my face so I was looking at him. He was smiling still.

"I'd like that."

I bit my lip and he opened his mouth to speak, but Nathan came barrelling down the stairs.

"JARED!" he shouted. Jared turned to him angrily.

"What do you want?"

"I'm _bored!"_

"So? What do you want me to do about it?"

"Mom always makes me something to eat when I get home from school," he pouted, putting his hands on his hips in a typically 'Jared' fashion.

Jared's eyes narrowed. "And how is that gonna stop you from being bored?"

Nathan glared at his older brother and I poked Jared in the side. "You're one to talk," I said, smiling. "All you ever do is eat."

Apparently it's because he's a werewolf. It gives him a 'bigger appetite'. I didn't believe that in the slightest, and told him it was a shit excuse for being a fatty. He glared at me with that smouldering glare that makes my insides tingle.

Nathan turned his eyes to me. "Kim, will _you_ get me something to eat, please?"

"Sure," I said, smiling as I stood up. He took my hand and dragged me though to the kitchen, and pulled a 'in your face' look at Jared on the way.

I could still hear him groaning and mumbling in the lounge until he eventually followed us though a couple of minutes later.

"I told you not to make eye contact with him. Now he's never gonna leave you alone," Jared mumbled to me, crossing his arms and standing next to Nathan, who was sitting on the counter.

"I'm telling Mom you said that," he whined.

"Fine. I'll tell Mom you were the one who broke her purple vase," Jared retorted.

Nathan harrumphed and crossed his arms. "That's so unfair!"

"You should have done what I said then."

I smiled as I stood there and watched the two brothers standing side by side, bickering with their arms crossed in the exact same way. It was so blaringly obvious that they were related. If it wasn't just the way their faces were almost exactly the same (even if Jared's was nearly twice as big and much more mature looking), it was the way they acted that gave it away.

"It's not _my _fault I'm hungry!"

"I asked for five minutes alone with Kim without you butting in! I'm sure your starving stomach could have waited!"

"Mom would ground you for weeks and weeks if she knew how mean you were to me."

"No she wouldn't, she'd congratulate me. You're adopted, remember?"

"_KIM_!" Nathan screamed. "Tell him to stop saying that! Mom and Dad said I wasn't adopted and he was just being mean! Tell him off!"

I continued to smile at them. "Jared, you're seventeen, leave him alone. It doesn't take long to make him a sandwich."

"I can't believe you're taking his side!" Jared exclaimed, absolutely appalled.

Nathan smiled proudly and Jared glared at him. "It's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My favorite." It was Jared's favorite too.

"I don't care. Kim, can you make me that fish finger sandwich now please?"

"_That's no fair!" _Nathan whined. "I want that, can I have that?"

"No. You're both having peanut butter and jelly. Stop arguing."

I turned back around to finish what I was doing and I had to try incredibly hard not to laugh as they both huffed and puffed behind me.

Jared turns into such a child when he's around his brother. But he's still so adorable.

Ooh, I have news!

I know I didn't really explain all of the werewolf stuff very well but I'm starting to understand it all a bit more now so I'll explain before telling you the new stuff. Paul, Sam and Embry are also all werewolves. Sam is the 'Alpha', which basically means he's the 'top dog' (forget the dream of journalism, I should be a comedian) and in charge. He can also do this command thing and then all the other guys (just the werewolves, not everyone) have to do what he says. Which is why the other day when we going for a walk and they came out the bushes when Sam said he had to go with them, he _had_ to leave and that also explains why Jared pretty much ran to mine, because Sam told him to 'be quick'. Apparently he felt really guilty about leaving me but he can't deny his alpha's orders, no matter what. I didn't like that. Out of all of the stuff Jared has been telling me I think that's one of the cruellest things. I really could not stand to let someone have that power over me. Jared told me that Sam wouldn't ever make them do anything that wasn't in their best interest but I still wouldn't like it.

Oh, and Jared was the 'Beta', which is like second in command, because he was second to phase. But that's all changed now, which is the new news, – Jacob (one of the boys who was Embry's old friend that glared at us) phased today. And his ancestors are like the main chief people or something (I'm still not fluent with the werewolf lingo) so he is naturally supposed to be the Alpha wolf, so Sam offered to step down but Jacob didn't want to be an Alpha, and so now he's just the Beta. Which personally I think is better, but Jared said they wouldn't have minded either way. I know I'd feel a bit weird having an Alpha who was younger and phased later on.

What the hell am I even talking about? I don't have any clue what having an Alpha feels like! This shit is too much for my brain.

When Jared went off and I thought he was fighting bears, he was actually hunting _vampires. _How freaking insane is that? I had a massive panic attack and wouldn't stop fussing over him when he told me that today. He calmed me down although I think he liked the attention. I can't stand the thought of him being out there with the possibility that he could get hurt or worse; that he won't come back at all. He promised me that he would come back to me no matter what, and it made me feel a little bit better but I can't help but worry.

Which is why I worried no end today; Jared called me before school to tell me he wouldn't be coming into school as they were all having to look after Jacob and try and get him to phase back, but promised he'd see me later, which I'd been looking forward to the whole day. So when Jared called me at eight o'clock at night and I pretty much screamed down the cell that I needed to see him, you can't really blame me.

He chuckled. "I missed you too, Kim."

I pouted, then remembered we were on the phone and felt a bit stupid. "I'll be outside yours in about ten seconds," he started, "do you want to –"

"Yep," I cut him off before he could finish, already getting up and pulling on a sweater. "See you in ten seconds!" I then hung up and jumped the stairs, pulling on my shoes at the door in record time.

"I'm going out, see you!" I called but oh no, my Mom can't let anything be easy.

"Where are you going?" she called as I impatiently eyed the door.

"Out." She didn't reply. "For a walk."

"Again?"

I didn't reply this time and she emerged from the kitchen, Scott flagging her left side.

"Are you going out with this boy Scott was telling me about?"

I stifled the groan. It would be so much easier if I just lied but I knew it would probably only turn out wrong. Jared would probably knock on the door straight after and I'd be busted. I don't have the guts to lie.

"Yes," I admitted and she sighed.

"It's a school night."

"I'll be back for eleven." She looked at me. "Ten?" I offered. I don't know why it's that much of a big deal.

"I'd rather you didn't go out at all. It's getting late already."

"It's eight…" I said.

"Can't you wait till you see him at school tomorrow?"

I groaned and tried to come up with a really good reason.

"We have to discuss school work…"

She looked at me disbelievingly and crossed her arms.

"Please, Mom," I begged and she sighed and looked at Scott. He placed his hand on her arm and I grinned.

"Fine. But be back before it gets too dark."

"Yes! Thank you Mom! Love you, bye!" I ran out the door just as Jared was coming out of the woods.

I ran and then flew into his arms. "I missed you so much!"

His warm arms folded around me and I wrapped my legs around him before I even realised I was doing it. His hands went under my thighs and he hitched me up to his waist effortlessly (again, he gets a pat on the back for not showing any visible signs of struggle) before his hands rested on my hips. I tried not to think about it. The skin he touched did not tingle. We're just friends. That was my decision.

Do friends jump on their friends and wrap their legs around them?

No, I don't think they do.

He held me tightly and buried his face in my hair and I suddenly didn't care. He sighed softly and my heart thudded so loudly in my chest I knew he could hear it.

"You drive me crazy, Kim," he said softly and I pulled back and stroked his face. He's so beautiful.

I stared at him for a while until the beating of my heart slowed to a more normal and safe speed.

"Does this, being apart I mean, does it get easier?" I whispered. All day it felt like... like I was missing a part of _myself_.

"I don't know," he said. "Sam says it's the same with Emily still. He can't go a day without seeing her either."

I nodded and started to run my hands through his short hair before I even noticed I was doing it. I only realised because Jared's eyes flitered close and he leant into my touch. My heart fluctuated.

"How are they now after… what happened?" I pulled my hands away and tried to act normal, even if my legs were wrapped around him like it was normal.

"She's almost completely recovered physically… she'll always have scars though," he replied tightly, looking away solemnly.

A little while ago, before Jared or Paul phased Sam was alone by himself, without a clue what the hell was going on. He split up with his girlfriend Leah because he couldn't trust himself to be around her but unfortunately met and then imprinted on her cousin, which explains the massive rumours about them. Apparently they both feel awful and Sam still loves Leah, but he's fallen in love with Emily too. Emily, angry at Sam as well as herself for hurting Leah, shouted at him and then they got into an argument. Sam lost control for a split second and he phased (they turn into a wolf when they get angry after they shake a lot – I still haven't managed to ask Jared to show me his phasing) too close to her, catching her with his claws in the process. Apparently the guilt nearly killed him.

When Lucy and Michele were talking about how Leah's cousin started to date her boyfriend I automatically assumed Emily was heartless. Who would do something like that to someone they cared for, let alone their own family? But when Jared explained it all, and I brought in my feelings for Jared, I knew that I probably wouldn't have been strong enough to deny spending time with Jared if I were in her situation. I'd hate myself for it but this 'imprint' is too strong.

"I feel so sorry for Emily and Sam. And Leah. Especially Leah."

Although Emily will have the scars for life, the emotional scars for Leah seem like they'd cut a lot deeper.

"Emily keeps going on about wanting to meet you," Jared said, eager for a change of subject, I could tell.

"I'd like that," I said, not having to force the smile that came to my face. And I really didn't. She could be the one person that I didn't have to hide this from. I was going crazy having to sort this shit out in my head alone. I wanted to know how the hell she managed to do it, with the stress of the love triangle added in too.

"How is Jacob?" I asked and Jared shrugged.

"He'll be alright. He's a bit gutted at the moment, though."

I frowned. "How so?"

"There's this girl from Forks he's got a thing for."

I was still frowning. "And…"

"Well, he can't exactly tell her what he is, can he? And he can't spend time with her, not when he could hurt her."

"I don't understand," I said slowly and he stopped walking and put me back down. "Why can't he tell her? Why can't he spend time with her?"

He seemed confused by my confusion. "We have to distance ourselves from normal people because we're a danger to everyone. And we can't go around telling every Tom, Dick and Harry what we are."

I was silent for a while, trying to digest what he was telling me. It takes a while to digest all of this stuff.

"Why don't you distance yourself from me? Not that I want you to, mind. But why did you tell me what you are when they're not allowed to tell anyone?"

He realised why I was confused and he looked at the ground.

"Because you're not every Tom, Dick or Harry. You're special, Kim. You're really special to me and I had to tell you because I can't _stand _lying to you and I… I can't distance myself from you because I'm not strong enough." He looked up into my eyes and placed his hands either side of my face. "But you have to know that I would _never _hurt you. Never. I've been in Sam's head and I know how he feels and I couldn't live with that. The thought of hurting you tears me apart. I'd never ever lose control in front of you, I swear."

I shook my head, his hands moving with it. "I don't worry that you would. I trust you, Jared."

He smiled and kissed my forehead. "Good."

"It just doesn't seem fair," I said after getting lost in his warm embrace for a few more minutes.

He shrugged. "You have to sacrifice some things for what we are, it's just another part of the job. Jacob is just having a bit of trouble dealing with that because she's in a bit of a crap situation. Her vampire boyfriend ran away and it hit her pretty hard – Jacob was the one left picking up the pieces."

I looked at him in alarm. "I'm sorry, Jared, can we rewind that a second? Did you say _vampire _boyfriend?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"What the hell!"

He laughed and nodded again, smiling at my horrified look. "Her name is Bella Swan. God knows how Jacob managed to fall for a girl in love with a vampire, but he did. Bit of an unlucky coincidence, I have to say."

"I still don't get why she was in a relationship with a vampire, Jared! You said they eat people! Why would you want to date someone who likes to eat people?"

He smiled. "They don't eat, they drink. Vampires suck the blood out of someone."

"That doesn't make it better!" I was so disguisted. "Did he drink her blood?"

"No, if he did then she'd be a vampire. Anyway, they, her ex-boyfriend and his family, don't drink human blood; they feed off animals."

I crinkled my nose up. "That's still revolting."

Imagine kissing a mouth that had been latched onto a living animal's body, sucking the life and blood out of a harmless, defenceless creature... Ew. I know we eat animals but we don't eat them while they're still alive or raw or anything like that.

"Mmm, I don't get how anyone could like a _leech,_" Jared spat the word out but didn't seem anywhere near as appalled as I was. "But I suppose you don't choose who you fall in love with."

I stared into his eyes and I realised it was true. I thought she was weird as hell for wanting to date a vampire, but I wanted to date a werewolf, didn't I? But yet it doesn't feel weird at all. Is that how weird my life has become? That I don't even think it's abnormal anymore to want to date a person who turns into an animal? I'm standing here talking about supernatural beings like it's an every day topic! Why am I not freaking out about this?

Sometimes it would be so much easier to just go back to being normal and boring. But when Jared kissed my nose and smiled that gorgeous smile of his, I knew that it was worth it. I had never experienced pure happiness on this level before Jared came into my life. Even if he was a vampire-hunting werewolf.

You don't choose who you fall in love with – which is why that list didn't help at all, I suppose. It was just something that was going to happen whether you wanted it to or not. Like Jared said, it was fate.

I never believed in fate before. I quite like believing in it.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks again everyone for your support and for reading! Please let me know what you thought of it :)<strong>


	13. April 29

_April 29  
><em>

Dear Diary,

I'm the biggest douche in the world.

Let me tell you about my day, where I acted like a douche and did douchey stuff because I have stupid douchey life.

"Okay," Jared said as he pushed me down onto his bed and sat opposite me. "Getting to know each other."

I smiled as I moved to cross my legs, facing him. It should have sounded awkward but it didn't.

"Twenty questions," he said, grinning. "Go."

I groaned but he wouldn't stop that silly grin so I gave in. "Umm… favorite… color?"

His grin fell. "Seriously, Kim? That's pathetic."

He shook his head at me as I giggled and apologised. "That doesn't count and you miss your go," he said, very dissapointed with me. Twenty questions is very serious, you know.

I pouted and he rolled his eyes. "What's your favorite movie, after _Jurassic Park_?"

"_I Am Legend_," I answered without a second thought. "Even though the dog dies and I cried like a baby at that, Will Smith is a freaking god."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Not many people can pull of a film when they're basically the only actor in it. Plus, did you see his… err, never mind."

Jared narrowed his eyes at me. I may have been going on to discuss how buff he was in that film but decided I should probably keep my mouth shut.

He huffed at me once more but let it slide. "So, you're not a chic-flic kind of girl?"

"Uh uh, you've just had your go. It's my turn." He crossed his arms but smiled anyway. He was topless and I realised that he was actually a lot better looking than Will Smith. Which was no small feat because I've always had a thing for him. Even back in the Fresh Prince days. Oh god, I can't believe I just admitted that. If anyone ever reads this diary then I'll just die on the spot because there is so many embarrasing things that I've written down and admitted to.

"Okay," I said, dragging my eyes away from Jared's beautiful torso and getting my head together. "If you had the choice between staying as you are or having never changed into a werewolf, what would you chose?"

He rubbed his jaw. "I'd stay as I am." My eyebrows rose. "You're surprised?"

"You're quite lazy, I'd of thought that you would rather without having to patrol every day," I replied, smiling although that wasn't really why.

He flicked my head and then thought of another question. "If you had to live on an island with only one person for the rest of your life, who would it be?" he asked, a cheeky glint in his eyes. He knew the answer would be him.

"Will Smith," I lied. Jared's mouth hung open. "I think he'd be really helpful. And if worst comes to worst and I died at least I'd get to stare at him"

He was still staring at me with a gaping mouth and I couldn't hold it in anymore. The corners of my mouth twitched and he jumped on me, tickling me.

"You cheeky little shit!"

I laughed and giggled and squirmed and shrieked until he finally gave up.

"I knew you were lying. Who would it really be?"

"No, Jared, it's my go again! What don't you get about this game? We take it in turns."

He let me sit up but instead of moving back to how we were he stayed next to me, our bodies close.

"Yeah, well you lied so that means we skip your go again and it goes back to me," he said. "Who would it really be?"

"You can't just keep making up rules as you go along!" I complained.

"My house, my rules," he replied, smirking as he wrapped one arm around my back and pulled me even closer.

"Fine," I relented. "It would be you," I admitted. "I could make you do all the hard work like making the shelter and stuff like that. And hunting, you'd probably be good at that, considering."

"And you'd do all the cooking and cleaning," he smirked and I gaped at him.

"Jared Thail! That better not have been a sexist remark or you're a dead man!"

He laughed and held his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I know you're not that type of girl."

I still glared and he smiled and kissed my head. "Fine. My go. Do you kiss all your friends as much as you do me?" I teased, and then wished dreadfully that I could retract it.

Note to Kim: You cannot flirt. Do not ever try it again. No matter how great it sounds in your head, it will come out completely different.

"Don't you want me to?" he asked, pulling away slowly.

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"I suppose we did say just friends..." he said, scratching his neck.

"That's probably why all my friends think I'm lying when I say we're just friends," I agreed. Why? Because I'm stupid.

I mean, I guess I had noticed that we were physically pushing the 'friend' boundaries, what with the kissing and hugging and touching, but it wasn't like I didn't like it. Sure, it was a little difficult to try and work out what was going on between us and I suppose we were sort of leading each other on, if we were just going to be friends, but I _liked _it. I liked him touching me and kissing me.

"Right. Sorry."

After Jared dropped me off I came home, screamed into my pillow, very nearly banged my head into the door a couple times and then went off to find Jason to take my frustration out on him. But did I tell Jared that I really wanted to kiss his face off? No.

Why do I say these stupid things? Yes, it was difficult to try and hold myself back when he was being so sweet and kind and unfriend-like, but that didn't mean I wanted him to stop! In fact, instead of him kissing my head and cheek, I wanted him to kiss my freaking mouth. How is it I manage to actually go _backwards? _

I'm such an idiot.

"Kim?" Jared asked tentatively and I looked up at him. "Do you… want me to stop hugging you? And holding your hand?"

That's when I really started to panic. It sounds silly to worry about it but it's just so easy to touch him and it just feels so good. I never feel as relaxed as I do in his arms. The thought of not touching him for… well, until we moved out of the friendship realm (which I don't know when will happen because I don't seem to have the ability to get out of there, even when he quite plainly implies that he thinks we should) made me feel sick. I just wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him.

"Erm… friends hold hands… and hug…" I replied slowly and he grinned. He brushed my cheek with his thumb lightly. "And stroke each other's faces."

He laughed and pulled back. "Okay, my turn. What is it about me that you like the most?"

It was my jaw that dropped this time. I couldn't honestly believe it.

"Your modesty," I replied dryly and he laughed.

"I told you, no lying." At my look he grinned. "What? There's no point being modest when you're _this _hot," he joked.

I stard at him and he just stared back, waiting.

I sighed and gave in. I was gonna have to answer it. "Do you mean physically or my favorite thing about you as a person generally?"

"Both."

"One question at a time, Jared." I sighed again. "Erm, I don't know. Physically, I love your eyes. And your dimples. And your stomach. And your arms. And your back. And your face, of course. And you don't have a bad –" I bit my tongue to stop myself speaking.

Why do I never stop talking? I'm glad I stopped before I went on to talk about his ass. Why am I so embarrassing? Why do I keep talking when I should just keep these things inside?

"Err," I raked my brain to try and find something that could fit onto the rest of that sentence. "Haircut."

His eyebrows rose.

"I never knew you liked this haircut so much," he replied, astonished.

He wasn't astonished. He was making fun of me big time.

"Yep. I sure like short hair," I replied.

_Why? Why? Why?_

A smirk played at his lips but he managed to hold in the laugh that I knew was threatening to break free.

"Right, and your favorite things about me that aren't physical?"

Good, I'd thought. Less embarrassing.

"Your laugh. Your kindness. How you make me laugh so much. How you care so much. The way you –" I could of gone on forever. He was still smirking. I shoved him and he laughed.

"You're so sweet, Kim. I l–" he froze, his mouth already forming the next word, "–like you a lot."

I smiled and he tried to return one through his grimace. It didn't work. We sat in an awkward silence for a bit.

"Erm, if you had to live off one type of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?" I asked. Food is always a great distraction when it comes to Jared. And if worked in diffusing the awkward 'what was he just going to say?' moment.

"Sandwiches. You can get so many different ones. I'd choose sandwiches hands down."

I rolled my eyes at him. He really is very obsessed with sandwiches. I don't really get it.

I looked at him expectantly and he bit his lip.

"Why don't you see your dad?" he asked softly. "Am I allowed to ask that? You don't have to answer."

I shrugged. "I used to see him. Mom and him split up just before I turned one and I saw him a little bit. But he's a lawyer like Mom so he was always quite busy. And then he missed Jason's thirteenth birthday and so Jason called him a dick and told him to fuck off, and he did."

Jared stroked my hand tenderly. "Do you miss him?"

"Not really. I feel guilty about it, but I just don't. I didn't know him well enough to miss him, you know? I don't really remember him that much. His work was always first priority. Sure, it would probably be nicer if I had a dad who cared but I think I've done okay without him. Plus, Scott's great."

His hand gently curled around mine and brought it to his mouth. He stopped just before it reached his lips.

"Err… can I kiss your hand?"

I laughed and nodded, causing him to grin and kiss my hand dramatically.

"He's stupid not to put the effort into seeing you," he said softly.

I shrugged.

"It's okay, Jared. It honestly is."

He forced a smile and tugged my hair. I smiled back at him and wanted to kiss him.

"My turn," I said, trying to lighten the mood a bit. "If you had to make out with one of the guys from the 'pack', who would it be?"

Jared's eyes grew horrified and his mouth opened into a disgusted gawk. "Are you kidding me?"

I grinned. "You have to answer – it's the rules."

"Kim, you're so disgusting that I don't even want to spend time with you anymore."

I threw my head back and laughed at the petrified and revolted look on his face.

"Okay, okay!" I folded, still giggling. "You don't have to answer that. But I know a name popped into your head."

"_Kim_!" he shouted, repulsed by the mere thought. "That's just disturbing!"

I laughed again and fell into his side. He draped his arm over me and gently dragged his fingers up and down my arm. I remembered how I mentioned how we didn't just act like friends physically. Then I remembered that I just didn't give a fuck. It felt nice. Who cares if we're just friends? Sue me. I like the feel of his skin on mine. I like it when he kisses me. It's not ordinary or right but then our relationship isn't ordinary or right, is it? He's a freaking a werewolf and I'm his freaking 'soul mate'! We're allowed to stray through the friend/relationship barrier every once in a while while we sort this out.

"If you had to make out with one of the guys from the pack who would it be?" he asked in that flirty, cheeky, teasing way.

"Erm, Embry I think," I replied without leaving a moments thought. "He's really sweet. And cute. Yeah, he's really very cute. Definitely him."

Jared pushed me down and climbed on top of me, tickling me again.

I kicked and thrashed about but he was too strong to budge.

"Jared Thail!" I shouted. "Get off me right now!"

Eventually he pulled away and I could breathe properly again. He sat back onto my legs and stared. I sat up, my cheeks flushed from laughing too much. I breathed heavily and he continued to stare. I looked down and he cleared his throat and climbed off me.

"You better have been lying, missus, or you're in deep trouble," he joked in a very jealous voice, glaring at me with those deliciously flirty eyes. I can't even think properly when he looks at me anymore. "And if you think you're going anywhere near Call again then you've got another thing coming."

He grabbed my hand and pulled me off the bed. He always seems to be dragging me behind him. Like I said before, he can be a bit lazy. But when he does something, he does it fast and with energy and zest. He never seems to do things half-heartedly. I love that about a person. I suppose that's a characteristic that dear old dad never had when it came to parenting.

I continued to laugh as he led me out of his room and down the stairs. "Jared," I said. It was now or never. I needed to stop putting it off. "Will you show me how you turn into a wolf?"

He stopped on the stairs and turned around, looking up at me in confusion. "What?"

"Like, will you 'phase' in front of me?"

He continued to look at me in that confused way. "There is no way in hell that I'll phase in front of you, Kim!"

"Oh, Jared!" I moaned, putting my hands on his shoulders because I was up a few steps and we were actually at the same height for once. "Please!"

"No!" he replied, not even taking my request into consideration. "You know what happened to Emily. I promised I wouldn't lose control in front of you and I'm not gonna."

"But I'll be at a safe distance! There's no way you'll hurt me, and you have full control of yourself once you're phased so what's the big deal?"

He cringed and looked away. I placed my hands on his face and brought his large head to look at me. "Please Jared, I promise I won't get too close. I just really want to see it for myself. You don't know how difficult it is to just take what you're telling me as the truth without actually knowing first hand what you are."

He sighed and leant into my hands, staring at me. "I don't want you to see me like that, Kim," he whispered and my heart broke.

"Why?"

Jared pulled my hands from his face and moved up to the step I was standing on. "Because you're so small." I frowned, a little bit offended, but he carried on. "You're so sweet and kind and breakable. You're innocent and vulnerable and I don't want to ruin that, it was hard enough to tell you that but for you to actually _see _me..." He ran his hand through his haid. "I'm a... _werewolf. _We're so different that it's insane."

I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him. He sighed after the heartfelt confession and my heart swelled with love for him.

"Don't say it like that, Jared," I said, my voice slightly muffled by his chest. "Being a werewolf doesn't make you a monster. I know that. And we're supposed to be getting to know each other, and I want to know every side of you, wolf included. I've already accepted what you are, I just want to see it for myself to get a greater understanding."

He gently stroked my hair and then leant his head on top of mine. "I'll think about it," he mumbled and I squeezed my arms around him.

"Thank you, Jared!"

Another sigh escaped his lips and he shook his head, taking my hand and continuing the descent down the stairs.

Jared drove me home, with his little brother in the back because his parents weren't at home and he was on babysitting duty. Not that Nathan is a baby. He's about eight, I think. Although he's got that cheeky glint in his eyes like Jared and he's got the mind of a guy double his age. He acts innocent and steals my heart but I know for a fact he knows what he's doing.

"Is Kim your girlfriend yet, Jared?" Nathan asked, getting a glare from his older brother.

"No, she's not."

"Why? You told Mom you want her to be your girlfriend."

"_Nathan!_ Shut the hell up!"

"Why don't you want to be Jared's girlfriend, Kim?" he asked and I blushed as I looked between the two siblings.

"Err…"

"You don't have to answer that," Jared told me quickly before glaring at his brother again in the reer-view mirror. "She doesn't have to answer that. Shut up right now Nathan or you're going to bed straight after dinner."

Nathan crossed his skinny little arms. "You're not allowed to send me to bed, only Mom can."

"No, I can too because I'm in charge when Mom's out."

Nathan poked his tongue out at himand Jared caught sight of it in the mirror. His eyes narrowed as he tried to carry on driving as calmly as possible. We pulled up at my house and Jared unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to his brother, pointing his finger. "Stay right there or I'll kick your ass!"

Nathan glared as Jared hopped out and opened my door.

I said goodbye to Nathan and got out, smirking at Jared.

"Wow, you'd be a great dad," I laughed but then kicked myself as Jared looked down. "I was just joking – I'm sure you'd be a wonderful father."

"Do you want to have children?" he asked softly as he walked me to my door, holding my hand in his. It felt like a cocoon. Warm, comforting and safe.

"Erm, yes. I think so."

He nodded. "Me too."

I was suddenly very worried about what we were talking about. I did not want to talk about _that. _

"In the future," I added. It was difficult to know what he was getting at, what with the whole 'soul mate' and the imprinting and the 'mate for life' and the 'passing on genes' business we've been talking about a lot lately.

I'm sixteen. I do not want to be thinking about children. Although, if I were to have children I would definitely want the father to be Jared, even if he doesn't get on with his brother I knew he would be good with his own children. And his children would be really cute, I'd imagine. Even if they had my geeky genes. He's just really –

I can't believe I'm thinking about children.

If Mom read that she'd roast me alive. Sure, I love kids and everything but I don't think Jared and I should start making plans now. Oh god.

"Erm, I should probably go before Nathan takes the car for a joy ride."

I smiled and nodded. He leant into kiss my cheek like he always did when we said goodbye but then stopped, remembering the stupid thing I said earlier, and withdrew.

"See you tomorrow, Kim," he said softly and I did a stupid little wave. I'm pretty sure as he turned I saw him mouthing 'Just friends' but I couldn't be sure.

Why the hell did I tell him not to kiss my cheek! God, why is this such a mess?

One minute I tell him he can't kiss me because we're just friends and the next I'm thinking about freaking children? It's this 'imprint' thing. It's making me a bit doolaly. I really need to get a grip.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, so you're all probably hating me right now because you're all desperate for them to have a good snog so I'm sorry! I was going to make them hurry up a bit but once I've read through the next few chapters they're all sort of paramount to their relationship or for things that happen later on so unfortunatly you're gonna have to hold out for a bit of action for a while! The next chapter is going to be a bit lighter and less about how they're changingfeeling and is just a bit of fun, which I hope you'll like so that will be up within the next few days.**

**Thanks again everyone for reading and especially those reviewing, I absolutely love reading what you guys think of it, you're all so kind! **


	14. May 5

_May 5_

Dear Diary,

I love my friends. I realise that sometimes it doesn't sound like it, but I do. They make me laugh so hard – like the day when Aysel and I went round to 'tutor' Lucy (we didn't even end up opening our books), I cried of laughter at least three times. They're all great, we have the same sense of humor and I love them all.

Apart from Oli.

Oleskei Kent is my least favorite person in the world.

I thought, despite his bad days, he was alright. Bit of a laugh, you know?

No. He is the devil reincarnated. He has a sadistic sense of humour.

I always get ahead of myself. I'll stop that and start from the beginning.

* * *

><p>"You're sitting with me," Jared informed me as he dragged me off with him as soon as the bell for lunch went, leaving Paul behind to speak to our Math teacher.<p>

"I don't even get a say in the matter?" He shook his head and I sighed. "But what if I don't want to sit with you?"

He turned and eyed me doubtfully. "You _can_ go somewhere else if you really want to_…_"

I crinkled my nose automatically at my bluff being caught. Okay, so I'm still obsessed with spending time with him. Even though I spent the whole night, and most of this morning, on the phone to Jared I still missed him. It's not my fault.

"Mmm, thought so."

It's impossible to try and deny it or mask it.

Jared smiled softly, that look in his eyes as he gazed deep into mine. I'll never get used to it. I got lost in the brown depths before I realised and looked away in embarrassment. I was gaping like a fish, something that I seem to do quite a lot.

He squeezed my hand and tugged me over to the seats they usually sit on.

"Heads up. Paul alert," Embry murmured into Jared's ear when he joined us, Jacob following silently. He's still sad about the vampire-lover girl. Poor Jakey.

Although the worst thing is Jacob and Embry's old friend Quil. Because he hasn't phased and they can't tell him, they have to pretty much blank him. It breaks my heart. He looks so lonely and upset. I've nearly ran up and hugged him countless times but Jared always holds me back, which I suppose is a good thing really. It would be a bit weird considering I haven't ever spoken to him before, but I just don't see why they can't tell him! Yeah, I understand that you can't tell everyone just because you want to, but his grandfather is one of the chief elder people so he has every right to know! If I have a right to know then surely he does too? They think he'd just get upset and feel left out because he hasn't phased yet, and may not ever phase. I really hope he does. I'd hate it if my friends suddenly just ditched me. I _know _he's probably better off this way but I still can't help but feel sorry for him.

Anyway, not soon after the other two joined us, Paul grumpily flung himself into a spare seat. He was close to fuming.

"If you're angry, you should go cool down outside…" Jared said, leaning in front of me.

"I'm not gonna –" he paused and looked around, his mouth tightening as he bit his tongue.

"You better not," Jared warned. He waited for signs of Paul's anger diminishing before he relaxed. "What's up with you, anyway?"

"Stupid fucking Math. I hate this school so much – I don't know why Sam insists we get an education, I'm more use out of this shit hole."

Embry caught my eye as he tried not to giggle. I'd probably giggle more at Paul if I wasn't quite so frightened of him.

"What they say?" Jared asked, holding down his smirk in an effort to look sympathetic for his friend. It was a poor effort, I have to say.

"If I don't have at least one of the Math homeworks done by tomorrow then I'm going to have to get a _tutor_."

The boys all roared with laughter and he reached over and shoved each of them hard. "Shut the fuck up!"

"You'll just have to crack down and get the homework done like a good little boy then, won't you?" Jared teased.

"You know full well I don't have time, dickwad. Not only have I got double patrols to run tonight, but I've got to look after Lily, Francis and Matt, and they're such little fuckers lately. And I can't tell the school to shove the stupid tutor up their ass because they'll send a letter home or expel me or shit like that, and Linds doesn't need to deal with that too."

Okay, so Paul isn't the biggest jerk in the world, I realise. I may have been wrong about him. Jared said he lives with his grandmother Linda, who took in him, his younger brother and sister and his cousin Matt about five years ago when his dad ran off with his mom's sister. And he doesn't see his mom that much either since his parents divorced apparently.

"You can copy mine if you want."

Paul turned to me and I have to say I'm still shit scared under his hard gaze.

"Really?"

"Yeah," I said, trying to act calm even though I was scared he'd punch me in the face. "It won't take long to just copy it down, you can probably get it done by the end of lunch."

I pulled out my book and offered it to him and a rare grin formed on his face. "You are a freaking life saver!" he said, seemingly genuinely grateful. I smiled as he took it from me, flicking through the pages. "Now I get why Jared keeps you around!"

Jared laughed but my smile fell. Great.

All of a sudden Paul started to splutter. We all turned to him as he laughed and then he started to show my Math book around to Jacob and Embry, who both started to laugh.

"What?" I asked, starting to panic. They gave it to Jared, who was looking perplexed. His face broke out into the widest grin and he turned to me, beaming. They all cracked up again. "What?"

I tried not to snatch it, but I pulled it out of his hands pretty forcefully.

My mouth dropped and my mind flooded with pure panic.

All over the page was _'I love Jared', 'Jared Thail forever', 'Kim for Jared'_ and my favorite, _'Mrs. Kimberly Jared Thail'_.

My life was over.

There isn't any reason worth living anymore.

"_OH MY GOD! I DIDN'T WRITE THAT!" _I screamed but they weren't listening. "I swear to god that wasn't me! That was Oli – he had my math book! _IT WASN'T ME!_"

Humiliation just can't even come close to describing it.

They continued to laugh. Jared smiled and picked me up, pulling me onto his lap.

I pulled away and stood up, demanding the boys' attention.

"It wasn't me who wrote that! Look – they even spelt my name wrong! It's 'l-e-y' not 'l-y'! Why would I spell my own name wrong? It was obviously not me!"

Jared continued to try pull me into his lap, smiling.

"Okay, Kim," he said, his arm circling my waist as he finally managed to get me down. "Personally I think it's really cute."

"_Oh my god! _It wasn't me, Jared! That's not even my writing – that's nowhere near like my handwriting! Look how disgustingly messy that is! My handwriting is nowhere near that messy! Look at my handwriting compared to that! And I do not dot my 'i's with little hearts!"

The last part seemed to set them off laughing again.

They weren't believing me.

"This was from a page like two months ago, we didn't even speak then!"

They continued to laugh and Jared just let out an 'aww' so I started to hit him with the notebook to get him to shut up and listen.

"I. Didn't. Do. It." I punctuated each word with a thwack of the book to his arm.

Jared smoothed my hair out along my back with his hand and smiled. "It's sweet."

"IT WASN'T ME!"

They laughed and I grabbed the notebook, storming off to Oli and I then proceeded to beat the shitting life out of him.

But I'm a bit of a weakling so that was a bit of an exaggeration.

He laughed and tried to push me off. "What the hell?" he said, smiling as always.

I opened up the book to the devil page and shoved it in his face. He laughed.

"Oh wow, Kimmy-Con, you really are obsessed."

I hit him round the head with the book. "I know it was you, you little shit!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he lied. I glared. "Who found it?"

"Paul. And then showed it to all of them."

His eyes considerably brightened. "Did Jared see it too?"

I nodded, my arms crossing as I glared. He laughed hysterically and Luis high fived him. I pinched them both.

"Oleskei Kent, I officially hate you."

He laughed good-naturedly. "I'm very sorry." He wasn't.

Didn't he understand the seriousness of this? It was mortifying beyond belief. Eurgh, I can't stop cringing when I think about it.

Oli is the sort of guy who just doesn't care. He's like Jason. No matter what happens he just thinks it's all a bit of a laugh. He has no concern for my mental welfare. I have to live with their teasing forever now! I glared at him for the rest of the day. The worst thing is that you can't even truly be angry at him because you know he never wanted to hurt you because his brain just isn't wired to be spiteful.

Oh god, guess what else happened?

Later on today Jared asked me to go meet his mom. Yes, that's right. _Meet his mom._

It just wasn't going to happen, but I knew he wanted to try and persuade me. He was going to deploy the puppy eyes; I could tell from the look on his face.

"Please, Jared," I begged. "Please, no more. I've had enough humiliation for one day."

He wrapped me up in his arms and smiled down at me.

"Aww, but _Kim,_" he whined and I groaned.

"You can't make me!"

He chuckled into my ear, holding me close against him, and then (even though he'd tried to reel in the kisses since I last mentioned it) he kissed the skin just below my ear. I shivered.

"That's a dirty trick, Jared." It appears to be my weak spot. And I'm pretty sure he knows it.

He laughed again then pulled away, cradling my face in both of his hands. I always feel like my head is so small when he does that – I don't have a significantly small head, his hands are just so massive.

"Fine," he said softly and I let out a very relieved sigh. "But you will tomorrow."

"Oh, Jared!" I groaned and moved in, resting my head against his chest. "This isn't fair!"

"I met your step-dad..."

"And it was probably more embarrassing for me!" I said, pulling away. He smiled that gorgeous smile and we both knew he was winning.

"Okay, we'll make it even; I'll meet your mom," he bargained.

I looked at him in horror and his smile faltered. "You are not meeting my mother!"

"Why not?" he asked, confused.

Why doesn't he understand? Nothing good will come of that! He does not want to meet her.

"Because!" I spluttered. I just can't put into words the awfulness of the situation if he were to meet her.

"You don't want me to meet her," he said, a frown forming on his face, which made me feel like the horriblest person ever.

"No, Jared! It's not that, I just… I don't want _her _to meet _you._" He looked at me disbelievingly. "She's a bit… Eurgh. I don't think you're strong enough to meet her yet – I'll have to prepare you first and the preparation period is incredibly long. We haven't even started."

"You're so dramatic," he said.

I took his large hand in mine and squeezed it. "I'm really sorry." He still didn't look as happy as before and I couldn't stand knowing I caused that. I kissed his hand. "I'll meet your mom?"

He smiled finally and squeezed my hand back. "Tonight?"

"Tomorrow," I compromised and he nodded.

"Thank you. It'll be fine, I promise. Mom can't wait to meet you."

My eyes widened and I gulped. That isn't good. Were Paul and Embry telling the truth when they said they were really close, and he told her everything and she was really scary and going to hate me for taking him away? Nathan did say that Jared told his mom that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Maybe there was some truth to that.

Oh crap.

Jared laughed at me. "Don't worry about it, she'll love you. She already loves you."

Oh double crap.

This can only mean that her expectations are high. She is going to be so disappointed. I hope he's just lying to make me feel better and he hasn't even mentioned me. I suppose it's really sweet if he's been talking about me to him.

Jared gave me a quick hug just as Oli walked past.

"These high levels of PDA are really just not acceptable for school and frankly a little bit sickly," he said, looking down at me in disdain. "Please just stick to the lovesick doodling, Kim."

"Oleskei Kent, you are so freaking dead!"

I left Jared to verbally and physically abuse Oli again. I like to call him by his full name when he angers me because I know he hates it as much as I hate 'Kimmy' or 'Kimberley' – or his favorite nickname for me, 'Kimmy-Con'.

I really like the name Oleskei though, just because it's different. He was named after his great-great-great grandfather or something. I suppose that is one of the upsides of living in La Push; the names can tend to be a little outlandish. I wish I had a wicked Quileute name. Kim is such a boring name.

Ever since finding out the whole werewolf thing I'm finding all of the La Push history so interesting.

Oh god, I can't stop thinking about meeting his mother. How the hell am I going to cope? I hope to god Paul and Embry were over exaggerating _a lot. _

She's so gonna roast me alive.

How am I supposed to sleep when I have this to worry about?

Dear lord, please save me from further humiliation. I just can't take it anymore.

Why did I let him convince me into doing this?

Wish me luck.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, so that's my take on the whole 'writing his surname on the end of hers in her book' that was mentioned from the scene at the bonfire. I know that in the book it was said that she was already had strong feelings for him when he imprinted but I've changed it a bit. She was still strongly attracted to him, but I didn't have them as friends before they imprinted and she can't really have feelings for him if they didn't really talk. And I did think she seemed a bit crazy obsessed with the whole silently crushing on the guy next to you and imagining marrying him so I'm toning it down a bit!<strong>

**Thanks again everyone who's reading and reviewing, you lot inspire me to keep posting as I love hearing what you guys think of this.**

Abby **- You're not the only one on the kissing front! Haha, I'm afraid you'll have to wait a little while longer, but thank you for reading and reviewing! **


	15. May 6

_May 6_

Dear Diary,

I think without you I would have gone crazy by now. Although, I am talking to an inanimate object, which I didn't do before hand, so I might have lost it and I'm just in denial. That's probably more realistic with all the stuff that's going on at the moment.

I met Momma and Papa Thail today. Jared was really excited about it and I haven't got a clue why. If he were meeting my parents I'd be crapping my pants. But he wasn't and thus I was even more nervous because that means that he thinks it was going to go well, so if it didn't then it would be even worse. Unfortunately I wasn't very good at trying to hide the nervousness.

"Kim, you know how I mention that I'm like really strong, as a werewolf? And we can't get hurt easily and we have super endurance?" he asked as we walked up his driveway.

"Yes," I squeaked, looking ahead of me as if I were about to walk into a haunted house.

I thought he was just trying to distract me.

"Well, you're kind of hurting my hand," he teased, smiling. I looked down at his hand, not even realizing I was squeezing it to an inch of its life. I relaxed the grip but didn't dare let go.

"You worry too much. It'll be fine," he told me as he walked straight into the house, not even letting me prepare myself by standing outside the door for a moment.

Affectionate arms engulfed me before I could finish the trepidatious step inside the threshold.

"Oh, Kim! It's so good to finally meet you!" Momma Thail pulled back and smiled that genuine smile I so often see gracing Jared's face. "Oh, you're as pretty as he said you were! Jared, where have you been hiding this girl?" she squeezed my arms and then let me go.

Jared turned to me as he over took us and stuck his tongue out at me. I shook my head at him as his mom ushered me into her house, telling me to "call her Joan, dear".

"Would you like anything to eat?"

"No thank you," I said as Jared happily rummaged through their fridge, leaving me alone.

"Oh, but you will stay for dinner, won't you?" she asked.

Even if my natural instincts were telling me to leg it and get the hell out of the house as fast as I could, her natural kindness had me nodding and saying, "Yes please."

She smiled. "It really is so good to meet you, Kim. I've heard so much about you from Jared."

I blushed but smiled. "It's lovely to meet you too."

She grinned as Jared came back out, shoving a Pop Tart into his mouth with one hand as he threw the other arm around my shoulders. He offered me a bite but I shook my head.

"I don't know how you can eat them cold."

He shrugged. "I like it better like this."

"You're just too lazy to toast it."

He grinned and nodded, kissing my forehead before he stuffed the other half of it in his mouth.

Joan stood there, smiling at us for a moment. I looked up at Jared and didn't know whether to laugh or sigh. I brushed off the crumbs from all around his mouth and he just smiled and winked at me.

Momma Thail sighed happily before retreating to the kitchen.

Jared pushed me backwards into his lounge with his hands on my hips and then onto his sofa.

"I don't want to say I told you so," he said, flopping down next to me. "But I told you so. She already loves you. I did the crumb thing on purpose so it looks like you care about me."

"I'm sure you did," I replied sarcastically and he pulled me closer.

"I told you that you worry too much."

I rolled my eyes and he just smiled as his mom came back, sitting down and _talking. _No quizzing. No punching in the face. No accusatory 'why are you hanging around with my son you inadequate bimbo?'.

It was actually, I dare to say, quite pleasant. If Momma Thail was seething and wanted me dead for hogging her son, she didn't show it. She was just so genuinely lovely. And when she asked me questions she did it in a really calm, relaxed way. I had to say that Jared actually was right.

Not that he would have been any help if he were wrong. He just sat there. His input into the entire conversation was maybe a nod here and there and a couple of chuckles. He just stared at me and stroked my hands.

He at least talked more when his dad came home and we had dinner – they're like a proper little family, they sit around the table and discuss their day. I don't remember the last time my family did that when it wasn't for a special occasion. His dad was still lovely but he wasn't so open about it. He was the strong silent type, if you know what I mean. Whereas Joan was rather short and bubble, his dad Stephen was massive and calm. Well, Jared was still taller but his dad was at least six foot tall, with quite broad shoulders.

I can happily report that there were minimal stuttering and embarrassing outbursts from my part. I probably still looked like a car in the head lights, but I didn't act like too much of an idiot.

After thanking Joan more than you probably should for just a meal, we hugged for about ten minutes. Jared had to pull her off in the end. It was lovely. I don't even remember the last time I hugged my own mom.

Jared shook his head, smiling as he got in the car.

"You're like a mother's dream girlfriend," he said and I looked up at him. "Err, not that you're my girlfriend," he added quickly.

"What? How am I?" I decided to just ignore the last part.

"You're smart, polite and you're not a slag."

"And utterly boring," I added dryly.

He shot me a look. "Don't be stupid."

It was kind of true though. Being called smart, polite and a bit of a prude isn't exactly what you want from someone you want to be with. I may be a mother's dream but I'm definitely not a boy's dream; I was far from 'fun, sexy and witty'.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was a bit more of a whore and I just slept with Jared the week he started to pay attention to me. God knows I wanted to. I stared at him. Jared was fun, sexy and witty.

I couldn't. I admit it; I'm a bit of a prude. A lot of girls my age are scared to be called that but it's not exactly a bad thing, is it? To have standards?

I don't know what Jared thinks of it though. He wouldn't of made the slag comment if he hadn't thought about it. The girls he dated before weren't exactly nuns. I know he said he was fine just being friends but he's probably a little bit miffed I didn't jump straight onto his cock, especially when he had the whole imprinting thing on his side. Finding out someone's your soul mate is enough to make any girl lose their mind.

I'm not sure. I don't think the 'soul mate' thing has sunk in yet. I feel sort of... neutral about it. Sure, I was hella scared of talking to him after I found out about it, but I don't know how I feel about it. I know I should be ecstatic because this was freaking _Jared, _but I think the massive amounts of scaredness is cancelling out all of the other feelings.

Which is probably why I told him I needed time to get to know him first. Although I think I'm stupid for having sid that, I'm sort of glad that I did. What if I fuck it up? What if I just make an idiot out of myself? I don't know if I'm ready to have met my soul mate yet. We're better off getting to know and trust each other. Even if I really don't want to take it slow.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><em>Later<em>

I forgot to mention something earlier. I have awful news. Just awful. Horrendous.

You might have remembered that I ran off with my Math workbook the other day after 'The Incident' (which is what I'm calling that dreadful moment), which meant that Paul didn't have time to copy down the homework and so Mr. Meakin decided to assign him a tutor. I felt completely awful.

But Mr. Meakin also told Jared that he needed to get a tutor too, because he hadn't done homework and because of the amount of time off they've both had they were really falling behind, and with the way they were heading they were going to fail. Mr. Meakin also asked me and this guy Andrew to stay behind – I got frightened because Mom would roast me alive if she found out I needed a tutor, but it turned out he wanted me and Andy to _be _the tutors. He said that extra-curricular work was good for our reports and CV's and University applications and stuff like that so we were both game – plus it meant that I got to spend more time with the wondrous Jared. And I will do anything if it means that I get to spend more time with Jared.

But did he let us chose our own partners? No, he did not. And because he apparently noticed how Jared and I spend most of the time staring at each other, he assigned _me_ to _Paul_ and Andy to Jared_, _because he didn't think Jared and I would get a lot of work done. Paul looked frighteningly angry. I looked frightened. Jared looked gutted. Andy just looked embarrassed to be there. We're not close but I know him quite well. He's a lovely guy and like me a bit of a nerd. He was probably as scared of being with Jared as I was at being with Paul.

_Why? _How is this fair? Paul dislikes me already; he's going to hate my guts if I have to freaking tutor him! I'd rather tutor anyone but him. He called me a swot the other day and this really isn't going to dissolve that opinion, is it? How are you supposed to even help someone when they scare the shit out of you? I mean, I guess it's true that Jared and I wouldn't get much work done, but I should hardly be punished for that!

How is that I have this incredible knack for getting myself into awkward as hell situations? There is no way that this can turn out well. Why does God find it so much fun to torment me?

What I initially thought was going to be a great excuse to spend time with Jared turned out to be another reason why I couldn't spend time with him. Why does nothing turn out right?

On a lighter note, I took the bull by the horns and told Jared that I missed him kissing my cheek. He did it when he dropped me off today. I did that stupid, girly, blissfully in love sigh when I shut the door and I'm pretty sure he heard. And guess what? I don't even care!

I love his lips. They're the nicest lips I've ever seen.

If god wants to carry on tormenting me then I think I should get a full proper kiss as compensation. It's really only fair, I'm a rational human being.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, so I think Kim is just about as desperate as you guys are for them to kiss, but I promise it is coming soon! :) Thanks again to everyone who's reading, favouritingalerting and those reviewing, I really appreciate the feedback. And if there's anything that you guys want to see happen then I'm open to ideas :) Thanks again!  
><strong>


	16. May 12

_May 12  
><em>

Dear Diary,

You'd have thought that I'd have gotten over all of this by now. It's slowly sinking in but I don't know if I've completely came to terms with it.

Although I have came to the conclusion that if I _have _to have met my soul mate when I'm still an awkward, dorky teenager then I'm glad that my soul mate is Jared. I wasn't ever really interested in getting to know him befpre he imprinted (I was fine with just staring at him from afar when I was sad) but now I couldn't imagine it any other way. I've grown so accustomed to his soft touches, intense gazes, and teasing that I truly think I'd be lost without them – I'm not _used _to them, but I love them. I still act like an idiot and blush whenever he does any of those three things, but I do like them very much.

And it's just not the physical things either – I never realised just how funny he was. Or considerate and just plain _kind_. I think being kind is really underrated nowadays. Girls are too concerned with finding the 'bad boy' or the guy with the six-pack or the guy with the swishy hair. When people ask you to describe your ideal man or woman I think people don't reply with 'kind' enough. Why would you even want to be with someone who isn't nice to you all the time? The girls in my year are constantly moaning about how all guys are dicks, but that's not true. Not in the slightest. Jared is a good guy. He cares about people. He doesn't care about everyone, but he _really _cares about those closest to him. And I think that's a trait that you don't necessarily see in everyone all the time. And I really like it.

Jared took me to see Emily the other day. And you can tell that he really cares about her too. She told me that it was probably just because she made them food. I told her she was probably right.

Emily shooed the boys away after about ten minutes of us meeting. Even though Sam is supposedly the 'Alpha', she pretty much wears the pants in that relationship. They moaned and grumbled but eventually left. She told them to get out of hearing distance because we were going to talk about them, which caused Jared to grin happily so I don't think they minded too much.

I'd been looking forward to talking to her for ages, so I wasn't scared when she did send Jared away. I hadn't met her before but there were things I wanted to discuss that I didn't necessarily want him hearing. She's the only other imprint, so it would be nice to know how someone else copes with this. According to Jared imprinting was supposed to be 'rare', but now the two wolves who phased first have both imprinted so they're starting to think that maybe it's not this time round. They're just waiting for Paul to imprint, apparently. He didn't seem to find it funny. I didn't see why they found it funny either.

Emily and I talked for literally hours. It appears when you have something in common as significant as this, you find quite a lot to talk about. We both found it weird to think that we could be the only 'imprintees' in the world. Because how many werewolves out there are there? And how many of them find their soul mates?

Although maybe there are quite a few out there. You just don't know. And we will probably never ever find out.

It's so bizarre and utterly mind-boggling. Emily told me that she still hadn't quite gotten used to it, so I don't know whether to be happy because it's not just me, or to despair because if she still hasn't gotten used to it, and she was imprinted on before me and she seems more level-headed than me, then I've got no hope. I suppose if Jared has gotten used to turning into an animal then I'll get used to it too. Eventually.

We didn't touch on the Leah situation or the scars, even if I did want to know what happened that made him lose it and do that to her. Not that it had anything to do with me, I didn't have any right to know it, I was just curious. For the small time that I saw Sam with her, he seemed to worship the ground she walked on. You couldn't imagine him hurting a fly when he was around her, let alone actually scarring her – which is much, much different to when he came out of those woods when Jared and I were on a walk and he nearly made me shit myself because he was so scary. I dunno. It's just weird. I feel like I should worry about hanging around with the guys because if he cared about her so much and yet he could still hurt her like that then... But I'm not worried at all. They're all so sweet and kind and I can't even imagine them turning into these supernatural beings. God, if my mom knew about all this she'd go ape shit on me for choosing to hang around with a pack of werewolves, but I can't believe that any of them could hurt me, even unintentionally. Even Paul.

Emily is so genuinely lovely. And she's really easy to talk to. It was just so nice to finally _talk _to someone about it. You're great and everything to get my thoughts out, Diary, but you can't really beat actual human contact and conversations. Sorry. It's just nice to know I'm not alone in this.

Oh sweet Jesus. I can't believe I'm speaking to a notebook.

I've so lost it.

Jared and Sam came back about three hours later. Jared put his hand on his hip.

"Are you going to come with me or stay here for the rest of your life with your new BFF?" he asked.

I just looked at Emily, who smiled and rolled her eyes. I thanked her and then left, letting Jared tug me out towards his car.

"I can't believe you ditched me for Emily," he muttered. "I can't believe I was chucked out."

"Like a dog."

He glared at me.

"Jeez, I'm sorry. It's not my fault I found better company."

He turned on me and pinned me against his car. "What did you say?"

I giggled like a fool, and that was before he started to tickle me. Eventually I was able to push him off and I jumped into his car.

"You're so mean to me," he sighed as he got in the car at the driver's side. "I don't know why I even put up with you."

I smiled up at him because he's so funny when he's upset like this. It's like when he bickers with his brother or with Paul.

"_I _wanted to spend the day with you," he grumbled.

I tried not to laugh as I stroked his hand while it rested on the gear stick between us.

"You're such a child sometimes, Jared."

He pouted and the laugh finally escaped my lips.

"Sorry."

"You should be," he continued to feel sorry for himself, frowning ahead at the road.

"How ever will I be able to make it up to you?" I asked.

He smirked and turned to me.

"Remember when your step-dad invited me round for dinner?" he said. I held in the groan.

"Err…"

"The day you were ill. I told you."

"Oh yeah."

I was trying desperately to try and forget that.

"It would be rude if I just didn't ever turn up, wouldn't it?" He looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

He wasn't even trying to be subtle.

"I'm sure he'll understand," I said, scratching my neck and looking out of the window.

His eyes flickered to me before returning to the road. "Are you embarrassed of me?" he asked.

"Jared!" I spluttered. "Why the hell would _I _be embarrassed of _you_?"

He shrugged and kept his eyes on the road. I turned to him and rubbed his arm. "No, Jared. That's not it in the slightest. You're too far out of _my_ league, not the other way around!"

That didn't seem the right thing to say because Jared let out an angry breath but I spoke again before he could interrupt.

"I'm just embarrassed of my parents. That's all."

"Everyone's embarrassed of their parents."

"You're not," I noted as we pulled up at my house.

"My mom wouldn't stop hugging you for about half an hour, that _is _embarrassing for me," he said, smiling, turning to me once he shut off the car.

"Your mom is lovely."

He nodded. He's so sweet with how he's so close to his mom.

"My mom… she's a little different," I cringed as I searched for words to describe it. "She's not as… openly welcoming."

"Basically," he replied, "you don't think she'd like me."

I tugged at his big muscley arm, which I couldn't even get both hands around.

"No! Anyone would be crazy not to like you!"

He didn't respond and from the look on his face you could tell he was upset. I groaned and felt like banging my head against the dashboard.

"Seriously, Jared. I was just trying to protect you from them. Mom is naturally quite… I dunno. I'd say protective but that's not really the word for it."

He continued to stare ahead. I couldn't take the silent treatment.

"Okay, Jared! You can meet my freaking mom! But if she inadvertently insults you, don't come crying to me!"

A wide grin broke out on his face and he leant over and kissed my head.

Why am I so weak-willed? Now I have to endure _another _awkward mother meeting. I'd take on scary Momma Thail any day.

Oh god. This is awful.

You know how some people are really conscience of what they say, and worry about offending the person they're talking to? My mom isn't like that. She somehow seems to think that if you get offended by what she says, that's your fault, not hers. She's not gonna make the effort to pretend to be nice. And it's honestly not that I don't think she'll like Jared because of who he is, she just won't like him because she believes all teenage guys are after one thing and one thing only. And she won't see past that to see how truly wonderful he is. She's not a horrible person, not in the slightest, but she just... has a narrow-minded view on things sometimes.

If she's rude to Jared and he never speaks to me again I'll die.

'Doomed' doesn't even cover it.

Anyway, I had my first 'tutoring' session with Paul yesterday at his house. I was scared shitless. I know he's Jared's friend and all but I still find him as intimidating as hell, even if I spend rather a lot of time with him now. It wasn't too bad, I suppose… Okay I take that back. It was awful.

His little sister bit my ankle. That was weird and slightly scary. She also made me call her Alyssa even though her name is Lilian – Alyssa isn't even her middle name. She told me she just liked it better but when she thought I was out of hearing distance she told Paul she didn't want a 'nerd' to know her real name in case I wanted to try and steal her brain cells… Yeah. Not 'too bad'.

Paul just laughed and ruffled her hair before telling her to scoot. Apart from that the actual tutoring wasn't too bad. Jared said we should just swap but Mr. Meakin wants to see evidence and he said he'd know if we did. And Paul's not exactly a bad person. He just gets angry easily. He doesn't get angry with me, though. He's actually being quite nice with me lately. I think he's trying to put the effort in for Jared's sake. But he's still teasing me dreadfully. It's not as endearing as when Jared does it.

I hope next week isn't so bad.

On a much, much, much, much better note, I'm pretty sure Jared nearly kissed me a couple days ago.

We went back to his house and we were just sitting on his sofa watching shitty television when it happened. He had his arm around my shoulders as if it were so natural and I couldn't help but notice how freaking toned his chest is. This wasn't out of the ordinary.

Jared said something funny and I replied with something dorky as usual and he laughed, cupping my cheek in one hand. He tilted my head to the side so that I was looking up at him through my eyelashes. He had _that _look in his eyes again and I froze, my heart thumping against my chest. He stilled for a moment before his face started to get closer. His nose brushed against mine and my heart leapt to my throat, my lips tingling with anticipation. I didn't dare move in case it would cause him to stop so I tried not to breathe either. His thumb stroked my cheekbone softly and he leant in even further, his breath tickling my lips. I wanted to close the distance between us as fast as possible but I didn't have the guts.

To my great dismay, his mom walked in the room and he quickly pulled away; sitting up straight, removing his arm from my shoulders. I licked my lips a couple times and cleared my throat. The moment was gone as soon as it came.

Joan seemed to have realised something was going on as her eyes widened. She apologised and left the room, giggling. She seemed to find it exceedingly entertaining.

It wasn't.

It was mortifying. We sat in an awkward silence for a while, the both of us sitting up straight. All you could hear was the TV and our breathing.

For the rest of the night we spoke minimally and drove home in silence, although the tension was deafening.

As usual, he walked me to my door. I turned around and opened my mouth but didn't know what to say. He was leant in under the porch again because the rain was hammering down around us. My hair was completely soaked just from the short walk from his car to my house.

He pushed the wet hair off my face and brushed his hand through it.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then," he said and I nodded.

I don't think the whole 'friends' thing is going to work. I wanted something more too much.

He leant down and kissed my cheek, but his lips lingered there a moment longer. I forced a smile before whispering goodbye and running inside the house before I had the chance to jump on him and kiss him within an inch of his life. There's just something about someone being covered in rain that adds a certain amount of sexy to a situation, which is really not helpful when he's already ten times too sexy for my brain to handle.

When I said I just wanted to be friends I didn't realise quite how difficult it would be. I don't really have any other friends who are sexy. I don't have any other friends who are my soul mate either, so I suppose that makes it a little bit harder as well.

It's hard not to want something more when that person acts like Jared does as well. He seems to _care _about me so much and I think, really, that's all anyone ever wants. And when he acts so kind and sweet and he touches me softly it's so hard not to profess my undying love for him. My heart aches with want whenever I'm around him. But oh no, I 'just want to be friends'. God, why am I such an imbecile? Why would you say something like that to someone like Jared? You should try and snatch him up as quickly as possible or else someone else will. And boy, do the girls at my school try. It's difficult not to go mental and start hitting them when they flirt with him, and they flirt a _lot_. I have to just keep telling myself that it's no big deal. But I think if Jared got with one of the girls that periodically throw themselves at him then it would break my heart. Which is extraordinarily selfish of me, I realise. I can't ask Jared to not get with another girl when I told him I wasn't gonna get with him.

This is so confusing.

At least Jared doesn't flirt back. Well, at least not when I'm around.

Unlike Jared, Paul openly welcomes girls' advances. He welcomes every single one of them. He's such a sleazebag.

He has a new girl hanging around him every week. That makes it difficult for me because even if I'm not really friends with them they think that we've got this great thing in common because we're both with guys who are best friends. Not that me and Jared are together, we're just around each other a lot and I think everyone thinks we're secretly together. I wish.

Anyway, they think we have this bond and I have to smile and talk and be buddy-buddy, knowing that she's gonna be thrown away the same as the last one in a couple weeks time. I want to try and warn them but I can't.

I didn't realise there even were this many girls in La Push. And I certainly don't get how the hell he gets so many of them to sleep with him. I don't see why they fall for him when they're obviously not gonna be any different. They all think that they can 'change him', which is a stupid thing to think because Paul doesn't want to be changed. Why would he? He gets free fucks all the time without any emotional baggage. It's a win-win situation, apparently. I think it sounds dreadful.

Whenever I'm starting to think Paul's actually alright he always seems to find a way to prove me differently.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>Okay, so this was originally two seperate chapters but they were rather short on their own so I thought I might as well just put them together, but I think you might be able to notice. I only got two reviews on the last chapter so if there are reasons as to why you're going off this, I'd really love to hear them, don't be afraid to be too truthful as I'm always looking at new ways to improve :) After all, what's the point of writing this if noones enjoying it?<br>**

**Thanks again for reading!  
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	17. May 15

_May 15_

Dear Diary,

Summer vacation is quickly approaching and I'm a bit nervous. While I absolutely hate and can't stand school, it's a great excuse to see Jared every day. I'm as excited as hell to be finishing another year at that place because it means that I will only have one more year to go when we go back, but that does mean I won't see Jared as much. I know he understands because of the imprint thing, but will it seem needy if I ask him to spend time with me every day?

I suppose that's just another wonderful reason to have Zain; Jared usually always accompanies me on walks now – that's if he's not patrolling, or babysitting Nathan, although now he usually just brings him along too. I'm so smitten with Nathan. I want him to be my best friend. I think Jared gets a bit jealous because I went round the other night and spent the whole time playing with his younger brother.

I'd of absolutely _loved _a younger sibling. I'm the youngest in my family, cousins and all, so I was always the one who was poked and prodded. I never got a younger brother or sister to play with. I suppose there was always Jason to play with when we were growing up… but Jase and I aren't really the 'playing' type, we're more the 'poking each others eyes out' type. Although I know deep down we care for each other, we find it better when we're physically hurting the other. While Jared just bickers with his younger brother, we don't feel we've really 'won' an argument until the other one has cried. Jared was unfortunate enough to have to witness one of our many wrestling matches the other day. Admittedly, I started it. I jumped on his head and gave Jason a noogie and after much struggle he leant forward so I tipped over and he shoved me so I fell off, he then belly flopped onto me and pulled my arm back until I surrendered defeat.

To say Jared was horrified is an understatement. I don't think he knew what to do. I'm pretty sure if Jason weren't my brother he would have beaten him up if the look Jared was giving him was anything to go by.

I don't know what it is about Jason that brings out the violent side in me. I mean, I'm very nearly seventeen and he's nineteen. We really should have grown out of this by now, but for some reason I find it quite fun. I don't think I'm naturally that aggressive (which is why Jared seemed so horrified) and it's quite nice to get some of my anger out. Jason is just a great punch bag. It's obviously just a sibling thing. Jared bickers like a child and I give my brother noogies.

Oh, you gotta love sibling banter.

Momma Thail walked in on me and Jared lying on his bed today. We weren't doing anything – we were just lying there, talking, with my head on his chest and his arm around me. But we both blushed red and sprang apart, looking guilty when she entered. Whereas my mom doesn't even want us to go up into my room together alone (she doesn't know we usually spend all of our time in here because she's never around when he's been here so far), his mom seems to find it _hilarious _whenever she walks in on us. Apparently she thinks it's really cute and sweet. This is the second time in a month.

Paul and Embry weren't lying when they said that Jared tells his mom everything. He actually does. I think that's lovely – Jason doesn't even tell Mom if he's coming home for the night or not.

According to Jared, she thinks I'm as 'cute' as he does, which isn't good. It just means that she's also noticed how I constantly make a fool out of myself and now she too pities me.

I've had a few more tutoring sessions with Paul. They're slowly – very, very, _very_ slowly – but surely getting better.

I'm still not sure whether he's laughing at me or with me, but we definitely talk more. I blurted out that I now call Jared's mom 'Momma Thail' and he thought it was hilarious. Which meant he was going to go tell Jared.

Yaaay.

And to top that off, as summer is approaching, so is my birthday.

Jared is insisting that he's going to find me the perfect present. I keep telling him not to get me anything but he doesn't listen. He keeps listing stupid extravagant presents just to annoy me.

"How about we get little Zainy an ickle brother?" he suggested in a cutesy voice as he ruffled Zain behind the ears after he flopped onto my bed.

"I seriously don't think he could stand the competition. He gets far too jealous," I said, smiling as I laid down next to Jared to stroke Zain.

Jared leaned into my side and tugged my hair with his teeth as he contemplated ideas. He's so weird sometimes.

"How about… a house. I'll buy you a house we can live in and then I won't have to sneak out of your bedroom window late at night."

I rolled my eyes and bumped him with my shoulder. "That was a one-off, mister. It is _not_ going to become a regular occurrence. You're leaving in five minutes because it's getting late."

He turned his head and grinned that cheeky grin, wiggling his eyebrows.

It was definitely going to become a regular occurrence.

Mom and Scott went out and came back home rather late the other day. Jared and I had spent the day just in my room, talking and mucking around as usual, and we didn't realise what the time was. Then it was one in the morning and they were back and he was still here… time just flies when I'm with him. We weren't _doing _anything, but Mom would be pissed as hell if she knew he was even in my room, so when you add n ithat she wasn't in the house and it was now technically the morning she wouldn't listen to my calm reasoning that nothing happened. So a little while after they got back Jared jumped out my window. At first I wasn't going to let him because he could get hurt but he wanted to prove me wrong. He didn't want to leave at all but I think he wanted to show off a bit when I mentioned that I thought he'd injure himself.

He managed to jump out the window and land with such grace that I was truly astonished and impressed. I'd totally of broken my ankles. He turned around and gave me the cheekiest smile, the cheekiest wink, blew the cheekiest kiss and then strutted off as if it were an everyday occurrence. I was really worried what Momma Thail was gonna think when he went strolling in at about two in the morning but apparently she was used to it now because of his odd times for patrol. Also, he says he's quite good and jumping into window's, and heavily encouraged me to let him jump in mine late at night after he's finished his shift with patrolling and I'm still awake.

I have a feeling that he's probably going to get his way again.

"Okay, um… a calculator?" Jared mused. "You'll like that, won't you? It seems like the sort of thing you'd like."

I rolled onto my side so I faced him and repeatedly punched him in the arm. Ignore what I said about not being violent. Jared brings out strong emotions from me, on both ends of the spectrum.

"_I hate you so much, stupid Jared Thail!"_

Zain quickly skuttled off at my high pitched whining to find Jason, who has a soft spot for Zain. Everyone seems to have a soft spot for him. Even _Paul! _He came round for our study session the other day and spent most of it just playing with him. Zain loves Jared and Paul well loads. I told Paul it was just because they might have the same lineage because of the wolf gene thing and he wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the day after that. He's such an idiot. _  
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Jared laughed and grabbed my arms, pushing them above my head, his chest over mine.

"I'm sorry! God, Kim, who knew you were secretly so aggressive?" he muttered, shaking his head. I narrowed my eyes at him and he laughed.

"Okay, I'll be serious. I'll get you…hmm, I dunno. You're difficult to buy for. I'm starting to think the calculator is a good idea."

I glared and he smiled the gorgeous smile that makes my heart flutter.

He let go of my arms so I could put them back down. He laid on his side, facing me, but kept one arm draped over my waist while he lent his head in his other hand.

"In some ways it would probably be romantic, you know, considering I imprinted on you in a Math classroom," he noted, staring at me with the eyes that make me blush. I do not like him to mention romance, imprinting or anything to do with love as I don't have a clue how to act. I like to just pretend everythings normal and I'm not harbouring this killer crush for him. At least until we've 'gotten to know each other' and can move on. Then of course I'll face it all.

"Please don't get me a calculator for my birthday," I begged and he smiled.

"I'm just kidding... I know!" he said euphorically. "I'll buy you a car so I don't have to put up with you so freaking much!"

I rolled over, turning my back on him.

"Get out of my room."

He laughed loudly and pulled me into him, somehow managing to get us into a 'spooning' position. It would be very difficult to explain if someone walked in. Especially my mom. Oh god, she'd go freaking crazy and kick Jared out. I still get nervous when he's so physically close.

He nuzzled my neck. "Please forgive me! I'm sorry!"

I shook my head but with the arm wrapped around my waist he pulled me closer.

"I know one thing you can do for me for my birthday," I said as he pushed my hair behind my head, out of the way.

"Oh yeah?" he asked eagerly.

"You can stop making fun of me. You and all your stupid friends." He laughed loudly because he knew that I didn't really mean it. "You lot never tire. It's relentless."

"You love it."

I shook my head and he kissed my bare shoulder. Even if it's freezing outside I've realised that I only need to wear vest tops or t-shirts when I'm spending time around Jared. He is very warm.

"The guys love you so much. They think you're hilarious."

I groaned and buried my face in the mattress.

"They don't think _I'm _hilarious, they just think it's hilarious when I embarrass myself," I grumbled.

He chuckled. "Yeah," he agreed jokingly – at least I _hope_ he was joking. "That's probably it."

I elbowed him and he brushed my face lightly as he tucked a few strands of hair behind my ear gently. It was so tender and soft that I could barely feel it, apart from the fact that the touch of his skin on mine still makes my skin tingle.

He squeezed his arm around me and brushed another kiss to my bare shoulder and I relaxed into him, drifting off to the deep, soft and soothing rhythm of his breathing.

It's now about twelve o'clock and I just woke up, alone, because Jason wanted to borrow my ear phones, not realising what the time was and that he was waking me up when he barged in. He's so clueless.

I just swore at him and he huffed and left, not even closing the door properly on the way out.

As I flopped my head back down onto the pillow I heard something crinkle and as I moved my hand up, my fingers wrapped around a piece of paper. I got up and turned the light on to see that before Jared had tucked me into bed, turned the light out and presumably jumped out the window, he left a note.

A note that turned my blood cold.

'_I now know what I'm buying you for your birthday: a massive roll of duct tape so that at night you can keep your mouth shut. Did you know you sleep talk? Not that I mind, I think it's quite cute when you say my name in your sleep. _

_Sweet dreams,_

_Jared _

_xxx'_

How is it that I can embarrass myself even when I'm unconscious?

Please, if there is any god out there, you have to take pity on my pathetic excuse of a life and give me the ability to act cool. How much of a geek must I be if he thinks a calculator is a gift I'd find romantic? Lucy's boyfriend bought her condoms for her birthday.

Life isn't fair.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>Please read:<strong>** A couple of people have pointed out that they didn't get an alert for the 15th chapter, so if you haven't read about Kim meeting Jared's mom then you might wanna head back and read it, as some of the things that I talk about (like tutoring Paul) probably won't make sense.**

**Thanks again for everyone who's reading and those reviewing or favouriting, I really appreciate it. And it's my birthday today so I think I deserve a little review for posting ;)  
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Dancingonmytrainofthoughts - **Your review made my day! Thank you so much, I'm glad you like it. I've been really conscious of making sure this has as little errors and mistakes as possible, as some of my previous ones have been absolutely littered with them, so I'm glad that you haven't noticed many. Thanks again! :)**

Ashley C - **Hehe, you're not the only one! This seems to have dragged out quite a bit but I promise it's coming very soon! Thanks for reading and reviewing :)  
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	18. May 16

_May 16_

Dear Diary,

I'm just gonna get it over with.

You know how in a couple of entries ago I mentioned Jared's eagerness to meet my mom? Well, unfortunately today was the day that he came around for dinner to meet my mom. It was dreadful beyond belief. I guess I'm just lucky I got to go so long before this happened.

Isn't family weird?

They frustrate you and annoy but at the end of the day you have to love them no matter what because you're related. Although there are times that you really wish you could change them, you wouldn't have it any other way.

That's what I kept repeating to myself throughout the meal with Mom and Jared. Unfortunately, it didn't help.

Jared turned up (actually wearing a top!) and was polite and charming and wonderful. Any usual mother would be rolling around on the floor in glee about how perfect he was.

But my mom doesn't care if you're the worlds nicest or charismatic person, she still thinks you're going to find a way to fuck her over. Maybe it's her job that's made her cynical or all the shit that's happened to her throughout her life, because, if anything, Jared coming across perfect makes her _dis_like him because she believes if you can't automatically see anything wrong with a person then she assumes their faults must be hidden deeper within. You _have _to have a fault. She can't just accept that he's an okay guy.

Well, he is a werewolf so in some ways I guess she does have the right to be cautious, but his personality is great!

"So, what do you do, Jared?" she asked after she frostily shook his hand, had awkward introductions and eventually sat down to eat.

Note that there was no warm, inviting hug when he walked through the door.

Jason was bouncing about in his seat in excitement. I hate him so much. I was sympathetic when he bought both Bimbo No. 1 and Bimbo No. 2 home.

"Err…"

"Do you have a job?" she pressed.

"I help around the reservation for the council, but apart from that, no."

"Oh, well, it must be very rewarding to help out around the place that you live. Have you always lived in La Push?"

You could tell from her tone she didn't think 'helping around the rez' was worthwhile in the slightest. What she didn't realise was that what he's doing is actually a billion times more significant than what she does.

Mom then quizzed him on a thousand and one things. His hobbies, his friends, his family, his 'reason' for making friends with me and, probably the most surprisingly awkward question, his grades. Why would you ask someone that? You just don't. It's too nosey. All of her questions were too nosey. But you can't just ask someone what grades they get, how the hell is that supposed to make Jared feel? And my mom is… urgh. She's disappointed when I get a B. And if it's an A- she asks me where I could have improved.

I'd love to describe in detail every strenuous question that she shoved down Jared's throat, but I can't. I'm trying to forget it. It was awful. Jason was just laughing and Scott wasn't any help either – he just had that 'you know what your mother's like' look on his face whenever I tried to get her to shut up.

It was the epitome of awkward.

She doesn't even realize that she's being rude. And when I told her off after he left she just got pissy and said she was 'just trying to get to know him' and apparently if he wants to spend time with me then she has every right to quiz him on his intentions and personality, as she doesn't want her daughter to be 'hanging around with the wrong people'.

She is literally a boyfriend's biggest nightmare. She's the type of mother that scares boys shitless. And he's not even my boyfriend! She knows he's not my boyfriend!

I walked Jared to the front door after the interrogation had ended and closed it behind me sullenly, taking a deep breath.

"I'm _so _sorry…" I started, because I didn't know how else to begin. I was mortified. I felt so guilty that I could cry.

He laughed and shrugged. "It's fine, Kim. I wanted to meet her."

I shuddered. "I'd say 'I told you so' like you did to me, but nobody deserves that."

He laughed and shook his head at me. "She just cares. That's not a bad thing."

"Yes it is!" I groaned. "Your mom was _so _nice to me…"

"My mom doesn't have anything to worry about, yours does. My mom knows all about this and she knows you're my soul mate so she knows it's gonna work out. Your mom just thinks I'm some stupid kid from the rez with the hots for her daughter. I know I'll have to prove myself to her that I deserve you and I will."

I glared at my feet, my cheeks heating up. One, because she's so embarrassing, and two, because he's not even my boyfriend, so him saying that he wants to prove 'he deserves me' is highly embarrassing. And don't even mention the 'hots for her daughter' bit because I don't know whether to sing from happiness, die from blushing too hard from embarrassment, or just cry. The latter sounds most likely.

"I should go," he said, stepping closer and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders tightly, unwilling to let him go. I could feel him smiling as he held me close.

"I really am sorry. She'll grow to love you, I promise; she has to. She's just a bit… cautious. It's not you, I swear. She's like this with everyone."

He squeezed me tightly and kissed my head before placing me down. "Don't apologise, you little stress-head."

I stared at him, still feeling guilty.

"See you later, beautiful."

I blushed again because he hasn't seemed to realise that, however delightful, I do not want to be complimented! He doesn't do it a lot so when he does it it's all the more embarrassing as it's unexpected.

"Jared…" I said softly.

"Yes…" he replied in the same way teasingly.

"You know how you mentioned popping in through my window after patrolling…"

"Yeah…"

"Would you perhaps want to do that tonight?"

He smiled. "I'd love to."

I smiled too and after a moment he sighed.

"Right, I'm off. Don't worry," he reminded me before kissing my nose and walking to his car. I waved to him and slipped inside my house again. I then argued with my mother (no other guy could sustain that but Jared, they'd all just run a mile). Now I've written this dreadful memory down I am going to dispel it from my mind forever. Like I've said twice before, I really just want to cry.

However, there is something else that makes me want to cry.

Later on, at about nine tonight, I retired to my room (after cheering myself up with watching Will Smith's new film), fully believing that the worst of the day had gone. Nothing worse could happen. I didn't suspect anything.

But what did I find when I wandered innocently back into my bedroom?

Jason. Reading my diary.

He saw me and a devilish smirk lit up his face.

"_Oh, dearest diary, the most wonderful thing happened today!" _he said in a high-pitched, pathetically girly voice. I don't sound like that._ "Jared kissed me on the cheek! He looked up into my eyes and it felt like the Earth stopped spinning. He's the most gorgeous man I've ever seen in my life! Oh, Diary, I can't stop thinking about him!"_

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" I roared and ran at him. He chucked the diary up into the air and scurried out of the room. I caught it and dropped it on my bed before I barrelled down the stairs after him.

"I can't believe you keep a diary!" he giggled. "This is _rich! _A whole new level of pathetic, even for you!"

I jumped the last couple of steps and pounced like a cat onto him, taking him down with me.

"I can't believe you read my diary!" I screamed as I pulled at his hair. "You're so out of fucking order, Jason!"

He shoved me over and we wrestled for a bit more, shouting abuse.

"_Jared's chin dimples are now my all-time favorite things!" _he said in the annoying voice as he kicked me in the face. I dug my elbow into his calf as hard as I could. For anyone wanting to hurt someone: this is a great technique if you have pointy elbows. Take your time to really dig it into the muscles for maximum effect.

"Aaargh! _Oh, Jared, you're so gorgeous – but you'll never like an ordinary girl like me!" _

He managed to push me off and pinned my arms under his knees. He stuck his finger in his mouth and licked it. I screamed in terror.

"No! Anything but that! Anything!"

He stuck his wet finger right in my ear. I squirmed and shoved and shrieked.

"I hate you so freaking much!" I screeched as I eventually pushed him off.

_"Jared is so perfect. Jared, Jared, Jared! How ever am I going to stop thinking about Jared?"_

We fought and hit some more until freezing cold water splashed over our heads.

We both pulled away abruptly and rubbed our faces in shock to see Mom standing there, one hand on her hip and one hand wrapped round a glass. An empty glass.

"Mom! What the hell?" Jason and I screamed but piped down when she pulled out The Scary Mom Glare.

"Jason, you're nearly nineteen! You should be doing better things than fighting with your sister – like getting a _job _or a place to live! And Kim, you should know better too, you're about to go into your last year of high school. Both of you start acting your age," she huffed and then marched off into kitchen.

I stood up and held my hand out to help him up, offering a truce. He grabbed it and pulled me down onto the ground.

I punched him. "You're such a child!"

Mom stuck her head round the corner and we silently got up and went and sat on the sofa.

"I can't believe you read my diary," I whispered angrily.

He just had that shit-eating grin on his face as he watched TV. I glared at him. He pinched me.

"You shouldn't have left it on your desk. Rather thoughtless of you."

I huffed and left, walking upstairs to my bedroom, where I then experienced déjà vu.

A guy, standing in my bedroom, my diary in his hands. Apart from this was Jared, so maybe a hundred times worse.

"_Oh my god!" _I tackled him onto the bed, whilst trying to be quiet as to not alert my family he was up here, and ripped it from his hands.

He laughed. "What? What is it?"

"Did you go through my underwear draw?" I whispered in horror.

"I'm sorry, _what_?" he spluttered, looking truly embarrassed and petrified.

"To get this?"

"No!" he exclaimed in a panicked voice. "It was just on your bed – I just now picked it up when you walked in! I swear I didn't!"

"Oh," I said, my voice not as high pitched and horrified, but instead quite embarrassed. "Right. Sorry."

I'd forgotten that when I had chased after Jason I hadn't put it back in its safe hiding place. Jason wouldn't go through my underwear, even to get this diary, so I knew it was the one place that even if he did find out I wrote one, he would never go there. I just assumed it was back in it's hiding place.

I can't get over the fact that I said that to Jared.

Jared laughed awkwardly and rubbed his neck. "Err, it's alright."

"So you didn't open it?" I asked, clutching it to my chest and turning my body away to shield my diary (and my blushing face) from his sight.

"No I just picked it up when you walked in, what is it?" he reached around me and tried to get it out of my grip but I didn't let go.

"Jared! Leave it!"

He laughed and then he thought we did some cute little flirty wrestling thing, whereas really I was having a heart attack and being dreadfully serious when I told him to get te hell off.

"Please, Kimmy, tell me what it is!"

I smacked him on the head with it and eventually slipped out of his grasp.

"Is it a diary?" he guessed.

I said nothing.

"Aww, it's a diary, isn't it? You're so adorable. Will you let me read it?"

"Absolutely not!" I scoffed. He pouted and looked up at me with his gorgeous eyes. "Nuh-uh, buddy. That's not working this time."

"Pretty please? With sugar on top?"

"No. N. O. _No._"

He pouted again but for once I wasn't backing down, there was far too much incriminating shit in this diary. I would die in the spot. Fortunately enough I got Jason before I talked about the werewolf stuff. At least I hope so. He only looked like he was on the second or third page and he didn't mention it, and he would definitely mention _that _if he had read it. Oh god, I really hope he didn't read more.

"That's so unfair!"

"No it is not, Jared! It's _my _diary! It's not something for people to read!"

He reached his arms out and gently stroked my hand. It was a very seductive stroke. He looked up at me innocently.

"But we're soul mates… we should share everything…"

I shook my head. "Not a chance in hell, _Thail_."

"Ooh, on last name terms now are we, _Conweller_?" he grinned and I nodded, glaring.

"You shouldn't have touched my diary, _Thail." _

"Well, you shouldn't go leaving it around places, _Conweller,_" he replied, trying to pull me onto my bed.

"You shouldn't be sneaking around my bedroom when I'm not in here, _Thail._"

He managed to pull me down to sit next to him on my bed and he leant into me. "You shouldn't leave your window open, _Conweller_," he replied softly, his lips nearing mine. I stared at them, feeling myself lean into him slowly.

Unfortunately, I also felt the diary being gently tugged from my hands and I pulled away from the distraction of his mouth and regained a tight clasp on the diary in my hands.

"Naughty Thail!" I whispered angrily as he laughed at being caught out.

"I'm sorry. But you've whet my interest."

"Well that's unlucky for you, you little shit, because you'll have to live with that interest for the rest of your life. You will never _ever _get to read it, okay?"

He pouted and I put it in the draw of my desk before going back to my bed. There was no point putting it back in it's usual hiding spot now that he knew where it was. I can't believe I accused him of going through my underwear. Oh god. I'm such an embarrassment.

"You're no fun," he mumbled and I shook my head.

"I don't care. This is one thing that you cannot get me to do. Not now, not ever."

He frowned and I breathed a breath of relief and sat back down.

"Now," I said. "Have you gotten over today's disaster?"

He smiled as I sat down, leaning against the backrest of my bed, pulling my legs up.

"You're still worrying about that?" he asked although didn't sound surprised.

"Of course I am, I thought you weren't ever going to speak to me again."

He laughed and rolled his eyes as he laid down, his head on my pillow next to me.

"Nothing could ever stop me from speaking to you, Kim."

"Promise? Because I'm a bit of an idiot and I'll probably do more than a million things to annoy and anger you…"

"I promise," he said, taking my hand in this. "Although if you don't let me read your diary in the next week then I won't speak to you."

I shrugged, smiling. "I don't care. I'd rather you never spoke to me again than you read my diary."

He whined and I shook my head defiantly.

For once I wasn't going to be a doormat and I was going to stick to what I want. Nobody else is gonna get their hands on my freaking diary. Never.

On a lighter note, the wonderful Quil has finally phased. I think I was the happiest out of everyone when he did because I no longer have to see his sad little face as he traipses around school without the other two musketeers flagging his sides. I also felt so incredibly guilty about knowing and him not. I don't know why I had the right to know when he didn't, so unfortunately I was so overwhelmed with joy that when I finally saw him, all smiley and happy and joking with the other guys, basking in the feelings of togetherness, brotherhood and bromance that is emitted off of the 'pack', that I hugged him. Yep. I wrapped my arms around his (recently sustained) burly frame and hugged him like we were good ol' buddies. I don't know why. I've been a bit of an emotional wreck lately and I can't control myself when I'm like this. I cringe thinking back to it.

He awkwardly patted me on the back and I pulled away.

Quil wagged his eyebrows at Jared, who then protectively pulled me under his arm.

"Is that gonna be the new welcome for pups?" Paul asked me, grinning as I blushed.

"I didn't get a hug when I phased," Jacob pouted.

"Me neither," said Embry sadly.

"Yeah, but you're not as hot as me. Girls just can't resist this," Quil grinned and Jared punched him hard in the arm.

"Watch it, you may be a newbie but that doesn't mean you get any special treatment. I will tear you up if you step outta line," he growled but yet somehow managed to keep it light-hearted and jokey. The testosterone flowing around the place was so overwhelming I was afraid that I'd start to grow a moustache or something.

I also felt so tiny next to these five massive guys, but it didn't feel anywhere near as intimidating when I was under Jared's arm. In a way it felt like I belonged there.

Quil shrugged, grinning with a twinkle in his eyes that was even cheekier than the one in Jared's. "Hey man, _she_ hugged_ me_..."

Jared's eyes narrowed at him and they dissolved into some brotherly, affectionate fight. They're very cute. I adore all of the boys. They're so close and connected – even with Quil after such a short time.

It really was so embarrassing that I hugged him, though. I haven't ever spoken to him before in my life. Urgh. Jared's friends probably think I'm such a freak.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, so I know some of you feel like this is dragging, so I think you'll all really enjoy the next chapter! Please share your thoughts on this as I'd really appreaciate it <strong>**:)**

**Thanks again to everyone for reading and sticking with this!**

Sugar-Ice **- Thank you! And thanks for taking the time to review, I'm glad you liked it :) **

Ashley C **-** **Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!  
><strong>


	19. May 27

_May 27_

Dear Diary,

If I have ever moaned about my life then I retract it.

Today is the first day of summer vacation and also my birthday. I have discovered that my life is wonderful, beautiful, magnificent – a hair away from perfect, even. I'm the luckiest girl in this whole freaking world.

Jared – I'm not going to spoil it.

I'm going to calmly explain. Calm. Calm. Calm.

I'm going to go get a big glass of water to cool myself down.

* * *

><p>He surprised me this morning by telling me to grab my walking boots because he was taking me for a walk and a picnic. My heart melted and I couldn't contain my excitement. I was counting it as our first date.<p>

Then a couple hours past and we were still walking, and I was starting to lose that excitement.

Jared, fitter than probably any human on this planet, was so patient. He probably could have climbed up and down there in about ten minutes, but this 'walk' had turned into a 'hike' – a hike that I am not nearly fit enough to accomplish. I wish I had stuck to the diet and got in shape.

He calmly held my hand and helped me up over fallen trees. I think he quite liked the fact that I was acting like a damsel in distress. My mother would be very disappointed. On the other hand, my grandmother would probably pat me on the back for a job well done. She always acts innocent and helpless to get my granddad to do what she wants, and then winks at me whenever he does it. She really is quite a minx, my Granny Anne. I never noticed until just recently.

Zain wasn't being anywhere near as patient though, and I did tell him to eff off once or twice when he barked at me to hurry up.

Jared laughed and kissed my hand. "It's not that much longer, I promise. It's literally just round there."

At that point I didn't trust him at all. I was looking forward to some nice, cute, quaint little picnic. Now I was covered in mud and a little bit clammy. Really sexy. My chances of 'wooing' Jared died long ago but I'd rather not look totally disgusting if I can help it.

"I thought you didn't want me to walk through the woods in case a vampire jumped out from behind the trees and tried to kill me?" I grumbled.

He rolled his eyes. "No, I didn't want you to walk through the woods _alone_."

"A vampire could still jump out from behind the trees," I pointed out, not really seeing the difference.

"Kim, trust me," he laughed. "A vampire is not getting _anywhere_ _near_ you when I'm around." I looked at him. "You're safe with me, I promise. You'll always be safe with me."

I smiled because he's just genuinely so caring. But then my legs nearly gave way and I groaned. Maybe he's not so caring if he's putting me through this. It's probably punishment for not sucking his face off yet. A punishment I agree that I deserve.

"Are you sure you don't want me to carry you the rest of the way?"

I shot him a look and he smiled. "_No_, I do not want you to _carry _me," I muttered.

He laughed. "We're very nearly there, I swear."

"Yeah, but then we have to walk all the way back! I can't believe you're putting me through this on my birthday!"

"It's not that bad."

I tripped over a log and he caught me before I could smash my face into a tree. His rumbling laugh for the first time annoyed me.

"Aww, I'm sorry, Kimmy."

"_Don't call me Kimmy._"

He caught my hand in his again. "I'm sorry, _Kim._"

I ignored him and kept my head down so I wouldn't trip again.

"You know, I've been walking up here since I was twelve," he said, still amused by my low levels of fitness.

"Oh well, whoopdy-do, Jared! Good for you!" I said sarcastically and span around to him, finally looking up from the boring mud. "Sorry we're not all freaking King Kong!" I hit his rock hard stomach for emphasis.

He smiled.

"Stop smiling!" I growled, exasperated.

He didn't.

"Turn around," he said calmly.

"What?"

He laughed and grabbed my shoulders, pushing me backwards a few steps. "Turn. Around," he whispered into my ear and then span me. The breath left my lungs and the agitation left my body instantly.

"Oh."

Jared chuckled as he tied Zain's lead around a tree. He then took my hand, tugging me the rest of the way to the edge of the cliff we were standing on top of.

"Do you understand now why I made you walk up here?" he asked tenderly, laughter in his voice. I nodded, speechless. "Although I had hoped you'd let me carry you…"

You never realise that your home is beautiful. Some people appreciate it but most people don't. It's not until you're pulled away from it or see somewhere different that you truly stop and think 'this place isn't so bad'.

That was never it for me. I'd always go to different places and bask in the beauty of it, wishing I didn't live in stupid old La Push. My cousins live in Canada and I absolutely adore it there. Whenever we visit I'm always overcome with jealousy at how wonderful it is. Some of my other family live in Connecticut and I love it there too. It's just so _different._

It took me sixteen years to realise just how beautiful La Push is, and I probably wouldn't have ever realised if Jared hadn't taken me to the top of that cliff today.

It was breathtaking. The vast expanse of water on one side seemed never ending and to the other side all you could see for miles and miles were beautiful shades of green dancing in the wind under the rare sun.

Jared stood next to me. I turned into him and he stared back down at me.

"It's amazing," I whispered, awe-struck of the beauty that was hiding not so far away from where I've spent my whole life.

He brushed his fingers along my jaw and settled his hand on my neck as the other took hold of my waist and brought me against him.

"I used to come here with my dad… I've always loved it because noone ever came here. It felt like my special place, you know?"

I nodded, my heart pounding loudly in my ears.

"Thank you for bringing me here," I whispered. "Thank you for sharing it with me."

He smiled. "I couldn't imagine sharing it with anyone else."

My heart leapt to my throat at the sincerity in his voice and he bent his head down. I froze and it felt like the world around us slowed. My eyes went to his luscious lips and he slowly leant the rest of the way as I moved up onto my tiptoes.

His soft mouth brushed against mine in the sweetest, gentlest and most tender kiss. I pressed mine back against his, tasting him like I've wished to for weeks. His fingers threaded through my hair as my hands settled on his chest - his warm, hard, beautiful chest that I've been fantasizing over for weeks. I tugged at his t-shirt and pulled him closer, eager for his burning body pressed against mine.

And then it was gone. He pulled back far too quickly and moved a couple steps away, turning his back on me. My lips tingled and I could still feel his against them, but they were gone and suddenly I felt very cold without his warm touch.

I froze again but for a totally different reason than before.

Was I really bad? How do you know if you can kiss well? Was it obvious that that was my first proper kiss? I mean, I kissed Nico Walcott behind the bike shelters when I was like twelve but I don't think that really counted.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out, facing away from me.

"For what?"

I was surprised that I could even speak after that.

"You said you just wanted to be friends. I promised myself I wouldn't do this, I –" he huffed as his chest rose and fell heavily.

"I, umm," I bit my lip and mentally slapped myself to get myself to speak. "I think I've changed my mind…"

There. Done. Easy.

I was mentally dying inside. What if he turned round and was disgusted? What if he laughed in my face? What if he told me to get a grip, and said I was stupid to think I could ever deserve him?

He turned around and I couldn't meet his gaze. He walked back up to me but I kept staring at the dirt on the ground. Not at the massive fall over the edge of the cliff, although falling over that sounded more appealing than having to look up at Jared and face the repercussions of what I just said.

"Say it again," he whispered, tipping my face up with his fingers under my chin. My eyes met his wearily.

"I don't think I can."

He brushed his thumb over my lips. I tried to regulate my breathing but it was impossible. His eyes burned mine with their intensity before they lowered to watch his thumb pass over my mouth. I crumbled under the rather rough but teasing touch.

"Please say it again," he said as he pulled his hand away.

"I want to be more than friends, Jared," I blurted out, my body ablaze with the need to feel his soft but passionate kisses once more and he grinned as he ducked his head down and he pressed his mouth to mine.

I melted into him and his hands pulled me snugly against his body as my own wrapped around his neck. His tongue brushed against my lips and every cell in my body screamed in excitment. His hands moved from my back to waist and hips, tingling my skin and making me crave more of his touch. I ran my hands through his hair and pulled him closer, tugging on the short strands of hair. You know when I told Jared I loved his haircut? I wasn't lying. It's fucking great. He groaned and I moaned as our tongues danced.

He worked his wonderful, delicious magic on me for a while longer and officially turned my insides to jello and brain to goo, but unfortunately he pulled back and pressed his forehead against mine. I tried not to let him hear my heavy breathing, as it would probably be weird and a bit of a turn off but I don't think I achieved much. It was far too good of a kiss for me to breathe normally afterwards.

"That was nice," I said through my panting.

_WHY DID I SAY THAT?_ What possessed me to think that that would be the right thing to say to someone after kissing them? Why would anybody say something like that? How is it that I have the power to ruin the most romantic moment of my life?

Jared laughed and covered my mouth with his again. I told him that he should keep doing that for the rest of my life to stop me from talking and he shook his head at me before kissing me again. Like everything to do with Jared, I quickly grew very accustomed to it. He seemed to just give me little titbits of loveliness and I just get greedy and can't give them up, wanting more and more. I happily kissed him back until he, to my great disappointment, pulled away again and took my hand, taking me back over to where he'd dumped his bag with Zain.

"We have to stop now or else I never will," he said as he pulled out a blanket from his bag and laid it down before sitting down on it, pulling me down too. I didn't understand why we had to stop at all.

Jared offered me a water bottle and I gulped most of it down in one go. I caught the grin on his face as he rooted through his bag.

"Sandwich?" he asked and I shook my head. My stomach was flipping too much for me to even _think _about food.

I grabbed his face and pulled him back down, kissing him somewhat impatiently.

He laughed and rubbed his nose against mine softly when I freed his lips.

"I love you," he whispered.

I froze.

He froze.

Zain wagged his tail.

Jared swallowed, seemingly nervous and embarrassed for the first time in his life. He turned back to his bag and grabbed a sandwich. I sat there for a moment, my brain reeling and my breath struggling to escape. It was too much.

I couldn't handle it. You should be with some for months before you say those three words. But this is _him_.

"Jared?" I whispered. He nodded as he unwrapped it but for once he was the one who couldn't meet my gaze. "I love you too."

He smiled at me, looking at me with his intense eyes, before he tucked into his sandwich.

"However," I went on with a sigh, "I have already came to terms with the fact that I will always come second best to food in your eyes. It's fine. I've dealt with it and I can live with that."

He laughed loudly and then chucked the half eaten sandwich to Zain, who happily gulped it down. He pushed me onto my back and hovered over me.

Jared kissed me softly, and pulled back to smile at me. "I love you so much."

"More than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?" I asked.

He pretended to think about it but then smiled and dropped another tender kiss to my lips. "Yes, Kim, more than _any_ type of sandwich."

"Oh wow. You do like sandwiches rather a lot…"

"You should be very happy then."

I smiled up at him.

"I am."

"So am I," he replied before dipping his head to kiss me again. "Happy birthday, Kim."

I smiled and tried not to cry from happiness as I pulled his face down to mine once more.

I think I love kissing him more than anyone has ever loved kissing anyone before in the history of kissing. I suppose I should probably worry about _why _he was such a good kisser, but when his lips were on mine I didn't have a care in the world. I didn't even care about breathing.

Unfortunately, because he was hovering over me, his intense heat was rolling off in waves, and the sun was blaring down on us, plus there was the general heat from making out, and it was all making me a bit dizzy. I gently pulled away and he moved to sit next to me, breathing as heavily as I was.

"Sorry… I'm sorry," he mumbled.

I shook my head at his apologies. "You're just very hot."

He looked up at me with cheeky eyes then realised that I was a bit too flushed. He passed me another bottle of water. I thanked him and downed it.

"Paul said when he was having sex with Nina that she passed out," Jared said, looking off gravely. He looked back up at me and smiled. "He thought he was just freaking wicked in bed but it turns out she just overheated from his high body temperature. To say he was disappointed is an understatement."

We both laughed and he brushed my hair over my shoulder.

He pecked my lips delicately and rather causiously. "Just shove me off if you get even a little bit too hot."

If he thinks I'm going to interrupt kissing him until it's absolutely necessary then he has another thing coming.

"While you're cooling down," he grinned, "You can open your presents."

I muffled my groan. I had my fingers crossed it wasn't a calculator. If it was then I'd either throw it over the edge of the cliff or attack him with it. With the way I was feeling after that kiss I kind of hoped it was condoms. Okay, I don't mean that.

I think.

"You didn't need to buy me anything," I said and he laughed as he pulled out a large, square, thin object.

"That's very neatly wrapped," I noted. "Your mom did it, didn't she?" I smiled, trying to calm myself down. My heart was still beating ferociously from the first kiss. Our first kiss. The stupid girly happy content sighs have not stopped all day.

He glared at me. "If you're going to be like that then you're not getting it."

I stared at him with raised eyebrows until he rolled his eyes. "Yes, she did. Shut up."

I kissed his cheek as he finally handed it over, thanking him.

It was one of those dog signs you get to hang on fences. On it read '_Beware, vicious dog inside' _and a picture of a beagle snarling.

We both looked over at Zain, who was lying on his back, wiggling around as he tried to nibble at his back feet.

"Very funny," I said, and he grinned and kissed me again, his eyes lingering on my lips. I really was getting _very _used to that.

"That's not your real present."

I gulped as he passed me a small box.

He watched my face intensely as I opened it, becoming speechless for the second time today.

"It's sort of a Quileute heirloom," he replied, somewhat embarrassed now as I fingered the beautiful old tribal necklace. The thread was woven ever so delicately and intricately, the beads were intwined almost gracefully into it and the final feather hanging central was the finishing touch that made it more stunning than any of the silly tacky ones we were taught to make at school. "It's like my great-great-grandmothers or something. They passed it down each generation. It used to be when their oldest son got married but it soon just became whenever they knocked someone up," he grinned. "My family have a history of early pregnancies."

I looked up at him, finally broken from the trance of mesmerization from the necklace.

"Err, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant, Jared."

He laughed loudly. "I should hope not, Kim, or else I'm taking this back." He tenderly pulled the necklace out of the box. "No, I'm just changing the tradition again. I think finding _The One_ is a valid enough reason."

He clasped it around my neck and then pulled my hair out from underneath it. I gently touched it as a lump formed in my throat. He just said it so matter-of-factly, you know? I suppose he is The One. That's a thought that really warms my heart.

I quickly moved forward and flung my arms around his shoulders.

"Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's beautiful. I love it."

Jared held me as tightly as I did him.

"I love you," he said again.

I could definitely get used to that, too.

"Now, I made you a cake but it might have gotten squished..."

I did the sigh again.

_Marry me. _

There is no doubt about it, he is most definitely The One.

"I love you," I whispered and pulled him back to me, kissing him rather forcefully. It was worth the wait.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>There we go, what you've all been waiting for! It's probaby about 18 chapters too late for your liking, but I hope it was worth it for you too because I'm a little bit scared that I've made you wait this long and built it up so much for them to finally get together and have a snog, and it was a dissapointment and you're all just going to gang up and come kill me out of frustration. So err, please don't hesitate to share your thoughts! <strong>

**The neclace was something that I pretty much came up with as I wrote it because I wasn't sure until it came out what the hell he was going to give her. When I was reading more about the Quileutes for information I read that they have a lot of little arts and crafts things (like in the Twilight Saga when Jacob made Bella a dreamcatcher and carved a little wooden wolf for her bracelet and stuff like that) so I thought it would be something sweet and close to their hearts, as one of the things about this is Kim falling in love with her heritage as well as Jared. **

**Also, I read on the Twilight Wiki page that Jared's great-grandmother, Lorraine Huautah, was Ephraim Black's cousin, so I thought it would be nice to bring that in too. I also read on the Twilight Wiki page that Jared's last name is 'Cameron', but for some reason I don't think that suits him. Well, it doesn't suit the Jared that I'm writing him as so for that reason I'm not going to go back and change it. I know that 'Thail' is a very common last name for him on fanfiction but I really like it.**

**Oh, and I got an alert for a 'new chapter' regarding Ch. 16, did anyone else? I'm not sure why because it wasn't the one that didn't get an alert sent out about, and also I didn't change anything and re-upload it, so if you were wondering whether you should go back and read it incase I made some changes, you don't need to :) Sorry if it got your hopes up and you thought it was the new chapter!  
><strong>

Abby 24 - **Haha there you go, I hope it was up to your liking! I'm glad you've liked it so far, thank you for reading and reviewing :) **

Ashley C - **The same goes to you, I hope you like it and I hope the kiss was worth the rather drawn out wait!**

**Thanks again everyone who's reading and reviewing :)  
><strong>


	20. May 28

Dear Diary,

My life doesn't feel real. I've read so many books where they meet the man of their dreams and he's wonderful and he loves the girl unconditionally and I never thought I'd ever get that.

It doesn't feel like this is me and _my_ life. I know everyone gets boyfriends and stuff but it doesn't feel right for Jared to love me. It feels like a dream and one day I'll just wake up and go back to my boring little life without werewolves or soul mates or love.

He's just so lovely. Did you know he texts me every night and every morning? Lucy found out and nearly punched me in the face out of a fit of jealousy. Her boyfriend goes to college and if I'm honest, he's a dick. I shouldn't judge him because I don't know him that well, but he doesn't treat her as well as she deserves. He doesn't come up to La Push to see her unless he's certain he's gonna get laid and he rarely calls her unless there's something in it for him. He's cheated on her twice (well, he's only be caught twice, we don't know what he's doing when he's away) but she keeps going back to him, for reasons that I do not understand. She can do so much better than him, she really can. She acts like a bit of a ditz sometimes but she has a heart of gold and she's so funny, even if it's usually unintentional.

She seems to think she's just lucky that he's even seeing her, because he's older than her. I'd never thought of Lucy as an insecure person, and I've always admired her because of how confident she is, but when you realize that she thinks she's _lucky _to have someone like Austin, then you start to think that maybe she's not.

Jared took me back home yesterday at about three as that was when he promised Mom he'd get me home – well, actually he got me back for quarter to three, so he scored brownie points from her – and then I had to go round my Granny Anne's. She asked about the diary and was actually _so _surprised to find out that I'd stuck to it and was still writing it… I'm not the most dedicated, committed or disciplined person when it comes to things like this (for example, the dieting, which I'm now going to start up again) so she was so happy when she knew I was still doing it, which then made me happy.

When I first started writing this I didn't think I'd have anything to write about and that it would be pointless. I thought that I'd just write in it once a month and be like 'right, so… not much has changed. I bought a new top. It's grey. Like my life'. Now I can't go a week without writing it. I'm _so _glad that I have stuck with it because it's helped so much. I doubt I would have gotten through all of this without a diary to pour all my thoughts into.

I would recommend a diary to anyone who doesn't have someone to speak to about things; it's the second best outlet. Whenever I worry about all the embarrassing things that I've done I write them down and then it feels sort of like all the embarrassment has seeped out into the ink on the page and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Similarly, it gets my thoughts in order with all this supernatural business. It gets my thoughts in order and then it gets my thoughts out and suddenly I'm not a big ball of walking stress, ready to implode at any moment.

While I'm on that line of thought:

I LOVE JARED THAIL SO MUCH AND HE IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY AND I CAN'T BELIEVE HE IS MY FREAKING BOYFRIEND.

Okay. There we go.

See? Now I feel a bit calmer. Just a bit.

When we left my Gran's we went out for a meal and then I got back and the girls all came round to give me cards and a few lovely little presents. Once I told them about our change in relationship status they all screamed and jumped on me like the total girls that we are. They were pretty much as excited as I was and 'it's about time' seemed to be a common thought. My mom didn't seem quite so excited but she'll come around eventually. She didn't object, which is a good sign.

The girls all died at how unbelievably cute the little picnic was too, and of course the necklace. I'm scared to break it but I can't take it off. It's so beautiful. My birthday was so wonderful and cute that when I got home I didn't even know what to do with myself (obviously I wrote the diary because it's the first thing I think of now) but then I sort of just hopped around my room. Well, I put on some music and danced around like an idiot for ten minutes straight to try and get it all out of my system. I fell onto my bed, gasping for breath and realised I need to start doing more exercise, and then I sent Jared a long, mushy text about how he is the most wonderful person in the world and how the day was so wonderful and the necklace is wonderful and he just makes my life so freaking wonderful. And guess what? I don't even regret sounding like such a soppy teenage girl!

He replied, telling me that I was an absolute idiot but that he loved me even more for it. I nearly asked him to marry me again but thought that it might seem a bit too weird. Especially through a text.

Today has been a bit weirder. I went round Jared's for a little while in the morning.

At first for some reason I felt a bit nervous and I wasn't so sure how different things would feel, but I suppose one of the upsides of us being so very close to the boyfriend/girlfriend boundaries is that now we've tipped over the line there's not that much of a change. Now we just touch even more (you probably didn't think that was possible), kiss on lips (thank you, Lord) and we can express our feelings (I still can't help but giggle like an idiot or at least grin when he says those three little words that makes my heart soar).

As soon as I got through his front door today Momma Thail pulled me into another bone-crushing hug, wished me happy birthday for yesterday and then said, "I'm so glad that I can officially welcome you into the family!"

How gorgeously sweet is that? Jared pulled her off, a little bit embarrassed but smiling all the same, and told her off because it wasn't like we were getting married; I'm just his girlfriend after all. I still loved it.

I just love his family so much. Nathan asked me why the hell I'd want to go out with someone like Jared and then they bickered for about half an hour. Jared's little brother is just so delightfully cheeky.

I then went to visit Paul for another one of our study sessions.

"So, I hear you're finally letting Jared stick his tongue down your throat?" he asked as soon as he opened the door, grinning.

Needless to say, I blushed crimson.

"Well, he wants to stick something else there, but I think he's fine with waiting a bit longer after having to wait about two months for any action at all," he laughed.

I died.

Well, actually I just spluttered, had a coughing fit and then tripped over nothing.

He grinned. "Jared is gonna kick my ass for saying that to you."

I ignored him and went through to the living room. I'm getting slightly better with Paul. He still says things like _that _to purposefully embarrass me, but I've been telling him off lately and he seems to like the 'banter'. Although because we have a bit more of a rapport, he seems to take that to mean he can be even cruder.

I don't know why we're even doing these math sessions when it's summer vacation. I said Mr. Meakin probably wouldn't care if we just picked it back up again when we started next year (I was hoping he'd forget all together) but Paul said we should just get it over and done with. Personally I think he's starting to love math and can't bare to give it up.

It's unlikely, but I like to entertain the idea for my own amusement.

Even if the teasing is cruder, it is a lot better than the first time I went, I have to say. His little sister bit me again today but this time it was only on my finger, and she's actually letting me call her Lillian now. And the actually 'tutoring' aspect is okay because Paul's actually really smart; he just doesn't care enough to put any effort in. I told him that and he scoffed.

"Why would I want to spend my life studying like this for every subject?"

He seemed truly disgusted at such a preposterous idea. I stared at him.

"Err, because then you'll get better grades, which means you'd get a better job and you'll have more of a chance to get into a university…"

He shrugged as if it didn't matter. I stress about these things every day and he just shrugs it off! I wish I was as carefree as he seems to be, I worry about every little thing.

"There's no way in hell I'm going to uni anyway," he said.

"Why not?" I asked, perplexed. All I've ever wanted to do is go to a university somewhere far, _far_ away from La Push. I've had the exact one picked out for about five years now.

"Jared did tell you what we are, right?" he asked sarcastically. "Werewolves don't usually spend their time at uni, you know."

I frowned. "Why not? You're not _just _a werewolf."

"We protect the people in La Push. That's what we do. It's what's in our blood – this is our home, why would we want to leave it?"

"Oh. Right."

My head was spinning and my stomach churned.

I couldn't be away from Jared.

And he wasn't ever going to go to university, was he? I'd be hours and hours away from him… I'd only ever be able to see him at weekends, and that thought just doesn't sit well with me. I can't go a day without seeing him, so to last a whole week… and that will be _every_ week till I graduate – it's not just a one off –, and it could be for like four years… it would be torture. We wouldn't be able to last. Also, I hate travelling, so having to go back and forth every weekend would be horrific. I couldn't exactly ask Jared to come up to see me; I know he'd probably do it but it's not fair. What sort of life is that for him? He'd probably have other things that he wants to do as well, so he wouldn't even be able to see me each weekend. It would be every other if we were lucky.

Plus, if I go to the uni that I want to then it's so far away I wouldn't even be able to come down in the space of a weekend as it would take too long to drive!

It's impossible.

"You okay?" Paul asked, frowning at me. I nodded but I wasn't very helpful for the rest of the day. I think he got a bit hacked off with me in the end.

Didn't he understand? This was my life's dream going down the gutter – I know people always think it's stupid when teens say they have a 'lifelong' dream but I've never ever thought that I'd not go to university. It's what pretty much all my family, bar Jason, have done.

I went home and looked at the little leaflets and shit that I had about the one I wanted to go to.

I chucked them in the bin.

It was probably stupid to get upset about this, I know. I mean it is _my _decision not to go. When it's a choice between living without Jared or living without a silly degree then it was obvious which one, wasn't it? Jared was my soul mate, after all. It wasn't like I was throwing it away for any old person. He was going to be in my life forever. Jared pretty much _is_ my life now.

Oh god. If Mom finds out then she is going to absolutely kill me. She's all for woman's rights and how you don't need a man. If she found out I was turning my back on higher education for a guy she would go mental. She already thinks that I'm not taking school as seriously anymore because of him.

It's fine. There are loads of alternatives to uni. I could get an apprenticeship or do an online course. It's fine. I'm sure I can find something. It's not that big of a deal.

You know what, it really isn't a big deal. I'm not even just saying that.

I wanted to get out of La Push because I hated it here. I hated how samey it is, how small it is, how boring it is. I couldn't see myself choosing to live here and staying somewhere so confined. I wanted to get off the rez simply because there's not that much to do here.

But it's not like that anymore. Jared introduced me to my culture, to the beautiful sights in my own back yard and you know what? I love it here. I never cared or wanted to know about anything to do with my heritage and now it's a major part of my life. I'm a living part of something exciting. In generations to come they'll probably talk about Jared and his pack. My own history is more interesting than anything we learn in school. Who cares if the jobs are boring? I've got Jared.

I'm happier now with Jared than I have ever been in my life. Why would I want to jeopardise that happiness by moving to basically the other side of America? And isn't that essentially what people go to uni for? Happiness? You go there to get a good degree to get a good job so you can be happy in a job you like and pay for a nice house you can be happy in and afford to buy the things you want. But I won't find more happiness in a good job, house and material objects than I will in Jared. I could live on the streets, jobless and as long as I have him I'll be happy. I don't need them because Jared has shown me I can find happiness in other things. He is all I need.

I'm happy.

Fuck Yale.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>I forgot to mention last chapter that I have posted most of the pre-written chapters. I still have a few random chapters written from different bits, which are sort of bench marks in the story, but now I'm pretty much writing and then posting. Unfortunately, that means that I won't be posting as frequently but I promise I'll stick to this story and I still enjoy writing it so much so they won't be too far apart. As I can change things about more and add things in, if there's anything that you particularly want to happen then don't be afraid to drop a line. I absolutely love it when people say what they want to see as those types of reviews always give me so much more inspiration and ideas - and motivation to get me to write more so I'll probably update more frequently too.<strong>

**This was quite a thought and feelings based chapter and there wasn't much action, and the next one is similar for about half of it, and then there's something which is just a little bit fun, but then there'll be some over due drama for you :)**

**I want to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter, the response was so great and it really meant so much to me that so many of you took the time to tell me what you thought as I was quite worried about it.**

**Thanks again everyone who's reading, I hope you enjoyed it and didn't find it boring :)  
><strong>


	21. June 18

_June 18_

Dear Diary,

This is the best summer vacation that I have ever had in my life. I worried about not seeing Jared enough but I needn't have fretted. This is the third week in and I have continued to see him every single day.

I usually pick up a few more shifts at the bookshop I work at but luckily Jared volunteered to give me a lift, so I get to see him and I don't have to guilt Jason into doing it. When I eventually have enough money to buy a car and get insurance I don't think I'd even need to get one, I can just use Jared to ferry me around everywhere. I think I might just use the money I've saved to pay for my tuition fees for univers- oh. Never mind. It's just taking a little bit of getting used to to get it into my head that I'm not going anymore.

I was just joking anyway. Of course I'll buy a car. Or I could use that money as a start to pay for somewhere else to live when I graduate! That's actually a really great idea. I can't wait to move out and have my own place. I could even get Jared to move in with me! That would be _really _lovely!

Okay, I need to calm down.

Right. I was talking about spending time with Jared.

He still takes Zain for walks with me and on top of that we spend most of our days together. I've been going out with my other friends a lot too as I'm determined not to ditch them, which I've been slightly guilty of doing previously because my mind was a bit preoccupied with Jared and werewolves and stuff like that. But I'm not going to be one of those girls who just forgets her friends until she needs them, because that's just not me. Well, it may have been me for a couple of weeks... okay, months, but I'm pulling myself together and I'm going to be a good friend. I really want to be a good friend.

I've also gone to see Emily quite a few more times and we're getting so close. She's just really down to earth and, like I've said before, it's so refreshing and calming to be able to talk to someone in the same situation as me. However, I am slightly luckier than her because the shit has totally hit the fan for them.

Leah phased.

And her brother too but more importantly: Leah phased. Which means that she now knows everything and the reasons why Sam did the things that he did. I haven't spoken to her as this only happened the other week, but I can imagine that she's not in a happy place right now. Horrifically, something worse happened that makes you realize just how lucky you are.

Her father passed away. I honestly don't know what I would do if I were her. The guys all find her annoying or something because she's a 'bitch', but come on, you're allowed to be the biggest bitch in the world when you've gone what she's gone through. And having to share a mind with the man you love... listening to his thoughts about his new fianc_é_... I couldn't deal with it, not on top of losing someone so close. She's a far stronger woman than I'll ever be. I want to hate Emily for what she's done to her because it just goes against the girl code, but it's difficult when you know she hates herself for it far more than you ever could.

I'm going to go back to talking about Jared because I'm just going to become a soppy mess again if I carry on thinking about the Leah situation.

For all of the other days Jared and I aren't busy, we either slope around my house, his house, the beach... – or on a few very exciting and momentus occasions, we've gone on a date! We went out for a meal and we went to the movies. We've also been doing a lot more kissing. That takes up a lot of our time spent together nowadays. He's also been saying 'I love you' a few more times. My heart literally stops pumping blood around my body and lungs whenever he says it. My brain can't fathom why the hell he does but I know that I _definitely_ like it when he tells me that.

I love kissing Jared. I think it's my new favorite hobby. I'd do it every day if I could.

We're overcoming the whole heat thing. I just drink a lot of water between kissing and wear minimal and very thin clothing (the less clothing suggestion came from Jared, surprisingly enough). Also, intense making out sessions don't happen under bed covers, as overheating is prone to occur. He sneaked into my room the other night when I was about to fall asleep and so he slinked into my bed. He's done this a few times now and it is literally the loveliest thing. We lay and cuddle and he'll wait till I fall asleep, or we'll stay up late whispering – or on one occasion we started making out and got a bit too into it and I got a bit woozy, so the covers usually have to come off for that particular activity. I wish he could just stay the night properly and not have to sneak around and jump out of the window in the middle of the night, but Mom would never let that happen.

Fortunately though, Jared has gone up in her estimations. He acts lovely and sweet and kind and gentlemanly and she's slowly starting to warm to him. I knew she would. She's super, _super _stressed about work and if she could she'd probably just use that as an excuse to be rude but she can't fault him. He's just a sweetheart. He taught her how to make this herbal, lemony tea or something like that. It's one of his little family recipes, and it supposedly helps calm you down. I think now she secretly loves him as much as I do, because she's gulping that shit down on a daily basis.

Jared's mom would probably let me stay the night because I think she trusts us not to do anything in her house. I don't know why because she's walked in on us kissing enough times. What I don't get is, Jared's a werewolf! Surely he should hear her coming? I told him this and he shook his head.

"It's not that simple," he explained as he traced his thumb over my lips like he did on my birthday. "It's not always like really good hearing or seeing. Because if I listen to everything I can hear then I'd never have a moments peace and quiet, you know? If I want I can hear the sounds of the ants scurrying around on the forest floor, but why the hell would I want to listen to that? You just don't focus on it... You don't understand, do you? Okay, look over there, on my desk."

I did as he said. "Look at the text book."

"I find it rather interesting that you have a text book on your desk when you never do homework," I commented and he gently nipped my jaw with his teeth to get me to shut up. I did.

"What color is it?"

"Blue."

"Now, what does the little writing under the title say?"

I suddenly got where he was going with it and with a bit of squinting I managed to read out the inscription.

"Do you see what I mean? It's nowhere near as difficult for us to do stuff like that, but if you don't focus on it then you don't really take it into account. It's not like a switch and you can turn it on and off, but it's more like you just drown it out and ignore it when you don't concentrate."

I leant against him. "That's so weird," I said. This stuff boggles my brain, but it's so interesting. "Is it different when you're in wolf form?"

"Oh yeah, definitely. Everything is so much more enhanced and vivid. You notice more and you naturally seem to focus on everything. Especially when we're chasing a scent. You notice so much stuff that you wouldn't even dream of. Did you know I have the best eyesight out of the whole pack?"

I looked up at him just as he started smiling. "Anyway, you're to blame for me not hearing my mom come up the stairs."

"_What?_" I exclaimed, startled. "You just said it was because you don't focus!"

"Yeah," he laughed. "And why aren't I focusing? Because I'm focusing on your lips, and your tongue," he started to stroke my lips again and tilted my head up. My breathing caught as I stared at his mouth with longing. "And your delicious scent, and the feel of your body against mine, and your breathing, and the soft little noises you make that drives me insane."

My whole body flushed and it wasn't just from embarrassment – although, don't get me wrong, there is still a lot of an embarrassment. You'd of thought that us being 'official' would make me less embarrassed, but I can sadly inform you that it has made a miniscule difference. At least I can say 'I love you' or 'I want to suck your face off' without me worrying or stumbling over my words, but there is still a faint tint of pink to my cheeks.

He gripped the side of my face, almost swallowing my head up in his big hands, and pulled me firmly against him, his lips caressing mine with a burning desire that I fully reciprocated as I rolled on top of him.

That's another tip for anyone wanting to get it on with a werewolf. While being underneath and having his body hovering over you is wonderful, you get hotter that way. His body is so big that I'm sort of cocooned under his warm chest, which I love, but it's just easier if I'm on top.

However, making out has not progressed past light touching over clothes, because I am a complete wimpy douche. I know for sure he definitely wants to take it further, but as previously mentioned, I'm a bit of a prude. It's not like he pressures me or anything, he's actually been really good and patient, but I know he wants to do more, which is why me being on top is also better for when I need to break it off before we go too far, because he's not that focused on stoppping. I guess considering his past girlfriends he's probably not used to having to wait a while. I felt bad but then I realised I shouldn't. We haven't been going out long and I shouldn't feel like I have to do anything else. Even though I really want to, I don't think we should so early on. Or is that rather old fashioned of me? I think sex should mean something. I think that you should be totally relaxed and comfortable with that person because you're sharing yourself with them in the most intimate of ways. I don't think there are that many people now who think you should only have sex with someone when you're in love with them.

It's not that I don't think I'm in love with Jared, because I am, but if I'm still a bit nervous and worried then surely I'm not ready, am I? Lucy said she doesn't know what I'm waiting for and that if she were me she would have fucked his brains out ages ago. And it's not like I don't want to, because I do. Jared is gorgeous and sexy and tempting but three weeks is just not long enough for me.

That's not to say that we don't get very caught up during making out. It tends to happen a lot. Like, on a daily basis. I just can't get enough of him.

Yesterday was just another one of those days. Unfortunately – or fortunately, I'm not sure – Paul broke us up.

"Dude, seriously, I'm right here," he said. Jared just grinned. I blushed, obviously.

"I don't even know why I hang out with you any more," Paul said as Joan entered through the front door.

"Oh, _Paul!_ It's so good to see you again!" She smiled that warm 'Thail' smile. "You haven't been round in ages! How are you? Are you hungry? I bet you're hungry. I'll go fix you something up."

She disappeared and Paul turned back to Jared.

"I remember why I come here again; your mom's hot."

Jared pulled the most hilariously revolted face I have ever seen. "Paul, that's fucking disgusting!" he roared and pulled away from me to jump on Paul. "I can't believe you just said that – that's my mom, you fucking pervert!"

Paul shoved him off and stood up, grinning.

"Don't hit him, Jared," I said, pulling him back.

Jared turned to me. "That's my mom!" he repeated, exasperated.

I pulled him back onto the couch as he looked at Paul in disgust.

"Get out of my house and away from my mom."

Paul smirked at him and kept his feet firmly planted on the floor.

"Paul's the sort that likes to be dominated in a relationship," I explained. "It makes sense that he'd be attracted to an independent, commanding, older woman. That's why he's always so aggressive. He's not being properly fulfilled by girls his own age. He goes through so many but none of them are old or strong enough."

Paul was the one who looked disgusted now, although Jared did mention something about being sick.

"If Jared weren't so freaking obsessed with you, you'd be dead by now," Paul said, glaring at me. "He thinks you're so cute and innocent, but I'm on to you, Conweller."

"Paul?" Joan called from the kitchen.

"Coming!" he called back happily and hopped off after her.

I tried not to giggle while Jared still shuddered at the thought of anyone thinking of his mom like that.

I have recently discovered that the best way to deal with Paul is to tease him as much as he teases me. It's really rather fun.

"Do you two want anything?" Joan asked, sticking her head round the door.

"Oh, remembered your own son now, have you?" Jared asked and she rolled her eyes and smiled at me in that 'what's he like?' way.

"No than–" I started but Jared cut me off.

"Yes please, we'll both have the same as whatever Paul's having if that's okay, Mom."

I turned to him and sighed as Joan smiled and went back into the kitchen.

"Jared…"

He shook his head. "No, Kim. You haven't eaten today."

I was stupid enough to have revealed the previous week that I was trying to diet – I know I mentioned it earlier and didn't stick to it; but this is different. I've actually been quite good lately. Then when we were at Emily's she offered me a cupcake while the 'pack' were sitting around her table, eating, and I declined. For some reason mentioned I was trying to be healthy, which was such a mistake.

The boys didn't understand. They seem to think that it's torture and now they all believe that I'm the masochist of the group.

"Why don't you want to eat?" Quil asked, frowning as he stuffed his face.

"It's not that I'm not eating, I'm just not eating particularly unhealthy things all the time."

"Why?" Jared asked, wrinkling his nose up like all the others.

"You don't think you're fat, do you?" Paul asked in a very fed up tone.

"No, I just –"

"You're not fat!" Jared protested.

"I didn't say I was, I –"

"She's such a total girl," Paul grumbled.

"I didn't even –"

"You're not fat, Kim," Embry said softly.

"But I wasn't –"

"You're not. You can't starve yourself. Please eat something," Jared said and I banged my head against the table.

"Fine," I relented and ate the freaking cupcake. I honestly wasn't even hungry!

And that has been the case for every time since then that I have not stuffed my face in front of him.

"Actually, yes I have," I tried to explain to him yesterday, but to no avail. "I had breakfast just before I left. I'm not hungry, Jared."

He frowned and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me onto his lap. "Don't care."

"But I –"

"Don't care."

"I'm just –"

"Don't care."

I hit his chest and he laughed, pulling my head in so he could kiss my forehead. "You're such a child, Jared," I said.

"Don't care," he replied again, grinning and I glared.

"And so very annoying."

"Aww, baby! You don't mean that!"

I shook my head at him just as Joan came in. He kissed me softly.

He's lovely and caring and everything, but I can't help but feel sometimes that it's too much. It's not that I don't want him to care about me, because that's so nice, but I don't want him to fuss over me or mother me, I'd rather we were equals in this relationship, you know? I don't want him to care _for _me. I know it sounds pathetic to pick at things like that but... it's just weird. Oh god. It does sound stupid. When you put this into perspective what Leah Clearwater is going through... I just sound like a dick. But this relationship sort of happened so quickly. We went from not talking that much, to him finding out I was his soul mate. It happened rather suddenly instead of it being gradual and I think I'm only just really noticing that.

"Seeing Paul reminded me, you need to go and get some clothes," Joan said. Jared groaned. "You lot can't keep running around in cut off jeans because nothing else fits you. You look like hobos. Maurine at the shop was trying to give me discount on groceries because she saw you and thought we couldn't afford new clothes!"

"But long jeans get so hot," he moaned, looking up at her with the look in his eyes that he knows will make her fold. He is _such _a mommy's boy. "And short clothes are so much easier for phasing..."

"I don't care," she replied, and his eyes narrowed in dissapointment. "You can't carry on like that forever. Go this weekend."

He groaned and she sighed, looking at me. "Would you go with him and make sure he actually buys something?"

I smiled and agreed as Jared groaned and glared at me. Paul chortled at him.

"Paul, you can come too!" I said and his smile fell.

"What?" he replied dryly.

"Oh, that's a great idea!" Joan said.

"Nah, I'm alright, thanks."

"No, no, you should go and get some clothes that actually fit you. I'm gonna call Linda and make sure you go," Joan said with a tone of true mother's efficiency in her voice as she walked out the room.

Paul dropped back down on the sofa. "I hate you," he said to me and I slapped my hand over my heart.

"Me too," Jared said and I slapped my other hand over my heart, my mouth hanging open.

"What did I do?"

Their eyes narrowed and I leant into Jared, smiling as I pressed my face against his neck.

"This is only fair compared to all of the times you lot have been horrible and teased me..."

Jared pushed me away and they were both glaring, about to say something but I spoke before they got the chance.

"Aren't you forgetting the food?" I said quickly and their minds were completely wiped.

"Oh yeah," they both vanished to the kitchen.

Easy.

Do you know what else is easy? Winding them up when you're shopping. I wasted no time once the idea of taking them had gotten into my mind and got Jared to drive us up to Port Angeles today.

"Try on this. And this. And this. Oh and this," I said happily, chucking items of clothing into their (unwilling) awaiting arms. "I'm not sure what size you are so just take a couple different sizes of that."

I tried to be prepared and measure them before we left but… it didn't turn out how I planned, shall we say. I managed to measure Jared's waist, but he and Paul seemed to find it _hilarious _when I knelt in front of him with a tape measure to measure his _leg_. It's hilarious, apparently.

They get awfully crude when they're together sometimes. I blushed so hard it looked like they'd been strangling me with the tape measure.

Well, it's their own fault now. They'll just have to try on loads of sizes until they find something that fits them. I was just trying to make things easier, they're the ones who didn't want to go shopping. After that mortifying moment I decided to take complete enjoyment out of the rest of the day at their expense.

"And this, this, and this. Ooh, and that!"

Jared and Paul traipsed behind me with glum faces. It was rather entertaining. I love shopping, but using it as a form of torture is a whole new fun experience for me.

"Aww, Jared! Wear this!" I cooed, turning to him.

He glared at me. "It's pink."

"Yeah," I said, smiling and pushing into his hands. He put it back on the rack.

"No. It's pink."

"There's nothing wrong with wearing pink."

He glared at me.

"Everyone knows guys who are worried about wearing pink aren't comfortable with their sexuality," I said, crossing my arms. My step-sister used to tell Jason that all the time. Then he wore pink and his friends made fun of him. Lydia adores making fun of Jason as much as I do. Although he's nowhere near as mean to her as he is to me.

Paul and Jared shared a look. They both looked at it, debating whether they should go for it. If one of them did, then the other could look like they're secretly hiding some homosexual feelings. But then if they go for it, the other one might make fun of them for wanting to wear a pink shirt. Personally I have no idea why they're bothered. Noone cares anymore, but unfortunatly La Push are a little behind on the times. 'Metrosexual' just isn't a word in the Quileute vocabulary. 'Werewolves' and 'hunting vampires' are instead.

They shared another look.

It was a very tense moment.

I know it was cruel of me to tease them on this but it's pay back for the earlier jokes.

"I'm not wearing pink," they both said quickly in sync, sighing in relief that the other said the same. I cracked up.

"It'll clash with our skin tone," Jared said. Paul nodded.

"There's nothing wrong with wearing pink," I repeated but couldn't hold down the laughter. Now the tense worry had left them, they were back to glaring at me.

"Can we just hurry this shit up?"

"Yeah," Jared agreed. "This is third shop we've been in."

He's such a silly, naïve boy sometimes. He thinks _three _is a lot?

"Come on," I responded, smiling. They had a long day ahead of them. "You need to try those on."

I learnt in the second shop that if I don't wait outside and make them show me, then they just stand in there, talking, and come out later to tell me nothing fits.

Sneaky little shits.

They both grumbled but did as I said.

"Oh, this is ridiculous," Paul said as he pulled back the curtain for the fifth top he was trying on. I tried not to roll around on the floor.

"I think it's a bit too small," I commented, muffling my laughter.

"You think?" he scoffed sarcastically. It came up to belly button. I knew that one would be too short but this was hilarious, far more so than I'd anticipated.

A sales assistant walked past and gave him and his six pack a suggestive glance. She obviously thought he was a lot older than he was.

He gave her his best 'sexy eyes' and she returned them.

"Your boyfriend would love that!" I said, tugging at the hem of his t-shirt. "You know navy is Mark's favorite color."

She quickly disappeared around the corner. Paul's head turned to me slowly, angrily.

"_Why. The. Fuck. Did you just say that?"_

I laughed as he glared. I knew he didn't mean it really. I know it seems when you write it down that we've gotten worse and he hates me, but I feel like it's actually the opposite. I think deep down he likes me, even if it's just for Jared's sake. When Jared was off pretending to try something on in the first shop someone bumped into me and Paul nearly ripped his head off for potentially hurting me. What a cutie.

"Jared, will you kindly get your girlfriend to fuck off?"

Well, 'cute' isn't the right word for it.

Jared emerged from the stall next to him, and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"Shut the hell up and leave her alone," he said and Paul huffed. I grinned at him as I leaned into Jared's side.

I still get giddy when I'm referred to as his girlfriend. It's a very nice feeling.

"She totally would have fucked me if it weren't for _her!" _

"She was in her thirties," I said. "You're seventeen."

He looked at me. "And?"

I turned to Jared. "Told you I was right about the older woman theory."

Paul hit me with a t-shirt and I smiled at him. He's really not that scary at all once you get to know him.

"Anyway," I pulled away from Jared and looked at the jeans. "Turn around?"

He did so and I held in the happy sigh that threatened to escape. Have I mentioned that Jared has a great ass? And I love his thighs. They're so sculpted and manly.

"Get the jeans," I croaked.

"Why is it," Paul asked, leaning against the stall wall, crossing his arms, "That girls don't like it when we stare at your tits, but it's fine when it's the other way round? Hmm?" Jared turned back around, looking confused but pleasantly intrigued. "She was totally checking out your ass, man." Jared grinned proudly.

"I do have rather amazing buttocks," he said, and we both ignored him.

"There's a difference, Paul," I said as my cheeks flushed at being caught. I had no clue how I was gonna get myself out of that one. "Err... there's a difference between staring and a subtle look of appreciation."

"No there's not!" he protested.

"Yes there is. I didn't stand their gaping, it was just a quick sweeping glance." I was totally bullshitting it.

He rolled his eyes at me as Jared pulled me into him, still grinning.

"I know I'm hot, Kim, but please, not in the middle of a store."

"See? He'd never of known before. Now you've inflated his ego."

He nodded at Paul, grinning the same cheeky look then kissed me.

Someone else walked past and I blushed like always when I remember we're in puplic. I said before that I get caught up in Jared rather easily and it's even more embarrassing now that the PDA has progressed to kissing too.

Jared kissed my nose. "I'm gonna go change. Don't peek. Well, you can if you want."

I crossed my arms and looked away, my cheeks heating up to an even darker shade of red. They both laughed and Jared leaned in to kiss me.

I shook my head and pulled away as Paul pulled the curtain back across, making gagging sounds as Jared tried to pull me into him.

"Come on, Kimmy, please don't be like that." I shook my head again and my thin hair whipped him in the face as he pulled me against his chest.

"It's just so fun," he explained as he kissed my forehead, but I moved back again.

"Fun to make my life hell?"

He laughed, his hands settling on my hips.

"You don't mean that," he told me, smiling as he pulled me closer.

I nodded but let him press his lips to mine.

Paul opened the curtain across again. "Seriously, _get a room. _It's disgusting – an embarrassment to have to be seen around you two."

"How about a changing room cubicle?" Jared offered as he started to pull me into his. I slapped his hands away and, with a pout, he retreated by himself as I told Paul which tops to buy. Sometimes they act just like children.

"I thought nerds didn't like to shop?" he grumbled.

Now I remember more of what he says still, ignore what I said about being closer to Paul. He's still a douche.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>Okay this is a killer long chapter, so I hope you liked it and didn't find it too boring. There's a little bit of action in the next one, this was more to just show how their relationship has changed now that they're together.<strong>

**As always, a massive thank you to those who are sticking with this and reading, and especially to those favouriting or taking the time to write reviews, because I really appreciate feedback. **

**There might be a few more errors in here than usual because it's getting late and I don't have the energy to read through it one more time, but I really wanted to get the next chapter up rather than waiting till tomorrow because I'm too busy, so I'm sorry if it's noticeably worse :)  
><strong>

Abby 24** - Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it :)**

Sammy** - Aah, thank you for being so insanely lovely! Your review made my day!  
><strong>


	22. July 6

_July 6_

Dear Diary,

I'm a bitch. Mom always taught me not to bitch or get into confrontations and that if I don't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say it at all. I like to think that I've kept to that for the most part of my life. I didn't really think I was a bitch.

It turns out I was wrong.

I am the biggest, meanest, bitchiest person in the world wide world for a completely different reason. When my friends argue I'm always the 'sitting on the fence' person of the group. I know that a lot of people find that annoying and prefer people who speak their mind, but I've just never been that person. I'm always just too conscious of hurting someone or what they'll think.

But then when it comes down to it, I hurt people anyway. Because I'm a coward. It's not 'being nice', it's being afraid. I don't even have the guts to speak my mind in an argument, so how am I meant to be the soul mate of a werewolf and support him?_!_

Let's start from the beginning.

This doesn't have anything to do with arguments. Unfortunately, it's about the 'supporting a werewolf soul mate' bit.

I've been harassing Jared to show me his wolf form for ages now and today he finally – after a lot of begging and compromising – agreed to share that side of himself with me.

He held my hand tightly in his as we walked into the shelter of the forest. His had was surprisingly a bit sweaty.

"Remember, you have to stay away until I've phased and when I move to change back to human form you have to make sure you're at least ten feet away, okay?" he said, staring back at me as he pulled me behind him through the woods, somehow knowing where he was going. It all just looked the same to me.

I nodded and smiled.

"Yes, Jared."

"Don't get too close until I've finished, right?"

I nodded again and shook my head at his worrying.

"Yes, Jared."

Once we got to an opening in the trees he kissed my head and squeezed my hands.

"Are you sure you want this?"

"_Yes, Jared!_"

He took a deep breath and took a step back.

He then started to unbutton his pants.

"_Woah!_ What the _hell_ are you doing?" I squeaked, covering my eyes with my hands.

He laughed and raised his eyebrows at me as I peeked through them. "I've gotta take them off to phase, haven't I? If not they'll rip to pieces. Unless you want me to walk back naked?"

I swallowed nervously and fropped my hands. "I, umm, imagine that would be… err, _problematic_ if anyone were to encounter you, ah, walking through the woods_ au naturel_…"

"Can I carry on then?" he asked, his cheeky grin overtaking the worried look that had settled on his features since he agreed to this.

I nodded. He then took his pants off. I love his legs. They're so thick and manly. I told you that in the last entry, didn't I?

Who cares? They're so nice.

"Could you hold these for me please?" he asked and once again I nodded. He then placed them in my arm and proceeded to pull his boxers off too. I automatically covered my eyes with my spare hand again to give him some privacy – even though he probably didn't want it, he's a cocky little shit sometimes – but mostly it was so I wouldn't get too embarrassed. He laughed and placed his boxers on top of the jeans in my hands. I didn't look at them.

I swallowed again and cleared my throat. He took a few steps away from me. I peeked through and did a little happy sigh. He really does a very good bum. I've never seen it bare before and it was even better than I'd imagined.

He turned back around and took a deep breath, his body starting to shake.

His body hunched and contorted. Thick brown fur erupted from within him. Four paws fell to the ground where there were previously two feet and his body grew to an enormous size. A wolf, gigantic but yet it held such beauty that you couldn't imagine him being something conditioned to hunt and protect.

The breath left my lungs and I stepped forward, eager to touch the soft, silky, short brown fur.

It was magnificent.

A beautiful, mythical creature.

But then it's large head turned to me and my eyes met Jared's.

Not a wolf's eyes, not a mythical creature's eyes. Jared's.

My Jared's.

I dropped the clothes.

It seems silly that _that_ would be the thing that would click it all into place. It wasn't even that I just watched his body form into the shape of another being; it was that it was _him, _still. My Jared. A werewolf. The fur was attached to _his_ skin. Those paws were _his_ feet. He was in that – or rather, he _was _that. It was him. Of course it was him, no other thing could ever be so beautiful.

I'd always said that if I saw him phase it would help it sink it. And it did. I could feel it sinking in. And it happened so quickly, that I panicked. My mind finally made the link between werewolf and Jared, and suddenly the impossible and reality seemed to have swapped sides.

He was it, the atoms that had once made up his human form now created the body of this huge wolf and I didn't understand it. Atoms can't just change. Well, technically they can through nuclear fusion but that's not – _why the hell am I thinking about nuclear fusion?_!

See? This is what happened. My mind was just a whirlwind of confusing and absurd thoughts.

He shouldn't be able to do that – he shouldn't be able to live through that! The pain of your insides turning into the insides of another animal must be horrific. But how does it even happen? How can it physically work without him dying? Does his heart change, too? Surely having your arms form paws would hurt. Growing to that size is insane, you don't just _grow _that much without being in so much pain_. _How does it even work? The molecules and fibres of your body can't just change on will. It's not fucking possible! And it all happened so quickly!

I didn't want it to be real. I liked pretending that I believed it, even though I didn't truly think it was real.

But now I knew.

It was real.

This was all so fucking real.

I didn't want it to be real.

I wanted the thoughts out of my head and I just wanted to get away so I could clear my mind.

And thats why I then did the worst thing I've ever done. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I've had some embarrassing moments before, but I've never been so ashamed to admit something in my life. I still now can't come up with an excuse as to why I did it. There was no excuse. I was a coward.

I'm not brave enough. I don't deserve this, I know. I don't deserve Jared. I said before that I'm not strong enough for this and I'm not.

I wasn't scared of him. I've never ever been scared of him and what he is and I know I never will. There was nothing but the same love and tender affection in his eyes as when he's… normal, but I couldn't take it. You brain just doesn't want to accept that a human body can transform into an animal. It doesn't make sense.

I was confused.

And I panicked.

And then I ran.

I legged it home and I didn't look back.

And I will never, ever forgive myself.

Kim Conweller,

Grade A Bitch and winner of the _Offical Worst Imprintee_ award.

* * *

><p><strong>Right, so you're all probably hating me and hating Kim right now, but I think with everything happening she's entitled for a bit of a freak out. Although unfortunarely, yes, Jared will be a bit heart broken at the sight of his soul mate running away from him and what he is, but I promise it will all be explained in the next chapter! I have done this for a reason!<strong>

**I'm sorry to say that the next chapter won't be up for a while. I have to make quite a few changes to it and I'm on a 4 day walking/camping expedition at the weekend so there'll be no wifi for me! **

**Please keep all the lovely feedback coming! I adore getting your reviews and they're all so helpful. You keep me going and remind me to work on this and get it posted, as well as to improve this, so thank you everyone whose reading and reviewing :)**

To the unnamed reviewer – from your review I assume it's Sammy - **Thank you again! It was another lovely review, which again considerably cheered me up!**

Ashley C – **Yeah, I think you've definitely hit the nail on the head there. He will get better though and eventually accept their friendship :) Thanks again for reading and reviewing!  
><strong>


	23. July 8

_July 8_

Dear Diary,

Oh boy, is it good to have you back in my hands.

I really need to stop talking to this diary like it's a real thing...

Anyway, you have been under the care of someone else for the past day and a half.

Yes, that's right, your pages were vulnerable to the critical eyes of another person, and I'm so very sorry to have put you through that yet again. I know I promised not to share you with anyone, but there was no other way.

Let me explain.

I got home after I was a stupid idiot and ran away from Jared, and I was a wreck. My hands were shaking, I couldn't breathe and my heart was pumping a mile a minute, but it wasn't because of the 'wolf' thing, it was because I was so scared about what I'd just done to him.

Jared would never speak to me again, of that I was sure. He was worried about showing me his wolf form from the very beginning and I was the one who begged him to do it. His actual words were, "You're innocent and vulnerable and I don't want to ruin that, it was hard enough to tell you that but for you to actually _see _me... I'm a... _werewolf. _We're so different that it's insane."

So what did I do? I fucking ran away like a stupid little vulnerable child.

He was afraid of showing me that side of him and I'd been badgering him to do it for ages and when he finally gives in, I just throw it back at him. I do exactly what he's scared that I'd do. He opened up to me and trusted me and I might as well have kicked him in the balls as repayment.

I didn't know what to do; I couldn't handle the guilt. There was no actual explanation for why I did what I did and I couldn't stand him thinking that I did it because I was scared of him, because I wasn't in any way, shape or form. I love him unconditionally – furry side and all. Nothing could ever change that, but I knew he wouldn't believe it anymore.

I came home and I didn't have a clue what to do. I wrote the diary entry and then just realised what an absolute dick I'd been. Eventually, I sucked it up and went round his house. I couldn't leave it unsettled and I couldn't leave him thinking what I knew he was. I had a lot of grovelling to do.

On the way there I was nervous beyond belief at what he was going to say to me. It would be understandable if he told me to fuck off and then never spoke to me again. But I had to go see him. I had to settle it.

"Is Jared here?" I asked Joan once she answered the door.

She knew.

I could tell she knew what I did because she didn't look me in the eyes the same as she used to, so I knew that Jared was as upset as I feared.

"Please, I –"

No other words came out. There was nothing that I could say. What is there that I could say which would make her want to let me go see her son? She thought, like Jared, that I was all sweet and nice and harmless but I'm just not.

She smiled softly, but yet sadly, and stepped aside so I could come in, because Joan wouldn't turn me away. She'll give me a second chance because she's kind and accepting.

_Accepting. _

"He's upstairs, in his room."

"Thank you," I whispered, quickly racing up the stairs.

I gently knocked on the door, my eagerness to see him taking over the panic and worry. If I wasn't so hell-bent on trying to set this straight, I'd worry too much to even step inside the room, but I couldn't stand the thought of him being sad. And I definitely couldn't stand the thought that he was sad because of _me. _I was supposed to be the one who made him happy, wasn't I?

"Come in," he said in a toneless voice. I opened the door and stepped in, taking a deep breath to start a massive spiel about how much I love him, how I was an idiot and how I don't deserve him.

However, instead I swallowed and licked my lips and rubbed my sweaty hands against my jeans.

He didn't turn to look at me. He just kept tidying his room.

Jared doesn't tidy his room.

I suddenly didn't know what to say. The speech that I prepared on the long walk over vanished from my brain.

"Jared –" I started, still a bit out of breath from nearly running most of the way rhere.

"It's fine," he replied tightly.

"No. No, it's not," I said, stepping forward but too afraid to reach out and touch him. "Jared… I'm _so _sorry."

He turned and walked past me, putting something on his bed, his face hard.

"I told you, it's fine. It doesn't matter," he said quietly, looking at the floor, shrugging his shoulders mechanically.

"Yes it does!" I pulled on his arm to get him to look at me. His eyes met mine but they were guarded.

"Jared, I'm sorry," I breathed. "I don't know why the hell I did that. I'll never forgive myself, I… I'm just so sorry. You have to know that I really am sorry."

His eyes flickered away to the ground and around my head, not staying on my face.

I couldn't stand it. I wanted him to tell me how cruel and selfish and unfair I was. But he didn't. Because he's Jared. And he'd never do something like this to me. He's strong and considerate and he's so much nicer than I am. When he found out he was a werewolf did he run off, scared of what it meant? No, he didn't. He accepted it, dealt with it, and got on with his life, smiling and joking like he always does.

I'm not strong or brave. I'm just a mediocre girl who lives on the rez. I'm not a werewolf or something extraordinary – Jared was right; we are completely the opposite. I didn't belong in this world and my body and brain knew that. My heart was what was having problems dealing with that. My heart wanted Jared and it wanted everything to do with him.

"I told you," he said, blinking quickly, his voice grave. "I told you that's what would happen and you –"

I pressed my lips together to stop them from wobbling.

"I told you I was a fucking monster," he whispered angrily and moved away, chucking whatever it was he had in his hand at the wall, smashing it into a million pieces and denting the wall.

I pulled at his arm again but he wouldn't look at me. His jaw was clenched and he was breathing carefully.

"Don't – please don't say that, Jared. You're not in the slightest."

I know that he probably wanted anything but to touch me, but I couldn't take it. I wrapped my arms around his stomach and hugged him as hard as I could.

I love hugs. I think they're the best. They can make your day feel so completely different. Michele hugged me the other day, just randomly, and it makes you happy. It's just the physical closeness of having another human being pressed against you, knowing that they care for you.

Although me hugging Jared probably just made him even angrier...

I knew he wasn't really angry, though. He was just upset and it's easier for him and his friends to be angry than upset. The guys don't like to show 'weakness'. It's like Paul and how he thinks it's a weakness to show love for someone. He doesn't want to like me or be my friend and he doesn't want to fall in love with a girl and trust her. It's just easier to pretend you don't care than to show you care and get it thrown back in your face.

Jared wasn't like that. He wasn't scared to show he cared. The boys poked fun of him for it sometimes but he didn't care, because he trusted me not to throw it back in his face. Yet that's exactly what I did. I was the person who, above everyone else, shouldn't have done that.

"I'm so sorry. That's not why I ran – you have to know that. I ran because I'm an idiot, I did it because it was real and I didn't want it to be real."

I sighed. "I know that's a shitty excuse, and you probably hate me right now, but that's why. This has been so hard to try and make sense of that I just sort of gave up trying, and then it all… fell into place and I panicked. I don't want to believe in vampires and werewolves because – because it's insane. This is_ insane_. It's not physically possible, but yet you do it and it was you and you were it. It just – I don't understand _how. _And I don't like not knowing things, you know? I like things nice and orderly and simple and that's sort of how my life has always been and I can always sort things out and I always know what's what and now there's this and it's just so freaking different and it's confusing and it doesn't make sense and I can't control it." I took a deep breath before I carried on with my long rambling spiel, trying to speak so quickly that I wouldn't have the chance to cry.

"I know that sounds stupid because you had to go through all of this and more, and you didn't freak out like an idiot like I did and you're always so calm and you've never ever been anything but lovely to me and I don't even have to go through a fraction of what you do, but it was just really… really strange," I finished lamely.

He sighed and finally wrapped his arms around me. He leant his head on top of mine gently.

"Are you – are you scared of me?" he whispered tentatively.

"Don't be daft!" I exclaimed, hitting his chest. "I could never _ever _be scared of you, Jared."

He pulled me closer. "Are you… revolted at the thought of touching me? Knowing what I am?"

I pulled away, the both of us blinking back tears. "Of course not! Don't even think that for one moment! Please, Jared, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did what I did – I just panicked and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. I promise you it wasn't because I was scared of you or revolted or anything like that. Far from it, in fact! You're _so_ beautiful and _so_ magnificent but I just didn't get how it happened."

He sighed again and stroked my cheek with his thumb. "Your skin is so soft, did you know that?"

"Err…" I was a bit confused at the change of subject but it was a nice break from the heavy stuff so I wasn't going to question it.

"It's like touching silk. I can't get enough of it."

He bent down and gently brushed his lips over my cheekbone. "Everything about you is so soft." He gently squeezed my hip as his hands ran around my body, settling at my lower back.

"Yeah, I'm soft in the head and a bit fat."

He laughed loudly and it relaxed my ferociously beating heart.

"Aww, come on, Kim, don't be so hard on yourself. I told you before, you're not fat."

I laughed and poked his stomach – which wasn't nearly as soft as mine is. It's rather like poking bone, but you know it's actually muscle.

He pressed his forehead to mine. "I thought you weren't going to come back," he whispered ever so quietly. "And then I'd never get to touch your silk-like skin, or watch you blush a frightening shade of red, or listen to your beautifully dorky laugh, or hear all the wonderful little things you blurt out when you're nervous."

I placed both hands on either side of his rather large head as I brought his face down to look at me.

"You're unfortunately going to have to put up with that a little bit longer."

"Promise?"

I nodded and leant up onto my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his. "I promise. And I promise never to be as selfish or stupid or cruel ever again. Least of all to you."

"Don't speak about yourself like that, Kim. Any sane person would freak out at the sight of someone turning into an animal. I guess I'm just a bit touchy on that subject, especially when it comes to you," he said and I took his hand, taking a deep breath, and led him over to his bed. I sat down next to him and took a few minutes to psych myself up to it.

"You showed me a part of yourself that you didn't want to and you trusted me and I broke that trust," I started. He went to say something but I shook my head, cutting him off.

"You trusted me and I shoved it back in your face. You didn't want to phase in front of me and then I proved your reasons and worries correct, and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life. I failed you, essentially. So now… now I'm going to share a part of me with you that I don't want to and that I'm scared about, and you can shove it back in my face." He frowned at me as I rummaged through my bag. "I'm trusting you with my diary. It's yours, on loan, to read. You can make fun of me all you want for being an absolute idiot."

I pulled out my little navy diary and held it tightly in my hands. It was now or never.

"Here, take it," I said, shoving it at him before I changed my mind.

"Kim, don't be silly," he said, pushing it back at me, to my astonishment. "If you don't want me to read it then I'm not going to."

"No, no. I want you to. I want you to know that I love you and that I'm not scared of you or disgusted by your touch…" He was actually gonna find out the opposite, and that I frequently fantasise over his great body and touch, so I suppose it would put those doubts firmly to rest.

He's was gonna go running for the hills after just the second entry. I sound so obsessive in this.

But it was the only way. He had to know how I felt because I couldn't live with him not knowing and thinking why I ran was anything to do with him. It wasn't _him; _it was this world. What else is out there, if the kindest and loveliest guy I know turns into a werewolf?

I don't like the term werewolf. It doesn't seem to suit him. Like I said before, he's so beautiful and magnificent, and that's not what you think of when you hear the term 'werewolf'. You think of a screaming person, howling at the moon as their body goes through a long and painful transformation. Jared's seemed somewhat effortless and fluid. You think of a werewolf as some rampant animal on the hunt to find and attack whatever it can get it's claws into. But it was just Jared, my lovely big softy.

"Kim, I know you don't want me to read it. You said quite clearly that you never ever wanted me anywhere near it. I'm not going to take it just because you feel guilty."

"Well, I changed my mind, Jared. Please, I need you to read it. I won't regret it."

He sighed but plucked it from my hands tenderly. I thought it would take a little more persuading but I knew he was really intrigued to read it. His curiosity seemed to have out weighed his worries to make sure I was absolutely certain, which was lucky because I definitely was not absolutely certain.

It looked so small and out of place in his big hands.

It was my diary. My precious little diary, of which I spilled all my thoughts, feelings, dreams and memories into. I was petrified, to say the least. But if he turned around and said 'You're a freak, leave me alone', then it's only fair, isn't it? We both shared ourselves with each other and now we're completely open.

I kissed his cheek and then leant back as his large fingers stroked the spine. I shivered like he was touching my spine… there are _so _many embarrassing thoughts in this…

"I, umm, I suppose I'll leave you to read then. It might take you a while, I ramble about pretty pointless things most of the time. You'll probably just flick through it, bored. It's not nearly as exciting as you think it is. "

He smiled at me and kissed me softly before getting up, taking my hand and walking me to his car. I told him I'd be fine with walking but he insisted, as always, to drive me home.

"Are you absolutely sure you want me to have your diary?" he asked as we slowly walked up to my front door.

"Yes," I replied automatically. "Don't give me a chance to take it back. I'm surprised you didn't grab it and run, you've been bugging me to read it for so long."

He laughed and gently touched my back. I looked up at him. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me." He bent down and kissed me.

"Jared?" I said as he started to walk away. He turned again. "I really am so dreadfully sorry."

He shrugged. "What's done is done, Kim. Don't stress over it, I forgive you."

I ran up to him and hugged him one last time. Partly because I love holding him, partly because I wanted him to know I meant my apology and partly because I was scared after he read that he wouldn't ever hug me again.

"I love you," I whispered and he kissed the top of my head.

"I love you too."

I eventually let him go and I went back into my house. When I went up to my room I felt… empty. It was weird not having it there to write in. I felt a bit bored.

I didn't see or hear from Jared for the whole of the next day. Panic was starting to set in. I had a lot of the school projects I was set over the summer vacation so I got them done. And I made lots of coffee. I do that a lot when I worry. I also played a lot of Solitaire, as it keeps my mind busy so I didn't think about the fact that Jared MIGHT NOT EVER SPEAK TO ME EVER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I also picked up my cell, wrote him a text only to delete it straight after, or contemplated calling him and then put it back down a gazillion times. But I told him I'd let him just read and that was what I was gonna do. I was gonna leave it. I'd find out eventually.

Even if it's because Momma Thail rang to tell me that he's fled the country to get away from me.

I tried to write a diary entry on a spare piece of paper and then I'd either stick it in or copy it out, but I couldn't. I just couldn't get my feelings or thoughts onto the page. It didn't feel right. It felt like I was cheating on my little navy book. It didn't feel secure to write on any old single sheet of paper. It could be lost or ripped or crumpled… it didn't feel as safe as it did when I wrote in my diary. My diary seems to hold everything in, not just the pages, but my thoughts.

Unfortunately, I then remembered that it wasn't so secure and it was being violated by someone else. He was reading every single ridiculous little thought that I've had over the past thirteen weeks. I didn't think it would be this hard. Okay, I did. But it seemed to go on forever. I forgot the whole actual 'reading' process when I handed it over. It didn't occur to me that I'd have to sit at home waiting for him to finish reading every little nerdy sentence.

My cell buzzed and an actual squeak escaped my lips. I clambered to quickly read it, my heart thumping.

'_Meet me in your back yard in 30 seconds?' _

I didn't reply to Jared's text; I chucked my cell up in the air and just legged it out the house.

There were no kisses on the end of it. Or a smiley face. That means this shit was serious.

I didn't even bother putting shoes on as I walked out the back door and onto the wet grass, my eyes scanning the trees desperately for a sign of him as my mind came up with a billion different circumstances that could happen.

I ringed my hands nervously.

Another squeak was ripped from my mouth as warm hands picked me up. The next thing I knew was that I was being pressed against the outside wall of my house and Jared's wondrous tongue was down my throat. I moaned, half with relief and half because the passion of Jared's kisses makes me lose all control over myself.

As my feet didn't reach the floor I thought I might as well give my legs something useful to do so I wrapped them around his waist, pulling him closer as my hands went to his arms. His hand fisted my hair at the back of my head as he pulled my lips against his urgently. I tilted my head back, happily submitting my mouth to the fiery claim of his.

He pulled back and pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes closed and his breath coming out even more ragged than my own.

"I fucking love you so much," he breathed as he pressed his face into mine, his lips caressing mine softly, making them tingle from the change of his previously rough touch.

I ran my hands up his chest to settle on where his thick neck merged into his broad, muscled shoulders.

"That's a relief," I replied, still a little dizzy. "I thought you'd get freaked out and avoid me for the rest of your life."

He smiled and shook his head, still gently pressing soft wet kisses to my lips and around my mouth.

I lightly ran my fingers up and down his neck. "So, um… you don't think I'm a freak?"

"Oh, you're definitely a freak," he replied, pulling back and looking me in the eyes. "But I love you anyway. More so, actually."

I smiled sadly and he stroked my cheek. "I mean it. I love everything about you."

I kissed him, not sure whether I believed him or not and then he sighed.

"Although, I am angry with you for one thing," he said and my eyes widened and I tried to regulate my breathing while I nodded my head for him to continue. "Do you know how freaking hard it was not to kiss you? Not only am I a teenage boy, but I also have a werewolf in side of me that _really _wants to claim his mate. It was _so _hard – like, I-deserve-a-freaking-medal, hard – not to kiss you senseless whenever I saw you, or whenever you'd do something cute or when you'd touch me, which I must mention you did a _lot_. And I didn't make out with you because that's what I thought you wanted and I wasn't going to be the dick that pressured or forced you into anything because I love you so much. And then I read your fucking diary and it turns out you _wanted_ me to kiss you! Do you know how achingly frustrating that is?"

I blushed a rather worrying shade of almost purpley-red. I mumbled and fumbled on my words as I stared at his chest.

"Err, sorry," I eventually said and he laughed and pressed his mouth to mine.

"Oh, Kim. What the hell am I going to do with you?"

"Love me forever?" I offered, knowing it was wishful thinking.

Jared smiled and cupped my cheek.

"Yeah, alright then," he agreed easily. "I think that's one thing that I can do."

I stared into his eyes for as long as I could before I had to look away.

"You know, while it was probably the most flattering thing I've ever read, I think you've overestimated me. I'm really not that great or kind or hot."

I didn't say anything.

"Seriously, Kim."

"I know… but I love you. And so in my eyes you'll always be the greatest or kindest of hottest guy I know."

"That's a very high expectation. I'm scared I won't live up to it forever."

"But I'll always love you."

He looked at me and bit his lip. He nibbled on it for a while before sighing and taking my hand, walking us over to my garden bench.

"Kim," Jared said. "We need to talk about something else that was in your diary."

I turned to him, abruptly nervous again.

He stared back at me and took a deep breath. "You're going to university."

I sighed and looked away. "Jared…"

"No, Kim," he pushed me back down and sat next to me. "You're going and that's that. No arguments." I shook my head and he cupped my cheek, forcing me to look into his eyes. "You have to go."

"But I don't want to go anymore!"

"You know that's not true," he said softly. "And I can't live the rest of my life knowing that I was the reason you were held back, why you didn't follow your dreams and do what you wanted to do. You can't be stuck in a boring, mediocre job when we both know that not what you want. You can achieve so much more and I know you have the potential to create a fantastic career for yourself."

"But it's not even like that, just because you don't have a degree doesn't mean you won't get a good job! Thousands of people get their dream job without going into further education, so it really isn't a big deal, Jared."

His face didn't change. "But that's what you want, you want to go to uni and there's nothing you can say that will hide that because we both know it's true."

I shook my head and leaned into him, closing my eyes. "I want _you,_" I whispered and he sighed and stroked my back.

"And you'll always have me. I'll be right here waiting for you when you come back. And I promise I'll come visit you every weekend. It'll be fine, Kim, we'll make it work. Everything will work out fine."

"I can't, Jared," I said, pulling away. "I can't spend one day away from you. I'll be missing you so much that I won't be able to even pay attention."

"We'll call every day – we'll freaking Skype or something, I dunno. But it'll be fine, Kim. It'll be worth it."

I sighed. "It won't be the same and you know it. Jared, it won't work out and I know that; I'm fine with that! Please don't feel guilty."

"Which university was your dream one again?" he asked softly and I looked at him.

"It doesn't matter."

"What did you want to do with your life before I came and messed it all up?"

I let out a noise and wrapped my arms around him tightly. "No, Jared! Don't even speak like that! You didn't 'mess' my life up in the slightest – you made my life a million times better than what it was!"

He buried his face in my neck. "It was Yale, I remember now. You're going. And that's the end of it."

"No it's not! Do you know how far away that is? Weekends aren't long enough for me to drive back, and how the hell would I be able to afford flights? It just can't happen. It's unrealistic. I probably wouldn't even get in anyway."

"Don't be silly, of course you would."

I wanted to study English and then intern at a magazine or a newspaper and eventually I want to be an editor or something like that. I wasn't quite sure but I knew I wanted to work in literature. Maybe that's why I've enjoyed writing this diary so much. I'd love to be an author but I know for sure that's never going to happen.

I've wanted to go to Yale for years because that's where most of my family have gone. Well, that's where the un-Quileute side of my family went, as well as my mom, because her dad's family all live in Connecticut.

He originally lived there and went to Yale, but met my Quileute Granny Anne when she was following her favorite band on a tour of America at the tender age of sixteen.

She ran away from home because her old man was a bit of a drunk and so she decided she was going to follow her dream, and her dream was to be a groupie. My poor old Gramps didn't quite know what hit him when he met her. He followed her around on the tour through his summer vacation, but as the tour drew to an end and his next semester at university started, he couldn't let her go home to La Push alone to a drunken and abusive father, so he packed up his stuff and dropped out, following her. You know what they say, when you go Native American, you don't go back.

Okay, maybe that's not quite right, but he left his posh life behind for a quite life on the rez and he doesn't have any regrets. His family were less than pleased that he ran after a girl three years his junior, leaving behind a promising academic future, but he always says he has all he wanted and never regretted a thing.

Mom, of course, thinks he was a fool and sided with her paternal grandparents. They came around eventually, but Mom has always been the type more interested in working than love. Well, she fell in love with my dad when she was young and swore never to do so again, because if she hadn't been so determined she'd never have been able to juggle law school and a child of a man who also had his sights set on being a lawyer, not a parent.

She 'chose' my step dad. She met him through a mutual friend and decided that he was going to be her next husband. Scott says he likes a decisive woman who gets what he wants and I'd say they're happily married, but I just don't see the passion in it.

Did I want to be my grandpa, who was content and as happy as anyone I've ever met, completely and totally in love with my granny, even after all this time? Or did I want to be a stressed workaholic like my mother, who barely made time for her family?

"Jared, there's nothing you can say that will make me go to Yale."

"Kim! You're acting like it's either go to Yale and leave me, or leave your dreams and have me. There are so many other options! Would you please just stop with this stupid notion that you have to choose between the two? It's your dream, and I'm going to be there, holding your hand every step of the way."

"But what about you? That's not fair on you."

"So what? It's fair that you have to stay here and not follow what you want? No."

"We can't go so far away."

"Well, why don't you just go to a closer university? Hmm? A compromise between both?"

I bit my upper lip.

"There are good universities in Seattle," he said. "And I can probably run in my wolf form to Seattle in like an hour."

"Or…" I said slowly and his eyebrow rose. "You could go to university with me."

He snorted. "Yeah, right."

"But you could!"

"And study what?" he asked, smiling.

"Science! You like that! Something to do with that, I don't know! Anything you're interested in!"

"I don't think I'm quite smart enough to get into uni, Kim," he said, laughing, but I shook my head vehemently.

"Oh, but you are! You're actually putting more effort in lately and you're getting such good grades! You could definitely get in!"

"I think you're forgetting the little conversation that you had with Paul; I'm a werewolf. My job is here in La Push."

"But why does it have to be?" I asked, my brain whirling with excited ideas. "You're a werewolf, so what? That doesn't mean you have to be tied here for the rest of your life! You said it before; you could run back here within an hour if anything happened. There are enough guys here, if they need some help you can come back for a bit. You shouldn't have to just put what's best for you in second place. I'm not saying you have to, but if you want to then you shouldn't put what you want to the side just because you've got a couple genes that were previously used to protect our people. You can't live your life for others, isn't that what you're telling me?"

He sighed. "Kim, I'd love to. I'd absolutely love to act like normal kid and go to uni, especially with you, but I just can't."

"But why not?" I really was far too excited.

He smiled and cupped my cheek. "I've got to protect the people of La Push. It's what's in my blood."

"But what does it matter if you take a couple years off? You can come back and protect it for the rest of your life! There aren't loads of vampires, are there? They're not gonna keep attacking La Push of all places, so there might not even be any more coming for years! What's the point of just waiting around? If you wanna do something, you can't let this hold you back!"

He brushed his thumb over my cheekbone. "You do make a rather convincing case."

I looked down. "And, well, you're a protector… so why don't you just come to uni and protect me… I'm Quileute, so you'd still be doing your duty by protecting me, and that's what the whole 'imprint' is about isn't? That you're here to keep me safe?" I looked up through my lashes, blushing at being so sly.

He groaned and covered my mouth with his. "You're not as innocent as you look, are you? Paul was right about that. You can make me do whatever you freaking want."

"No!" I protested, blushing harder. "I'm just explaining why it would be a good idea for you to come, if you _wanted _to. You don't have to, of course you don't, but you did say you'd like to be normal and go to uni…"

Jared pressed his forehead against mine. "I never realised you had me so wrapped round your little finger."

I hit him. "I do not! I'm not _making_ you do anything!"

He smiled. "But now you've mentioned the vampire thing I won't be able to stay back, knowing that you could be in potential danger and there's nothing I can do about it. Vampires would probably attack cities rather than small little reservations like this."

"Well, that _is_ true…" I bit my lip again.

He laughed and shook his head at me, pulling my lip out from between my teeth with his own.

"So that's it, huh?" he said, pulling back after a few minutes of kissing. "You just have to threaten me with your safety or make out with me and I'm your puppet?"

I groaned and leaned into him. "Stop making me sound so cunning, I'm not using Machiavellian tactics to make you do what I want! I'm just informing you on why it would be a good idea!"

"I know, baby, I don't mean it. I've always loved the idea of uni, I just never thought I'd be able to go – even before the werewolf thing."

Trying to hold down a grin, I kissed him again.

"Please don't get your hopes up." I shook my head and then he sighed. "God, then there's the whole business with having to pay for it. I dunno, Kim, I'd probably be in debt for the rest of my life."

"Jared!" I exclaimed. "You're a werewolf – you could probably get a scholarship through sport. Just pick an activity and go with it!"

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

"My cousin got a swimming scholarship with his university. I mean, it's not really one you apply for, it's more that you're scouted while in high school when you're like really, really good. But think about it, you're _super human. _You're probably better than any of the athletes who compete at the Olympics! You're so fast and so strong that you could probably be fantastic at any sport!"

He placed his hands on my face, smiling. "Calm down, Kim," he laughed. "That's not gonna happen. One, it's not just strength and speed; you need to have skill, too. Two, I have no idea how the hell to get a scholarship. And three, Sam would never let us take advantage of what we are for personal gain anyway."

"But you're not taking advantage!" I replied, angered. "It's your body, you can do what the hell you like with it!"

"But it's not exactly fair on anyone else, is it?" he asked. "There are probably loads of people out there who have to work so hard and train so hard to be good at sports, and I can't just waltz in and win a scholarship just because I'm a werewolf."

"Who cares? Do they spend their free time saving lives? No, I don't think so, Jared. I think you deserve a simple little scholarship."

He shook his head. "It's not fair."

"You have to live with being a werewolf so that you can keep people safe, why can't you use what you are to your own benefit? Hmm? Why does it have to be for everyone else and not for you? You're really religious, aren't you? If God didn't want you to use it, he wouldn't have given it to you, would he? You do so much that you deserve to use what you have to your own advantage."

He sighed and stared at me. I looked back at him, not backing down.

"I'll talk to Sam."

"Yes!" I wrapped my arms around him. "This is going to be so good!"

He groaned again. "Calm down, Kim."

I smiled and sat back on the bench, pulling my legs up. "Okay. I'm calm. It's just an idea."

"Yes."

"Yeah," I agreed, but I was still smiling.

"Anyway, we need to talk about more things."

I groaned. "But talking is so stressful…"

Jared smiled and kissed me.

And then I realised I wasn't my grandpa. I was quite like him in a few particular ways, but I was my mother through and through. I stress and I worry over exams and grades and schooling and careers and making the wrong decisions. I'll stay up all night biting my nail about whether I'm doing the right thing or if I've put the most possible effort in that I could have. I'm not carefree in the slightest.

I hope one day I can be brave like him but I know for now that I'm not.

"You worry too much," he said simply.

I freaked out a bit, scared that he seemed to be able to read my mind now that he's read my diary. What if that gave him a direct passage to how my mind works?

"Seriously, Kim. You fret about everything and you shouldn't. And you shouldn't worry about what I think of you – I love you, you know that. I'm never going to stop loving you, no matter what you do. And I know I've said this a billion times before but I find the things you do that you find embarrassing cute."

I shook my head and turned away so I was sitting with my back against the bench and crossed my legs.

"I mean it," he said. "You over think stuff way too much."

I sighed and stared at my back yard. It's weird seeing it now. I used to spend so much time in it when I was younger, now it just seems boring. There once was a time when Mom used to actually take time out of obsessing over her work to come play with Jason and I.

Jason used to spend half the day digging a hole at the bottom of the garden and the other half of the day would be spent trying to persuade me to get in it. Before he stopped coming over, this is where we'd spend the day with dad. Until it would rain, and then we'd have to go in because he couldn't possibly get his work clothes wet.

It would always rain.

It's weird looking at somewhere that is so familiar, but for it to hold completely different feelings for you.

"You can't exactly just tell your brain to stop thinking, Jared."

"Well, you don't have to worry about me leaving you."

"Why, though? Things change, even the things that you never thought would. You can't control what happens," I said softly.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"Just trust me, Kim."

"That's not a very confident answer."

I turned my head to look up at him. He smiled and titled my head up further.

"Trust me."

I stared at him for a moment before he ducked his head down and softly pressed his lips against mine.

When he sat up again I leant my head against his shoulder.

"How many times have you been in love?" I asked him curiously – not in a jealous or over protective way. Like he said, I have to trust him.

Jared tensed.

"Kim, I really don't –"

"I'm not going to get upset or angry," I told him as I pulled back. He still cringed. "I just want to know. It is only fair, you know, that you tell me what your past relationships have been like considering you've now read my diary and know I've had jack squat."

He sighed and ran a hand over his face.

"Twice, I suppose. Well, the first time I thought it was love but compared to how much I love you it doesn't even look like a crush."

I shrugged my shoulder because I didn't want him to think I was fishing for compliments or flattery. It was nice and made my tummy flutter a bit, but that's not why I wanted to talk about this.

"Who was it?"

He groaned and then brought his feet up onto the bench, crossing his legs and leaning his elbows on his knees, burying his face in his hands.

"Isi Hurit," he grumbled.

I nodded.

"You lost your virginity to her," I commented and his head snapped round to me in alarm.

"How the hell do you know that?"

I scrunched my nose up. "The girls at our school seem to like telling me little snippets of information about you."

They don't do it in a mean way, at least not intentionally, but more of just a gossip-starved way. Like '_oh my god you're dating Jared, did you know he lost his virginity to Isi? Apparently he wasn't very good to begin with but Becka says he's soooooo good in bed now – have you had sex yet? Is he really good?'_

It's not exactly what you want to hear everyday. The girls in my year find me annoying because I won't give them any information about our relationship. I don't really see why people have to broadcast their relationship to everyone else. Plus what am I going to say? 'No, I haven't fucked him yet because I'm preoccupied with trying to come to terms with him being a werewolf, but please do give me some details on how hot you find my boyfriend.'

They just don't seem to realize that I don't want to listen to them drool over him. Yes, he's hot, I know that better than anyone. And I doubt most of them would be going starry-eyed over him if they knew half the shit I did. They all seem to like to prove that they know more about him than I do and they just don't seem to realize that sure, I don't know what it's like to have sex with him, but I know him _way _better than any of them.

"Oh. Right," he replied, rubbing his neck. "Sorry."

I shrugged. "It's not your fault."

He continued to cringe.

"Why did you break up with Isi… if you don't mind me asking, that is?"

He sighed and sat back.

"Well, we got together when I was like fourteen, after a while we broke up for like a year and then we got back together. We were together for like half a year and then broke up again. She broke up with me the first time because she 'went off me' and I broke up with her the second time because I realised she wasn't really my type."

I frowned at him. "How so?"

"It's sort of complicated. Let's just say there's a reason why Mom is so thrilled you're my soul mate. Before I phased I had a bit of a different view on life, which I think is understandable. Finding out something so huge, and finding out you've got such an important role in life changes your perspective on things. Before that my life was pretty much lazing around, going out with friends or getting laid. It's not like I was some big time rebel, but I was a teenage boy who didn't really have a care in the world."

"Now you get to worry about vampires attacking everyone in their sleep," I said, understanding. He nodded.

"Mom thinks you've turned me into a consciences, considerate and caring guy, but – no offence – it was mostly becoming a werewolf that shifts your understanding of life and how you have to be in life. It really showed how valuable life is; you can't just waste it and expect everything to just magically work out without having to put any effort in."

I turned to him, smiling teasingly. "That's really freaking deep, Jared. If the guys heard you speaking like that they'd break your face."

He laughed and pulled me into a gentle headlock. He pretended to be angry and fight me, but it turned into more of a cuddle.

"You know what else I learnt from reading your diary?" he teased, glaring down at me. I shifted around so my head was leaning on his lap and I was lying on the bench.

"Oh, please share," I replied sarcastically but he ignored me.

"You're naughtier than you let on."

I turned my head to look at him in surprise.

"I nearly choked on air when I read this and came across a _swear word. _I don't think I've ever heard you cuss badly. 'Freaking' seems to be the worst you ever say, so it was quite a surprise to know that up here," he tapped my head, "You were actually thinking words like 'fuck'. I wish that I could read your mind. I bet you're really rude and dirty minded secretly and just act all sweet and innocent."

I huffed and turned on my side so I was facing away. "I knew it was a mistake to let you read my diary. You won't stop making fun of me for the rest of my life, will you?"

"No," he laughed and bent over, kissing my head. "Thank you, by the way, for letting me read that. I don't understand girls at all, so it was quite nice be able to know what you were thinking and what your actual feelings were."

I so wish he kept a diary, because I do not understand half the things he says or does. Unfortunately, it seems that I'll just be kept in the dark with how the male brain works forever.

"Anyway, there's just a few more questions," I said and he nodded, settling back and resting his hand on the curve of my waist. He gently traced circles and patterns with his fingertips over my top.

"Did you lose your virginity the first or second time you went out with Isi?"

His hand faltered. "Erm. First."

"How old were you?"

"… do you really need to know that?" I didn't say anything and he sighed. "Fourteen."

I sat up and gaped at him.

"_Fourteen!" _He cringed. "Jared, you make me feel like the _Forty Year Old Virgin_!"

He laughed and shook his head, pushing me back so I was lying down again.

"Shut up, Kim. There's absolutely nothing wrong with respecting yourself waiting. Plus, it's only three years difference. And I know you think that I'm frustrated that you – what was it you wrote? Oh yes – you think I'm frustrated you didn't '_jump straight onto my cock_'." My cheeks flamed red and I almost slithered off the bench onto a blushing heap on the grass, where I would stay for the rest of my live. "But I'm honestly not. I'm never going to pressure you into anything, not unless you're a million percent sure you're ready. And I absolutely and completely respect that you want to wait. I love that you have values."

"I _really _regret letting you read my diary."

He chuckled loudly and kissed my head again.

"You don't mean that," he said and I groaned because he was right, I didn't.

He continued to laugh as he ran his hand up and down my side.

"Seriously though, Kim. I don't care if I have to wait till you are forty; I'm going to wait for when you're ready. And don't worry about it, because I wouldn't be happy or comfortable having sex with you knowing that you weren't a hundred percent certain that this was the right thing."

"I think I nearly am, you know," I said, and you could tell that I meant it because I wasn't even that embarrassed about saying it.

There was something awfully freeing about letting someone read your diary. Now that I'd shared that with him I felt like I could share the rest of me with him.

"Well, like I said, not until you're one hundred percent sure."

"I think I'm like eighty/eighty-five percent at the moment."

He rolled his eyes at me but carried on the discussion about sex. And it wasn't the awkward moment of my life.

Well, that was up until I asked the dreaded question:

"How many people have you had sex with?"

He groaned and covered his face.

"Why even ask that?" he muttered.

I shrugged.

He sighed, "Are you sure you want to know?"

I nodded up at him and he cringed.

"Nine."

"That's not too bad," I said and he cringed again. "I'd be… tenth. That's okay. It's a nice round number."

He groaned louder this time and pushed me up so I was sitting and he turned to face me.

"See! This is why I didn't want to tell you! Why do girls always have to compare themselves?" he huffed. "It's not like you're just another girl I want to have sex with, okay? It's completely and totally different to that. My relationship with you is ridiculously different to any relationship I've ever had with anyone else, so why the hell do you have to compare yourself?"

"Well, it's kind of difficult not to when everyone else is, Jared," I said quietly.

"So_!_? Why do you have to care what everyone else thinks?"

I shook my head at him. "Not all of us are blessed with such high levels of self confidence that you can just wonder through life doing whatever the hell you like without thinking of the repercussions."

"That's another thing, Kim! Why do you have to be so insecure?"

"You can't honestly be telling me off for being insecure?"

He sighed. "That's not what I meant. I just don't get it. You think I'm so confident but I never even considered myself an overly confident person. I told you, you just worry too much."

I looked at him, slightly annoyed. "I can't just tell myself to be confident."

He stroked my face again. "Well, you should. You deserve to be because you're great… I'm going to make you confident."

I laughed loudly at his absurdity. "Right. How are you going to do that?"

With that carefree grin of his, he shrugged. "Dunno, but I'll do it. Trust me, I'll find a way. It might take years but I'll do it."

He stood up and extended his hand. "Come on, lets go inside, it's starting to rain."

"Jared…" I bit my lip. "Do you think we could stay here a bit longer?" I asked softly.

Because, like I said before, it always rains. The rain would always cloud over the good moments in my life. I didn't want it to wash ours away too.

"Fine but if you get a cold from sitting in the rain I'm not gonna slave over another bowl of soup 'cause it'll be your fault," he said, sitting back down and pulling me onto his lap.

I leant my face against his chest as the rain started to fall harder. I closed my eyes.

I know that Jared thinks I'm strange, but I loved that he didn't question it and he just sat down.

I was so glad to have found someone who would stay with me throughout the rain.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>As I warned, there was a bit of a gap between updating, so I hope this killer long one makes up for it - and I hope it will keep you happy for a little while longer because I'm going on holiday for 2 weeks. I'm leaving in 12 an hour so you're very lucky to get this now! I didn't want to leave you without anything, so apologies if it's got a lot of mistakes, I'm going to go back and edit it properly when I return, but I thought I'd just give you a little something before I'm off again :) I was in a bit of a rush towards the end but I've had a bit of trouble with it. **

**I know I told a few of you that I was going to put an argument in there, but it just didn't fit in anywhere and I didn't want to force it. It won't be all sunshines and daisys forever though!  
><strong>

**Thank you to everyone again for reading and reviewing, I appreciate the feedback!**

Ashley C - **I know, I'm sorry! I hope you liked it, thank you for reading and reviewing as always :)**


	24. July 25

_July 25_

Dear Diary,

I have made a new friend. You will never believe who it is!

Go on, guess! No, you're wrong – it's Leah! Yes, that's right, my precious little diary, Leah Clearwater is now officially one of my friends. Well, I use the term 'friends' lightly... I think it's more of an affectionate hatred on her part but who cares?

The boys still find her a bit of a nightmare because she likes to put them through hell, but, like I said before, when you're going through as much shit as she is you're allowed to do that, especially if you have to share a mind with them. At first I didn't think she liked me as she'd glare daggers at me whenever I was remotely close to her – I think she disliked me even more than Paul did – but today it seems that she doesn't.

I took Zainy out for a walk alone because Jared was still running patrol, so I just took him to the beach. It was a surprisingly nice day and so I just sat down on the sand and had a look out at the sea, pondering about how wonderful mine and Jared's relationship is.

I'll admit it now, I've gone a bit soft in the head. But I can't help it, it's not my fault. I thought after our long chit chat that our relationship would slow down a bit, maybe we'd calm down so I wasn't as 'I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH STAY WITH ME FOREVER OR I'LL CUT YOU' like usually. Unfortunately, however, I'm still as obsessed and in love with him. In fact, while I thought Jared would run for the hills after hearing how obsessed I am with him, it seems that we've actually grown closer. I think we have a deeper understanding of each other now.

Anyway, I was in the middle of imagining spending my life with Jared and going to uni with him (I'll discuss this later!) when none other than Leah Clearwater plonks herself down next to me.

I eyed her wearily and spluttered a nervous hello because up until today I was pretty sure she secretly wanted to kill me.

"So you managed to shake off Loverboy for five minutes?" she asked in a mockingly shocked tone.

"Oh, just wait, he'll be here in a bit," I said, smiling cautiously.

She laughed, leaning her head back and looking up at the sky.

"Doesn't it get tedious?" she asked after a slightly awkward moment of silence.

"Does what get tedious?" I frowned.

"Having him follow you around like a lost puppy?" She looked back at me when I snorted.

"I think it's more I follow _him_ around like a lost puppy."

She stayed quite for a bit and I petted Zain.

"So do you honestly not find Jared annoying at all?" she asked. "Because I can barely stand to be anywhere near him."

I laughed. "Nah, I'm really quite fond of him, actually."

Leah shook her head at me. "Jared is the last person I'd want to imprint on me… but then I suppose you don't have to share a mind with him. He's so fucking obsessed with you. It's sickly. Imprinting is just –"

I smiled awkwardly and played with my shoe.

"Do you ever feel a bit scared? You know, that you're sort of stuck with him forever?" she said. "I mean, that's _it_ for you. You can't exactly go and get married to another dude when you know Jared's your soul mate."

I continued to play with my shoe. "I'm not scared at all because I don't think of it like I'll never be able to move on from him. I don't want to move on from him, and I _love _knowing that I won't have to."

Leah sighed and laid back on the sand, looking back up at the sky.

"You're one lucky bitch, you know that right? Not many girls at – what are you? Seventeen? – not many girls at seventeen can say that. I _thought _I could say that, but I was obviously wrong. But you, you actually know that for sure."

I nodded. I probably wouldn't have said that a couple months ago. I would still be a bit weary about the whole 'soul mate' topic because I wasn't really that certain as to where we stood. I definitely wouldn't have been able to talk to someone about it. I guess I just didn't really know if he'd even want to be with me. Finding out someone wants to stay with you forever is a bit of a jump when you haven't ever really had anyone love you deeply before.

It just took me a while to wrap my head around that concept. I know it's silly because that's what a relationship is all about; one person wanting to be with someone and the other reciprocating those feelings. I honestly never thought that I'd truly find that, let alone at – like Leah said – such a young age.

I'd feel a bit full of myself to say that Jared will love me forever, though. I think it's a bit of a brash statement to make, especially so early on in our relationship. Jared said the other day that I didn't need to worry about him leaving me, and I am trying to trust him, but it still seems a bit silly and naïve to say that. Anything could happen.

On the other hand, I can't ever see anything happening that will stop me from loving him.

Oh, I don't even know how I feel, Diary. I hate to come back after a couple of weeks (sorry about partially neglecting you, by the way) and suddenly start spouting shit that's opposite to what I was like in the last entry, but I do feel like our relationship has changed. It's not like we're getting married or anything, but I feel like we're a lot closer now. I understand him more.

Anyway, I told Leah that I knew I was very lucky and she scoffed.

"Honestly, Kim. You really don't know how lucky you are. Not only do you have someone who loves you, thinks the sun shines out of your ass, but you have someone who isn't going to leave you…" She looked over at me and I felt so guilty. I know I shouldn't feel guilty because it's not my fault the big hands of fate decided that I should be blessed with this and she should have all these thousands of troubles laid upon her shoulders, but it's hard to know how cruel the other end of imprinting can be. My life isn't easy by any means, but I do feel like an idiot moaning when I actually have quite a lovely life.

"Even if it was one of the guys?" I asked her, trying not to show I felt sorry for her. I think that's pretty much the main reason why she puts the guys through hell. If they hate her they can't feel sorry for her. Human beings, especially hotheaded teenage boys, aren't really wired that way all the time. I know some people can find compassion for anyone but you don't always get that trait in everyone.

I grinned as her eyes gave away the true answer.

"Don't you fucking dare run off and tell Jared that," she warned.

"I won't, I promise," I said, smiling. "I thought you hated them?"

"I do! Of course I hate them. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm harbouring secret crushes for any of them or anything, but I'd take pretty much anyone at the moment."

I smiled at her, trying to make it as least patronising as possible.

"You remind me of my stepsister."

"Why? Is she a werewolf too?" she replied dryly, her sharp tongue making me roll my eyes.

"She got done over by like all seven of her past boyfriends. Swore she'd never find someone who loved her. She's bringing her fiancé over to meet her dad next weekend." She looked over at me. "Her fiancé is fifty-seven. She's twenty-three."

She let out a cackling-like laugh.

"Scott, her dad, he doesn't know this. I'm absolutely dying to see his reaction when his baby girl brings him in. She told me that he's lost a lot of his hair but _he loves her, _so it doesn't matter_. _Apparently older men don't mess you around like guys your age."

She shoved me lightly. "Thanks for that, I'll bare that in mind."

I smiled at her.

"Unfortunately it's a bit difficult to get a guy when you're a werewolf. I don't imagine a lot of guys like that shit, even when they're desperate old guys."

"I'm sure there's some guys who have that particular fetish."

She pulled a face and shoved me again.

Leah stopped for a moment and looked at me. "You know how you freaked out?" she said, causing my cheeks to flame in embarrassment. Unfortunately, it seems, the others found out about my whole cowardly runaway.

"Yes," I replied quietly. It's one thing having done it but it's a whole new level of embarrassment that everyone else knows too.

"Would you have accepted Jared if he hadn't imprinted on you? If you didn't have that bond or the knowledge that he's your soul mate?"

I thought about it before I realised why she was asking.

"Yeah, I would. Without a doubt. I mean, that never really came into it for me. It was mostly that I knew _him. _I knew he wasn't some savage thing that was going to run around, terrorising villages or anything like that."

She bit her nail and I suddenly realised. "You – you don't think you'll imprint?"

She looked over at me and smiled sadly. "I was a mistake. You should have seen the looks on the guys' faces when they realised a _girl _had phased. I don't think I'll be imprinting on some unsuspecting normal guy any time soon."

I frowned at her, surprised. "You think it was a mistake that you phased?"

"What? You don't?"

"Not really. I thought it was weird that more girls hadn't phased yet… It's like with this day and age there's not really that much difference between sexes. What can guys do that women haven't proved that they can do too? Maybe back when the tribe first phased the women just stay at home but I think nowadays it would be a silly notion that a female can't protect her people."

She was the one who looked quite surprised now.

"I suppose…"

"If anything you should feel really proud. You're like being the first female solider or president or something equally as significant. I'm pretty sure it wasn't just a mistake."

Her eyebrow raised. "You know, you're alright, Kim. I thought you were a bit of a bore but you're alright."

I just nodded. People don't seem to understand that these 'compliments' are actually insults too.

Anyway, Leah looked away and scratched her forehead as she contemplated what I just said.

My mom would be so proud at the amount of girl-power bullshit that I was spouting. I mean, I adore Jared and I'm so lucky to have him, and I know I don't understand what it's like for them, but I do feel a bit… well, useless. With the whole imprinting thing it seems that I'm more the stay at home to cook and clean woman, rather than the fight and protect and do something significant. I mean, I know the Third Wife played a pivotal part in the protection of the tribe way back when, but now when I'm standing next to a pack of werewolves I can't help but feeling... inadequate. What the hell can I do? What if something happened and a massive swarm of vampires attacked La Push? I'd just be waiting at the sidelines, praying that Jared doesn't get hurt. I couldn't do anything. I don't really understand what use I have in this whole thing. I don't really see why I'm involved in it.

I wonder when more girls will start phasing. Two young guys, even younger than Seth, phased a little while ago and they're the last to phase. Brady and Collin. They're both so cute and I adore them. I just want to mother them because they just seem so young. I couldn't imagine them ever hurting anything. Sam is trying to get them to do the least amount of stuff to keep them in school because they're just so young.

Suddenly Leah's head snapped to the nearest patch of woods to the beach.

"Loverboy's on his way," she said, turning back to me. I tried not to smile the goofy smile I get from anticipation when I know he's coming.

She seemed to catch it anyway. "Wow. You really are just as sickly as he is, Paul's right."

It's not my fault. I haven't seen him all day because I spent the day with the girls. I have every right to look forward to seeing him!

I frowned sadly at the Paul remark. "Does Paul still hate me?" I asked and she smiled.

"Paul loves you nearly as much as Jared does. He pretends he doesn't 'cos you're, you know, a nerd." _Thanks. _"But it's like with all of the guys, they have a soft spot for you because they have to listen to Jared harping on about you so much. We sort of have to care because he cares because the imprint's so strong and he's our brother. Paul's worst affected 'cos he's so close to Jared." _Double thanks._

She must have read my face because she laughed loudly again.

"I'm kidding. He likes you for you, don't worry."

I let out a breath and allowed a nervous laugh. She shook her head at me as Jared finally joined us.

"Are you being a bitch to my girlfriend, Leah?" he asked as he sat down next to me, leaning in to press a soft kiss to my lips.

"Well, I was telling her about all the dirty thoughts you have when you phase. So if that counts as being a bitch, then yes."

His face fell. "What?" Her eyebrow twitched in a 'you know I would' way. He looked at me. "She didn't."

I looked away. I tried to carry on with the act but I'm not that good at lying so I ended up laughing.

"What the hell have you been thinking if you're that scared!" I asked, my eyes wide.

Jared sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Never mind, Kim. Never mind."

I continued to laugh at him, but I gave him a shove for good measure.

He gave Leah a warning look and she grinned evilly.

"Seriously, Jared! What don't you want me to know?"

He smiled and leant into me again, kissing me softly to distract me. "Seriously, Kim," he teased, "You don't wanna know."

I gave him a funny look and he kissed me again.

"For God sake. Do you two have to suck each other's faces off every second of every day?" Leah asked dryly.

"If you don't want to see it, leave," Jared replied.

"To be fair, if anyone should go it should be you because technically Leah was here first," I said and he gaped.

"Did you –" he stopped, seemingly lost for words and then turned to Leah. "You were with her like five minutes and you already managed to inject your bitchiness into her and turn her against me!"

Leah rolled her eyes and got up and left.

"See you, Kim. Bye, Idiot."

I smiled and waved and Jared pulled a face. He's so immature sometimes.

He turned back to me and I smiled and pulled him closer, pressing my lips to his.

"I love you, you know? I love you so much," I said and he pushed me down so I was on my back.

"I love you too," he replied and kissed me softly. "Even if you're friends with Queen Bitch."

I pouted and he laughed and kissed me again.

I then asked him how patrol went, we kissed some more and generally acted as sickly as usual.

But anyway, I was going to give you an update on the uni situation.

After much persuasion, blackmailing and compromising Sam relented.

"Sam says – after a lot of hard work on my part, mind you," I grinned up at Jared and kissed his nose. "That if I can use my extra physical abilities to my advantage then I should. But I'm not allowed to like, become a professional athlete or shit like that, because that's not fair."

I grinned. "Awsome."

"And no-one is allowed to find out what I am so I can't come first in like everything I do and I can't do things to the best of my ability," he said and I nodded.

"Yeah, I realised that you can't exactly go beating world records or people will get a bit too interested."

"Mmm. But as long as I'm very careful with it, Sam agrees that if I can use this to help myself then I should."

Another grin found it's place on my face and I patted his head, standing up. "Okie Dokie. You go home and I'll come round tomorrow when I pick some books up after work. I've got to do some research now. Shoo!"

He looked at me with a displeased look. Jared opened his mouth to say something but obviously thought better of it. He pecked my lips and left, letting me do what I wanted, it was no use trying to get me to stop.

I turned up at his house the next day at two in the afternoon with a big pile of books I'd got from my bookstore and the library. I also had big wad off leaflets, brochures and my laptop, on which I'd bookmarked a gazillion websites like _How to Win a Scholarship _and shit like that.

Jared opened the door and sighed at the sight of me.

"Are you ready to win a scholarship?" I exclaimed enthusiastically.

Jared pretended he wasn't as enthusiastic at me but he still smiled and his eyes twinkled.

"Come in, you idiot."

For the rest of the day, and a couple of other days since, Jared, his mom and I sat there learning all there is to know about scholarships, courses and universities in general. I made a little book with information, research, tips, deadlines and shit like that. I also spent half of last night on the phone to my cousin who won the scholarship finding out pretty much everything there is to know about it and what he had to do. This is just the type of nerdy stuff that I like. I thrive on it.

I was really excited.

"You know, Kim, you don't have to put this much effort in," Jared said as we grabbed some food from the kitchen, taking a small break during the first research day.

"Oh, shush. This stuff is like smoking weed for geeks like me."

He rolled his eyes and rubbed a hand over his face. "Urgh. Why the hell did I get lumbered with the nerdy psycho?"

I glared and hit him but he pulled me into a hug. "Are you really not bored? Because I'm fine with doing it alone," he said, stroking my hair.

"Seriously, Jared, this is so interesting. And I'm learning lots about it for myself too. I just… I'm not pushing you into this, am I? I feel like I am. You're gonna have to put a lot of work in and if it's not what you really wanted to do… I don't want you to end up hating me because I forced you into it."

He shook his head adamantly. "No, Kim, of course not. I told you the other day, it was something that I'd always wished I'd of been able to do, but never believed I'd be able to accomplish it. I used to be quite smart, but I stopped caring when girls started to pay attention to me. Honestly, if I didn't want this you know I wouldn't be putting this much effort in. I'm far too lazy to even watch you do this if I didn't really want it."

I bit my lip. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," he said, his hands settling on my back as he pulled me closer.

"Promise?"

"Yes, Kim, I promise. Happy now?"

"A bit," I smiled. He shook his head and kissed me again.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, so the LeahKim bit was a one-shot idea that I never got round to writing so I thought why not put it in here. But I did have to split it in half so expect another girly heart to heart later on. I love Leah and her character so I always seem to be putting her in my fanfics. I just hope you liked the chapter.**

**I want to say another massive thank you to all of those who are sticking with this and especially to those taking the time to give some feedback. Please be as honest as you can be! If you're annoyed with something then the only way that this can get better is by just writing a quick line in a review :) Thanks again!**

**Also, thank you so much **LiViNgStRoNgLy** and **Ashley C** for your wonderful reviews, I really appreciate it :)  
><strong>


	25. August 3

_August 3_

Dear Diary,

My wonderful stepsister Lydia has arrived today for the week with her fiancé.

I had to feel sorry for her. I don't think it quite when according to plan. It wasn't the happy family reunion like she'd expected.

There was a knock on the door and Scott got up to answer. I followed too because although she's just my stepsister, we get on better than most blood siblings do. She's a bit of an airhead sometimes but she's got a heart of gold.

Scott opened the door and pulled her into a massive hug. The usual "Oh, it's so good to see you!", "How are you?" and "How was the journey?" type of small talk was said as she pulled off her coat and Scott welcomed Richard in, not knowing that this was him.

"Are you Richard's…?" Scott started but trailed off when he realised nobody else was coming through the threshold of the house. The dreaded word 'dad' seemed to have formed on his tongue but he closed his mouth tightly when Richard shut the door behind him.

"No, no, this is Richard," Lydia said, smiling happily, oblivious to the panic flickering in her father's eyes as he looked between his daughter and the man who was a few years his senior.

Jason was standing next to me and gave out the longest snort I've ever heard. I shoved him in the side with my elbow as Scott recovered, shaking Richard's hand and welcoming him into his home.

I'd say he did it in his usual carefree, happy way, but I'm afraid that would be a big fat lie.

Mom came through and seemed to pick up on the situation quickly enough and with her lawyer poker face, introduced herself, Jason and I flawlessly. She's really rather good at reading the room (unlike Lydia) and glossing over it all (unlike Scott). He still had that look on his face.

Lydia's face broke out in another grin as she moved past her wide-eyed dad, pulling me into a hug.

"Oh, Kim! Look at you! I've missed you so much!" She pulled out of the hug and looked me up and down. "You haven't grown," she commented.

I glared at her and she grinned, winked and tugged at my hair. "We'll sort that out later," she said before turning her attention to Jason. "Come here, you fat ugly dweeb!"

Lydia was a hairdresser for about a year and a half before she realised that her talents lied in the art of fashion instead and started up an online boutique with her friend in Forks, trying to bring in all the latest trends to a town which basically doesn't give a crap about what you're wearing. Forks isn't exactly the most fashion conscious place. People just wear _practical _clothes, same with La Push. While there's definitely a gap in the market there, nobody really seems to be bothered with it. I think the majority of their market is from Seattle.

However, she still thinks she's the best hairdresser America's seen to date, and that she can perform wondrous miracles, such as making my hair look anything other than limp and wispy. Unfortunately, every time she promises to make my hair wonderful, she forgets to actually do it before she leaves. I'm a bit scared that one day she'll remember and then drift off halfway through and go do something else, leaving one side of my hair longer than the other.

Lydia pulled Jason into a hug and he only resisted with half the amount of disgust than if I were to do it. It's because she's older. It's so unfair. He's so much nicer to her than he is to me.

She took hold of Richard's hand and walked through to the living room. Mom and Scott scared a look before they came in as well.

"I'll put the kettle on," Scott said in a strained voice when Lydia pecked her future husband on the cheek. "Come help me, Lyd?" he asked. She looked surprised for a moment before she nodded and got up, following him through.

Mom, Jason, Richard and I sat in an awkward silence for a bit. Mom asked him boring small talk questions after I sent her a pleading look. She's very good at that. If a conversation doesn't come naturally, I can't come up with things to say off the top of my head very easily. I just sit there and panic about how I don't know what to say.

"So, what do you do?" Mom asked as the voices through the kitchen started to get a bit louder. Scott apparently wasn't keeping his opinions to himself and Lydia didn't seem to be having any of it.

"Oh, I'm the CEO of an accountancy firm based in Seattle," he continued on to tell Mom boring businessy things, his eyes fraying over to the kitchen door only a few times.

I also heard Jason faintly whisper, "Sugar daddy" into my ear. I ignored him.

"_Well I don't CARE!" _Lydia screeched.

Awkward.

She stomped back through to the living room. "Come on, Rich, we're going for a walk. It's not raining and I might not get another chance to show you around La Push." She turned to her dad and pointed at him. "When we get back –"

She sighed, dropping her hand and led an apologetic-looking Richard out of the house, not forgetting to stomp her feet on the way.

The door shut loudly and Scott groaned, flinging himself down onto the sofa.

"Can you believe that girl?" he sighed.

Mom sat next to him. "She's twenty-three, Scott. You need to stop thinking of her as a 'girl' and more as a 'woman'. I think it's gone past the time where you can dictate what she does, and who she does it with. Richard seems like a great guy, I'm sure she'll be fine."

I wish she'd take a leaf out of her own book when it comes to me! Although, in her opinion my age isn't old enough to be class as a woman.

He pulled a disgusted face at her. "'_Fine'? _Do you know how old he is? _Fifty seven._"

Jason let out another snort. Mom's head swivelled around to him like an owl. "Go to your room right now, Jason!" she shouted. He opened his mouth to protest but seemed to have a stroke of intelligence for the first time in his life and closed his god. He still grumbled but he vacated the room swiftly.

"Lydia said she didn't care that he was older, he loved her and that was all that mattered," I put in helpfully once Jase had left.

"You knew?" Mom asked shocked, her owl head spinning round to me. "You know he was so old all along?"

_Crap, _I mentally cursed and her eyes widened.

"You knew and you didn't say anything!"

I cringed.

"If you told us sooner we could have tried to talk some sense into her!" Scott exclaimed, the both of them looking at me like I just grew a second head. "Now she's gone and got herself engaged to that asshole!"

"You can go to your room as well!" Mom spat. I sat there with my mouth open.

"How is this my fault?"

"Go. To. Your. _Room!" _

I huffed and left.

That wasn't meant to be how it turned out!

It's not my fault, is it?

It wouldn't have changed anything if they'd known earlier.

Oh, see, now I feel bad! I should have probably broken the news. It wasn't fair on them.

Jason sniggered at me, leaning against the banister at the top of the stairs.

"Noone likes you," I said, giving him a shove – in the opposite direction to the stairs, don't worry. It's not that bad.

Yet.

He sneered at me and went to pull me into a headlock or something like that.

"_It doesn't sound like you're in your rooms!" _Mom screeched up the stairs.

"How does she always know?" he mumbled as we both traipsed off to our respective bedrooms.

I then decided to finish off the rest of my homework, as it's not long now until I go back to school. It'll be my last year. I don't really know how I feel about that.

Michele's near to tears because she doesn't want to go, Lucy can't wait to finish so she can have proper lay-ins and Aysel just doesn't really care, she says she's not bothered either way. The boys, of course, don't give a flying fuck.

I think they have _too _much of a perspective on things. At this age they should be worrying about school and what they're doing with the rest of their life, but they don't. They just worry about vampires and protecting La Push. I think it's quite sad, really. I mean, I know most of them are hardly children, but like with Brady, Collin and Seth, I feel like their innocence has been stripped away a bit. I'm not saying that they're not still immature, they are – to the point where I just bang my head against the table 'til I can't hear their idiotic jokes and remarks – but I think they all have a very mature view of the world, like with what Jared was telling me earlier. Although I'm glad he's not whoring himself out to the female population of La Push anymore, it seems drastic to have had a complete personality change so early on in your life.

Anyway, later on Mom came up and had another go at me. I don't even know what it was about. We seem to be arguing quite a lot lately. And quite a few hours later, Lydia and Richard returned and Scott and them had a nice little heart to heart and it was all resolved (sort of). Scott's just not really the type of person who can stay mad at anyone, let along his own offspring. Scott's rarely the type of person to even get mad, so that was a feat in itself. Anyway, we had dinner, which was still a bit awkward, but I did get to know Richard a bit better. He seems nice. Although the questions started to get a bit awkward later on in the evening so I scampered back off to my room to finish what I was doing.

"I don't know how you can stand living with them," Lydia said from the doorway. I smiled and pushed my homework aside. "Can I come in?" I nodded.

"They're not too bad," I defended half-heartedly.

She closed the door and jumped onto my bed, crossing her legs in the same way she always used to.

"I still can't believe you're actually getting married," I said and she laughed and hit me.

"Neither can I." She leant back on her elbows. "Your mother tells me you've got a boyfriend too now."

I tried not to do that silly blushing smile but I did. "You'd really like him."

She grinned. "Your mom doesn't seem to be that overly fond with him."

I huffed. "Just because he's not Mr. Prim and Proper. She's heard a few rumours around the rez and she's got it into her head that he's a 'bad egg'."

"Tell me about it," she said. "Why is that parent's always tell you that they want what's best for you and they want you to be happy, but yet they don't accept the people you love? Yes they might not be the best possible person for you on paper, but at least they love you! They're not gonna be the ones who fuck your best friend when you're at your own mother's funeral."

"That Wayne really was a dickhead."

"Yeah, and Dad thought the sun shone out of his ass, didn't he? 'Oh such a nice boy', 'Wayne's really doing well for himself, isn't he?', 'Such a good looking lad'. Who cares if they're twice your age or if they've got a bit of a reputation? If they're nice to you, they love you and they're not gonna stop doing that, then what the hell is wrong? Why can't they just accept that love is enough?"

"Hey, you're preaching to the choir here, Lyds. I don't get it either." She laughed at me and shoved me. "They'll come around," I said, putting my hand on her arm. She smiled.

"I've missed you. You'll be my bridesmaid, won't you?"

My face fell. "Err…"

"Oh, Kim! Please! I have the dresses planned out already and everything!"

"Why don't you just have your friends do it?"

"Two of them have already agreed but I really want you to be one as well! Please!"

I cringed but nodded.

Why is it I can't say no?

I was a bridesmaid once before. It was a horrific experience that scarred me for life. I was like twelve and it was my aunt's wedding. It was horrendous. It's not like I'm a tomboy and I hate dresses, but bridesmaid dresses are just uncomfortable. And this one for my aunt's was one of _those _dresses. You know, the big pink puffy ones that just look ridiculous. I looked like I was a six-year-old dressing up as a princess.

And then of course everyone's all 'Wow you look beautiful!' and you're just standing there looking like a right bellend and everyone knows you look ridiculously ugly but because you're a bridesmaid they feel like they have to point out your appearance because you can't try and ignore the big fat dress.

Lydia's favorite color is pink.

However, she works in fashion, doesn't she? I have some hope. It'll be fine.

Plus, noone but family will see it. Sometimes you have to sacrifice these things for the people you love. It she turns round and says I have to wear a pink ballerina dress then I guess I'll just have to do it.

"Oh! And you'll have to bring this Jared too!"

I smacked my head against the wall just as Jason came in.

"Felt left out of the sibling bonding time?" she teased. He pulled a disgusted face and crossed his arms, leaning against the wall. That was a yes.

"Actually I was just coming in to ask when the hell you were gonna shut up? I can hear you two nattering away from my room. The upside of having a sister with no friends is that I can at least get peace and quite usually."

My pillow was flying towards him before I'd even realised he'd insulted me. It was bullshit anyway; he can barely hear anything from my room if not Jared and I would have got busted ages ago.

"I've got like ten times the amount of friends you have," I replied and he pulled a disbelieving look.

"Oh god! Friends! I have way too many friends," Lydia said. "I don't know who the hell I'm gonna invite to this wedding. I should probably pull my finger out and get the invites out. The wedding is in like two or three months."

"'_Two or three months'?" _I squealed. "You're kidding!"

"No," she said, smiling, without a care in the world. "Rich says he doesn't want to waste any longer."

"Yeah, you don't know how long he's got left," Jason mumbled, giggling at his own joke before he'd even finished it.

She shot a look at him. "For that you can be page boy."

"Noooo!"

He dropped himself down on my bed theatrically. I punched him in the arm for her.

"Thanks," she said.

"I got your back, sis."

She laughed and then turned serious. "Ooh, that reminds me! As you're sister to the bride you have to help me organise this wedding! You know I can't organise a goddamn thing and you're so good at it. All you'll have to do is make lists and stuff for me to do, I promise. Please?"

I agreed because doing that seems more appealing to me than being a bridesmaid.

Guaranteed I get more stressed about it than she does, though.

"You're knocked up, aren't you?" Jason said and she glared at him.

"No, actually, I'm not," she replied tightly. "Not all of us are stupid enough to do that – unlike you. Oh wait, you weren't even the father!"

They then started to fight. Violently.

It must be Jason.

He seems to bring this side out of everyone.

I kicked them both hard so they fell off my bed. "Get out of my room!"

Two hands wrapped round both of ankles and they both put all of their effort into pulling me off the bed.

I, unfortunately, have all the grace of an elephant and landed flat on my face, butt in the air.

"Oh my god, you two!" I groaned, cradling my face as I rolled over. "I can't believe you're actually getting married, Lydia! You act like a four year old!"

"Uh oh," Jason said, staring at my face in horror. Lydia cringed too.

"Woopsy."

"What?" I sighed, reaching my hand up to my upper lip and finding out there was blood there. "Oh, great! You see what you've done now?"

Jason patted my head, got up and left.

"I'll get you a tissue," Lydia offered, looking slightly more sympathetic than my brother.

The problem is though; when I get a nosebleed, I _really _get a nosebleed. I mean, they go on for like an hour.

She came back with a tissue but soon scampered back off to the guest bedroom to see her fiancé. I just sat there with my stupid nose and it's stupid blood.

Well, that was until my knight in shining armour saved me from a lonely night of boredom.

"You alright?" Jared asked softly as he climbed through my open window.

"I thought I told you that you weren't allowed to do that?" I said as he shut it behind him.

"If you didn't want me to stop by on the way back from patrol you wouldn't leave your window so wide open," he replied, smirking, and made his way over to me.

"Plus I could smell your blood and it freaked me out," he added quietly, stroking the side of my cheek as I pinched my nose.

"Ah, sorry. It's nothing serious."

He took the tissues from my hand and gently touched at my face and nose with it.

"I think it's stopped now anyway," I said.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I fell on my face."

His cheeks dimpled.

I groaned and kicked him. "This isn't funny, Jared!"

He struggled keeping the laughter in, the sides of his mouth dancing with effort.

"No, it's not."

I pushed him away and took the tissue back. "I hate you."

He finally laughed, his fingers wrapping around my elbow to bring me closer, not even bothering to look apologetic.

"You don't hate me," he told me. "You love me _so _much that sometimes you get angry with how perfect I am and you get frustrated with the uncontrollable love you have for me. You misinterpret this for hate when it overwhelms you."

I looked at him for a moment.

"Nah, I'm pretty sure it's hate," I said.

He laughed and kissed my forehead.

I'm also pretty sure he was just messing around. I'm about ninety-five percent certain it was a joke. Actually, it's more like ninety percent.

He grinned and I rolled my eyes. "You're such a cocky little shit. I'm gonna go the bathroom to clean up."

Jared nodded and flung himself down on my bed.

He was in the exact same position when I came back in.

"We haven't kissed in seven whole hours," he moaned as I shut the door and walked over to him. "And even then I only saw you briefly when I took you home from work," he pouted, pulling me on top of him.

"You kissed my head like two minutes ago, Jared."

He huffed. "Shut up, you know that doesn't count." I smiled and shook my head. "Jared wants some lovin'."

I had to bend down and bury my face into his neck to try and muffle my laughter so the whole house didn't hear.

"You are so ridiculous, Jared Thail," I whispered through giggles.

He tugged at my hair gently so my head was titled up. "Kiss me," he demanded.

"You know I don't like people who make demands."

He laughed his sexy, turned on laugh and rolled us over.

"I don't care," he said, smiling as his mouth descended on mine. He bit and tugged on my lower lip before he finally pressed his lips to mine.

We got a bit carried away as always and eventually I had to roll him off.

I got off the bed and fanned myself with my hand. "Oh crap, I think I'm gonna get another nosebleed. It was hot in here anyway, before you even came in." He laughed but when I moved to open the window he pulled on my hand.

"Don't –"

I frowned as he tugged me back.

"Sorry." I continued to frown and he sighed. "I just really don't like the thought of the smell of your blood diffusing out into the forest."

I let him pull me back onto the bed. "It's stupid, I know. It's just – we've had this vampire hanging around lately... It's not a big deal, we'll catch the leech soon enough I just –"

I smiled and rubbed his arm. "It's okay. I understand."

"So, err, how did today go?"

I groaned. "Don't get me started!" I said, and he laughed and started to get himself comfortable because by now he knew that meant that he already got me started and he was in for a moan. "Firstly, I got the blame for it! And then Mom comes up and is all like 'Why would you think to not tell us something?' and then she…"

Jared's good to me, God bless him. He's perfected his 'I'm not bored at all' face, even though I know he probably is. I usually keep the moaning for the girls so we can bitch about things together (and because I'm determined not to be a moany, naggy girlfriend) but sometimes it just can't wait.

Oh well, it's his punishment for having such a high body temperature. I'd much rather we were making out too.

"I hope you have to wear a big pink fluffy dress," he said, grinning.

See? This is why you moan to friends. They can sympathise.

"I wouldn't wear it."

"Aww, but you'd look so cute," he said, is a sickly, cutesy voice.

"You only want me to because you thrive of seeing me humiliated."

He grinned and nodded. "That's only because I love you."

"That doesn't even make sense –"

He shut me up with his skilled mouth.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>I don't really know what the fashion is like in La Push, Forks or Seattle so what I was writing about that was just how I imagine it to be and how it fits in with the story.<strong>

**Thank you so much to all of the wonderful people who reviewed the last chapter, it really was so lovely to get such a lovely response, I'm glad you liked it. Unfortunately for some reason my alert settings got switched off a couple of chapters ago so I didn't realise a lot of you had reviewed so I was having to do it from the review page, so I'm sorry if I ever missed someone out, I never purposefully don't reply to a review as I really do appreciate it! I don't understand why the settings switched off, has anyone else had that and know why?**

**I know a lot of you just want cute Jared/Kim moments but unfortunately to actually give this a story line I have had**** a few filler chapters so things can build up to pivital points. And this is Kim's diary so it will feature more things than just her boyfriend. However, I tried to add in some cutesy stuff at the end so those of you who just wanna see Jared get some lovin' didn't get too bored! Feel free to give your honest opinions in a review :)  
><strong>

**Thanks again everyone for reading!**

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><p>LiViNgStRoNgLy - <strong>Thank you so much! I'm trying to stick as close to cannon as I can so Leah's going to be the only shewolf for a bit longer but there will me some female additions to the pack at some point I'm sure :) And I'm glad you liked the KimLeah moment, loads of people seemed to have liked that! I just adore Leah so writing her in this was great and it helped to show Kim's views on it all. Thanks again for reading and reviewing!**

to lazy to sign in - **You didn't leave a name so I don't know who it was so I couldn't reply to an account so, thank you whoever you are! I'm glad you liked it. There will be some more cute moments on the way very soon, I hope the little snippet on the end was enough to fulfil you for now at least :) thanks again! **

Ashley C - **Thank you for another review! I'm glad you liked it :) I'm glad you liked the Leah and Kim bit too! I think their relationship is a bit of a complex one and I really enjoyed writing her both away from the pack and with her pack brothers. There will definitely have to be some more Leah/Kim heart-to-hearts later on. Thanks again!**


	26. August 25

_August 25_

Dear Diary,

This Monday was the first day of my last year at high school. I thought it would feel a bit different to how it was last year. We're the oldest in the school and I only have a little while left 'til I leave but it really doesn't feel any different. I mean, I'm about five times more stressed but I don't feel sad about leaving. If anything I'm looking forward to it. I suppose it's changed a little bit as I certainly don't hate going into school as much as I did because I look forward to seeing Jared there.

It's weird to think that this time last year I wouldn't have had anything to do with him… It's strange how quickly your whole life can turn around. Now it just seems completely normal to spend pretty much all my time with him. It feels natural.

That reminds me of something that I really need to get off my chest.

I have mentioned, many times now, that Jared is God's gift to women and homosexual men. I have also briefly mentioned that girls like to throw themselves at Jared. Tuesday was one of those days.

At lunch, for the past like, four months, I've alternated between whether I sit with Jared and his friends or I sit with mine. I try and keep to sitting with one every other day. But when I sit with Jared they all accept and honour that we like to sit together. It's normal, isn't it? They're fine with that. We're boyfriend and girlfriend, we're gonna want to sit next to each other! And so I sit in the exact same place on their table in the cafeteria next to Jared and noone ever sits on that side of him. It's not an obsessive thing that I have, we just like to be close and that's routine.

However, guess who was sitting in my seat today when I walked into the cafeteria?

Isi freaking Hurit.

His ex-girlfriend.

Sitting next to Jared.

In my space.

Last year I would have just gone to sit with my old friends and glared daggers at her for the whole of lunch – you may have noticed that I'm a bit of a pussy – but I was not going to sit idle by as she tried to win over my boyfriend.

While we were getting changed for gym today she not so subtly told me that I was not Jared's 'type' and implied that she most definitely was his 'type'. After gym I of course came up with a million fantastic comebacks, but at the time I didn't say anything.

Did you know that _l'esprit de l'escalier _is the French saying for the feeling you get when you leave a conversation and think of all the things you should have said? There is no translation for this into English. I learnt that today in class. I think that there should be because I get that literally every time I have a confrontation with someone. That's why I'm just no good in arguments. 

The most annoying thing about the chit-chat with Isi was that she didn't do it in an outwardly mean way. She did it in a patronising way, like she felt sorry for me for being so naïve as to think he'd actually like me and she'd somehow 'let' me have him for a little while, but now it was time to claim him back. Her goal for this new school year was apparently something other than bumping up her grades.

I sat down in the only other spare seat, in between Brady and Jacob. Isi sat on the other side of Brady.

Everyone said hello and I tired to pretend that everything was hunky dorey.

Embry, who was on the other side of Jared, offered to swap seats. Usually I would have jumped at the offer but Isi turned, flicking her thick curly hair over her shoulder and gave me The Look.

I politely declined the offer.

Let me explain _The Look._

You will not understand The Look unless you have been to high school. It's what snotty, bitchy girls who think they're superior use on the lower rank girls or the competition. They can be smiling and complimenting you but they'll have The Look in their eyes and you know it's all bullshit. You can tell that inside they're having everyone on. You can tell whatever compliment they're paying you is a lie and that they don't like you. But you can't ever say anything to anyone because they can't see it as The Look wasn't directed at them. To everyone else she's being genuine, kind and sincere. But there's just that glint in their eyes and you know she's faking it and she knows that you know that, yet everyone thinks the sun shines out of her ass.

"I like your hair, Kim, it's really thin."

I wanted to hit her. I wanted to physically cause harm to another human being simply because she complimented my hair.

How is _thin_ a compliment? I hate my hair. I wrote in the last entry that my hair is thin and wispy and you can't do anything with it – and once again, my ex-hairdresser sister Lydia forget to work wonders on it before she left so it's still ugly.

My hair is just another one of the many traits of my life that is boring. Isi's hair fell in thick, loose ringlets around her shoulders, looking soft, shiny and bouncy. She _knew_ she had nicer hair than me. This is just what girls are like when they don't like you. Pretending to be nice is somehow worse than if she just said 'Your hair looks rank today' because there's that infuriating knowledge that everyone thinks she's really sweet and kind when she's actually the devil reincarnated.

"_Thanks,_" I replied.

She smiled and turned back to Jared.

_Jared loves me. He is with me. He is not with Isi anymore. He is my freaking soul mate._

I kept repeating those four sentences over and over in my head like a mantra.

She placed her hand on Jared's forearm and stroked it up and down as she laughed at something Paul said.

The mantra didn't work. I still wanted to hit her.

Jared just started to eat as if nothing happened. He's lovely but he's a bit oblivious at times.

At least that's what I told myself to believe. He's just oblivious. He didn't realize that her incessant touching and giggling and flirty eyes were the beginning of her master plan to win him back. Because if I let myself believe for one moment that he knew this and just let her carry on because he had feelings for her then I'd go mad (if I haven't already driven myself to insanity through over-analysing everything).

"Oh, I miss you so much, Jared," she said in a light, carefree way, smiling and batting her eyelashes at him.

But it wasn't a light, carefree statement. It is the thing that she was planning to say to plant a seed of thought into his mind. So that later he'd go home and think, 'You know what, I really do miss Isi. I haven't spent time with her in ages,' and then he'd be like, 'Oh, Isi, do you want to just hang out?' and she'd be like, 'Yes please Jared that would be oh so lovely,' and then when he's least expecting it she'll pounce on him and then I'll be left alone while he goes off fucking Isi fucking Hurit. Fucking fuck.

You must be thinking that I'm reading into this too much.

I don't know what it is that makes me like this about Jared. I like to think that I was never a very jealous person. When friends did things with others I wasn't jealous, I didn't get upset about it, I understood. Even when Mom bought Jason that car I wasn't _that_ jealous. Sure, I was a bit miffed that he got one when I wasn't going to get one, but I wasn't _jealous. _In fact, it just made me want to pay for my own one even more. I like to do things for myself and not rely on others.

Oh.

I guess that's bullshit now.

I rely on Jared for quite a lot. Like, so much. I don't really do that that often. I've always thought that it's not really a clever idea to have to rely on other people for things.

I've decided I'm going to just blame all of this on him. He's completely turned my brain to shit. How is it he seems to have changed every aspect of my life?

Anyway, back to lunch.

She touched his knee. I could see. I glared at the back of her head. Jared smiled (I like to think awkwardly) and moved his leg away, turning his whole body to talk to Embry. He got massive brownie points for that.

"So, Kim," she said. I hate that she kept saying my name. I hated the _way _she said my name. "You were loads better in Gym today."

The compliments were getting ridiculous. People were going to catch onto her soon.

I hope.

Jared looked over. "Well, better than usual," she laughed and then proceeded to tell Jared and the others about the time I couldn't catch the ball Jaz Phillis threw at me and it smacked me in the face so hard it gave me a nosebleed for the rest of the lesson and I passed out.

Jaz is a girl in our year whose about six foot nine and the strongest female I've ever met. When she throws a ball, she _really _throws a ball. And I also wrote in the last entry that I have the amazing capability to have excruciatingly long nosebleeds. At times they can last for up to an hour without me passing out from loss of blood, but unfortunately this time round the impact of the ball on my head made me even more dizzy and I passed out and had to be sent home. She laughed and told the story as if we were best buddies. She looked at me in a patronising way and then she giggled up at Jared, who was looking a bit horrified.

Great.

Paul laughed loudly and I kicked him in the shins under the table. It probably hurt me a lot more than it did him but I didn't care because at least it shut him up.

I waited until the conversation moved onto something else before I stood up.

I couldn't stand being around her and watching her looking at Jared like that. I just couldn't handle it. I know I said that I wasn't going to sit idle by as she stole my boyfriend, but I'm still a pussy. Or I was gonna break something, and it would probably be her nose. Her straight, perfect little nose.

Oh, for God's sake! She even has a nicer nose than I do! Mine's just way too wide for my face. I've literally no clue as to why the hell Jared would chose me over her other than the fact that she's a bitch.

"I'm gonna go get a bottle of water," I told Jared when he looked up at me. He started to stand, smiling.

"Okay, I'll go wi–"

Paul put his hand on his shoulder and pushed him down, having already risen from his seat. "I'll go with her. I need to get some more food."

Jared frowned and went to say something but Paul took my elbow and pulled me off without another word.

Paul bought an orange – our school are doing a 'healthy' week… the boys are far from impressed – and a bottle of water for me. I tried to protest but he told me to shut up, pushed it into my hands and then pulled me outside the cafeteria and down the hall. He pretended it was because he wanted to peel the stupid orange over the bin but there were bins in the hall.

"So, what's up with you and Isi?" he asked as he struggled to start off the orange.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, little Kimmy, I can spot a death glare a mile off," he said, grinning, but still couldn't break into the orange with his massive fumbling fingertips.

I sighed because as much as I love to watch him struggle, I had a feeling this could go on for a while. I took the orange off of him and started peeling it.

"My hands are clean," I told him.

"Thanks. Now… Isi?"

I focused on the orange. "I honestly don't know what –"

"You're jealous, aren't you?" he interrupted, smirking.

"No!" I spluttered.

His eyebrows rose. I hate how so many people seem to just read me like a book.

I shrugged and chucked the peelings into the bin and shoved the orange into his hand. He grinned as he popped a few segments into his mouth.

"Why?" he asked. "You know Jared loves you."

I shrugged again and crossed my arms defensively. "She pretty much told me she made it her goal to bang him by the end of the year."

He laughed and finished off the orange, leaning against the wall. I don't see the point of him even eating an orange. It's too small. He'd probably only feel any difference if he ate a crate full of them.

"Oh come on, Kim," he said. "You know Jared wouldn't do that."

"No, no, I know he wouldn't…"

"But…" he prompted.

"I don't trust her. And it's not nice having the entire female population at this school trying to bed your boyfriend."

"Don't be stupid," he said. "The entire female population of this school want to fuck _me, _not Jared. I've got a far better six pack and a much bigger co–"

The door swung open and Jared stepped out, cutting Paul off. I glared at Paul and Jared walked up to us, wrapping his arm around me. "What are you two talking about out here?"

"The Pleasure Machine," Paul informed him.

"What are you talking about Paul's dick for?" Jared asked, frowning down at me in confusion and alarm.

I frowned back at him in equal confusion and double the amount of alarm. "How do _you_ know that he calls it that?"

Maybe it's not just Isi I should be worried about…

Jared rolled his eyes. "You know we have that thought sharing thing," he said and I was still a little worried.

"Yeah but why are you thinking about _that_?"

"You can't control your thoughts, can you? It's not your fault if you think of something, it just happens."

"Yeah and I think about The Pleasure Machine an awful lot," Paul informed me.

"Delightful," I said dryly and he pulled that sarcastic 'I hate you' smile at me. I shot him another glare.

The bell went and Jared sighed, taking my hand. "Come on."

"I still can't believe you call it '_The Pleasure Machine'_," I said as Paul traipsed behind us. He shrugged and grinned while Jared laughed as if it was hilarious. I really do not understand those two.

They walked me to my class, Jared kissed me and then they carried on walking to their next class. I could still hear them talking about more delightfully crude things as I shut the door to my classroom.

Getting closer to all of the pack is lovely, but it does mean that they care less and less about what they talk about in front of me. It seems that I have been fully integrated into the group and I'm now seen thoroughly as 'one of the boys'. I adore each and every one of them and I love spending time with them and being a part of their group, but I have to say it's nice to spend some time with the girls after I've spent a whole day surrounded by a large group of guys who still like to tell fart and dick jokes.

Anyway, after school today Jared went to one of his many arrays of extra curricular sport activities. On the first day back he went and saw the head of our gym department about wanting to get a scholarship. Mr. Timbers didn't really take him seriously until he made him run laps for like an hour after school and well, lets just say he was impressed. Jared of course didn't do it to his full ability. I mean, he can't turn around and run at his full speed, breaking world records, so he's basically doing a jog, yet has to pretend to really pant and struggle through it. I think it's something that he'll get used to over time and eventually it'll come more naturally, but it's definitely something that he has to do. It's crucial that noone cottons on or starts to take too much of an interest. He has to be good enough for them to stop and think, 'Hmm, he's actually really good,' but not too good that he'd risk exposing the pack.

We've been back at school for four days now and he's done something every day after school because he's got to find out what he's good at. Some of the other guys were discussing doing the same, getting into sport now for the chance of a scholarship but as soon as they realised how much work they had to put in they weren't really bothered, apart from Brady and Seth, who don't really have a lot of patrolling to do (Sam doesn't want the younger wolves to miss too much school) and were into sport before they phased anyway.

It's going to be a lot to do and I'm not really sure if he's going to be able to pull it off. The guys have missed quite a bit of school and having to juggle schoolwork, patrolling and his training is going to be difficult. Andy, who at first was as terrified of Jared as I was of Paul, actually quite likes him now, so he's offered to help him with other subjects not just Math as a sort of joint study session. Andy's such a lovely guy.

So, while Jared being off doing sport means I won't spend as much time with him, it does me that I can spend time with my other friends without having to worry about one or the other feeling like I've ditched them.

The girls, Oli, Cameron, Luis and Dan seem to be quite pleased with me. When Michele got a boyfriend last year we didn't even see her for about three months, then they split up and now you can't even mention his name. I think I've managed to balance everyone quite well. Like, if I've made plans with one of them and the other asks to do something, I won't chose which one I'd rather spend time with, unlike what Lucy is like. If we've organised to do something and her stupid idiot of a boyfriend (he doesn't even deserve that title) asks her to go round then she'll drop everything and run to his aid. It's _very _annoying.

I think it's different for me though because I know I'll be with Jared forever and if I don't put the effort in to see my friends then I'll lose them forever.

I'm seeing Emily a lot too. She's really easy to get on with. As for my relationship with Leah… well, I'm more of a mediator between her and everyone else. I'm not really sure where she and Emily stand. I mean, they're cousins and they were best friends too, but hen someone so close to you steals your fiancé it's a bit hard to just forget, even if you know that they didn't really have a choice. It's difficult for Leah to spend time around them and I've noticed how she turns into real Bitch Leah mode whenever they start sending each other the adoration-filled gazes. The guys all get ratty too then, so I'm usually the one who has to try and calm them all down. While I now count Emily as one of my very close friends, I can't help but think she should keep the love levels on the minimum setting whenever Leah is within hearing distance. I know better than anyone how hard it is to keep your hands off your imprint, but I hate everyone getting pissed with Leah when I know it's more of a retaliation or her trying to cover up her vulnerability than her actually wanting to upset anyone. I try not to choose sides, though. Like I said, I'm more the mediator type.

Anyway, Jared was at football trials today, I think, and came back to mine a bit exhausted. He had patrol until quite late last night – or rather, early this morning – and considering he then had to get up so early for school and was busy non-stop today, I think he had every reason to fall asleep on me about five minutes after he came into my room. I didn't even get a chance to ask him how it went.

We were on my bed, I was lying down and his face was pressed into my stomach, his arm draped over my hips. I spent a while running my fingers through his hair and stroking his soft skin and I think I might have dozed off to the sound of his very heavy breathing a few times, but then unfortunately I needed to go to the bathroom. This type of stuff doesn't happen in romance movies or books. They just sit there all cuddled up and cute but oh no, I have to have a stupid bladder.

I tried to gently roll him off me but after a while of struggling I realized it was no use, he was out like a light. I tried to wiggle out but his arm just curled around me tightly. I managed to slide out but his fingers coiled around my top.

After I delicately pried his fingers off and strugged for a while, I managed to get out without waking him up. I had to be a bit more forceful than I'd planned but he didn't even stir so it didn't matter in the end. I stood next to my bed and stared down at this big oaf of a man, sleeping like a baby.

He mumbled something as he fidgeted, the arm that was around me folded in underneath him and then he faintly whispered my name, frowning. I froze and bit my lip.

He sighed and grumbled in that sleepy way. "Love… Kim," he murmured under his breath and fidgeted again, his mouth hanging open.

"Aww," a giggle escaped my lips and I had to cover my mouth with my hand. I was pretty sure he dribbled.

"I love," he mumbled as he buried his face in my pillow, "Kim."

Covering my face with my other hand, I managed to hold in the snort of laughter. I wiped the drool off his face, grinning, and he mumbled something incoherent. He seems to do the littlest things that make me love him so much more. He's this massive six-foot werewolf and he's mumbling cute little things in his sleep.

On my way out of the room I suddenly remembered way back to before my birthday and grabbed my diary, going back and then copying out the little message that he wrote which I stuck in, whilst I squirmed with my legs crossed because I really did need to pee.

'_I now know what I'm buying you for your birthday: a massive roll of duct tape so that at night you can keep your mouth shut. Did you know you talk in your sleep? Not that I mind, I think it's quite cute when you say my name in your sleep. _

_Sweet dreams,_

_Kim_

_xxx'_

I left it by his hand and sneaked out, giggling.

He's such a sweetheart. Sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself because he's just too cute.

It's things like that which make me so confused as to why the hell Mom doesn't think he's the most perfect guy in the world. You'd of thought that with the whole Lydia/Richard thing she'd have gotten better but if anything it's made her even touchier about the subject. I really don't fucking understand it. If anything she should just be glad that I'm actually dating someone whose my age and not a paedophile!

I don't even care. I've given up. She'll come round eventually when she realises what a blind idiot she's been. By the time Lydia had left Scott had warmed up to Rich a bit more. He's a really lovely bloke when you get to know him, but I think it's going to take a bit more convincing for Scott to be happy about the whole situation.

This would all be so much easier if we could just tell my mom about imprinting and all of that. It's annoying but I guess I understand that we can't go around telling everyone we want to. Pluss, God knows how she'd react at my boyfriend being a werewolf.

On the way back I poked my head back in my room to find him awake. He was glaring at me.

"Cheeky. Little. Bitch."

I was set off into another laughing fit.

"Get over here right now," he ordered playfully and I shook my head.

He pointed to the empty space next to him. "Get back here right now, Kimberley Conweller, or you'll be in even deeper trouble."

I laughed and rolled my eyes at him, but I scurried over to the bed anyway. He pulled me on top of him, still glaring.

"I do not talk in my sleep," he declared as I sat on top of him, smiling widely.

"Yeah you did."

"No, I dont."

"Mmm," I pretended to think about it. "I'm pretty sure you did."

"No, I didn't," he insisted. "I don't talk in my sleep. That's you."

"Oh… Kim… I love you so much, Kim. Mmm. Oh, Kim, you're the love of my life," I mimicked through my giggles. Yeah, I exaggerated a bit, but he's not to know that, is he?

His nostrils flared and he flipped us over, glaring into my eyes as he pressed his forehead against mine.

"Liar."

I shook my head and he growled. "You just can't accept it. You're in sleep-talking denial."

He shifted his body weight, still looking at me playfully angry.

"What were you dreaming about?" I asked and he buried his face in neck, groaning. "You were drooling so it must have been a nice dream." I giggled and squirmed as he blew a raspberry on my neck.

"You're so immature!" I shouted and tried to push him off but he wouldn't budge.

"I hate you," he simply replied before starting to kiss and gently nibble on the same spot of my neck.

I grinned down at him. "_You don't hate me_," I said, mimicking what he told me the other week. He stopped his assault on my neck and looked up at me, his eyes narrowing. _"You love me _so_ much that sometimes you get angry with how perfect I am and you get frustrated with the uncontrollable love you have for me. You misinterpret this for hate when it overwhelms you._"

His mouth hung open.

"Wow, Jared," I said, smiling up at him. "I was always annoyed at how much you made fun of me but – _wow. _This really is very enjoyable!"

He sat up and tried to move away. "I can't even be around you right now. You're so annoying."

I laughed loudly and pulled him back. "Aww, I'm sorry, baby, did I hurt your feelings?" I said in an annoyingly cutesy voice.

He pushed me back down and hovered over me. "Please stop talking," he said although he was having trouble fighting down his smile. "I can feel myself falling out of love with you," he joked.

I ran my fingers through his hair again and tried to bring him closer.

"I love you."

He didn't reply to me, just narrowed his eyes again. I tugged his hair gently.

"I love you," I repeated.

He shook his head.

"_Jared!_" I moaned. "Why won't you love me back?"

"Shut the hell up," he laughed and lowered his mouth to mine.

"I guess I love you too," he replied after a pretty long and hot make out session, by which time I couldn't even remember what the hell we were fake-bickering about.

I just smiled and nodded, redirecting his mouth back to where it belonged.

Kim Conweller

P.S. Granny Anne had to have a memory test with the doctor and apparently she has the begining stages of Alzheimers. Grandad doesn't ever show it but I know he's upset about it. Both her and Mom had children late so she'd quite an old grandmothe and it wasn't really a surprise. I think we all knew it was coming because she's got a lot worse lately.

When I took Jared to go see her she asked us if we wanted a drink about four times. When we left she apologized for not offering us a drink. I called her the day after and she asked when I was coming round because I hadn't seen her in a few months.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading, please leave a review with your thoughts on the chapter, whether it's good or bad :)<strong>

**Sorry it took a while to get up, it seemed every time I edited this and added/deleted bits I'd hit the wrong button and it would go back to the last page, deleting all the changes I'd just made. This happened about six times and I'm not very patient so I had to leave it and come back later in the end!**

LiViNgStRoNgLy - **Thank you so much for another lovely review! I'm really glad that you liked the bits about everything else as it as you seem to be the only one who doesn't just want the cute Kim/Jared moments. Whilst I love writing the little fluffy bits the best, I think that there would be a bit more than that in a teenage girls diary so I'm glad you think it makes it more realistic :) Thank you for writing detailed responses, I love reply to them! And thank you for being patient as I know I haven't been as quick on updating as I was a the start, but I've become unexpectidly busy lately. Thanks again! **

To the unnamed anonymous reviewer -** Thank you, whoever you are! I'm trying to balance it all so there's enough for everyone so ****I'm really you like it :) **


	27. August 29

_August 29_

Dear Diary,

Gran is on these drugs that are supposed to delay the symptoms of Alzheimer's. I didn't really understand how it would work so, like always, I spent the whole day looking up symptoms, treatment and stories of other people with different kinds of dementia. I have thus, thoroughly scared myself shitless.

I'm sure she'll be fine. You'd understand if you knew her, she doesn't let anything faze her. She'll be fine. She's got Gramps and he'll always take care of her. Who cares if she forgets a few things every now and then…

She'll be fine. I just know it. She's too strong.

Anyway, it's about three in the morning and I only got in about an hour ago.

I know, how reckless of me – and it's a school night, no less!

I'm only kidding about the reckless bit. Sort of.

Not really, actually. I was pretty terrified about the whole ordeal. Sure, it's not robbing a bank or anything but for my standards, it's pretty damn reckless.

I can't sleep, whether it's from the adrenaline – yeah, yeah, I'm a nerd, get over it – or from worrying over Granny Anne, or from my uncontrollable love for Jared; I'm not sure, but I couldn't sleep so I thought I might as well sit and write. I always seem to write at the most awkward of times, but it's just very therapeutic.

So, as always, I'll start from the beginning. And again, as always, it's all Jared's fault.

It was lunch and we were just standing in an empty hallway while everyone was outside in the extremely rare sun. They're making the most of it because we're going into colder weather soon and it's pretty much rain and snow from there on out. Jared and I don't really care that much, we spend a lot of time outside when we're walking Zain so it's not a big deal.

"Will you accompany me to the beach tonight?" Jared asked as his fingers gently stroked up my neck. He smiled, while I squirmed at the feather-light touches on my already sensitive skin.

"Okay," I said, reaching up to press my lips to his.

"Everyone's going to be there, Billy's telling the legends again. It'll be the first time Quil hears them. Oh, and Jacob's bringing Bella."

"The girl who likes it with the dead?"

"Shh," he said, laughing as he pressed his face against my cheek. "What if someone hears you saying that?"

I suppose I should be a bit more careful. Everyone already thinks the guys are a bit weird, so add in that Jake has a friend who's into necrophilia then, the rumours will never stop.

"Plus, I don't think Jacob would like to hear that," he warned.

Jacob somehow managed to tell Bella, what he is without having to actually say it – Sam pulled the little Alpha command shit so he couldn't spill the beans - so now, he's allowed to spend time with her.

He's been happier now. Emily met her and said she's nice. A bit shy. Doesn't smile that much either apparently, although if my boyfriend ran off and left me alone, I wouldn't smile much either, even if he was a vampire.

"Anyway, I'll be at yours for seven-ish, and afterwards, I thought we could go for a little walk on the beach at night?"

I grinned and nodded, pinching his dimpled cheek. "Aww, aren't you a little romantic?"

He leant in closer and started to press soft kisses along my jaw, his deep, husky chuckle ringing in my ears.

"If you want to think so, sure. I was just going to find a nice log, in private, that we could fool around on."

I shoved him because he knows I hate the term 'fool around'.

I will admit now that making out has progressed to touching under clothes. And underwear. We haven't had sex, but, I'm pretty sure I'm like ninety-four percent there. Although it's not sex, what we do doesn't feel like 'fooling around'. Everything with Jared is passionate and intense; it's not some meaningless action of sticking your hands down a stranger's pants.

Plus, even if you'd only just met the person, you shouldn't see any form of sexual activity as meaningless. Even just making out should be something significant. It should be because you feel something for them, not just because you're a horny teenager desperate to get off.

Although, having said that, Jared and I do act like horny teenagers desperate to get off, most of the time. Jared wasn't completely joking when he mentioned the need to try and find a private place. I mean, parents are only out for so long - Jared's mom and my step-dad both only work part time – and it's not as if there's anywhere else you can go.

Momma Thail has walked in on us making out way too many times, I'm not going to risk getting caught in the middle of doing something much worse. I don't think she'd think we're so cute after that.

Ugh!

I can't believe I'm writing about this in my diary. I sound like such a horndog.

If I ever show anyone this, I'm proofreading it and taking out all the sex references. And I'll probably have to take out anything to do with Jared being a werewolf.

Oh dear.

This really wouldn't make any sense at all.

I wonder if by the time I have grandchildren this whole werewolf thing will have blown over. I can't imagine what it would be like if it all kicked up again. It's bad enough knowing that Jared is putting himself in danger night after night. To have to go through all that again...

"Jared…?" I asked slowly.

He sighed and closed his eyes. "What do you want now?"

I gaped at him, appalled at the tone of his voice. "What? Nothing!"

He looked back at me and raised an eyebrow. "Really? You only say my name like that when you want something." I bit my lip guiltily. "Mmm,  
>thought so."<p>

Jared's not very happy with me because I had to break it to him today that Lydia has decided that before her wedding she wants to go on a pamper retreat with her bridesmaids and a few other close friends.

I was super wicked excited until I found out it's going to be quite a while away and I am not permitted at any time to leave. Jared's invited to the wedding but that's not 'til Sunday and I leave early Friday morning, which means I will have to go two whole days without seeing him. He's obviously not going to say 'Stay with me instead', but he pouted quite a bit, so I don't think he's looking forward to it.

"It's not a _thing_ that I want, it's just a little bit of help…" I said. He pushed my hair off my face and nodded. "You know how you jump out of my window so easily?" He nodded again but slower this time, confused.

"Do you think you could jump out _with_ me?"

"No."

"Oh, please, Jared!"

He groaned. "Why do you want to jump out of windows, Kim?" he asked in exasperation, rubbing a hand over his face.

"It's just Mom's being a bit funny with how much I've been going out and with how late I've been coming home… I'm just thinking it would be a bit easier if she didn't perhaps know about me going out every now and then."

"_Well, I never,"_ Paul said, faking a look of shock as he joined us at my locker. I should have known he'd turn up. He seems to just come out of the woodwork whenever an opportunity to make fun of me occurs.

"Kim Conweller, sneaking out? Jared, you've well and truly corrupted her."

I glared at him. "Shut up."

He grinned. "Go on, Jared. Let her release her wild side for the night before she goes back to being Miss Straight-A-Student tomorrow."

I turned to Jared. "I don't like your friends much."

Paul laughed loudly as Jared pulled me into him, kissing my forehead.

"I suppose if I jump out with you it'll be alright. You won't get hurt so, yes."

I grinned and jumped up to kiss his cheek. "Thank you!"

Then my eyes widened as I had another idea. Jared groaned and Paul laughed again. I swear all he does is laugh or take the piss.

"Actually, Jared, I think I've changed my mind." He just pretended to be fed up and shook his head at me. "Can I jump and you catch?"

Jared turned to Paul. "See what you've done? This is your fault, Paul. Putting 'wild' ideas into her head. You're the one whose had a bad influence on her, not me."

I pulled at his arm. "Please, Jared! That would be so much fun!"

He sighed as Paul smirked. "We'll see," he said and took my hand. "Come on, I need some food."

Paul grinned and winked at me as we followed after Jared.

So, it was _my_ idea. I wanted it to be like this, but when it actually got to the time Jared was coming to pick me up, I was panicking. Badly.

While Paul talked about it like it was no big deal, to me it was. He may sneak out every night for patrolling, but I've never sneaked out in my life. I've never even thought about it. If my Mom didn't want me to go out, then I didn't. I rarely wanted to do the things that my Mom didn't want me to do, so I've never been in this predicament. If Mom found out the result would be… catastrophic. I'd be dead.

I would be grounded for the rest of my life and I'm pretty sure I'd be banned from seeing Jared. And one of the things I'd be most scared of is her disappointment. I'm not that type of girl. I'm not the type of person who gets a thrill from breaking rules or being rebellious.

But I can't go without seeing Jared for as long as she wants me to and she's been getting so pissy about everything. She thinks I'm slacking at school and accounts that to Jared's role in my life. It's just stupid, she honestly has no clue. But I don't like arguing with her so it's just easier if I have to go behind her back about it. I'm just scared because I'm not really used to it. I wish she'd just understand me. I guess that's just because we're not very close.

Even though I'm panicking, I think I've covered all possible angles of failure. I pretended to have a really bad migraine all afternoon and then told Mom that I was going to retire to bed early, and asked her not to check in because I really just wanted to get some sleep. She probably wouldn't have come in anyway, but just in case I have also scrunched up my covers with clothes underneath so it looks like there's a body there, and for the first time ever the rank hair extensions my step-sister Lydia gave me to thicken out my hair have come into use as I've spent a good half hour strategically placing them so that if Mom does come in it'll look like I'm asleep. I hope she doesn't try wake me up. Or if there's a fire. Oh god.

To say I worry is an understatement. I tried to convince myself that it would be fine. The chances of there being a fire or her needing to wake me up are slim.

However, I was on the brink of telling Jared to just forget the whole plan and go crying to Mom about what I was planning on doing while I stood in my room, waiting for Jared to arrive.

It was rather thrilling, though.

I know some people who sneak out, even though, if they'd asked their parents they'd be fine with it. I can sort of understand why people do it, but after a while surely it just gets boring?

Unfortunately, no matter how prepared I was, I still nearly blew it all when Jared jumped up through my window. I very nearly screamed the house down. I was a bit on edge, to say the least.

He muffled his laughter and held his arm out.

"Won't you let me jump?" I whispered and he bit his lip.

"Next time."

I smiled because although since he read my diary he's been less protective in the way that I felt like he cared _for_ me rather than about me, he's still a bit or a worry-wart when it comes to my safety.

I think it's toned down a bit because he's more relaxed, which is weird because I always thought I was the one who was the stress-head. But, I think there's a certain amount of protectiveness that he'll never grow out of. And a little bit is fine. He's not trying to shove food down my gob just because I miss a meal, so it's not over the top like it was starting to get.

He gently picked me up, wrapping my legs around his waist.

"Are you sure you don't want to just walk out the front door?" he asked quietly.

I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his neck, smiling. He sighed and pecked me on the lips before he slowly and carefully climbed out the windowsill and stood on the ledge, holding onto the wall.

I took one look down and closed my eyes.

Yeah, I admit it – I'm a pussy! Who cares? The thought of jumping out of the window makes me a little bit frightened. Heights always look much bigger when you look vertically down at it.

"Ready?" he murmured softly as he closed the window, leaving it partially open for when we return and still carefully managing to hold us up. I nodded, trying to act nonchalant, like I wasn't holding down the urge to throw up or wet myself.

I swear I heard him laugh. I was about to tell him off when he pushed away from my windowsill.

We landed as if he's just done a little hop, rather than jumping out of the window of a two-story building. It was over so quickly it was as if it were nothing. Sure, I might have practically strangled him in the process but apart from that, it all went quite well. I didn't scream, and I think that was a rather great accomplishment.

"Jumping up is harder."

I glared at him and he smiled, kissing me again. "Come on," he said, putting me down on my feet and taking my hand, running into the trees before Mom looked out the window and caught us before I'd even left.

"Still want to jump out by yourself?" he asked as we got into the safe cover of the trees and slowed down to a walk.

I glared at him. He turned and smirked at me with unsympathetic eyes.

"Okay, so _maybe_ it was a bit scarier than I'd anticipated. But, come on, how often do us mere mortals jump out of windows?"

Jared smiled and shook his head. "_Chicken."_

"No I am not!"

His eyebrows rose. "Yeah. Right. Okay, Kim. Whatever you say."

I shoved him and he started to fight with me. Don't worry, this isn't an abusive relationship or anything, it was just pretend. His knuckles were more like a caress on my skin, rather than a punch. We fake wrestled until we fell to the floor.

I flung my head back, out of breath. Fake fighting is hard work.

Jared lounged across me, staring down at me.

"I can't believe you're leaving me for a whole weekend," he mumbled.

I smiled sadly, catching my breath. "Come on, it'll be over before you know it."

If I asked Jared nicely enough I think he'd probably travel down to the hotel we're staying at – you'll never guess whose paying for this spa/pamper getaway... two hints: Sugar. Daddy.

When I stop to think about it, maybe it will actually do us some good to be away from each other. I mean, we can't go the rest of our lives without having to go off and do things separately for a little while so we're going to have to get used to it at some point.

Jared doesn't seem to share my thoughts as he continued with his silly little pout.

"It'll be good for us. You can go hang out with your friends."

"But whose going to fill my head with boring nerdy facts?" he asked sadly.

"I can call you both nights," I compromised. "And in the morning. And whenever else I'm not busy."

"But whose going to give me cute little kisses?" he said, only comforted a little bit.

"Paul?" I suggested.

The sad look on his face disappeared in an instant, a scowl on his features.

"What did you say?" he whispered, his eyes narrowed into thin slits.

I pretended I didn't hear what he said I buried down the need to laugh. I pushed him off me and stood up. I took hold of his hand, pulled him up and started to walk quickly.

"Come on. We need to hurry up or we'll miss it all."

He span me around. "Why does everyone always think we're gay?" he moaned seriously.

The laughter bubbling up inside me burst and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Aww, Jared, I'm sure they don't."

"No, a few people really do think that. It's quite a popular rumour around school now."

I giggled into his chest as he ran his hands up and down my back, ending on my waist.

"You're not a very good girlfriend, Kimberley," he sighed. "I think you should be more sympathetic."

I looked up and smiled at him, not even making the effort to fake sympathy.

"Why won't everyone understand that you're the only person I'll ever want to kiss?"

The breath left my lungs and I nearly started singling and dancing and flailing around. He's so sweet.

"Jared, I love you so much." He went to open his mouth, probably to moan again or something. "Kiss me."

He shrugged and complied.

We had to break it up though because I'd feel rude turning up late to the little bonfire reading. Annoyingly enough, by the time we got there we were one of the first there so we had to get some logs and twigs and shit to start off the fire. We may have gotten a bit distracted along the way but we got it done in the end. And we got a very nice log to sit on too.

It was a really nice night. Even though I'd already heard the stories of our tribe, I adored hearing them again. I could listen to Billy recite them over and over and never get bored. Also, I think being out in the night, next to a fire, surrounded by what I knew were real life werewolves really added to the magic of it all. It's weird to think when I first heard them I thought they were myths. Now they're our history… they're our past and they're our present, too.

I got my first glimpse of Bella – the girl who wants to get jiggy with vampires – with Jacob. Emily was right when she said she doesn't seem to smile a lot… I mean, there are probably plenty of girls who would smile if they had the chance to hang around with Jake, because one, he's freaking hilarious and two, he's freaking good looking.

She's really pretty, though. And everyone likes people for different reasons, so unlike Leah, I'm not going to go bitching about her. Sure, I think she's probably just stringing him along, but I'm sure he'll be fine in the end.

I also met Quil's granddad, also named Quil, who has such a laugh. I thought he was just going to be a grumpy old git because that's what he looks like, but he comes out with the most hilarious – albeit, still grumpy – remarks. There's definitely a little bit of the same thing Quil Junior has shining in his eyes.

But most of the time I devoted my full attention to watching Billy Black talk. I can't help but feel enthralled by it all. I mean, I'm part of that now.

Jared didn't spend too much time watching Billy though, he spent most of it staring at me and making me blush and look away like an idiot. Hopefully everyone will account the redness of my cheeks from the fire. Apart from the light it gave off, it wasn't really necessary. It was freezing but I was cuddled up nicely into his side.

"You know, Jared, sometimes it's not too bad having you for a boyfriend," I said as I slid my cold fingers through his, Billy having finished his enthralling stories.

He brought my hands up to his mouth, gently kissing them. "I was just thinking the exact same thing about you." I looked up at him. "But then you opened your mouth and started talking again and then that thought just disappeared."

I couldn't even pretend to be annoyed at him, I just couldn't help but laugh as I leant into him, almost falling asleep as I stared lazily into the fire.

"I've decided," I told him, tilting my head up to look at his face. "That we make fun of each other far too much. We should stop and just be nice to each other."

His nose crinkled.

"Eww, Kim. That would be so boring."

"You couldn't go two days without making fun of me, could you?"

"Nope. And I'm not even taking that bet. I do not want to be one of those cutesy couples that are just nothing but nice all the time."

"Jared, you're like the most cutesy man I've ever met."

He opened his mouth to disagree but Paul clapped him on the shoulder, taking a seat on our log.

"Sorry, man, but I agree with her."

They then spent the next half an hour bickering before finally remembering that I was there and including me in a conversation that wasn't just the usual,

_"You're a dick."_

_"No, you're the dick."_

_"You're a much bigger dick than I am."_

_"No, I've _got_ a much bigger dick that you do."_

Yeah.

It's nice to know how much these pack brothers care about each other.

We waited 'til people started to go before we said our goodbyes and went off down the other side of the beach.

He wrapped his arms around me from behind and we walked awkwardly but in a very comfortable silence for a while.

Jared kissed the top of my head and then buried his face in my hair, breathing deeply. We didn't talk much but we didn't really need to. After quite a beautiful night there wasn't really much else left to say.

Even though Mom didn't know I was out, I didn't want to stay out too late so unfortunately we eventually had to go back.

I turned around when we were at my house, underneath my window, to face Jared. He kissed me softly.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow," he whispered and left.

_"Jared!_" I hissed, grabbing at him desperately.

I genuinely believed that he was going to just leave me standing outside my house all night – until the morning, when Mom would find me and then I'd be grounded for the rest of my life.

Luckily he was just being an idiot and turned back around, muffling his laughter.

He then somehow managed to lift me up and use the tree next to my house to climb us both up and onto my window ledge. I was surprised it didn't just snap right off because neither of us are the lightest of people. Especially Jared, muscle is denser than fat so he must be incredibly heavy. He carefully manoeuvred us through my window and gently placed me on the floor.

I took a deep breath.

"Jesus. Sometimes you act like freaking Spiderman," I whispered. He shook his head and tried not to laugh.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he murmured quietly, cupping my cheek and kissing me with enough passion that I really didn't want him to climb back out of that window. But unfortunately, he did.

And since then I've done pretty much nothing.

I can't wait till we eventually get to live on our own. I can't help but think about it all. I wonder where our first place would be. We'll probably get somewhere after our first year at uni, if we go – which I'm now pretty sure we will. I think Jared's got himself into that determined frame of mind that even if he didn't get a scholarship, he'd still end up going. I'm actually pretty excited about it.

It's incredibly daunting but I think I'd really love the independence of it all. Plus, I can't wait to get out of here. I'm in the frame of mind now that I'm just ready to be treated like an adult, even if I don't act like it, but I don't really get that from my mom at the moment.

Right. I'm going to go try and sleep again.

Good night and sweet dreams, my beloved Diary,

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry it took a bit of a while to update, I hope you guys liked it :) Thanks for reading and to those taking the time to review. Unfortunately I'm off for a week (I swear I'm not usually this busy!) so I won't be able to write the chapter for a while but I promise I have some nice interesting things planned for this story so please stick with it.<br>**

**Also, thank you to the wonderful **Nerdette Love **for Beta-ing this!**

Sazdestar - **Thank you so much! One of the main things that I want this story to be is realistic, so you saying that really means a lot. I'm glad you like it :)  
><strong>


	28. October 23

_October 23_

Dear Diary,

_SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL HOLE! _

The wedding is rapidly approaching and my stepsister has turned into a monster. This weekend away was supposed to be relaxing and pampering… I've only been here a day and I already feel more stressed out than ever before. Even just getting down here was frustrating beyond belief.

I don't know why she's given herself such a short time to organise this wedding, but it's been chaos. Apparently the place which is about five minutes away from where we are now, is her dream place to get married in but it only had a free booking for this Saturday or in about two years, so of course she chose now, and now she's regretting it. I don't see why she couldn't just get married somewhere else, but never mind that now.

The most annoying thing at the moment are the other bridesmaids. Lydia's friends are freaking bitchy bimbos. I feel like I'm the mother supervising a punch of twelve year olds. I was originally worrying about being the only under-twenty here but I needn't have worried about feeling too young, instead, however, I feel like the grumpy chaperone. I mean, I thought I was becoming less boring but instead I'm feeling like the most boring person in the world. And it's not even as if they're just being petty, they're actually all quite spiteful to each other. I thought people grew out of that bitchy school girl phase when they graduated, but apparently not. So I don't even have that to look forward to when I get out of the shitty school back at La Push.

I don't understand why Lydia's so panicky, either. Sure, I can't talk because if it were me I'd be a nervous wreck, but she is going _seriously _crazy.

We got here and started to unpack – the journey down was bad enough... there was a lot of crying and whining; let's leave it at that – but all hell broke loose when Lydia realized that she'd forgotten to pack her favorite shampoo and conditioner. Her friends didn't exactly help the situation either, they just kept going on and on about how she used to be a hairdresser and therefore couldn't have a wedding with shitty hair, causing her to start crying hysterically. Noone seemed to remember that we passed a store about ten minutes drive before we got here, and that we could most likely get it from there. I dread to think about what it will be like when we finally get around to the ceremony.

Oh dear Lord. I'm really not looking forward to this anymore.

So I was stressed beyond belief and needing some reassurance so that I wasn't going to lose by mind. Guess what I did to unwind from my stress? I called my loving, caring boyfriend Jared because I thought it would be nice and helpful.

"I still can't believe you left me," he grumbled on the other end of the line as soon as he picked up. No 'hello'. No 'how are you?'. No 'how are you still coping after being taken away by Bridezilla and her airhead best friends?'.

I left early Thursday morning and it's hasn't even been a day yet, but I already feel like there's an aching hole in my chest.

I blew a raspberry down the phone because I'm a nice, mature adult, and slipped into my bed and under the covers. "At least it's only one more day!" I said as I laid down, content to just hear the sound of his voice.

"That's just not good enough. I'm already going insane."

"I miss you too," I replied, smiling at his fake angry tone.

"None of the guys understand. They've been so annoying."

"Aww, have they been mean to you, Jared?"

"Shut up."

I smiled and rolled over, curling up under the sheets and extra blanket. It's always weird hearing his voice but yet still being cold.

"I'll see you in, like, thirty-six hours," I murmured softly. "You'll probably sleep through most of it."

"Sleeping won't erase the pain you've put me through." I could imagine the pout that he was no doubt pulling.

"And what would I be able to do to erase that pain, Jared?"

It was silent for a moment. "Well, I'm sure I could think of a few things…" he said 'innocently'.

"You're a horny, sneaky little piece of shit, you know that?"

"Oh, Kimmy! I'm hurt and upset and now you're just insulting me! You are not the girl I fell in love with!"

I smiled. "Oh, is that so?"

"Yes. You're mean."

"Poor little Jared," I said sarcastically. "_You're_ not the one who's had to endure Lydia and the evil idiotic cronies."

"Did they make you dress up?"

"Yes. They're all just so _annoying. _I didn't know you could even be so annoying. They've hit new records."

"What did they make you wear?"

"I'm not telling you."

He groaned. "Oh please tell me what the bridesmaid dress looks like? I'll be seeing it the day after next, anyway."

"Well, then it just means you don't have much longer to wait to see it."

He huffed and then the phone went quite for a bit. He and his mother had been trying to get it out of me for a while what color the bridesmaid dress is. Their bet is pink. But no, it's worse than that. Much worse.

"…What are you wearing now?" he asked in that same 'innocent' voice.

"Jared! Shut up!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Jeez…"

I laughed and closed my eyes.

"I've really missed you. You and your laugh," he said softly. "I feel stupid admitting it. I mean, you only left this morning but I'm already feeling like I'm missing a part of myself."

"Me too..." I bit my lip. It was even harder to sit watching Lydia try on her wedding dress for the gazillionth time today, when all I was thinking about how far away Jared was. "I know I shouldn't say this but I'd much rather have just stayed at home with you."

"Come home now. Spend the night at mine in my arms."

"Don't," I groaned. "You know I would. Lyds would kill me."

"I promise to protect you?" he bargained.

"No. She'd never forgive me. You'll just have to stick it out a little while longer."

"I'm pulling an adorable sad face right now and you're not even here to see it!"

I laughed. "Save it for later and I might make it up to you."

"Don't say that Kim, because we probably have two very different ideas of what 'I'll make it up to you' means."

"I don't think we do…"

I fiddled with the sheets and bit my lip. "So," I said, taking a breath and trying to change the subject. Because I was trying to hint to him something that he probably wouldn't believe I was thinking. I'm just not good at this. "What have you been doing?"

"Oh, you know… moping around, whining about missing you, eating to try and fill the void you left in me when you walked out my life…"

"Stop moaning, Jared," I scolded and I heard his muffled laughter. "You're such a whiny bitch sometimes."

"_Oh my fucking God, Kim!"_ he shouted. "Paul said that like an hour ago. Be nice to me!"

I giggled. "Well, you don't really help yourself. Paul did admit that he was probably a bit too mean to you today."

He huffed and started to say something before he stopped. "Wait, what? …did you talk to Paul before you called me?"

I cringed. "He called me…"

"_Oh. My. God!" _

"I couldn't exactly hang up, could I?"

"Yes you could! I told him that I had to leave 'cause I was waiting for you to call. He did that on purpose! He's such a little fucking shit – I'm gonna kill him."

"Aww, Jared! I'm sure he didn't mean too!"

"Yes he did! I specifically told him that you said you'd call me at eleven!"

He huffed a bit more. "Does it matter?"

"Yes!" he said indignantly.

"Why?"

"Because!"

I rolled my eyes. "You're such a girl."

He laughed but it died out slowly.

"Kim..."

"Mhmm," I mumbled as I shifted about in my bed.

"I love you. I love you with everything in me and nothing will ever change that."

I closed my eyes and breathed slowly. "Shh, Jared. I know. You're just trying to make me cry."

"No, I was just thinking that, what with me being so busy lately, I haven't said it in a while."

It was true, he has been very busy lately but that's okay; I understand it completely. He has to train a lot and his football team are like mega crazy good and they have match's all the time (apparently everyone else thinks sport is 'cool' now) but I get to go to all his matches, so it's not like I never see him. His mom and I usually just sit there and go crazy cheering him on.

He's actually really good at it because he's the person who gets the ball and runs all the way down to the end. I tried to learn the lingo but I'm afraid sport will never be something I understand. But anyway, he's really good at that because not only can he run really fast, but he's so used to ducking and weaving because of when he's a wolf, patrolling and whatnot, that it's practically second nature to him when he's out on the field. He can also kick the ball to another state and he can get hit/knock into people without even really feeling it so he's actually pretty fantastic at it already. I mean, I think there was definitely a little bit of talent in there already, and he's only as good as he is now because he's put a lot of goddamn hard work into it. He's got a lot of raw skill but there are some aspects to being a werewolf that have definitely helped him. Plus, he loves it so I'm not going to complain about not seeing him as much as usual because it makes him happy.

Oh god. I also don't mind the fact that Jared trains so much because of the clothes he has to wear when he plays. Those little tight white trousers are the death of me. Like, I can't even control myself when he wears them.

I didn't think asses or legs could look so hot. His legs are just so muscely. And the color clash is gorgeous. He's just so – _uggh. _

"Kim, are you even listening to me?" his voice brought me back from x-rated thoughts about my incredibly sexy werewolf boyfriend.

"Huh? Yeah, sure."

"You weren't listening to me at all, were you?" he guessed. "Are you tired?"

"Not really. You sound tired, though."

"I wonder why..." he mumbled.

"Jared, you're seriously not _that _worried are you?"

He snorted. "Yes, of course I am. What's to stop a leech jumping through the window and taking you away right at this moment?"

"Jared, what are the chances?" I said as I quickly got up and went over to the window, shutting and locking it tight.

"I'm going to hang up now, Jared," I told him as I got back into bed. "And you're going to go to sleep like a good little boy."

"No, no, no, don't hang up. I swear I'll get into bed but just don't hang up now, okay?"

"Okay but you have to get into bed now."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm now getting out of my jeans."

_Not fair, _my mind moaned, but I managed to bite my desperately horny remark down.

"Okay, I'm in bed now. Happy?"

"No, I want to know that you will actually get some sleep."

"No, I will. I'm only joking, Kim," he lied, not wanting me to start worrying about him worrying about me.

"Would you like me to sing you a lullaby?" I offered.

"Oh Jesus," he spluttered. "No, anything but that." I laughed. "I'm sorry, babe, I love you, but I'm afraid singing is not your forte. You should stick to being clever."

I laid on my bed, smiling like an idiot.

"You can read to me, though," he said. "I've missed your voice."

I rolled onto my stomach and looked at the bed-side table. "I'm afraid all I brought with me was Great Expectations, and I know that's not exactly to your taste..."

He made a fake retching sound. "Oh, you're such a nerd. Such a bore."

"Bite me," I replied, turning back over. "Personally, I don't know how you can't find the Victorian period incredibly interesting, I mean, any type of history literature is incredibly..."

I then spurted on nagging shit about how interesting I think books are until, eventually, Jared shut me up.

"Anyway, you know what I do find interesting?" he said with a yawn.

"What?"

"Your diary."

I groaned loudly. "Shut up!"

"No, please! Read your latest diary entry to me," he begged with that sweet, cute tone in his voice.

"No. Not gonna happen, pretty boy. That's not going to work this time."

"Aww, but Kim... I really want to just hear you read and I've already read most of it. Just start from the beginning..." he waited patiently while I thought about it until he finally had too much. "Please?"

I groaned and crawled over to get it.

"Why am I letting you bully me into this?"

"Because you love me with all your heart?"

I pulled open my little navy diary.

"Jared, you don't really wanna hear this," I told him and he groaned.

"Yes, I do."

"No you don't."

"Mmm, pretty sure I do."

I groaned loudly and gently opened it up, playing with the pages. "'Dear Diary,'" I started then cringed. "This is ridiculous."

He laughed sleepily. "Just read to me, bitch."

"The first thing I'm going to do when I next see you is hit you. It's not going to be the happy reunion you're imagining."

"You can try your best," he giggled evilly.

I huffed but eventually carried on. I don't know I let him talk me into it because it was pretty embarrassing. Although in the end it did get quite nice to read through it again and read to Jared. I waited until I was pretty sure he was asleep and then hung up.

I sighed and looked down at my now perfectly manicured nails.

The wedding is going to be absolute hell. And I'm for sure going to do something stupid.

When I get married I'm definitely not going to do all of this. I'm not going to make it into such a big deal – mainly because I don't want to be the centre of attention and because I don't want it to all be about wearing the right dress, or having the best flowers, or finest food. Lydia has become so obsessed over everything, and it's going to be so big. I bet she doesn't really know half the people who are coming, yet she's still scared shitless about what they're all going to think about it. I think it's all become too much of a production, rather than a service bringing two souls together. I know if I was to have something as big as this I'd freak out the same amount.

At least I get to have Jared with me at the wedding. At first Mom was having none of it, things with her and him haven't exactly progressed, but eventually I managed to persuade her into letting me invite him. It's not even up to her anyway, Lydia said I could bring whoever I wanted so I was really only going persuading Mom so I didn't have to turn round and tell her to go fuck herself. It's getting so bad now; I think she's about two steps away from forbidding me from seeing Jared.

I just really don't understand. Why can't she see that he makes me happy, and that's all I need? I don't get what her reasoning is. It's like she'd rather I'd be unhappy, than lose focus on my education. I'm getting fed up of having to hide things and go behind her back about it all. Eventually she's going to make me chose between her way of life or him and although we don't always get on, I don't want to fall out with her.

It's just upsetting because Jared's Mom is the personification of perfect. She's genuinely so nice and accepting. I mean, she accepted Jared being a werewolf, for God's sake! My mom can't even accept that I got a B in a test!

I just want to get out of that stupid little reservation. I can't stand the feeling that so many people have in La Push; that they're happy staying there for all their life. I couldn't even imagine staying there forever, doing the same thing every single day till you die. I understand that that's all some people want to do, but what's the point of living if you're not going to dream big and do things, and travel and learn?

My friends aren't exactly being helpful, either. They're all fighting and arguing at the moment and instead of being there for each other, they're ripping each other's heads off. Surely that's not how friends should be? Shouldn't we all be nice and look out for each other, and strive to see the other happy? Sometimes I feel like Lucy is proud when she and Michele have a verbal fight, and she wins. They always try to get me involved in their petty little fights, but I just don't want to. Unfortunately they can't seem to accept that. Aysel isn't much help either; she's a bit of a shit stirrer when it comes to arguments.

I've read so many books where they have these great friends, and these great family members who they can trust and rely on completely... at the moment I just feel like I'm never going to have that. I really hope that true friendship isn't just a myth cooked up for literature.

At least I've got Jared, which is a lot more than what some people have. I think that's why I need him so much, because if I didn't have him to depend on, then I'd go crazy in despair.

Isi is still doing her goddamn hardest to try and win him over, though. I was moaning to Brady about her the other day; he's noticed too her blatant attempts to seduce him, but apparently Jared remains clueless.

Brady is my little buddy now. He was having a really shit day last week and I found him alone, almost close to tears – not that he'd admit it to anyone; the younger guys are a bit scared to show any emotion because they think the others will make fun of them. I know the older ones wouldn't care, they'd rather try and help them, but I think he did find it easier to talk to me than have to talk about his feelings to one of the guys.

He hasn't told his parent's anything about him becoming a wolf and he's having loads of arguments with them lately because they don't understand. I could kind of relate to him, although I'm not going through it to the same degree as he is. I think he needed to just talk to someone and get it off his chest. I wouldn't be surprised that the wolf pack feel a bit isolated from everyone else.

He's such a sweet kid, though, and it's truly heartbreaking to see him so upset. It's not nice when even your own parent's can't accept you.

Anyway, I better try and get some sleep. We're having massages, a wax (enter incredibly scared and sad face here) and exfoliating mask thingies tomorrow. I know I should be really happy and excited at this lovely girly 'me' time, but I just find it awkward. I really hope the waxing is just my legs. I mean, if anything else... oh God.

Please no. Anything but that.

Why would you chose to go through something like that?

Urgh.

Wish me luck.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>Sorry that it took so long to get this chapter, I have a hundred different reasons why but I'm sure you're not that interested to hear them all so I'll just say sorry for the long wait. I'm not quite sure when I'll get the time to write and post the next chapter but please write a review as they always encourage me to write more. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to readsubsrcribe/alert or review this, I really appreciate it :) Apologies if I didn't reply to your review, I couldn't remember who I had or hadn't replied to but thank you so much!  
><strong>


	29. October 26

Dear Diary,

Wow. Okay.

Sometimes I just want to blurt out what's happened just to get it out and onto the page but I think I'm going to refrain from doing that today. I'm going to start from the beginning, explain it all and get my thoughts out calmly and rationally because I'm still pretty emotional. I think that's probably for the best or this will seem awfully... I don't know. I'll probably have to rip this page out anyway but never mind. Here we go.

* * *

><p>The weekend away was absolutely ridiculous. Considering it was a 'pampering retreat', I've never been more stressed or uncomfortable in my life. The 'pampering' aspect of it was just awkward; the thought of having strangers see my body was disgusting and the waxing was... words just can't describe it. The pain and awkwardness will never be etched from my memory.<p>

I just don't think I'm _that _girl, you know? Lydia and her friends seemed to love it but I'm afraid it was a bit of a waste of money for me. We had our make up, hair and nails all done professionally. I suppose I feel a bit nicer now... I don't know it was worth it, though. Obviously Lydia looked gorgeous, especially in her stunning dress, but I can't help but think she chose the disgusting _yellow _bridesmaid dresses to ensure that she looked the best.

She did though, hands down. She's pretty anyway but she seemed to just look extra beautiful yesterday. Even if I didn't approve of her fiancé to begin with, seeing her as happy as she was definitely proved that she should marry him.

The happy, beautiful Lydia only lasted about two minutes though, and then she turned back into the pre-wedding monster she'd been all week. But she's entitled to be as annoying and crazy as she wants to be, even if I did think she was going to hit me in the face when my hair wasn't curling properly. I think I was just in a bit of a bad mood the whole weekend anyway. I mean, I guess it wasn't _that _bad and she wasn't _that _crazy I just... I really missed Jared. I know it's ridiculous for me to say that I missed him after such a short period but it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that it's irrational, it doesn't make me miss him less. Sometimes I wish I could just tell myself to stop having these feelings or to stop worrying about things but that's just not how I work. Maybe some people can tell themselves to stop doing something or to stop thinking about someone or to stick to that diet but my body never seems to listen to my brain... which is really quite annoying, considering my looks aren't that great and my brain is really the only thing I've got going for me.

Anyway, I was missing Jared. Badly. I was irritable and I was trying not to text or call him too much because that's rude and I definitely didn't want to annoy Lydia anymore than what my hair already was so I tried not to contact him unless I was alone, but that didn't mean that he wasn't on my mind every second of every moment that we were apart. It was kind of like I left a part of me back home in La Push.

I did, really. He is a part of me now. He, the pack, the stories, this whole new world that he's introduced me to... I couldn't imagine my life being any other way now. It's like I've got this look into a completely alternate dimension and, well, I love it. It's scary and but I like that I've got this weird experience with them that noone else has. Unfortunately this also means that there's another thing preoccupying my mind when I'm supposed to be talking to Lydia about the best shade of nail polish.

In the end we just got a plain manicure because it looks more elegant. I quite like it. I like that a lot more than the yellow dress. Can we just go back and bring our attentions once more to the fact that it was _yellow. _Mmm. Y-e-l-l-o-w. Totally not going to clash with my skin tone or anything... Of course they all pretended that it looked wonderful but I know I looked ridiculous compared to all of Lydia's friends, who seemed to work yellow very well. And feeling so out of place and ugly just made me want to be with Jared even more. Luckily it wasn't too big and ruffled, it just hung straight down but still, it's _yellow. _

Oh god, I sound like the worst step-sister ever.

I promise I wasn't a complete bore the whole time and I actually was happy to be there – sort of. But I was looking to the wedding and she was beautiful and it was lovely.

But when my eyes locked with Jared's I can't deny that I felt a million times better. I was so glad that Lydia invited him because I think _I _was too much of a nervous wreck to get through it without him there.

The breath was knocked out of me just from the sight of him. He started smiling but I just couldn't speak. Just seeing him drives my emotions crazy but after having gone so long, and missing him so much, I was incapable or breathing, talking or anything, really. It's like all I could focus on was him.

Also, it didn't help that he was wearing a goddamn suit. He's drop dead gorgeous anyway but there's just something about a suit... let's just say I got a little bit distracted during the ceremony.

It was beautiful and magical, though. Lydia looked wonderful and seeing the way Richard looked at her completely dissipated the thoughts that he didn't love her; from the look in his eyes there was no denying that he was head-over-heels in love with her and she the same. At first I had to admit that I thought maybe she was just with him for err, _alternative _motives, but that's totally not the case. It was so lovely, so empowering to see her marry him against everyone elses opinions. Usually all Lydia cares about is how she's perceived by other people, but not with Richard. She usually goes out with right dickheads so I'm glad that the one thing that does change about her is the person that she's going to be spending the rest of her life with. Even if Scott didn't approve so readily, they definitely proved their love to everyone by the way they looked at each other and the way they read their vows as if there wasn't any other person in the room. Richard looked as if he could be her father but what does that matter? Who really cares as long as their happy? What's the point of anything in life if at the end of it you're not happiness? If they find someone who makes them happy then they should hold to that.

I hope Mom was taking notes because she's not going to win the same ongoing argument over Jared. As it's my last year at school she's doubly unhappy that I'm so serious with him. And she sort of over heard that Jared is trying to get into university. This made him look better in her eyes but it also meant that she's now a little angry that I'm trying to ensure we get into the same one. I'm taking a leaf out of Lydia's book, though, and I honestly couldn't give a shit.

When Jared and I finally got to be in each others arms, I realised that that's all I need in order to do well in life, not my mother's approval. I felt like the ugliest girl in the world standing next to the other bridesmaids, but when Jared was holding me, staring at me in that way he does... then that feeling disappears and I feel like I could achieve anything.

His fingers gently stroked my cheek, cradling my face as if I'd break.

"You look beautiful," he whispered, pressing the softest kiss to my lips. I wouldn't go so far as to say he makes me feel beautiful, and I still get embarrassed, but I definitely think he's had a positive impact on my self esteem.

"You look hot," I replied, smiling up at him. His serious face broke and his breathy chuckle made my insides tingle.

He pressed his forehead to mine and sighed. "I've missed you."

I'd forgotten completely about the whole weekend, about how much I'd missed him and pined for him. It's like just seeing him wiped away all those bad memories; he always seems to have that affect on me. When I'm with him I'm not thinking about how my Nan's battle with dementia is already getting worse, about how I should be studying more, how I should be looking at more uni courses, about how I need to a billion things; all I care about is me and him and being happy.

"I missed you too," I said and kissed him. I didn't want to pull away but I had to go speak to everyone. It's weird because Lydia's my sister but yet I knew barely anyone there. All I ever see is her father's side of the family but Scott's parents have strangely taken me and Jason to be their almost-grandchildren. They're always so nice and treat us so wonderfully... I see them more than my real ones on my dad's side. But I prefer it this way round.

The wedding reception was really nice. Lydia got a little bit more than tipsy (Richard had to pretty much hold her up on their first dance) but she cut down towards the end because she didn't want to get too drunk. I think it fitted her personality more than for her to keep up the elegant act all night. It wasn't the most perfect or romantic of nights and there were still those boring family dramas and everything, but just seeing them together made my heart ache because they were so in love.

Mom as usual went back to the hotel at the same time as all the oldies started knocking off because she had a 'headache'. She's so boring, it's ridiculous. Scott was going to stay until the end to ensure that everything was okay and everyone got home okay because he's just that kind of father.

It was so nice seeing Scott and Lydia having a dance too. I know he misses having her around and the only reason he didn't accept Richard to begin with truly was because he only ever wants the best for her and didn't he know if Richard was that guy. Sometimes I don't know whether my Mom has my happiness as her first priority with me.

As he was in such a happy but yet sad and vulnerable mood I decided that I wasn't fulfilling my step-daughterly duties if I didn't take advantage of this.

"Will you give me away at my wedding?" I asked when I found him alone at a table, having sent Jared off to get our coats.

Scott looked up at me as I sat next to him. "Of course," he said, a little taken back. "You know I would. You don't have to ask."

I smiled. We talked for a little while until I saw Jared coming over. I gave a fake yawn. "Scott, do you mind if I just drive back to La Push tonight with Jared? I just want to sleep in my own bed."

He looked at me for a moment, obviously wondering how Mom would react. He obviously either wanted to be nice to me or was underestimating Mom's protectiveness. I think it was the former.

"Sure. It's not like there's anything else for you to do here, Lyds and Rich are flying off to their honeymoon tonight." I wondered whether he was just trying to build up the argument for when he told Mom. But the fact that he called Richard 'Rich' made me smile. He's definitely accepted him.

I gave him a hug and thanked him profusely. Jared shook his hand and I then I dragged him away as fast as I could before Scott had the chance to change his mind.

Lydia almost started crying when I said goodbye to her and that nearly set me off too. I don't know why, but it was nice.

I wish things were different. I wish Scott were my dad and she was my real sister, but I guess if that were the case then things would be completely different. I'd view them both so differently; I probably wouldn't appreciate Scott as much and I would argue with Lydia as much as I do with Jason. I should just be happy with the way things have turned out, there's no use wishing for more because if I think about it rationally, having a stepdad who loves you is better than having nothing at all, which is what a lot of people have to live with. Really all I want is my mom to care a bit more about me as it seems weird the only one I can count on is the one who's not blood related. Mom and I just argue so much and I don't even remember the last time we had a talk about this. I don't remember the last time she asked me how I was. I don't remember her ever doing anything or saying anything to give me an inclination that she cares about how I am.

Maybe Jared's just spoilt me with how much he cares about me. I just can't wait to move out.

"You want to go back to your house?" Jared asked as we made it over to his car. I nodded. "Are you tired?" He stroked my hair behind my ear.

"No, strangely enough," I said, taking his hand and kissing it.

He pinned me against the car and kissed me till I was breathless, his hands moving to my face and then my hair.

"You really do look beautiful," he said, his eyes intense and serious.

"I look like a poufy lemon, Jared," I said, smiling.

"No you don't! It suits you."

"Right," I replied, amused. He smiled because he knew I wasn't listening to him. We were leaving a bit early because I didn't want to get home too late... Unfortunately that means that it was still light enough that Scott's parents saw us making out against Jared's car. They waved awkwardly.

I cringed and waved back, Jared laughed and we stood there in silence until they got in the car. They looked over and waved again, frowning, before driving off. I groaned and leant my head against his chest and we started laughing again. I shivered because it was getting cold and Jared ran his hands down my back. My shoulders were completely bare so his skin on mine was nice in all sorts of ways. I shivered again.

"Drive me home?" I bit my lip and his head tilted to the side for a second before he nodded and pecked my lips one last time and we got in the car.

I fiddled with my fingers.

"Today was really nice," Jared said. I nodded. "Your mom actually smiled at me today!" he joked.

Although I smiled, I couldn't help but feel guilty.

"My family are boring aren't they?" I said. "They're not exactly party people... I'm sorry, I should have warned you."

He laughed. "Kim, seriously, it's fine. It was lovely."

"Really?"

I can't help but feel a bit of an idiot in my big yellow dress and my family who go home at about ten o'clock, thinking that's incredibly late. From what I've heard of Jared's family, expecially his aunts and uncles, they're the definition of 'party people'.

"Yeah... you're not exactly the one with the family to be embarrassed about," he said sarcastically. I looked at him. His family are great.

His eyes shifted to me and he snorted. "My family are descendant from fucking werewolves, Kim! Jesus!"

I laughed loudly. "Okay... yeah you beat me on the weird family card."

I guess it's just something that I've accepted so much that it didn't really occur to me.

Jared looked over at me briefly and smiled, his eyes shining.

He's so attractive. Like, in everything he does he still seems to carry an air of sexiness.

I know it's not all about looks and I love him for a billion other reasons, but he's really so far out of my league.

He is also ridiculously distracting. And – urgh, okay. This is awkward. But it's just been very hard to deny doing the dirty with him. Especially when I have to watch him running around a field in those freaking football pants all the time. I don't know why they wear them but I'm just very thankful they do.

But I think it was definitely the suit that tipped me over the edge tonight. Plus the fact that we were at a wedding; it sort of set it in my mind that we were going to do that at some point.

He's just so perfect to everyone like all the time, the perfect gentleman. I'm not saying he _is _the perfect gentlemen, definitely not by some of the things he says and he's not always chivalrous, but he definitely acted that way in front of my family and that's really all I want. Maybe it would be nice to have someone who's the complete gentleman but that's just not Jared. He's half way in between and that's perfect for me. I'd hate it if he was always too over the top, it would just make me feel awkward; I like that he's relaxed enough to be a bit of a jerk sometimes.

That makes me sound ridiculous, doesn't it? I just think that I'd get too overwhelmed if he was perfect in every way and I wouldn't build him up to be something like that because I realise now that that's not fair on him.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked. Then he cringed. "Okay that made me sound like a proper obsessive, over-protective boyfriend. Don't answer that."

I grinned and laughed at him. "I was thinking about you," I told him anyway.

"I sort of got that from the staring..." he said, faking an awkward look. I hit him but laughed.

"Who do you think, if anyone, will imprint next?" I asked him casually, changing the subject from where my mind was.

He smirked. "I really hope Paul. So so so bad."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Why would that be funny, Jared?"

He smirked harder. "Oh come on, Kim. You know you're the best thing that's happened to be but you can't deny after the shit he gave me it would be _hilarious _to watch him go through that."

"I suppose he did wind you up a bit."

"'_A bit'? _He was so bad! All he'd ever do was drop ridiculous hints and try and get in the way because he knew that you were my soul mate and that I was so petrified of trying to talk to you. He was such a shit. I'm going to be a hundred times worse to him if he does ever imprint."

"Petrified?" I repeated, amused.

He shot me a look. "Shut up," he pouted.

"No you weren't!"

"Yeah I was!" he replied. "Well, if you didn't notice then Paul obviously didn't do a very good job and I hid it very well. Or you were just oblivious. Probably that – you didn't even notice that Brady was chatting you up the other day."

I let out a loud laugh. "Leave Brady alone!"

Ever since our little chat we've been quite close but Jared seems to think Brady has a crush on me, which is bullshit because he's like, what, four years younger than me? He's so nice though.

"Yeah, definitely oblivious."

"I think we should go back to talking about you being petrified of me," I grinned.

His face pulled into a genuinely embarrassed look and I let out an 'Aww!'.

"Was the little wolfy scared?" I asked in a baby voice, pinching his cheek.

"I'm driving!" he exclaimed, pushing me away jokingly.

"I wish I'd known you were as scared as I was," I said and he gave a little nod, his ego obviously not happy about this direction of conversation. "It feels ages ago... like before you imprinted."

He gave a firmer nod. "God, I don't know how the others do it. I honestly don't think I could have gotten through half of this shit without you."

"Me too."

"Just the little gap between phasing and imprinting was bad enough... although having to come to terms with being a werewolf and trying to win over the affections of a girl way out of your league was definitely difficult."

I splutered. "You're delusional."

"You're ten times smarter and nicer than me, Kim. And you're forgetting that _I'm not even human."_

I scrunched up my nose. I hate it when he talks about me. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I'm phishing for compliments but I'm realy not. They just make me feel uncomfortable.

"You're wrong. And you know I don't care about what you are."

We talked about not so serious things for the rest of the drive back to La Push but if my mind wasn't set before, I knew for certain now: it was going to happen tonight.

When we finally arrived at my house the nervousness had my stomach tied in knots.

We sat in the car for a moment in silence. I think he could sense my nervousness but I don't think he'd worked out why yet.

"Do you um... do you want to come in?" I asked, biting down on my lip.

My eyes flickered over to his. He seemed a bit confused as usually he'd just come in anyway.

His head tilted to the side again and then his eyes widened and his mouth dropped down.

He got it.

"Come in?" he gulped.

My teeth dug even deeper into my lip. "Come in."

I smiled nervously, although I think it was more of a grimace. Not exactly sexy.

He nodded and we got out of the car, him opening the door for me. He is gentlemanly sometimes.

We got inside the house and he shut the door. Jared stepped closer and I bit my lip again.

"Are you sure?" he whispered and I nodded.

"Do you err... want a drink or anything?" I asked. Mmm. Sexy again.

I don't know why I'm so awkward all the time.

He shook his head, stepping closer and tentatively bending down to press his lips to mine. When they met, as always, the tentativeness dissipated – I never stay that nervous for long as natural instinct seems to take over before I even realise what's happening.

But this time was a bit different. This time our lips locked with the knowledge that something else was going to happen. We've gone... pretty far but we still haven't had sex yet and Jared's been patient and caring and everything's been wonderful. But I really just cannot come up with a reason why we should wait any longer. I'd been thinking that for a while.

"Shit, I don't have a condom," he gasped as he pulled away, his face horror-stricken. It made me smile and put me a little bit more at ease. But then I realised we'd actually have to talk about this and I got nervous again. I took his hand and led him upstairs.

"Erm, I've sorted that. And I'm on the pill."

"Shit," he repeated and I smiled nervously as he followed me closely up the stairs.

Well, really, I was never going to be anything but one hundred percent precautious. I know it would be so typical that _I _get to be the one knocked up just before I graduate. Buying condoms and having to get the pill was probably one of the most awkward moments of my life though. I was _so _certain that someone I knew was going to just walk past. Or my mom. I was definitely most nervous about my mom finding out.

We walked into my room and as I turned to him he caught me and pulled me closer; one hand tangled in my curled hair and the other danced up my back. My hands clung onto his chest. He held me close then pulled away again, breathing heavily.

"I – Kim, are you sure?" He ran his hand over his face. "I'm fine with waiting because that's what you want –"

I shook my head, cutting him off. "No. I want you. I'm ready."

He was the one biting on his lip now. He cupped my cheeks and pressed his forehead against mine. "This isn't very romantic... you deserve a lot better than this..."

I smiled and pressed my lips to his. "Would you feel better if I lit a candle?" I murmured, kissing along his jaw. He nodded and I laughed.

"I'm not pressuring you into anything, am I, Jared?" I joked and he smiled and pulled my face to his, his lips pressing hard against mine.

"I want you so, so bad, Kim. But – are you sure you're sure?"

I smiled and it wasn't such a nervous grimace this time.

"I'm so sure, Jared. I'll never want anyone else and I just... I want you now and I'm fed up of waiting. I can't imagine I'll ever be more ready than what I am at now. I love you."

He let out a groaning noise then pulled me into a heated, passionate embrace. When I pulled away I could feel my hair was in disarray already. I tried to flatten it as I pulled it to the side, over my shoulder.

"Could you...?" I turned and his fingers fumbled at the laced up back of my dress, our heavy breathing filling the room. He pressed soft kisses cross my shoulders.

"Your skin is so soft," he murmured. Okay, so I guess the pampering weekend was helpful and came at the right time.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten a few times because the nervousness kept creeping back. I hoped he wasn't listening to the erratic beating of my heart because it was a little embarrassing.

When he finished I cringed. I let the dress drop down and stepped out of it, trying to be as elegant as possible (which, for me, means to not fall over) and I folded it as nicely as I could but then just placed it on the floor. I didn't have the bag it came in and honestly, I wouldn't care if I never saw that dress again.

I turned back to him but I couldn't face to look at him so I kept my head down. His fingertips brushed my stomach and settled on my waist.

This probably wasn't the best time because my underwear was pretty skimpy – I didn't want them showing as the bridesmaid dress was strapless and made of very thin material. That just lead to even more embarrassment as more of my incredibly-flawed body was on show.

"Oh my god," he breathed and ducked his head down to meet mine. He pushed it up with his face and pressed his lips to mine.

"Please don't be nervous," he said, tracing my lips with his fingertips. "We can stop whenever you want, you just have to say. Tell me what you're thinking."

I looked up into his eyes, which was a lot for me. I nodded and stopped biting my lip. It was silly really for me to be nervous when I was the one who was initiating this. I suppose you can't ever get those little worries off of your mind, no matter how sure you are.

"You're so beautiful, Kim."

I pushed off his jacket and he pulled me into his arms.

"Why can't you see how sexy you are?" he said as he kissed me roughly, but with such tender sweetness. He's always just so gentle – something I'm surprised at as he's this big strong werewolf. I expect him to not realise how strong he is, considering he got this supernatural strength so quickly, but around me he's so tentative. I have to admit I was a bit worried that especially during sex he'd get a bit too rough, but I think he worries about hurting me too much to ever let that happen.

We fell to the bed in a mess of tangled limbs and although I was awkward and shy for the most part, I did lose my nervousness. It was everything I'd expected and a hundred times more.

In ways I can't believe I'd waited that long without it, but then it was just so beautifully perfect that I couldn't imagine it any other way. Yes, it was awkward and I didn't really know what I was doing and it hurt but Jared is just _so_ wonderful and his caresses are the softest and gentlest but yet the most mind-boggling, skin-tingling sensation I've ever felt. I couldn't possibly start to explain or describe it.

I wasn't expecting perfection and I didn't get that, but there was no realistic way for me to get it because I would always be awkward, but I could never imagine losing my virginity to anyone other than Jared. I've never met a person I've felt more comfortable with and I'm so glad I wasn't one of those girls who lost their virginity to a guy they barely knew at the age of, like, fourteen.

"I love you," he murmured as we settled into bed, drifting off to sleep, our bodies wrapped around each other. "Always know that I love and care for you."

I kissed him. "I love you too, more than anything and anyone."

"Marry me," he whispered, kissing my neck.

"I'll hold you to that," I laughed and he ran fingers down my heavily rising and falling chest.

"Please do. I mean it! I want to spend every day with you and every night in your bed for the rest of my life."

"Shouldn't it be the girl who gets emotional after sex?" I asked jokingly and he smiled and pulled me onto his chest. I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat, feeling complete.

"Jared..."

But like I said, I couldn't possibly put my thoughts or emotions into words.

"I know," he said softly and kissed the top of my head.

And that's what made it perfect for me; I can just trust him so much and I know that he just _gets _me. All I cared about was loving him, I wasn't worrying about what he was thinking and whether he thought I was fat. Initially I was but I think something's changed, the way I view our relationship, I think.

I'm so glad. In the morning he asked whether I regretted it but thoughts like that had never even entered my mind. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't disastrous. I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Yeah, I'm definitely ripping this page out.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>I'm sorry it's been so long since the last update! I know everyone always says that they've been too busy but I truly never seem to get the time to write. Hopefully it won't be too long till the next chapter. I can't believe this is the 29th chapter... I hadn't planned on it being this long and there's still quite a bit coming which will shake things up for them.<strong>

**Thanks to everyone who'd reading and reviewing, I really do appreciate it! I hope I manage to reply to you all, and I've left a message to the unsigned reviewers below. It would be great if you could leave a comment about how you find this chapter, I wasn't sure whether it had too much or too little awkwardness for Kim. Thanks again! :)  
><strong>

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><p>ixdookiie<strong> - Thank you for reviewing :) And no she started from the begining of the diary, plus she would have written the last diary entry after she got off the phone with him, if that makes sense? And also I think I read a bit of that fanfiction before I wrote this, and that's sort of why I started it because I think the Kim's in other peoples stories was never really how I imagined her. Haha but yeah, thanks for the recomendation :) <strong>

London Chick96** - Thank you so much, I'm really glad you liked this and Love Is Strange, that means a lot :)  
><strong>


	30. November 12

Dear Diary,

Lucy and Michele are having the bitch fight to end all bitch fights. I think it originally started because Michele said something uncomplimentary about Lucy's boyfriend Austin but it's transcended into something else now; they're just moaning about each other and how the other is always bitching about them behind their back... it's a little ironic because they both do it. They both say little remarks to annoy each other and then later come to find Aysel or I to moan to. I think they usually bitch to Aysel because she's always got an opinion whereas I tend to just keep it to myself.

However, I've recently came to the realization that being the neutral person just doesn't work out. Today in the hallway at lunch Lucy had _another_ go at me because I never take sides. I thought that what I chose to do is better because I don't upset either of them but, also a little ironically, apparently this way just upsets both of them twice as much.

"All you fucking care about is Jared!" she erupted when I'd become just too annoying to bear.

"You know that's so not true," I mumbled, embarrassed as people looked over. I really didn't want to get into an argument. No matter how much experience I'm getting with my mom I still can't stand them.

But what I mumbled was true, anyway. Sure, ever since Lydia's wedding we've been a lot closer, but I've still spent loads of time with them both. I have to admit that when she gets like this then I tend to scuttle off to find Jared but I really don't think I can be blamed for that.

Oli was then walking up to us but I shook my head and he made a not-so-subtle detour down the other hallway. I tried not to smile. The boys are terrified of Lucy and Michele at the moment because they don't want to get picked on either; she's as annoyed with them as she is with me. She keeps making snide remarks so I thought I'd fall on the sword today and let Oli go. They're too afraid to go sit somewhere else in case she goes bat shit crazy on them again so their plan is to just sit there quietly till it blows over.

"You are. At least I don't ditch you all for Aus." She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes in a challange. I almost lost it, because if anyone is annoying about their boyfriend, it's her. I try and not talk about Jared at each and every moment when I'm not with him – I save that for this diary because I know how boring it gets.

"I've never ditched you for Jared... I only ever don't come out with you when we've already made plans. And it's not fair if I ditch him to hang out with you," I replied quietly. I really didn't want to anger her more, but apparently this had the opposite effect.

"Oh yes, I forgot you're Miss fucking Diplomatic _all the time_."

I frowned because I didn't really see why that was an insult. But I didn't say anything because I was panicking enough. I hate arguments or confrontations but especially ones in public.

"You know, I would of stuck up for you if someone bitched about Jared. We'd all love to not get into arguments, Kim, but if we were all the person on the fence then nobody would stick up for anyone."

She swung her head round with self-importance and marched away.

For one she literally was just bitching about Jared, and if everybody was 'sitting on the fence' then you'd never have any fights in the first place to have to stick up for anyone... but that doesn't mean that I didn't feel like complete and utter shit.

I knew I felt that way only because it was still true. That's why things get to you, isn't it? When you know they're true. Lucy knows Austin's a douche but for some strange reason she won't let us convince her that she can do better than him. Equally, I knew when she said it that I was a shit friend. It's true. I don't really stick up for people. I don't even really stick up for myself. I mean, my arguments with Mom usually end with me walking away because I don't want to get into it. That's why she 'wins', why I'm the one whose having to sneak around when I'm going to see Jared.

I slumped off to find Jared. Jacob was sitting in the seat next to him, but when Jared saw me he smiled and promptly pushed Jacob off the chair. Even when I feel like shit, he still manages to put a smile on my face.

Jacob and Jared bickered for a moment but it's always done so light-heartedly. I think they're just _so _close that they never seem to hurt each other's feelings. If I were to even ask Lucy to change seats in order for me to sit closer to Jared then all hell would break loose because I was so rude and inconsiderate. I think we also just take things to heart and read into things too much. Instead of just thinking 'fair enough, they want to be close', it's 'why doesn't she want to sit next to me?'.

I smiled in apology to Jacob, but he obviously really didn't care. I mean, compared to vampires and all that, having to get a different chair really isn't the biggest of his problems. It's all perspective, really, and unfortunately all my other friends have at the moment are high school classes, maybe a small part time job, their friends and family and it's all rather shit. Maybe they're trying to create their own drama because in a small reservation like this (bar the werewolves) nothing is really going on.

It's funny really; this is the last place that you'd expect to find something so crazy. To anyone else it's the most boring, quiet place but it's actually incredibly dangerous and interesting.

That's it really though, isn't it? Perspective. From those who don't know then it's boring, but once you're told the secret then it suddenly becomes something completely different. And if I look at it from Lucy's perspective then I agree, I was in the wrong.

Lucy's going through a lot and it was unfair of me not to stick up for her or be there for her. I think the reason I was so unwilling to do so was because I'm so fed up with having to deal with my things in private and it annoyed me that she wasn't doing so – but whose fault is that? It's not hers. Just because I'm forbidden from spilling the beans doesn't mean that everyone should bottle their emotions. What would that lead to? Everyone being as bitchy and self-obsessed as I am. She has no idea of knowing that my boyfriend is superhuman and all the logic and order in my life was crushed to pieces. So why was I taking it on her?

I was doing exactly what I hate my mom for doing: taking out my pain on other people. And I don't want to become my mother – that's what I've always said. I'd rather be my granddad, the one who bares his troubles in silence with his partner and gives a shoulder to cry on for those who need him. Because if I carry on like my mother then I'm going to turn around one day and realise that there isn't anybody who wants to cry on my shoulder, and when the shit really hits the fan then I'll have noone to finally be there for me.

Jared reached out as I walked up to him and took my hand, pulling me down into the seat next to him, pressing his lips to mine. "What's the matter?" he asked softly.

I shrugged and leant into his chest. He wrapped his arm around.

"Aww, did you have an ickle argument with your friends?" he asked and I nodded.

"Did you hear?" I cringed. It wasn't exactly something I'd want Jared to watch or hear. I didn't want anyone to. I didn't even want it to happen!

"No, I can hear Lucy telling Aysel."

I sat up, my mouth hanging open. The others roared with laughter.

"Are you kidding?"

He looked around awkwardly, not understanding. "What?"

I let out a groan and leaned back into him.

This is why I hate arguments. Because even though I knew she was bitching about me, it didn't stop me from feeling guilty. I can't just be angry with her, I always just feel guilty. I half wanted to make Jared tell me what she was saying, but knew that would be petty. I really don't want them to think I'm just your average bitchy girl because I try not to be. I guess you really can't just not get into it, because even 'not getting into it' means you're inadvertently getting into it.

Urgh. Seriously? Sometimes I wish I could just be a guy. It's so uncomplicated for them. Especially these boys, anyway. When they have a problem with each other they just tell them and move on from it.

Jared's arm circled around me again and he kissed my head.

"Kim, will you come round my house tonight and help me with my math homework?" Brady asked politely.

"Back the fuck off," Jared replied quickly, glaring at him and pointing a warning finger at him.

The other guys laughed and I couldn't help but smile.

"Of course I will, Brady," I told him.

"Nu-uh. Not gonna happen."

I turned to Jared and put my hands on my hips. "So you're just going to tell me what I can and can't do, are you, Jared?"

His eyes narrowed as he tried to find a way out of it. The others made _ooooh_'s around him.

I lifted an eyebrow but let out a laugh. He glared at me.

"I hate you," he said although that didn't stop him from kissing me again. "Oh, sorry Brady. I just remembered that Kim's hanging out with me tonight. Tough luck." Brady pulled a face at him. He only does it to wind him up; I don't think he even needed help with his homework, he just likes the attention. "Me. Imagine that; spending time with her _boyfriend."_

I gave Jared a gentle shove. "Stop being mean!"

He let out an exasperated breath, his eyes widening. "Kim! He's _flirting _with my _girlfriend_!" he exclaimed, waving his hands about in disbelief. "Anyone else would bash his brains in! I don't get why you're all picking on me!"

Another round of laughter hit the table and for the rest of the day Jared had to put up with taunting remarks about getting 'picked on' and he was constantly referred to as 'poor little Jared'.

At the end of the day we walked home because his mother had his car. We walked hand in hand but he was still pouting.

"You're still upset?" I smiled as I opened his door. Yeah, _I _opened it. Jared lost so many of his house keys because of phasing he stopped carrying one, which subsequently meant that he was locked out of his house quite often. So instead his mom gave me a key to their house because I'm always with him and it's easier.

I know.

I have a key to his house. If that's not moving too quickly for seventeen year olds then I really don't know what is.

He flopped himself down on his sofa and looked up at me, jutting out his bottom lip again.

"Do you want to know why I'm sad?" he said as I sat next to him, cross legged so that I could face him.

"No, but I have a feeling you'll tell me anyway," I joked. He growled and tickled me till I shrieked mercy.

"I'm sad," he told me pointedly, "Because I can't remember the last time you properly blushed."

I looked down and realised that it was true.

"I feel like I've corrupted you... stole your innocence," he said, his voice going a little serious.

"Well you did," I said embarrassedly.

He laughed and grinned, apparently not so upset about that.

"No, I just mean that I used to be the one mocking you, now all you ever do is rip the shit out of me!"

"Aww, _poor little Jared_!"

"Kim!" he shouted, clutching his heart dramatically and falling backwards onto the couch. "You're killing me."

I smiled and crawled on top of him, kissing him softly. "I'm sorry. Would you like me to go back to when I couldn't even really speak or look at you?" He smiled. "When we didn't kiss or have sex..."

His smile vanished.

"I think I'm alright, actually," he said, flipping us over so he was on top, eliciting a giggle from me. "I can deal with you being a cocky bitch if it means you'll let me in your pants." My mouth dropped open in mock anger, because I knew he was only joking.

"I love you really... _Kimmy," _he said, speaking the last word slowly and deliberately.

I shoved him off. "That's it. No sex. Not even kissing."

He laughed loudly and tried to crawl back. "Nope. Too far!" I told him, crossing my arms.

"Please!" he begged. "I'll do anything!"

I nibbled on my lip and let him move closer, his eyes on my teeth and lips.

"Hmm... anything?" I enquired coyly. He nodded, not moving his eyes from my lips. "Okay then."

A grin formed on his mouth and as ours were about to touch, I spoke again.

"Tell me what you want for your birthday."

He let out a loud groan and closed his eyes, leaning back again. "You really are killing me, Kim."

I grinned and indulged him. We made out for... a while, although I didn't let it go any further because his mom would get back at any moment and there have already been too many incidents where she's walked in at inappropriate times.

But kissing him hasn't changed from when I would blush at every word and couldn't look him in the eyes. I don't know when that changed, but I still get the butterflies and the inability to control myself when I look at him or feel his touch on my skin or his lips against mine.

"I need you," he murmured against my lips.

"But your mom might come home from picking up Nathan," I groaned, looking at the door ruefully. Jared shook his head.

"Nu-uh," he said for the second time to day although this time it was considerably happier. "She's not coming back till later, that's why she's got the car; they're going out shopping as Nathan needs some shit."

"Really?" He nodded. I grinned.

For safe measure he took my hand and quickly led me upstairs.

It's times like that when I really can't help but wish I had the key to a home that was just ours. I wish we didn't have to sneak around like this and I wish we didn't have to hide from my mom because she's completely forbidden me from seeing Jared now.

Yeah. She's forbidden it. I got a C+ in a test and she literally didn't shut up about it for a week. So now I'm 'having a break' from Jared. Like today, for example, she thought I was at a History study session. How very naive of her.

I can't wait to move out. My need to get into uni has doubled and fortunately Jared's been kicking up some interest. I wasn't surprised because he's just so ridiculously talented at what he does. And he's even managed to perfect his 'out of breath' look and sounds. The other day he actually forgot it was an act and was still out of breath, straight after practise, when he ran up to me.

He doesn't go over the top, though. He's only ever just a little bit quicker than the next fastest person. I felt at first like maybe I'd pushed him into it, but he's reassured me just from the look on his face when he's playing and mucking about with the football team that he absolutely loves it. I have no doubts that a scholarship will have his name on it by the end of the year if he keeps up the way he's going. La Push had probably the worst team imaginable before he joined but since he and then a few others started they haven't lost a single match.

I guess it's just down to me now to pull my socks up and go back to getting A's. C's aren't bad but it's all relative to what you know you're capable of. To someone who gets F's then a C is great, but when you're used to performing at a certain level you can't help but be a little disheartened at a grade any lower and I really need to ensure I get into uni.

We scrambled to put our clothes back on afterwards when we heard his mom and brother come through the door. We couldn't help but giggle as Jared tried to flatten down my hair and I straightened his t-shirt. He kissed me roughly and we skipped down the stairs to greet them.

Okay, sometimes the sneaking around isn't so bad.

"Heya, you two," Joan said and we chorused back hellos. Jared wrapped his arms around me from behind as we walked into the kitchen, leaning his chin in the crook between my neck and shoulder. "What've you been up to?"

"Oh. Kim's trying to teach me some math. It's not working."

I nodded. "Logarithms and differentiation; Jared's favourite."

I feel guilty about deceiving Momma Thail so easily but there really is no other choice. She's completely accepting of me but I really don't think she'd want to know about our... upstairs antics, shall we say. I think a part of her, even though he's a werewolf, doesn't want to admit that he's all grown up and looking at universities to apply to and living accommodation for when he moves out.

Nathan called through for his Mom's attention and she looked at Jared.

"You either get to play with your brother or start dinner. Chose quickly and wisely," she said with a smile.

Jared's eyes flickered between the stove and the door. Nathan's voice cut through the air, whinging.

"Definitely cooking."

"Good. Spaghetti bolognaise," she informed him and squeezed my arm before going to find Nathan. She's also been getting him to cook a lot more... I think she's scared if he's living by himself then he's going to starve.

If she thought rationally then him starving really should be the least of her worries but I think it's cute.

I gave him a hand and pestered him about what he wanted for Christmas and his birthday, which were both rapidly approaching. Jared's a winter baby, born two days after Christmas.

Unfortunately this means that I have double the amount of presents to buy and I'm so awful at that.

"All I want is you," he said, then realised how clichéd that sounded and started singing a certain cheesy Christmas song. I groaned and begged him to stop but this only caused him to belt out the lyrics (ones that he knew surprising well, actually) louder.

"Please, I hate Christmas songs." His mouth hung open. "I'm not overly fond of Christmas in general, to be honest."

His mouth widened even more. "No!" he gasped slowly.

"What?"

"You can't hate Christmas!" he cried.

"I'm afraid you can."

"Well, then I'm afraid this relationship is over!"

I crossed my arms and he shook his head in astonishment, before stomping through to the living room, searching for his mom.

"Mom!" he yelled. "Kim hates Christmas!"

"I didn't say I hated it... I just don't love it," I tried to explain but the damage was done.

"Mom, can Kim come to aunt Flo's with us this Christmas?" he asked when he found her. She looked at him.

"Have you even asked her? Have you asked her parents?"

He shrugged. "But can she?"

"Jared! You can't just invite me!"

"Err, yeah I can," he said, as if I were stupid. "My family love having extra people come to stay. And they want to meet you. It'll be great. Aunt Flo won't care."

Joan sighed. "Fine, yes. If your parents will allow it, then of course we'd be delighted if you could come," she said to me, smiling in that warm, maternal way that she has about her. "But won't your parents want you at home?"

I shook my head. "We don't really celebrate Christmas... it's not really a big deal to us."

I mean sometimes my step-sister comes down, although I can imagine her and Richard wanting to spend their first married Christmas alone, but that's pretty much it. We give out like one little present and if Mom can be assed we'll have a little tree but we don't seem to make as much of a deal out of it as some people – Jared being one of them, apparently.

Jared's jaw dropped again. "_Not a big deal! _You are not the woman I thought you were, Kimberley Conweller!_" _Joan rolled her eyes. "I love Christmas!"

"That's because it's near your birthday," I said but he shrugged.

"I'd love it anyway."

I bit my lip. I really don't know how I'm going to persuade Mom into letting me go. I can't really lie and say that I'm going with a different friend because over two weeks in such a small place there's the possibility that she'll run into them. Maybe I'll have to say that this will be the two weeks that we will have and then proper break up for the rest of the school year, to focus on our studies. Hmm, that might work.

I really hate lying, though. But she's not giving me any other choice!

"How's dinner going?" Joan asked sarcastically. I grinned and pulled him back, all the while he talked about how great Christmas is and how specially wonderful this year is going to be.

So yeah, I'm spending two weeks over Christmas break with his family in Idaho. I guess if its tradition then I'd have to get used to it at some point because I'm sort of going to be a part of his family one day.

It's quite daunting, though, to have to meet all his family. And he's got a big family. Quite rowdy too, apparently – the opposite of me and my quite, subdue family.

Oh dear. I still manage to get myself into ridiculously awkward situations. I hope they're all as nice as Jared's parents are.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>Okay so this the thirtieth chapter! I still can't believe it's this long when I only really planned like 12 chapters. I think there might be about sevenish more to come? I had planned on writing about their whole Christmas break but it really just won't fit in with the direction this story needs to go in now so that won't be happening I'm afraid. Maybe a while (and I mean a <em>while)<em> after I've finished this and people want to read more then I'll write a little mini story of just their Christmas if that was something anyone would be interested in? Oh and the next chapter should probably be up next week as it's not very long. Thanks again to those reading, reviewing and to those who put this on alert/favourites, it really means a lot :) **

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><p>LiViNgStRoNgLy - <strong>Wow thanks again for such a wonderful review, I really appreciate the time and effort it takes :) So yeah I sort of said above about 7 chapters more but that's because I've only planned on the outline of seven chapters so far as I'm being super efficient and usually there tends to be a lot more when I get writing them so it will probably end up being more like ten. And I'd thought about maybe having her next diary but I'm afraid I won't be doing that, I just have a lot of other things that I want to work on but I might do the Christmas thing, maybe like at our next Christmas or something? Thanks again for your constant lovely reviews :)<strong>

AnnechanB - **Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, I'm really glad you liked it! :)**


	31. January 13

Dear Diary,

I'm panicking. Badly.

No, panic doesn't accurately depict the magnitude of fear, alarm and absolute terror that's consuming me right now. I feel like the ground below me has vanished; every sense of security or _normalcy _that I thought I had just an hour agohas been torn right from under my feet when I was least expecting it. Maybe at the beginning when things were all new and fresh then it wouldn't have been such a shock. But I got so accustomed to how things have been lately that in my naivety I hadn't imagined something like this would happen, and not so suddenly, at least! I've been tricked into a false sense of security over the past few months and now I don't know what to do, how to behave, how to control this sheer uncontainable panic.

To put it simply, I don't know what to do. I feel like I should do _something _but what? As always I've come to writing in the hopes that I might feel a bit better, maybe find a morsel of clarity.

I just got off the phone with Emily.

When she called I didn't even think anything of it when she asked if I wanted to come round next week; I was absolutely oblivious.

"I just think it will be so much easier to get through the day if we're together, supporting each other. Don't you think?"

"Support each other?" I asked, trying not to be rude, but not knowing what the hell she was talking about.

"You know, when the boys go off."

"Go off?" I replied, cringing as I tried to recall anything that she could be talking about.

"To the fight?"

"The what now?" I replied, my breath escaping my lungs quickly. I couldn't seem to catch it either.

"The vampire fight, Kim. Really?" she said, confused as to why I could forget something like this.

It took her a few moments of my stunned silence to decipher the real reason.

"Oh my god! He hasn't told you!"

"Emily? What's going on?" I whispered.

"Oh, I should have said anything! I'm so so sorry!"

"Emily, what are you talking about?" I could hear the panic rising in her voice as much as it was in mine. She tried to change the subject and hang up but I didn't let her, for once I was forceful and guilt-tripped her into telling me.

"You know... oh crap, you know that Bella girl?"

"Yes?"

"And her boyfriend, who left? And then she was friends with Jake but then the vampires came back? Well... they sort of had this issue with this vampire and they killed him, but his mate is now like really angry and so to get revenge she wants to kill Bella, to get back at Edward (the boyfriend). She's making up this army of – oh please don't make me tell you, you'll panic so much – this army of newborn vampires. And so our boys agreed to help them. The newborn army is the cause of all the disappearances in Seattle. Well, they _are _the disappearances in Seattle."

She waited for me to take it in. She waited and waited and waited.

"Kim?"

"Oh," was my delayed response.

"Kim, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have blurted anything out... I should have told you better than that. Jared should have told you."

"No. No, this is better. At least when Jared does tell me then I'll be prepared. I – what should I do?"

She talked for about an hour and I listened. But I was just in shock.

It's this Wednesday. _This __Wednesday. _I have five days.

Jared. He's fighting against an _army _of new born vampires in five days – and apparently they're _worse _than normal ones. Typical. Make it even _more _likely for him to get hurt.

Jesus Christ.

What am I going to do?

I can't –

I can't lose him. I can't stand to sit at home while he fights against hundreds of them.

What if he gets hurt? Oh no, I really can't do this.

Why did this have to happen? Why did they have to fight for her? It's heartless of me to say so but this isn't their battle. He can't die fighting for them.

I can't lose him.

I need him.

This has all just happened so suddenly. I didn't – I'm such a bad girlfriend, an even worse imprint.

I didn't even know. I hadn't suspected a thing!

I can't believe he hasn't told me.

Why? Why hasn't he told me?

At least then I could have prepared myself! Why didn't he come tell me straight away? There's only five days left!

Then we could have talked about it, together. Panicked and talked it over,_ together._ He could explain it to me and assure me he'll be fine even though I know he won't be but at least I'd get to hear him say it.

I hope he doesn't leave it too late. I really just need to talk to him about this, but I'm going to wait and let him do it in his own time. I mean, it's only fair really.

_Oh no. _I can't do this. I can't even think about it. The thought of –

If anything happens, if he gets hurt – if any of them get hurt, I don't know what I'd do. But if I lost Jared... I couldn't bare it. I couldn't live with that. I just couldn't do it. What the hell does my life even mean anymore without him in it?

I refuse to lose him.

Why is this happening now? Everything was going so well, so perfectly, and now it's all ruined. My whole life is crumbling into pieces all around me and I don't know how to put it back together. I don't even know where I should start.

I guess I'll just have to wait for him to come tell me. I wish he'd just come and tell me now, though. I need to hold him and tell him never to leave me. I need him to promise that he'll always come back to me.

I can't lose him.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>I know it's super short but that's how I wanted it to be :) Plus I think I'll probably be able to update again in a week so you. So what do you guys think? I haven't read a fanfiction where the wolf kept the fight a secret so I thought it would be nice to do something a bit different. <strong>

**Thanks as always to those of you taking the time to read this and even more so to those who write a review, I really appreciate the feedback. **

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><p>LiViNgStRoNgLy - <strong>Thanks again for reading and reviewing! Yeah they're being pretty bitchy but I think it's something that a lot teenage girls have to put up with at some point! And I think I probably will end up putting a mini-series up at Christmas time as a couple people said they'd be interested too :) Thanks again!<strong>

AnnechanB** - Thank you so much, I'm really glad you liked it :)  
><strong>


	32. January 16

Dear Diary,

I'm completely losing my mind.

It's unbelievable how you can be absolutely dying inside but yet noone can see it. You think that the amount of fear you're in must have a physical effect on you, but evidently not. I'm screaming at Jared internally, pleading him with my eyes to just tell me but I can't say a thing, I have to let him tell me in his own time.

It's not fair for me to just say that I know. This is between us, and I need to give him some space and let him do it in his own time. He's going through a lot right now and I don't want to push him into talking about it if he's not ready for it.

But unfortunately that does mean that I haven't got anyone to assure me that things will be okay.

They might not. There is every chance that things will never ever be okay.

The chances aren't in their favour from what Emily told me briefly on the phone the other day. There will be a lot of them and I can't stand the thought of letting Jared go off to fight them. I just don't want to let go of him. I don't want to let him out of my sight and lately whenever I'm with him I feel like I've already lost a part of him.

Today at lunch he wrapped an arm around me and kissed my cheek but the fluttering feeling in my stomach was instead replaced by a sick feeling of dread. What if I never get to feel this again?

I looked at him and forced a laugh, brushing down his thick eyebrows. They're crazy enough already but look so silly when they're ruffled like that.

I went to say something but the words got caught in my throat, my fingers gently stroking the side of his face as my hand fell back into my lap.

If he can't even brush his eyebrows down how is he supposed to fight of an army of vampires?

It was that thought which was running through my brain when Paul said something stupid, causing me to snap at him. It was just another one of his stupid little petty jokes and I just couldn't laugh it off as usual. I'm angry, I'm annoyed, I'm upset and I'm just so scared and Paul seemed to want to make my life even shitter. I mean, he's always like that but sometimes I think he forgets that I'm a girl who takes things to heart and... well, there's certain things that I personally think are too much. Sure, some people who are open about things like that might not care but I don't know if that will ever be me.

So yeah, I snapped at him over something silly.

"Urgh, Jesus Christ, Jared," he replied. "Sort her out – don't leave your girlfriend so sexually frustrated because she takes it out on us."

My mouth dropped open.

Jared didn't seem to realise at first but as soon as he saw my face he got what he was referring to and then he punched Paul hard in the arm. "Shut the fuck up!" he shouted as I pushed his arm away from around me.

"Are you kidding?" I whispered, my cheeks flushing to a maroon color, the embarrassment pulsing through my body, an uncontrollable feeling of sickness rushing up from my stomach to my throat. "You _told _him? You told him _that?" _

Jared cringed. "I didn't mean to, Kim... but it was just before I phased and it's not my fault I was thinking about that."

Urgh, I guess I can't really write about this without saying what happened.

Oh lord.

Okay, so here's what happened.

Jared and I were... getting it on. Okay, to be precise, he was errr... he went down on me.

That's a horrible way to describe it.

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Well, anyway, he was doing _that _and then a wolf howled and he said, "Shit, I have to go patrol."

So of course I was like, "What, right _now?" _He just grimaced, apologised and got up.

So I threw a pillow at him just as he was climbing out the window.

Did he really have to go straight away? But what I realised was he probably wasn't just having an everyday patrol. They're getting ready for this war thing. That's why I was annoyed. Because he wasn't doing what he just said he was.

He lied.

But now I was filled with a whole new wave of annoyance. Why did he let them know? Why couldn't he keep that a secret? If it's so urgent for him to leave, why do they have time to think of _that?_

And if they know about_ that_ then how much else do they know? Do they know about everything_? _Like, our first time? Because if it's true... that really takes away from how special it was.

I thought sex was something that was just between us, noone else.

But apparently the whole pack knows every little secret. I mean, I know that they have this mind link but I didn't think they'd know every little detail, I didn't know he'd be thinking about those things when he's phased.I can't even write about him doing that in this diary, but yet they all know everything about what happened! I was mortified. I was so embarrassed that as I stood my legs were shaking. The whole pack was sitting around the table. They all knew. They knew everything – even fucking little Brady who's thirteen!

"I can't believe you'd do that," I whispered and hurriedly exited the canteen, dashing to the nearest ladies toilets.I think it was also because of the fact that he still hasn't told me about the fight, but tears had sprung to my eyes. I felt pathetic.

I was embarrassed and pathetic.

I just... I wish I had someone to talk to. I have Emily but I don't want Sam to know that I know because he'll tell Jared and he's always around so I barely ever get to speak to her alone. Plus, it's just not the same as having your best friends to talk to. Yes, she's my friend but she's not one of my closest friends who I've known for a while. I hate having to keep everything locked up.

Everyone knows about our sex life. I thought it was special. But it's not. My first time just feels cheap and tacky now that I know the pack have had access to every little detail about it. I thought it meant more to him than that.

I thought I meant more to him than that.

But I suppose when you have perspective, putting it next to losing him then people knowing about it isn't that big of a deal but... it didn't change how much it ruined my first time with him. My cheeks were so red and, well, I get embarrassed anyway but the thought of Jared sharing his opinions of me when we're doing _that_ is just... it really does make me want to cry of embarrassment.

After a moment Lucy, Michele and Aysel came into the bathroom, calling my name. Noone else was in here and after blinking the tears away I stepped out.

"What's the matter? We saw you practically run out of there?" Michele asked, their faces full of sympathy.

They'd listen. They'd be so helpful and I would love to get it all out. But I can't. I can't tell anyone a single thing.

Instead of brushing it off or lying, because I know they'd see through it and get annoyed, I sort of simplified what had happened.

"Jared... it's just, he's been telling everyone stuff. About us. Having sex."

That started a whole wave of new gossip, so they hopefully wouldn't focus on the fact that I was nearly crying. I hadn't told them. I think they'd assumed as much but I hadn't ever spoken to them about it. I hadn't told anyone because I wanted it to just be between us, but I suppose if he's telling everyone then it doesn't matter anymore.

I answered their questions and they seemed sympathetic but they didn't really see why I was that upset.

"That's just guys, isn't it?" Lucy said. "Just feel flattered that he wants to talk about it so much. Austin tells all his friends about all the things we do. That's what they do, they brag."

I crinkled my nose up. I didn't want to mention that her boyfriend Austin is a complete asshole and I just thought Jared was different. But maybe he isn't. His mom is always saying how he's changed so much and become more of a 'gentleman' since we started seeing each other but maybe he hasn't. Maybe he just sometimes acts like that because he thinks it's what I like. Maybe he is just your average, jerkish, typical guy.

If I think rationally, then it's unfair of me to suppose that Jared is anything but average. It's not fair for me to think of him as perfect. Everyone has flaws, I have many, so I shouldn't suppose that he is anything other than exactly that. He's only human.

Well, he's not. He's a werewolf but you know what I mean.

"It's true," Michele said, agreeing with her. Apparently they made up sometime over the winter break. Lucy and I had a four hour phone call where we both apologised for being idiots and now it's fine between us. I can't forget what she's said though.

"My brother is constantly talking about all the girls he's banged and the disgusting stuff they do," Michele continued.

"Urgh, well they shouldn't," Aysel said. "You've every right to be hurt."

I smiled at her for trying but the other two were adamant that that's the way men are and we should never expect more of them because all men are jerks.

I don't believe that. I know I do it, but I try not to stereotype people, especially for their sex.

What I'm actually angry about that he tells the pack everything about us yet he won't tell me about this one fight.

Unfortunately it dawned on me that I can't be angry at him if I expect him to open up to me. Plus, if he is going off to a fight then I don't want him to leave worrying about us or thinking I love him any less. What was it that woman said on TV show I watched the other day... _"a distracted soldier is a dead soldier"_. It's just the same, really, isn't it? The only thing I can do is try to clear his mind of worry.

That's why I wish he'd just confine in me. I can't do anything else to help except for support him and he's not even letting me do that!

The girls and I talked for a while more and when we left I headed to my locker and he was standing there, as I thought he would be.

Even if I haven't forgiven him for that, and I'm still mortified by it and he's ruined how I feel about sex, I can't stay angry at him. Not with this upcoming fight. Not when I could lose him.

His worried eyes turned to me as I came round the corner. "Kim, I'm so sorry," he said as he rushed up to me, and I knew from the look in his eyes that he was. "I really... you have no idea what it's like trying to not think about those things. You can't just tell yourself not to think of something."

Didn't I say that the other week? That you can't control the thoughts that go through your mind? I guess it's true and I guess I shouldn't be angry.

"I never wanted them to know," he muttered.

I shook my head. "It's okay, Jared. I guess I overreacted... I was just embarrassed. I know you can't control what happens."

It isn't his fault that he's a werewolf and has that telepathy thing going on.

But that doesn't change how I feel about it now that everybody knows. And how did he tell them? Did he laugh about it? Did he boast? Did he make fun of how I am when we have sex?

I know for sure they must have laughed hysterically about him leaving me in the middle of it and me chucking a pillow at him.

"You didn't overreact. It was all my fault and I'm so sorry..." He looked away. "I really wish I could stop being what I am, Kim. I know it affects you and I hate that more than you could ever know."

The breath left my lungs in a heavy exhalation and I pulled him into a hug because I know that with the fight looming ahead his mind must be havoc. He doesn't need to be fretting over me too.

I couldn't help but agree... even though without him being a werewolf we would never have gotten together, it would mean that he wouldn't be in danger. I don't care if I have to go without love for the rest of my life; I'd chose being lonely over putting him in danger every time.

"Jared, don't be silly. It's not your fault... I wish I could just help you, take it away a little bit. Support you more." He didn't say anything so I held him tighter. "I love you."

He didn't say anything. After school he went off to football practise and didn't say a word about it, just like he hasn't all week.

I don't want to trick him or force him into telling me; it's his choice and I should let him tell me in his own time. Unfortunately that doesn't make waiting any easier. I just don't understand why he isn't telling me this.

The fight is rapidly approaching and I don't have anyone to turn to.

I'm losing my mind.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>I know there isn't much action in this but I really needed to just show you were Kim's mind is at so that in the next chapters to come you'll understand it a bit more. And I also know you want to see what Jared was thinking but you're going to have to wait I'm afraid! <strong>

**Thanks for reading and to those reviewing/favouriting, I really appreciate it :) **


	33. January 18

Dear Diary,

_What would a life without Jared entail? _

Before he imprinted I knew no different but now... It's like when you taste the sweetest fruit and then get told that you'll never have anything as good as that; your experience of life has reached it's peak and it'll be downhill from there on out. How are you ever supposed to live knowing that?

I couldn't possibly fall in love with anyone, that much is certain. I'll grow old unhappy and alone. I know that my head will never let my heart love or trust another person, even just a friend – I couldn't possibly set myself up for that hurt after being so hopelessly crushed to pieces. How could anyone do that?

How could anyone even bare to spend a day after the love of their life, their _soul mate, _has passed away? No, not 'passed away', that sounds too peaceful – savagely murdered on a battlefield.

Its times like this when I wish I could reach for religion and believe that there is a heaven; a place where I will once again be reunited with Jared, but I don't. I wish I could. I wish I could hold onto that or believe that everything happens for a reason but I'm not one of those people. Religion gives people the strength to go on and at the moment, Jared is that strength for me. He's the force that pushes me forward every day, the reason I can rise out of bed every morning and actually look forward to the day ahead. He's why I can imagine a life full of happiness.

But I don't have any reasoning to explain something as damaging as finding and then losing the love of your life in your teenage years – at any age is bad enough, but having to start your life with that always hanging over you would be unbearable. I'd never get the image of him out of my mind and I'd never get over the way my heart only feels for him now. The pain of failing him as an imprint would crush me and I wouldn't be able to ever find solace in anything.

I adore him. In every way. I can't put into words how much the imprinting has affected me but he's plain and simply everything to me. He's the only thing I think about, day and night. He occupies my every thought and there's not a moment where I'm not consumed with love for him.

The thought of him hurt or in danger or... _worse_ is so horrific that I don't think I can bear it. I don't think I can get through that. Just the _chance _of it, the mere thought, sends me into a frenzy and I can feel the beginnings or a panic attack brewing. If I was faced with a situation where he was _actually_ like that... then I don't know.

Then the thought of living becomes horrific.

Something so simple as getting up in the morning becomes such a struggle that it almost seems pointless.

I woke up, on the morning of the fight, and stared at him for a while.

Why is this happening? What has he done to deserve having to go through this? Why does he have to risk his life?

He's so perfect.

If anything happened to him...

I sat up and brought my knees up. A tear or two escaped but I hastily brushed them away. I was going to let him tell me in his own time, even if he's leaving it late, and I didn't want him to see me cry. I have to be strong for him. He's got to go off and fight a _war _and I have to be strong for him. Because that's what I do; he protects the world and I'm the constant in his life, the thing that will never change or leave him even if he is a werewolf who shreds vampires to pieces in his spare time.

Even if there is a chance that he will get hurt.

If he has the bravery to go out there and do it, then I must find the bravery to sit at home and wait for him to return. I hate that I can't be of any help, though. I hate that I couldn't possibly help him. But I never will and I have to accept that. I can only help him by supporting him. Plus, even if I was there he'd only ever be worrying about me and that would make his job harder; that's why I have to be strong, so that he's not worrying about me when he should be looking out for vampires.

It's not easy and it's not what I want but there's no way around it. We don't get a second choice. He's a werewolf and I accepted that so I also have to accept the repercussions of what being what he is brings; I shouldn't make that harder for him.

But it's just so _hard _and it hurts _so _much.

I stroked his cheek.

He hadn't shaved so he had a little bit of stubble. Even when he's sleeping he doesn't look innocent. I wish I could take everything off his shoulders just a little bit. I wish he could have a normal life but he never will. If you looked at him you couldn't tell he was only eighteen.

Jared woke at the feeling of my fingertips on his face. He looked a little confused and wiped his eyes.

He sat up and kissed me before pressing his face against the side of mine, squishing his nose, the weight of his body leaning against me.

"It's early," he mumbled. I nodded.

"Sorry, I couldn't sleep."

His arms circled my waist and he pulled me into him. "Don't worry. What's the matter?"

"Nothing. You were snoring too loudly," I joked, trying not to show that I was in fact worrying a hell of a lot.

He growled and tickled me a little because he doesn't snore but I know he's worried he does – his mom is always bitching about his dad because he snores.

I kissed him and then he moved away.

"I should probably go," he said but I held on to his hand tightly. "I've got an early patrol this morning."

He pried his fingers out of mine, smiling.

"Patrol?" I asked as I self-consciously wrapped the sheets around me and he put his clothes on.

He nodded. "Yep."

"Oh."

I swallowed. I was trying not to show that I was panicking but I really didn't want him to leave.

"What are you doing today, afterwards?" I asked and he sat on the edge of my bed and put his shoes on.

"Sorry, I've got to help my dad out with some stuff," he said, looking up at me. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "So I won't be able to see you all today," he continued, "but I'll see you tomorrow. I promise."

My hands were shaking and I wanted to grab him and never let go. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't stop this from happening. It had nothing to do with me. I had no say in the matter whatsoever. I was paralysed and rendered helpless by the oppression of his lies.

He leant over and pressed his lips to mine. They lingered a moment longer... the only inclination that something else was going on here. He pushed them against mine with a harder passion and I reciprocated that zest, scared that maybe that would be our last kiss.

"I love you," he said, bringing my chin up with a finger. I forced a smile because I didn't want him leaving thinking I was sad.

"I love you more," I replied, knowing for certain that it was true.

He gently rubbed his nose against mine. "I'll see you later."

"Goodbye," I choked out.

He kissed me again and jumped out of the window, the same way he always does.

I sat there for a while, with the sheet wrapped around me tightly. I sat there in silence for a few hours, waiting until it was a reasonable hour and then I had a shower, got changed without really looking at what I was doing, and I walked to Emily's, my hair still mostly wet and without make up.

She opened the door hesitantly. She let out a sigh when she saw it was me.

"Hello Kim," she said with a sigh, giving me that knowing, sad smile. But then she stopped, obviously seeing something in me she wasn't expecting.

"He didn't tell me," I whispered.

Her mouth fell open.

"Oh, Jared," she said and dropped her head, running her hand over her face. "Come in. Let's get some coffee down you."

I traipsed in with the same miserable shuffle I had the whole way here. I sat on her sofa and she eventually plonked herself down next to me, placing too hot cups on the coffee table.

"I've already had four cups."

I started crying and she wrapped her arm around me, unsurprised.

"He said _nothing _last night. He had ample opportunity, I made sure of it! I made him a big meal, his favorite, because my family were all out. Then we had sex and then this morning he just... he looked me right in the eyes and he _lied _to me! He lied right to my face and he didn't even blink! Like it was no big deal!"

"You know he'll have done it for some ridiculous reason about protecting you," she said softly and I shook my head.

"What's even the point if he doesn't talk to me about this? Why wouldn't he trust me with that? Why – how could he do that? What if something –"

I didn't want to be this anymore. I didn't want to be a panicky, withering, crying, pathetic mess. But I am.

What if something did happen?

I wiped my face and tried to stop the ridiculous crying.

"What if you had never told me? What then... I'd just never know?"

_Unless something bad happened, _my persistently pessimistic brain added. What if something bad did happen and they had to tell me then? I thought everything was fine and then _BAM, _my whole world is in pieces. I never even got the chance to prepare myself, never had the chance to tell him one last time that I love him and that he's my everything. I never got to say goodbye.

"I can't lose him, Emily."

She wiped her eyes too. "I know. _I know_."

For the day we cried and ate muffins Emily. We had more coffee and then decided that we weren't going to cry anymore. We sat on the sofa for a while, watching some pointless documentary.

What were we supposed to be doing? They were... doing _that _and what were we doing? Acting like the hopeless and useless humans that we are.

I was so worried and so angry and so hurt and just so very, very sad.

No matter what we didn't, we couldn't erode that useless feeling hanging over us.

But then it started getting late and we started to get even more anxious and even more worried.

And then it got later. And later. And later.

How long did these things generally last? It obviously wasn't like a human war so what should we expect? Hours? Days?

We waited nervously until eventually we would jump out of our skin and rush to the door at the smallest sound.

Emily looked out of the window at least once every minute... it was like a nervous twitch. I think she thought I didn't notice because she was trying to be subtle but it didn't really work.

I kept checking my cell phone. I don't know why.

"Oh my God," she whispered and my head snapped up. I assumed she'd scream the house down, but she didn't. She scrambled to the door without looking back.

It was only Sam, Jared and Seth, although my mind didn't realise this. I forgot that Jared had just broken my heart and I ran out after her.

The word 'shit' formed on his lips but I ignored him and flew into his arms, which caught me, hesitantly at first, but he soon tightened his grip and buried his face in my hair. I squeezed him tightly and breathed in his scent, closing my eyes and pressing my face against him.

"Kim?" he murmured, his fingertips gently moved a lock of my hair out of the way but I turned my face so I couldn't see him. I didn't want to have to recognise that he was talking; I didn't want to reply or talk or argue. All I wanted was to relish in the knowledge that he was _alive._

There was nothing I wanted other than him to just be alive. Everything else was secondary. It was only me and him and we were going to be able to be together. He was mine and he was in my arms, alive.

All that worrying, a day full of not stop anxiety, was over and any other thoughts were cast out of my mind. All that I needed was to feel his warm skin on mine and his heart beating fast against his chest and his strong arms wrapped around me and the feel of his breath tickling my neck.

_Alive._

I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I was just chocked with this realisation that he was okay. That we were going to be okay. My mind couldn't form a rational thought; it was just pure, undiluted relief and it overwhelmed me.

His fingertips moved from my hair and danced up my neck. Eventually he started pulling away so there was a small distance between us; enough for me to see his eyes.

"What are you – what are you doing here?" he gulped and with a crash everything started to flow back in...

The lies... the secrets... the deceit...

I continued to ignore him because I didn't want to talk; that would mean that I'd have to think about it and then I'd get angry, because I could already feel my anger welling up bit by bit. All I wanted was to hold him and be satisfied for that short moment that he was alive and well and in my arms.

"Listen, Emily, there was an accident. Jake's badly hurt. We're going to Billy's now."

I moved away when I realised what Sam had said. His hands went to pull me against him but I stepped back.

"Kim –" he sighed, his eyes pleading.

Would he have even told me? Would I ever know or would he have tried to keep me in the dark?

What if it had been him, though?

"I'll get my keys," Emily said and dashed back into the house. I suppose realistically it would have been quicker for Sam to run there but he didn't stop her. I moved to go to the car and Jared opened his mouth to speak but no words were formed, just a hesitant groan.

I turned towards him.

Sam shot him a warning look. "But you know the Cullen is coming..." he mumbled to Sam but I didn't listen, I just got in the car because he has no say in where I go and what I do. Plus, Jacob is my friend and I give a goddamn shit about whether he's okay or not.

Jared got in the car next to me. "Kim, I don't –" he started and I held up my hand.

"_Save it."_

I wasn't getting into this. Not now. Not here.

I'm not sure whether it was because I was so angry or because I knew I'd start crying.

Who am I kidding? It was definitely the latter. Yes, I was angry but the pure _hurt _that was in my heart was becoming too much. I didn't know you could physically hurt so badly just by your feelings but I did. I do.

That still didn't touch upon how relieved I was, though. That was the strongest, most overwhelming feeling. I was so happy that he was okay, but still so hurt that he'd lied like that to me – and about something as important to me as his well being, as well. Maybe if I didn't love him so then I wouldn't be hurt as bad. That seems silly, doesn't it? Surely it should be the other way round. But all I can think of is how he couldn't trust me with this, he couldn't confide in me, he couldn't look at me in the way that I did him; I trusted him with my life. I thought we were on equal grounds, but apparently not.

That's almost worse, because I thought we were. I was deluded to think so. He's a lying werewolf who goes off to fight battles and I'm a pathetic teenage girl who cries over books and worries about homework deadlines and couldn't even call a person a nasty name, let alone hit them. I don't even swear.

Sure, I do in this diary but I don't out loud. How pathetic am I?

We sat in silence. Sam explained to Emily everything that had happened. Everything. Every last detail. She comfortingly rubbed his arm.

I blinked rapidly and held in my tears. My contrasting emotions were spinning so rapidly in my mind that I didn't think I'd be able to cope; I couldn't breathe or think or be sane.

I let my hair fall like a curtain between us so I couldn't see Jared staring at me out of the corner of my eye. He shifted closer and went to brush it behind my ear but I turned and stared out the window.

He leant forward and buried his face in his hands.

I felt guilty for giving him grief after such a short period of time after the fight but unfortunately that didn't change anything, guilt was just another emotion swimming round my body, suffocating me.

Once we arrived at Billy's we all got out. The other guys were already there but we headed straight inside to see Jacob withering in pain, Billy by his side.

"The Cullen who's a doctor is on his way," Sam told him, placing a hand on Billy's shoulder just as Jacob let out a gut-wrenching shriek that will forever be embedded in my mind. I'd never seen anyone in so much pain.

The worst I think was when Jason broke his arm. He cried like a baby but that seems as bad as a paper cut compared to the raw agony that contorted Jacob's face.

I flinched backwards and Jared pulled me closer to him. I wanted to push him away because I was still annoyed but I couldn't find the strength to.

Jacob's my friend and I love him dearly, as I do all the guys, but I couldn't stop the cruel thought from running through my mind: _what if it were Jared? _

"We should give them space when he comes, then," Billy said and then Jared was moving me out of the room, outside. The pain in Billy's voice was unlike anything I've ever heard. He's always seemed so strong to me but there's only so much strength in a person when you're staring down at your own son in agony.

I stood close to Jared because it was cold and I was scared for Jacob. The others were waiting, their faces stern with pain and anger at seeing their brother hurt so badly.

From what Sam said apparently Leah had a one-on-one with a vampire, Jacob intercepted and it got its arms around his body – the one thing they were warned not to do by the Cullens. Apparently Jacob's lucky to be alive.

When the vampire doctor appeared Jared stood in front of me, almost guarding me with his body. I didn't quite understand... surely if they just sacrificed their lives for these Cullens, trained and fought alongside them then Jared should trust them?

Maybe Jared just really isn't the trusting type.

Paul, who was standing on my other side, laid his hand on my arm, posed as if ready to run at any moment. I glared at him, but he didn't take his eyes off Jared or the Cullen. I shoved him off and when they were inside, Paul just looked at me as if this was normal behaviour.

I moved away from both of them but when Jacob's screams only got worse I almost ran in there. My eyes darted in horror to Jared.

"They're breaking his bones again, so that he heals properly," he explained solemnly. I lowered my eyes and cringed as his agonised cries filled the air. "We can go... let me take you home," he said.

I shook my head, more annoyed at him.

If the others are going to be here supporting him, then he better believe I'm not going anywhere either. I don't care if Jared doesn't think I'm part of this, I am.

We all stayed, standing in silence until the Cullen came out, announcing that he'd given him some pain killers and he was knocked out, although his body was burning it off quickly.

Billy told the others to leave and get some rest. More words were spoken and then we got in the car again. I don't remember what it was they said; it was all such a blur. I couldn't believe that this was happening. I couldn't believe he was injured so badly.

All I can remember is Jacob's piercing howls of pain.

Emily dropped me off at my house and I thanked her and got out. Jared said something to both Emily and Sam before hurrying after me.

"Kim! Kim, please," he called, rushing up the driveway as I fumbled for my keys. "Just let me explain."

I turned to him.

I looked into his eyes and all I saw was the lies he told. How he happily had sex with me and then looked me in the eyes and lied as if the two things could go hand in hand. Sex, something which I thought was so natural and beautiful, and then lies and deceit, something which only ever brings pain and distress to everyone involved.

How could he do that? How could he want to purposefully deceive me?

I thought we were better than that. I thought our relationship had surpassed that. I thought we had something so special, something nobody else had. I thought we were one hundred percent true and honest to each other.

So what – was it all a lie? I was just blinded by this uncontrollable love for him?

I suppose that isn't to unrealistic. I love him so much but I just didn't think he was like that. I'd forgive him for a lot of things but lying... and about something like this...

It's a breach of trust, of faith, of love.

He doesn't value me enough to think I deserve the truth. I don't have a say in anything.

I'm not his partner. I'm the girl he has sex with.

"Let me explain," he repeated.

"No."

"Please –" he started but I interrupted him.

"No! I said no, Jared! I don't want to talk about it right now."

His eyes held a burning intensity. Pain. But that didn't seem like anything compared to the pain stringing round my heart, pulling tight. I couldn't breathe.

"Please," I said softer. "Just not tonight." I kept my eyes on the floor as looking at him would be too much. "Just leave me alone."

He stepped backwards and I could feel the tears rising. Why is it that I'm consumed with so much guilt and self-loathing for saying one little thing to him? I can't even ask to be alone without feeling like the biggest bitch in the world. But yet he can lie to me and hurt me the way he did? Why am I always the one who has to forfeit my feelings? I'm never the one who gets to be in a grump or argue their point of view or get to just be selfish for a little while.

I know I sound more selfish than anything right now but thinking things and actually doing them are different.

"I'm sorry. I'm really glad you're alright," I whispered.

He didn't make another sound so I nodded and went inside.

Mom then started screaming at me because it was so late. Then she grounded me.

The tears broke free. I stared at her.

She crossed her arms.

I could have sworn at her, told her how much I'm starting to hate her, how much she's hurting me, how she shouldn't take her hatred out on the person who needs her most, loves her the most, how I was the star child until recently and that I need her – I don't need her to remind me about how I'm losing grip on anything.

But I didn't shout at her. I shut my mouth like always and climbed the stairs.

She didn't come ask me how I was, but I heard her bitching to Scott about me and how I've changed. I don't understand why she hates me like this. I'm not a bad daughter! I didn't even slam my door!

Why can't she accept that I'm going through stuff?

Nobody expects us, as teenagers, to be going through things. 'Adults' just expect that we're all yobs and don't have any feelings. Teachers at school hit the roof if we forget one little thing – or get one C on a test. Why is it so hard to believe that we're just normal people and sometimes have things going on? I mean, when parents or teachers have things happening in their lives then we have to accommodate for them but they never seem to think it goes both ways because we're young. We're 'too young' to be going through issues, or heartache or death and illness.

If I say anything to Scott then he tells me off, saying that I have to remember that she's stressed at work. But I'm stressed! Why don't I get to act like her? Why do I have to walk on egg shells when she doesn't do the same for me?

I understand that they have no way of knowing about the werewolves and vampires but that doesn't mean that I can't still be going through stuff.

My gorgeous boy Zain came and laid on my bed with me as I cried. He's really the only one I can count on. He licked my wet cheeks and brought a sad smile to my face. Sometimes I wonder if he's the only one who truly cares how I am... and he only cares because he knows if I'm in a crap mood then he won't get a very nice walk.

"Do you love me, Zainy?" I whispered, ruffling his ears. He tilted his little head to the side. He licked my cheek again and walked round in a circle before lying down next to me, ready to go to sleep. Mom usually doesn't like it when we let him sleep on our beds but fuck her, I'm cuddling my dog.

The pain is just too much.

And this all happened so very quickly. One minute I think my life is perfect and the next I almost lose everything.

Jared sent me a text saying 'I love you. Please don't be upset' followed by a few extra kisses than normal.

Now, I'm sat up in the early hours of the morning, without having a moments sleep. The insomnia has set in again apparently.

Why can't I just be angry? Angry and leave it like that, like Lucy. She didn't feel guilt for the mean things she said to me – and about me behind my back – when we argued. I was the one who called her to apologise. I was the one who said it was my fault even though I hadn't even done anything!

And now, when Jared's crushed my heart I can't even be angry, I'm just sad. I feel guilty for making him feel anywhere near as sad as I do. I feel guilty for making him see me in pain! How is that my fault? That shouldn't even go through my mind! _He _made me feel like this but yet there isn't a vengeful thought in my body that would ever want to bestow this level of hurt on him.

So yeah, I can't be angry with him. But yet I don't think I'm capable of going through that act again, where I pretend that I'm fine with everything, where I don't care that my life is falling apart bit by bit. I did when he told me he was a werewolf, that supernatural beings exist and that all I believed in – science and logic – was crap. I pretended that I was okay, that it was something you could just _accept. _It's not. You can't accept something of that magnitude in such a short space of time. But I pretended that I did because I upset him and I hated that more than anything.

This is usually where I call him and tell him I was silly to be angry and that I was probably just overwhelmed. I listen to his excuses and later try to convince myself that he did the right thing. I tell myself that it doesn't matter because I've got him and I should just feel lucky that I've got a soul mate as so many people will never know a love like ours.

But I don't. My fingers don't press the call button.

I don't know what to do. It feels like something's been broken...possibly destroyed.

Something between us has gone.

Kim Conweller

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><p><strong>Okay so this is twice as long as usual so it took ages to edit, I hope you guys like it? It's always difficult to write about dramatic things in this diary format because you want to get her opinions before and during and afterwards and it takes a while to try make it flow a bit better.<strong>

** You have to sort of bare in mind for the next couple of chapters that Kim is the type of person who really has to take her time with things (why they didn't kiss/get together even after she knew about imprinting) and she mulls it over and reads too far between the lines. So you might not always agree with the things she's going to do but obviously she has to have flaws and they need to have arguments because 30 odd chapters off just happiness would be really boring :)**

**As always, thanks to everyone who's reading and reviewing, I really appreciate it!**

**P.S. Go see The Hunger Games, it's really good!**

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><p><strong>LiViNgStRoNgLy - Thank you so much for reading and reviewing as always, I'm glad you liked it :) Haha as you can see, you were right about him not telling her! But yeah I liked doing this too because it's nice to see something different every now and then. Anyway, thanks again!<strong>


	34. January 20

Dear Diary,

Although I'm not sure how or why, I decided that no matter how much my heart was breaking, I wasn't going to let that become all I was. I was going to carry on with my life, or at least what is left of it. I was going to go to school and do well and work. I've read so many books and seen so many movies where they get dumped and their life falls apart; they let who their boyfriend was become them, just like Lucy does – the last time Austin told her they should go on a break she actually took the rest of the week off school. Reading books about or seeing how borderline pathetic woman get makes me cringe. Feminism took us so far but yet there are still so many women who let their relationship status control their happiness, you should be happy in yourself as a person, not completely lost without them.

But it's easier said than done.

And that's sort of what I was annoyed at Jared for doing, making me into some pathetic woman and I don't want to be that. I don't want to be the girl he fucks and I don't want to be a wimp. I want to prove that I'm stronger that what he thinks I am.

I never thought I'd be like this – I never thought I'd _feel _as if Jared was the only reason for me to be living. I didn't even think I'd find someone who I would love this much, let alone meet someone who would become everything I know.

Our circumstances are a little bit different, though. I can't just tell myself to forget about him because he's all I've got. That's it. It's only ever going to be me and Jared and now I'm not so sure what that means.

I love him so much, with my whole heart. There will never be a doubt in my mind about that, that's for certain. He's all I think about, all I want and I'm completely mesmerised by him... but for the first time that just doesn't feel like it's going to be enough.

He doesn't trust me and I don't know if he ever will trust me. I also don't know if I want to live a life with him if it's going to be a life of secrets and lies. Maybe if I knew this wasn't so definite, that we were just teens in love... But it's not and I have to be realistic; I'm going to be with Jared for the rest of my life and we don't seem to have the same ideas of what a relationship means.

I'm not perfect, I know. I'm nerdy and awkward and I don't get things right most of the time. I hurt him as much as he's hurt me and I don't always realise it straight away. But the whole thing about sex keeps replaying in my mind; how he'd told the guys stuff that had happened. I've no doubt that he's told them a hell of a lot more and I just really don't know what to do or how I feel about that. I thought it was special; something between only us. I thought this thing we had going on was special. He'd persuaded me that I was more than just any other girl he's fucked, not just another notch on his bedpost.

Presently I'm not so sure if that's the case. I know everyone thinks I'm reading too much into it but I can't ignore the fact that he had sex with me, knowing that he was going to lie to me. Did he do it so that we didn't talk and I didn't ask him questions? I mean, if our roles were reversed I couldn't do it because I'd feel too guilty. I'd feel like I was using him. There isn't a morsel in my body that would feel right about looking him in the eyes, still naked and vulnerable, and lie.

Perhaps if he'd only _shown_ that he was lying, maybe if he'd seemed really nervous and guilty then I could understand that he was doing it because he _had _to. But he didn't. He seemed fine with lying to my face. He didn't even blink. My mind can't help but wonder that if he's lying to me about this, what else is he lying about? How much of what he tells me is bullshit? How much of the 'imprinting' did he embellish to suit his needs? What if I'm simply in love with him? I don't know! I've never been in love before! This doesn't feel like something ordinary but how am I meant to trust him and believe what he says when I know it could all just be another lie?

I hate that if Emily hadn't told me, I'd never have known. I would have lived my life and what, had Jared sneaking off to fight vampires in dangerous wars without ever knowing... to one day wait by the door for days until I realise he's not going to return?

I don't want to be that vulnerable woman who's nothing more than a wife; nothing more than what her husband will let her be. I want to be Jared's partner. Not just the 'misses' he leaves at home to do the cleaning. But how can I ever be anything else?

So this is the life I'm condemned to, is it?

There's nothing wrong with being a housewife but that thought had never crossed my mind. My mom made it pretty clear to me that I should make a life for myself out of my brains – I've realised that that's really the only thing I've got going for me and it was difficult at first to know you're not really that pretty or funny or talented but I'm proud that I'm smart. I'd rather be smart than nothing.

But with Jared would it just be about my body? Is that basically what we're together for, with this imprinting, to make babies? To carry on the werewolf gene... to live in La Push for the rest of my life...

Being a mom is the hardest job in the world and it's probably the most rewarding thing but it's not me. I'm not the type of person who'd want to have children young. I want to actually experience the world before I settle down to try pass on something to a child – I don't want to just become bitter like my mom because I can't do the things I wanted to.

This isn't what I thought our relationship was like. I didn't think Jared was just humouring me.

With that playing havoc in my mind, I went to school and kept my head down and worked. Lucy and Aysel are having another argument and I really couldn't give a shit about it, not on top of everything else. So I ignored them and went and sat in the library at lunch. It was good because there are less people there which means that I get to escape everyone pestering me about why none of the guys had come in. I couldn't exactly tell them Jacob broke every bone in his body, so I just said they all caught a bug.

Really he was out saving the lives of hundreds of people and got hurt, but what does it really matter?

I thought to cheer myself up I'd go visit my Nan and granddad.

I was wrong.

"I've just popped in for a little bit," I told her as she brought me through to the living room. "I've got a lot of work to do and I have to walk Zain."

"Would you like a cup of tea, Kim?" she asked.

"No, I'm alright thank you."

"Are you sure? I'll fix you up some dinner?"

"No, no, it's okay, I really can't stay that long."

"Oh, can't you? Just a quick visit, eh?"

"Yeah," I smiled and asked her about her painting club that she goes to – she's really rather good. I don't think she does it as much as she used to but she's wonderful. I always told her she should sell them or something but she won't, she just does it for fun and hands them out to her little friends on the rez. I have about three in my room – one of a patch of trees that she used to take Jason and I on a walk when we were younger before her knees got bad. The second is of New York, the day she met my granddad. It's not of a big skyscraper but of a tiny little cafe. It's so cute. It's one of the places that I really want to visit in my life. The third is a silly little one of Zain. I think it's probably my favourite.

"It's quite well, we did some lovely flowers last week. Here, I'll show you," she said, passing over come large pieces of watercolour paper.

"Don't you usual like to use acrylic paints?" I asked.

"Yes, I haven't used watercolours in about fifteen years but Lavinia insisted we tried something different. Now, I'll go put the kettle on. Would you like a cup of tea?"

"No, I'm okay at the moment, thank you."

"Okay then, I'll put it on a bit later. Oh yes, now, my watercolours – I usually use acrylics, you see."

You can't say that she's already told you that because it would be rude and cruel so for a couple hours we spoke about probably the same four things. My granddad just sits there, smiling and pretending like it's all news to him each time so I just copied his lead. Nothing good would come of us telling her so we just have to pretend each time like it's surprising and I hate it, I hate it feelings like I'm patronising her. But she can finish a conversation, take a breath and then start it all from the beginning. I suppose it's a lot for her now and she's thinking about it in her mind but forgets that she's already said it out loud. I don't know.

She asked me if Zain was my boyfriend when I left, and asked whether I was going to bring him round to see her again.

I came home and cried for about an hour.

She really does like Jared though. He's polite and charming and makes her laugh, as always.

Maybe that's the problem, he's just to smooth. He can lie and charm his way into anyone's heart and I'm so awkward it's insane. I'm even awkward with my own Nan now.

Today I went to school and did exactly the same thing – put my head down, sat in the library and studied. The boys came back, but not Jacob or Jared.

Paul came up to me when I was at my locker. It seems this is the place where the shit goes down.

He said nothing. I decided I wasn't going to let him be pissed at me, considering I haven't done anything and frankly I was pretty annoyed with him too.

"How's Jacob?" I asked. He pulled a face.

"Recovering."

I nodded. "Good."

His eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth to say something bitter or sarcastic but he closed it. I opened my locker and got some books out and apparently he just couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Are you even going to ask how your boyfriend is or are you really that heartless and don't give a shit?"

I couldn't even look at him, let alone respond. I'd never be someone to come up with a witty reply so I just walked away before I started crying.

What right does he have to be angry at me? What have I done?

Oh yeah, I know. I stood up for myself for the first time in my life, probably. So yeah, I'm not bowing down and letting everyone walk all over me. I'm not going to be the bitch Jared gets to lie to because that's not who I want to be. I'm allowed to decide that, aren't I? When it's my own life?

I'm always the person looking out for everyone else, pretending that I don't care about things because I know they can't help it but I'm fed up! I'm fed up with my friends bitching, people lying and everyone generally being shitty.

All the guys act like everything's normal and they never have a care in the world but don't they understand? Being a werewolf isn't normal! Ten guys and one girl, all but two under eighteen, should not be risking their lives. They shouldn't have to deal with this. It's not right. It's not fair.

Why don't they ever seem to worry about things? Why don't they _care? _Why did it mean so little to Jared that he didn't tell me that he could possibly die? Am I really the only person who worries?

Is this the best it's ever going to be? Friends who talk about you behind your back and a boyfriend who lies to you – Jared is supposed to be my perfect match, my one and only but yet it's _still _fucked up.

Am I ever going to find a person who genuinely cares about other people? Will I ever find someone who cares about how I feel? Because my dad doesn't even care if I'm breathing and my mom cares _only_ if I'm breathing, and not my quality of life. My step dad will always just be the one to bow down and let my mom walk all over him so his opinion is nullified. My Nan and granddad, the only two happily married people in my family, are now brought to nothing by her Alzheimer's. Instead of being lovers, being a team, he's become her carer.

It's not always like it was the other day, sometimes she's really good and can remember loads of stuff. But then it's worse because during those brief moments where she seems to have her wits about her, she _knows _that she's losing it. She knows that there's no cure; she's only ever going to get worse. At least with some illnesses that aren't degenerative you can hold onto that hope that you _will _get better. She doesn't have that. She'll never have any peace of mind and neither will my granddad.

I worry so much. I worry about them every day. I worry about what I say to my mom in our arguments because I don't want to upset her. I mean, she's never been happily married. She's never content with her money, never seems to finish a case and put it to bed; it's always hanging over her head. I don't remember the last time I ever saw her laugh out loud and that _hurts. _It hurts _so bad _to have to see your family so bitter. You simply can't help but feel guilty. In fact, you almost believe that it's okay when they take it out on you because if you can't make them happy, then you deserve it.

Parents just don't seem to realise the effect they have on their children. They fuck us up in ways they can't even imagine.

All I want is for the people around me to be happy. Why it is that _nobody _seems happy? And why is that my fault?

I so badly want to ask Paul how Jared is but I know he'll tell me the one simple thing I need to do to find out: answer his calls.

I just can't do it. I don't want to hear his voice and be reminded of how things have changed.

Am I over reacting?

All I need is an answer. From anyone. I need an honest answer by someone who cares about my mental well being. I need them to tell me that it's going to be okay because I don't know, I really don't.

But I can't tell anyone, I can never let this out. Even when I told my friends about Jared telling everyone about the incident, there was still that knowledge that I was being forced to lie to them; I was having to keep secrets. Is this a life I'm condemned to? Secrets and lies to every person I care about? Maybe that's why it's so easy for Jared to lie... he's just become immune to it. It's second nature to him.

Is that what I'll be like soon? Last year I wasn't even capable of lying. Now I lie to my friends, my family, Jared's mom, teachers. Everyone. And for what? For a boyfriend who lies back to me. I'll forever live in a viscous circle of lies and deceit.

We had a pop quiz in math but all I could think about was how shit everything is, how it doesn't matter if I do well or not because people are mean and I'll never be happy.

I got an F. For the first time in my life, I got an F.

Great going considering I'm making a life for myself out of brains.

The teacher kept me behind and had a word. He told me how I used to be the star pupil, I was getting the best marks, I was even a tutor. He told me that now is not the time I should let myself be getting distracted. Now is the opposite of that time.

But what does it matter, really? The next year of your life is always going to be more difficult, challenging and chaotic. When will it ever be the right time to go through this shit?

That's just how my mind is at the moment; I tell myself to do one thing, that it's important, and the next moment I completely unravel it, deeming it unnecessary and pointless.

Paul came up to me at the end of the day when I was leaving school, apparently not angry at me anymore. I just side stepped it him, saying that I had to get somewhere.

"What? So you're as angry with me as you are him?" he snapped. He really is so volatile, but I suppose that sort of comes with being a werewolf. It must be hard, having to deal with that and the hormones going around your body must – no!

See? This is what I do. I try to see it from his point of view. Why I can't I just think 'What an asshole! Why does he have the right to be so snotty with me?'

Because that's true, he has no reason to shout at me! I'm allowed to be annoyed when everything is turning to shit!

"Yeah," I said, turning back to him. The Kim who started this diary would never have spoken like that to someone like Paul. Surely knowing that he's prone to exploding into a wolf when he's angry should stop me from being rude but apparently not. "Yeah, I am, Paul. Because I was stupid enough to think that you were _my _friend too. Obviously not. I was wrong. But don't you dare come talking to me like everything is fine after being so mean!"

I thought that things were different with him too. I thought we were friends, not just me being Jared's girlfriend, the girl he imprinted on. I thought he cared for _me, _not just because he cared about me being alive so that Jared wasn't in pain but because we got on.

That's just another thing I should add to the list of 'Things I was wrong about'.

Jared values Paul's opinions – sometimes – and I knew that he'd have known Jared wasn't telling me as they talk about everything. That means he probably lied and helped deceive me. He could have persuaded Jared to tell me if he cared about me, but he didn't. He was angry at me for hurting Jared, rather than saying 'how are you doing?'.

Why does nobody care about me?

I sent him one last fleeting glare before I stomped off on my way home.

"Want a lift?" Oli said quietly, coming up beside me, dangling his keys. I tried to wipe of the sour look on my face and nodded, forcing a smile. He knew it was fake though and just nodded, walking over to his car.

"Are they still arguing?" I asked him and he shrugged. The guys try as hard as they can to stay as far away from arguing girls as they can. They will not even voice a comment on it.

"I can't believe you left us with them at lunch though," he moaned. I smiled apologetically and he nudged me in the ribs.

We didn't talk much on the way home, I think he realised I wasn't in the mood. However, when we got to my house and after he helped kick open the passenger seat door (his car is really old) he told me to "cheer up, dickhead", which was quite nice of him. I think that's about as far as he can range emotionally.

"Your freak called a minute ago," Jason called from, unsurprisingly, the kitchen as I got in the door. I took a deep breath.

"He's not a freak," I said as I shoved him out of the way to get some food.

"He likes you so, err, yeah he is."

I licked my finger and then spread it on top of his sandwich. He screamed so loud I thought the neighbours would come running in.

"_You are so disguisting! I can't believe you just did that!" _he shouted at me and I couldn't help but smile. We argued for a bit but eventually I made him another sandwich and just took his one.

"Anyway, the giant said that he'd like it if you'd call him back when you got in, but '_only if you wanted to'_," he said.

"Okay. Thanks."

"You argued with mom again?"

"Yep."

"Are you arguing with the giant?"

"Yep."

"And your friends?"

"Yep."

"Nice one."

"Cheers."

Then we parted ways and I went into my room and listened to some music and ate and then studied for a while. My cell rang again. I put it on silent. The light illuminated the room. I turned it off.

I groaned and ran my hands over my face before sliding it underneath my bed, out of temptation.

What am I doing?

There was a knock on the door and my stomach dropped to my feet. I've never understood that phrase before but I get it now. When you see or hear something you didn't want to and everything just drops and you're filled with this horrible feeling of dread.

I didn't want to confront this. I wanted to curl up under my covers with chocolate and a cup of hot milk and a book and then go to sleep, forgetting all this shit. But unfortunately I can't sleep again, like whenever I get stressed.

Maybe that's why I'm so snappy, but I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep – probably the night before Emily told me about the fight.

My feet slowly trudged downstairs but when I opened the door I was a little relieved to see Leah but as much as I like her, I couldn't help but want to groan still.

"You're selfish, you know?" she said. I went to slam the door in her face but she walked through anyway, into my lounge. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to gather the energy to put up with this.

I sat down on the couch with her. "You're selfish because now _I _have to listen to your whiny bitch of a boyfriend."

She gave me a half-smile so I knew she was being sarcastic.

"Did he ask you to come?" I murmured but regretted it at the angry as hell look she shot me.

"Yeah, because I'm their personal servant."

"Sorry."

"No, I figured as you've finally grown some balls this is the only place I can get away from them."

I rubbed my face with my hands. It's quite nice not wearing makeup because at least you don't have to worry about rubbing mascara over your face. As I've been so prone to random crying outbursts over the past week I've just given up on makeup.

"Am I doing the right thing?" I asked her.

Leah shrugged. "I'm not the one to tell you that; I don't know how you feel." She replied but when she saw my crest-fallen face she decided to bestow upon me some more wonderful advice. "But you definitely need to put him through as much hell as you can. He was a jerk. Nobody deserves to be lied to like that. For the record, I didn't know he didn't tell you." I nodded and forced a smile. "But... just – urgh, I can't believe I'm sticking up for that dweeb – know that he does love you. Because I'm the one who gets to listen to his sappy crap every second of every day, you can trust me on that. I know what you're like; you'll read into it so much that you'll make it into something it's not, that he did it because he secretly hates you or something."

"Thanks." I sighed and leant back. "I guess I haven't even let him explain. It was just easier to ignore it for a little while."

"I know, Kim. He's an annoying little asshole but I know how it feels to be lied to and get your heart stomped on and I don't want to see you in that pain because Jared actually does give a shit about you; even if he's completely brainless and doesn't have a clue about girls or relationships."

"He really was a major douche," she added at the unconvinced look on my face. "Plus, I think you let him get off way too easily so fuck yeah for sticking to your guns."

"You just relish at the chance to see the guys go through shit, don't you?"

She winked at me and I smiled.

We talked for the rest of the night. I guess I do have someone who cares for me. I'm just always worried about talking to her about private things because I know they have the telekinesis thing but I've decided that I shouldn't let that stop me. I shouldn't hide my feelings because that will just lead to more confusion and pain between Jared and I.

Additionally, Leah doesn't have that many people – let alone girls – that she can talk to. She's pushed away all the guys because she's stubborn. She's so stubborn that she'd rather they hated her guts than pitied her. And that stubbornness also means that she couldn't ever really forgive Emily.

Strangely enough, by her being so honest and blunt it makes me feel more comfortable with her. I know that she comes to see me because she genuinely wants to – there's no way in hell she'd do it for one of the guys and she wouldn't pretend to care about me just because one of them do.

I quizzed her about her life and how she's getting on. I think she's still pretty tied up about (in her mind) being the reason Jacob got injured. It's totally irrational but they all seem to think that just because they're not human that they've got to be "superhuman" and perfect. They're not and they'll always make mistakes and get things wrong.

"Any relationships on the horizon?" I asked her, giving her side a poke as I grinned.

"You're so annoying," she said and I grinned even more. "No. I'm not allowed relationships because I'll probably end up turning into a werewolf if we ever get into an argument," she said, mimicking Sam's stern voice. "Plus Sam's a mega dick about it. He seems to think he has the right to still be protective of me."

I gasped and let her bitch about Sam for a while. Apparently even though she doesn't have 'relationships' she hasn't stopped fooling around.

I can't help but feel like she's just craving attention. Even though I can see she's genuinely annoyed at Sam for being such a hypocrite and an asshole, I think there's a little bit of her that is happy or relieved that he at least has some feelings left for her, that she doesn't mean _nothing _to him.

We all want to be wanted, even mega badass werewolves like Leah.

It was also really nice to just hear about her life, not to be thinking about me and Jared, or how much I hate my life.

I made her some coffee and a sandwich. I like it when I get to take care of people. Nothing beats the feeling of happiness you get from cheering someone else up. When she left I felt better than if we'd spent the evening talking about my feelings with her trying to awkwardly console me.

Maybe I was wrong about being alone. I have Leah and Oli – and my idiotic brother at least pays attention to my life, even if he's incapable of expressing emotion.

I think I can get through this. I think I will I be okay.

Although I have a feeling Jared will be at school tomorrow and I don't know how I'm supposed to act. What do I say? Do I act angry? Or sad? Or ignore him? Or smile at him? No.

I don't know.

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you so much for your reviews and support, I'm really glad that you're all liking the direction that this fic is going and I'm loving the girlpower haha, but don't worry, Jared will get his chance to explain what he was thinking but it might not be for a couple of chapters. But I've written it and I really quite like it!<strong>

**Anyway, I really hope that you like this one, it's a bit of just her talking about her emotions again but it's quite long and you had a little bit of drama with Paul and got to see Kim shout him down as she's kind of grown some balls now!**

LiViNgStRoNgLy** - Thanks again for such a lovely long review! You really don't know how much that means to me, the fact that anyone can emotionally relate to them is just so wonderful to hear and I really appreciate it :) I went into a bit more of the guilt complex with her and her mum because, like with you, this is something that I really dealt with first hand and I think in general that sort of relationship with a parent affects people more than what some would realise and so would be a huge contributor as to why she'd feel the need to keep her emotions bottled in. And urgh I just loved your review so much, I love it when people see things in Kim like that. I really wanted her to finally show her maturity and her strength because like you said, even she didn't think she could be but she wouldn't be a werewolves soul mate if she wasn't at least a little kickass and yeah I really just want to say thanks so much, it really means a lot!**

Mikita** - Aw thank you so so much, I'm really glad you liked it :) I'm definitely liking writing this more and more each chapter and all the reviews people write is really the main reason! **

AnnechanB** - Thank you so much! That really means a lot :) Yeah, I really wanted this to be a coming of age story and show Kim like struggling and coming to terms with things and, like I said in the beginning of this chapter, finding happiness within herself and to have the confidence to stand up for herself. A lot of Twilight fanfiction is very 'I can't be happy if my boyfriend doesn't love me' so I wanted to show a girl sort of finding that confidence to be happy. **

**Wow, anyway, enough serious talk! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!**


	35. February 2

Dear Diary

I was simply walking down the hall, minding my own business when six huge werewolves went crashing into me. I let out a small shriek but none of them seemed to be all that bothered about scaring the life out of me.

"_What are you doing?" _

I knew what they were doing.

They were sniffing me.

They were also exchanging rapid sentences but I didn't catch them all.

"It's on her. I can smell it."

"But it's so feint, Jared," Seth said.

"_Its. On. Her."_

"Just a trace but it's there," Paul agreed.

"What is going on?" I breathed, aware that people were staring. I pushed their hands off me Jared took hold of mine and sniffed it. His body started shaking. Uh oh. I know what that means.

"It's on her hand," he growled to Paul.

"What is?" I said through gritted teeth.

Jared didn't take his eyes of Paul though, who looked equally as worried.

I threw my head back because oh look, once again I was being left out of the loop.

"You smell like vampire," Seth told me, apparently the only one able to hear me.

I chocked. "I smell like a vampire?" I looked down at myself. I'm pretty sure I'd know if I was a vampire.

"No," Jared replied through gritted teeth, his shaking getting a lot worse. Like, a lot worse."There's a vampire's scent on you."

"Let's go outside," I said, pushing them towards the door. Jared didn't let go of my hand so I pulled him along for a number of reasons - one, because people were staring and it was embarrassing. Two, because they can't talk about this in front of people. And three, because Jared really didn't look like he was going to be able to hold his shit any longer.

I pushed them along till we were out of hearing range of other people, all of them still whispering to themselves.

"What's going on?" I asked Jared quietly. He looked at my hand intensely then brought it to his face. Instead of doing something tender like kiss it he gave it another sniff and shoved it in Quil's face, telling him to get a whiff then go straight to Sam, rousing the others. Yeah. Things still aren't normal between us.

"Jared?" I whispered but he didn't look me in the eyes.

"This is what I was trying to prevent," he said tightly then turned to Seth and Embry. "You two do a round of her house. If you don't pick up a scent come back and then we'll go again." They nodded and ran off into the woods. My heart was beating furiously.

Then Jared turned to me, Vampire-hunting mode on. "Who have you came into contact with? Anyone pale, red eyes, cold skin? Anyone?"

I shook my head. "No. Noone. Not since I got here."

He turned to Paul. "You check the school grounds."

Paul nodded in affirmation but didn't need to take five steps before their heads swung round, their noses twitching and their eyes on Lucy. They jolted forward but stopped. I held onto Jared's arm, pulling him to look at me.

"What is it? Jared, _please._"

"She's not a vampire. But she stinks of it more than you."

I swallowed nervously then remembered. "I hugged her this morning. It would have brushed off onto me, wouldn't it?"

Paul nodded. "It was only incredibly faint on you."

This didn't seem to ease Jared any more.

"Do you know where she lives?" he said to Paul, who shook his head. I gave him directions and he ran off.

Jared turned to me, his eyes guarded.

I took a deep breath, my mind reeling. Whilst I was incredibly relieved not to be the one having bumped into a vampire, it didn't make me feel any better if Lucy had. It seems as soon as one person I love is fine the next steps into mortal danger.

"Do you want me to, like, go discretely ask her if she's been with anyone remotely vampire-like? Because you can't exactly ask her and that will be the fastest way, right?"

His head shook from side to side and his hands ran up my arms to my elbows. "I don't –"

He went to pull me into a hug, I think, then stopped and dropped his arms.

I'd never have thought that it would be this awkward between us.

"She's not a vampire, right? So I'm not going to get hurt. You could smell it if a vampire was here, right?" He nodded but couldn't look at me again. "So I'll be fine," I told him. "It's not about me is it, if it's strongest on her?" I squeezed his arm as he still hadn't stopped shaking. "I'll go talk to her."

He closed his eyes and tried to breathe steady. I hate seeing him like this. I hate that this is happening again. I hate that this is why we're talking.

I hate that I've ruined this.

We talked once last week. It was after school and I'd just walked past him... I wanted more than anything to go back to him, hug him, kiss him, hold him, just talk to him but I didn't. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore.

"Kim," he'd called out, the first time we'd spoken since the bust up. "Kim, this is ridiculous!" I turned to him, still not knowing what to say. Leah had made me more ready to speak to him but seeing him brought a fresh wave of hurt. I looked away and he let out a heavy breath.

Jared looked at me for a moment then said something that made my jaw drop. "Will you just fucking listen to me for one fucking second?"

He never shouts at me. He never swears at me properly. Ever.

I guess I kinda deserved it.

"No."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"No, because you're going to try to change my mind and tell me that I'm wrong," I explained. "And I just, I'm not ready to be wrong yet, Jared."

"No, you're not. You're right. I was a dick and I was stupid and I won't argue against that – I regret it so much and I'm so sorry but please, Kim, I just want you to know why I did it."

"Fine," I said, but the pent up anger and frustration of not seeing him for so long had made me so agitated than an argument really didn't bring out the best of me. "But first you have to tell me why you're sorry."

His thick eyebrows nudged upwards in surprise and confusion. "What?"

"Why are you sorry? Why do you regret not telling me? Because I found out?"

"No!"

"Because I got upset?"

He wasn't so quick to dispute that one. I scoffed and turned on my heels to walk away but only made it a couple of steps before I whirled around again. We needed to have had this argument at the beginning just sitting on it has meant that I've made it into something I'm not. And the longer I keep putting it off the worse it'll get and the more awkward it'll be between us. I need to stop being so terrified of confrontation because it's slightly (okay, very) pathetic.

Too many times have I been the one to shut up and walk away when arguing with my mom, too many times I've just let things blow over with my friends because I didn't want to cause a hassle, too many times have I been the one holding back my emotions because I don't feel like I have the right to voice them.

But I do, goddamn it. Why should I care when noone does? Where has being so spineless gotten me?

Crying at home, alone, with noone to talk to but my fucking dog, that's where.

"I'm fed up, Jared. Why should I be the one who has to listen to_ you? _When you don't even want to talk about it and see why I'm upset?"

"You haven't given me a chance!" he exclaimed, affronted.

If we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together then we can't carry on like this, not talking and now knowing how the other feels.

Diary, stop looking at me like that. I _know _I'm being a major hypocrite. And I _know_ I'm being a whiny bitch but you know what? I honestly don't give a shit.

"I know I've been a bitch, Jared but everytime I go to talk to you I just think about how you manipulated me and deceived me and you didn't even show an ounce of worry at doing so! How do I know when you're telling the truth?" I took a deep breath. "I want to forgive you so bad but how do I know that you're not going to do the exact same thing the next time? How do I know that your apologies actually mean anything? It could all just be one lie after another just to get me to stop being annoyed and back in bed. For all I know you're only apologising because it's the easy way out, not because you actually mean it."

Is this what I was doing? Punishing him so that the next time he would think again about lying?

Isn't that as a bad as manipulating?

I really am a major hypocrite.

His thick eyebrows pulled together and his lips formed a tight line.

"Kim," he whispered.

I shook my head at him, urging back the tears that threatened to swell up. "That's why I'm upset. Because I thought we were more than that. I'd obviously misjudged our relationship... and that's kind of hard for me to get over."

"It's not like that," he said, trying to hold my hand. "Babe, please. I made a mistake, that doesn't have to change our relationship –"

"So you think we're just going to go back to normal?" I shoved his hands away. "You think that it doesn't matter?"

"But I love you!" he raised his voice, his anger and hurt growing. "I love you so fucking much that I can't even think and so yeah I made a stupid decision but that doesn't take away everything else, does it?"

I shrugged. Jared let out another breath to steady himself and pulled at his hair in frustration. "I didn't not tell you because I don't trust you – you can't honestly believe that after _everything _I don't trust you? Why would I even tell you what I am and go through that if I didn't trust you and want to share everything with you, and let you know what's going on? I let you in, for fucks sake Kim!"

I took a step back and looked at the ground, hurt because it was true. It's true because the last time he let me in I ran away from him. I didn't exactly make him want to open up even more. I hurt him the last time and I don't think he's going to forget the sight of me running away from him. Fuck.

"But I just... and you worry _so_ much. You worry about the littlest things and you panic and I didn't want to have to put another thing on your plate to worry about. I'm already the reason you fight with your mom and I really couldn't deal with having to put you through that as well."

"So you didn't tell me because I worry too much?" I said quietly. It didn't make me feel better. If anything, I felt worse. I really am the worst possible imprint. I'm supposed to be the one to support him, strong enough to help. But no, I'm so weak that he can't even talk to me about what's going on.

He let out a loud groan. "This isn't about you!" he shouted angrily. Jared shouting is scary and it's not something I've ever been at the receiving end of. "I didn't want to fucking talk about it! Okay?! I was going out to fight an army of newborn vampires to the death and you're the only thing that takes my mind off it!"

He breathed heavily, lifting his shoulders and looking at me with vulnerability in his eyes at having finally let that out. "You're my escape from that shit. So yeah, I wanted to pretend that it wasn't happening because I love you and I don't want that to be mixed with my memoires."

I guess what I was forgetting was the shit that he has to go through. I forgot what he was having to deal with.

Fuck.

Worst. Soulmate. Ever.

I couldn't find the words to say anything and he stormed off. I know that he's true. I know that I've made mistakes – we've _both _made mistakes. So it's been a week but I still haven't managed to find the words to say. Maybe there's just one... 'sorry'. Or perhaps the only three that matter. The three that I'm always a bit scared to say.

But anyway, back today. "Okay, so I'll just like ask her if she's been hanging out with anyone different?"

He nodded. "Fine, but be careful." His eyes flittered up to me and my breathing caught. "I have to go phase but I'll be just there, okay? Call if you need anything."

"Okay," I started to walk away but I stopped and turned back, however I was unable to meet his eyes again.

"I..." I bit my lip. "I miss you."

Wrong three words, Kim.

His arm stretched out to touch me but I'd already started walking back towards the school. Fucking vampire shit coming up again. Shouldn't this all be over? Didn't they all die in that fight?

When I finally found Lucy, she smiled easily and I hated that she was so clueless. I hate that the thing could have killed her and she had no idea. "What's going on? I hear your weird lot like ran at you this morning," she said in amusement.

I rolled my eyes. "Who knows," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

How come lying has just become so effortless?

"Anyway, what have you been up to my dearest friend?" I asked her, linking my arm through hers. My best bet was to joke about being so forward in my questionings. Then she won't think I'm being suspicious.

I was right too because she then launched into a ten minute discussion of her and Austin's relationship – how he was a still being a total douchebag but he might be taking their relationship more seriously lately as he introduced her to his cousin.

"Hold up, what? You met his cousin?"

"Yes, last night!" she smiled at my genuine interest, not knowing it was for a completely different reason. "Now when I say Austin is gorgeous, he is literally _nothing _compared to his cousin. _Jesus. Christ. _I couldn't even talk to him properly. He was so attractive!"

Wow. That really was a lot more simpler than I'd anticipated. I turned and my eyes glanced back towards the door, thinking of Jared in the woods.

"Really?" I said, trying not to give away anything but probably failing miserably. "What's he like?" She looked at me.

"Err, get your greedy mitts off. You've already got one hunk!"

I could feel panic rising up within me. See? This is why I can't do this. I'd be awful in a fight because even the thought of getting caught out lying sends me into a panic attack.

"No... I think we need to set Aysel up with someone," I said. Fortunately she bought this and agreed whole-heartedly.

"Oh yeah! Totally, totally. He's like really tall, quite pale but in a really attractive, alternative way, you know? He just carries himself in such a sexy way. You know I love my Aus but _holy crap._"

I smiled. "Did you meet him at Austin's house? Where does he live?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, somewhere far away I think – urgh, but he's only staying for a little while."

She looked at me when I didn't reply to see me biting my lips in concentration.

"Oh dear."

I don't think I really sold it if I'm honest.

"What color eyes does he have?" I asked. Her confusion showed on her face. "Aysel only likes guys with blue eyes, doesn't she?" I faked a laugh and she frowned.

"I don't know, actually. He was wearing sunglasses the whole time I think."

"Wow okay. Cool," I swallowed nervously. "I have to go quickly see Jared before class. Catch you later!"

"What's going on with you two anyway?"

"Long story," I muttered and turned to go.

"Hey, Kim?" she called me back.

"Uh huh," my eyes darting to the window.

"Do you wanna do something tonight? Go shopping?"

"Yes!" I replied, probably a little too earnestly. "That would be great!" Anything that would stop her from going to see Austin.

She smiled at my enthusiasm and we agreed on a time. I tried not to act too weird and attempted to walk normally into the woods, which isn't normal to begin with.

I'm seriously going to get in so much trouble if I get caught skipping another lesson. I saw Sam and Jared emerging from the woods that surrounds the schools and I walked over to them, explaining everything that she told me. And then I said that I was gonna go shopping with her to get her out of La Push.

"No chance. You're not leaving my sight." Jared crossed his arms and I ignored the annoyance of being told what to do.

"I don't know, Jared. Maybe getting the girls out of the way is a good idea? Seattle is in the opposite direction to Lucy's house."

"It's not a risk we can take," he said. He looked at me. "Kim, please. Just stay at your house tonight. We'll patrol. You'll be safer here. _Please._"

I nodded because I can't honestly do anything else to put him pain, and that last look he sent me and the pained '_please' _was too much.

My feelings for him haven't changed. I still can't deny him anything. Well, except forgiveness apparently. Who knew I was such an unforgiving, stubborn bitch, eh?

* * *

><p>We stayed up late talking and it was nice to finally have a friend to talk to, and I realised how much I missed her. Eventually, Jared text to say it was okay for Lucy to go home, and so I got my stepdad to give her a lift home. At about one in the morning there was a light knock on my window and I almost screamed until I saw Jared's face hovering outside. I opened the window and he climbed inside.<p>

He'd done this so many times, yet it now feels weird.

"No scent of anything having been in her house. Or around. Nowhere in La Push."

I wrapped my cardigan around me and Jared shut the window behind him. "So she's safe?"

He shrugged and took a seat on my bed. "I think so." I sat next to him. Whilst I took that as a sign to be relieved he just appeared agitated. "For now anyway."

"Do you think it was just a coincidence?" I asked. "I mean, she said that he wasn't around for long. He might be long gone already."

He leant back, looking haggard and tired. Seeing him up close made me realise how shit he looked.

Jared really looked awful.

"Maybe, I just don't know. But I don't like a coincidences like this, not ones that compromise your safety."

We sat in silence. I shifted uncomfortably.

Jared looked up at my ceiling and I stared at him. He was topless, of course. His ripped jeans hung low on his hips. If we were in this situation a couple months ago, we'd have been all over each other.

His hair had grown longer and was even more dishevelled. He hadn't shaven in ages. There were scratches marring his body that had already started to heal. But he was gorgeous. The most attractive man I've ever seen. Man, because noone can go to a war and come back a boy. Because I forget that he's killed peo- vampires. He's killed _something, _anyway.

He's been through so much and I'm supposed to be the one comforting him. I should be the one sharing his load and yet I'm just making it a hundred times worse.

I crossed my legs and my knee brushed against his thigh. His heat was radiating off of him, warming my skin. I'd forgotten what it felt like to touch him.

He turned to me and I realised my mouth was dry.

Suddenly I'm very aware with how I'm breathing, knowing he can hear. I lick my lips and when I notice he has a leaf in his hair by instinct I forget what I'm doing and my fingers are running through his hair, pulling it out.

I crumpled the leaf and the crunching sound pierces the quiet – well, the quiet and my breathing.

My eyes dropped to his lips and before I realise what's happening, my hands are back in his hair and his mouth is against mine. It's the first kiss in what feels like a lifetime. A stifled moan escapes my parted lips. I've missed this.

I pulled him closer, needing to feel his skin against mine. He pushed my legs apart, setting between my legs as I fell down against my bed. His lips caressed mine with an urgency I can't remember experiencing.

His hand cupped my face and brought me closer, his lips greedily pecking at mine, stealing short, passionate kisses. It's rough and I can almost taste his desperation. It's as if he knows I'm going to push him back before I do it.

But I do. I push him away and pull my knees up, burying my flushed face in my hands. My body is shaking but I can't do it. I can't forget that feeling of vulnerability of lying naked in this very bed, having giving myself completely to him and then get betrayed just moments after. I trusted him completely and I just don't know how to get past the mortification and heartbreak of him doing something I never thought he'd do.

Why do I have to be like this?

Surely I should be used to being disappointed by people? It just felt to familiar. Watching him walk out the door, telling a lie, knowing there was a chance he'd never come back but that all I had was hope. Hope and ignorance. When my dad left I thought he'd come back but he never did. He promised he'd come back but he never did. Promises don't mean shit. I thought that I could rely on my dad, too. I think that was probably what hurt so much, having that familiar piercing of abandonment scorch through me.

"I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry," Jared whispered.

I shook my head, "no, it was me." I walked over and opened the window. "I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

He brushed past me as he climbed out and there was that familiar sounding howl from the woods a moment later. And then that familiar feeling of tears.

Maybe if I wasn't so fucking messed up then I wouldn't have made such a big deal out of this.

It could be so easy to forgive him. So why am I doing this?

Yours sincerely,

Kim Conweller, Professional Idiot.

* * *

><p><strong>Hi guys, it's been a while! I'm really sorry for abandoning this for so long but I suddenly had some spare time and thought that I'd finish this off! I had most of it already written and there's only about two more chapters to go! I'm sorry if it's really shit as well but I'm so out of practise with writing, but if there's anyone who wanted to know where I was going with this then I thought I'd let you guys see :) <strong>

**Sorry again! But I hope you like it! Let me know what you think and thanks for reading if anyone has stuck with this!**


	36. February 4

Dear Diary,

Well, old friend, it seems like I've got bit of a story to tell you. When I first started this diary I thought I'd give up in the first couple of days because I didn't have anything to write about. How ironic, eh? I've been on the ride of my life this past year and although I do feel pretty insane to be talking to a piece of paper, I don't think I'd have made it out of all this (with my mental stability!) without you. If my grandchildren ever do read this I apolgoise for how crazy I've been but the truth is, this is fucking crazy. Werewolves, vampires, soulmates, friendship, arguments... While my life pre-Jared had been a lot quieter and easier, there's not even a question about whether or not I'm glad he imprinted. My life has been turned upside down way too many times and yet this is the happiest I've ever been. Even though I'm currently sitting in the hospital with two broken ribs.

Want me to explain?

I'll start from the beginning, this is a long story to tell.

* * *

><p>I took Lucy shopping the next day. I text Jared and he said that it was safe as they'd checked everywhere around La Push. There was no sign of anything. I thought it would be a good idea for both Lucy and I, if we got out of La Push. We had a pretty great day. I'd managed to persuade her that she was worth ten of Austin and she told me she was going to break up with him. I knew this wouldn't last but it was nice nonetheless. But all in all, it was a pretty stressful day. I was tired. Ever since Emily first told me about the fight I haven't seemed to be able to get any sleep and now that Jared and I are... in the middle of whatever this is, I can't ever seem relaxed enough to sleep. And <em>now <em>I have to deal with Lucy's boyfriend being buddies with a vampire. At least she was breaking up with him so that would get her away.

However, it all just took it's toll and I fell asleep.

I jolted awake when the car stopped. I yawned and rubbed my eyse but then looked around to the unfamiliar settings. There were cars everywhere. There was obviously a party going on from the loud music blaring from the house in front.

"_What. The. Fuck?" _Lucy said, her mouth open.

"Err, where are we?" I asked, my head whipping around in fright. This wasn't La Push.

"Austin's house. He said he wasn't doing anything tonight!"

Panic rose in side me.

"What are we doing at Austin's house?!"

"Well, you persuaded me to dump him and so I just wanted to get it over and done with. And I thought it would be easier if I knew you were outside... moral support, you know?" she said, although she didn't take her eyes off the house.

_We need to leave, _my mind was screaming.

"Well, he's obviously busy. And you're angry. This isn't the best time to finish a relationship – we should go and you come back later," I said. Later, once my boyfriend has ripped apart the vampire that could potentially be inside that house.

My hands were shaking and I fumbled for my phone. Yes, I was panicking a bit too much, he might not be in there.

"No, I'm doing it now," she said angrily. "I can't believe he'd have a FUCKING PARTY AND NOT INVITE HIS GIRLFRIEND. YOU LITTLE MOTHER-FUCKER " she screamed, jumping out of the car. "IF HE'S WITH ANOTHER GIRL RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR TO GOD!"

I ran out after her and grabbed her arm. "Lucy, get back in the car! We should just leave!"

She shoved me off her and stormed into the house. I tried to grab her again and I shouted after her but she was a lot stronger than me and wasn't having any of it.

I debated asking her for the keys and getting the hell out of there but there is the minor detail that _I cannot drive._

Yes, there we go. I can get full marks in whatever Math, English or History exam but put me in front of a wheel and I panic too much and almost crash the car. It's so embarrassing. And also just so typical that that's the one thing I need, I can't do. I dialled Jared's number but he didn't answer.

"No, no, Jared. Come on, pick up."

I called Jared again and again but to no avail.

"Fuck!"

My mind tried to recall every single scary movie I've ever watched. The first person to die is always the one left alone; usually the one outside. So I got inside that house as fast as I could. A vampire isn't going to rip my throat out here in front of everyone, is it?

Shit, what if the vampire is planning on killing everyone?

I called Jared again, but only got the answer machine.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. _

There was a chance that he wasn't even there, he could have left for country, I tried to assure myself, but it didn't help. I called out for Lucy but I couldn't find her.

A girl bumped into me and I let out a startled shreik, gave her a scared look and walked away quickly. She looked confused as fuck. She wasn't a vampire, she didn't have red eyes. I was trying desperately to remember the things Jared had told me about them.

Red eyes. Cold, white skin. It sparkles under sunlight (which was no help, considering it was already getting dark). Super strong. Incredibly good looking. Smells like shit – although that's just to the wolves, apparently to me they'll smell delightful.

I decided that maybe I should just find the ugliest group of people and hide behind them. If a vampire is roaming about the house, then they'll pick their prey by picking off the people by themselves.

I sent Jared a hurried text, 'Lucy's taken me to Austin's. Please come get me. Be quick'. My fingers were fumbling and he still wasn't answering. I forwarded it to Paul and all the other pack members that I have the number of, but they barely ever carrying their mobiles with them because it's inconvenient if they have to phase. I called Jared's house phone but there was no answer. I left a panicked voicemail telling Jared to call me quickly. I called Emily and her house and left a message.

How can everyone be busy right now?!

I realised that if nothing were to happen they'd think I was the weirdest, most panicky person ever.

I tried to calm myself. I mean really, what were the chances of him being here, and what were the chances of him wanting to drink my blood?

Just as I'd told myself that nothing was going to happen, and half believed it, a voice came from dangerously close to my ear.

"Can I get you a drink?"

I snapped round.

He was good looking. I gulped. But he was wearing sun glasses so I couldn't tell.

"Um, no thank you."

Then I realised that it was ridiculous for someone to be wearing sun glasses inside.

I stepped backwards. I glanced around the room but it occurred to me if I act like I know what he is then he's more likely to kill me.

"Aww, come on," he said in a low, husky voice. I shook my head.

"I don't drink." His lips curved into a smile. An unbelieving one. "Underage."

His lips pulled back over sparkling white teeth. A smile. All I could see was a weapon, ready to tear through my skin and bleed me dry.

"That's cute."

"That's what my boyfriend says."

His eyebrows rise in amusement. "What's your name?"

Shit. Shit. Shit.

This was becoming a conversation.

"I'm not here for the party, my friend just came in to speak to Austin."

"Oh... my cousin," he said.

My heart thumped loudly against my chest, my suspicions confirmed. I was talking to a vampire. A real vampire who could kill me in a second.

A VAMPIRE. THE ONE THING I DO NOT WANT. A REAL LIFE FUCKING VAMPIRE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

A part of me still hoped that it was just a fucking coincidence.

I looked down and realised that my hands were shaking. I hit call to Jared one more time, but I just brought attention to how clumsy my fingers were and how obviously terrified I was.

_No answer._

"He's a bit drunk though," the vampire said. "Won't be much of a serious conversation, I'm afraid."

"Huh?" I hit redial again and again. Then I looked up. I swallowed the lump in my throat. My mouth was so dry it hurt. "Oh. Yeah. Lucy and Austin."

"_Lucy?_" he said, his eyebrows rising up from behind the sun glasses. "So you're friends with his girlfriend?"

_Fuck. _I shouldn't even be having a conversation with this thing.

"If he's drunk then I should go get her. We should leave."

"Come now, the parties only started," he said. I walked away but his hand gripped around my wrist.

It was cold. Freezing.

His grip was like steel.

Should I scream? Should I shout? Police won't help. He'd kill them all. No matter how many there are of us, he's always going to be indestructible to us. Plus he's so fast that he could have me out of there in a second, or my neck snapped before people even realised what had happened.

My best plan is to just to procrastinate. Someone at home must get to a phone soon.

He must have seen the undiluted terror in my eyes as he smiled, although he dropped my arm.

"I'm sorry, but I really don't like parties," I told him, trying to force a smile.

He nodded. "I'll get you a drink, to ease your nerves," he said, his voice more of a purr.

I waited till he crossed the room and I pushed past a group of people. "Excuse me, sorry," I grumbled. My breathing was heavy and I felt light headed. I was going to pass out if I didn't start thinking clearly.

I had a panic attack in my freshman year finals. That's pretty pathetic isn't it? if I can't even deal with a stupid test I'm hardly going to make it out of a vampire attack. It seems like such a petty thing to worry about. Now that I'm in this bizarre situation where I'm in a room full of people but yet I've never felt more alone or scared in my entire life.

_Jared, where are you? _

It seems so fucking stupid that I'd even been arguing with Jared. What does it matter if he lied? What does it matter if we argue? What does any of it fucking matter? We'd be able to work it out, because that's what we do. That's what we'll always do. We stay together and we work it out and nothing goes wrong. But this, this is something of a whole different kilter. There's no way I can survive this without Jared.

I need him.

This is the mother fucking twenty first century and I can't even get a connection to people one hours drive away?

I was so stupid. Stupid doesn't even cover it. Why would you go out if you know there's a potential you can get killed?

I pushed one foot in front of the other. "LUCY?" I shouted her name and searched manically for a glimpse of her. My god I'd do anything to see her. Just to have someone with me.

He reappeared. He grinned again.

That fucking grin. What does it mean? Why does he have to look so fucking intrigued?

NOONE IS INTRIGUED WITH ME. THIS IS THE POINT. EVEN MY OWN SOUL MATE DOESN'T NOTICE ME UNTIL HE IMPRINTS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! IT'S SO TYPICAL THAT THE ONE TIME SOMEONE NOTICES ME IT'S A VAMPIRE!

"I was just seeing if Lucy was around," I told him in an obviously panicky voice. "I really have to go."

He smiled. "You really are quite nervy, aren't you?"

I looked at the floor. "My boyfriends very protective. He hates me talking to other guys." I say. It's kinda true. "He'll be here in a couple minutes."

"Well then, you'll have to wait till he gets here."

_Kim Conweller, you're the thickest piece of shit ever. _

Of course he doesn't know that my boyfriends a fucking werewolf who'd rip him to pieces and I'm not really in the position to go around threatening killing machines when said boyfriend doesn't even know something is wrong.

"Would you like to find somewhere with less people? To wait for you boyfriend," he asked, stepping closer.

"No, no, I better stay here so I can see him arrive," I say, stepping through to the busier room. He followed, a haunting chuckle filling my ears.

"All I want is to talk... don't worry. Now, will you tell me your name?"

My hands wouldn't stop trembling. At least the beer was cold and so my calmed my sweaty palms.

I took a seat on the couch in the middle of the room because I felt my knees were going to give way. At least this was in the middle.

He sat next to me. "Name?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could give him a fake name but that won't stop him from killing me.

"Kim."

He smiled at me.

Maybe the reason he's 'intrigued' with me is because he can hear my heartbeat. I was panicking so badly that it must be pretty obvious to him. He either thinks I'm just really attracted to him or he knows that I know something's up. I kept my eyes down.

"So you live in that reservation... La Push, right? Lucy was telling me all about."

_Please. No. No. No. _

"What's it like there?" he asked.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't speak normally and I couldn't pretend like I didn't know he wanted to kill me. I wiped my forehead and it was cover with a slick sweat.

I can't do this. I can't talk to normal people properly let alone vampires.

"I need the toilet," I said quietly and rushed out of the room. I found the nearest toilet and locked myself in there. I called Jared and left another answer phone message on his cell and house phone.

Why is this happening to me?

I should have stayed in the car. Oh god. I called Lucy's cell too but she didn't answer.

I sat on floor and put my head in my hands.

"What do I do, Jared?" I whispered to myself.

I splashed my face with water and paced for a moment, trying to calm myself.

There was banging on the door and I had to cover my mouth to stop the screams.

"Hey, hurry up in there!" a woman shouted.

"Just a minute!" I called.

There's no point panicking because that's what got me into here in the first place. I need to be rational, I told myself. I'm clever. I think about things rationally.

After a few minutes the woman shouted again. She was just going to draw attention to me and I couldn't go back in there. Not with that _thing. _I needed to get out.

_The window. _

Yes. I climb out, then the vampire won't know I've gone. The music's so loud he won't hear, right?

I climb out, run as fast as I can and call a cab when I get to a safe distance, I decide. There's no chance that I could run all the way back to La Push and I don't know where I am.

Hopefully he'll get distracted by someone else. An easier target. He won't care that much. there's no reason to single me out. It was the only chance I got. The longer I stay here the more he'll talk and the more intrigued he'll get. The more likely he'll decide to chose me as a victim.

Why is it that bathroom windows are always the smallest of windows? It makes no sense for them to be any smaller than usual. I took it off the safety latch and fortunately they were bigger than my ones at home as I could actually fit through these. It was a squeeze but I managed it. I dropped down and tried to be as quite as possible. I was careful not to catch any skin because the last thing I want right now is to get a cut.

I looked around. I had no idea where to go. There was a couple making out to the left, just on the outside of some woods. I wasn't going to into the woods, I wasn't that stupid. I went to the right and started running as fast as I could down the road. I hadn't been running a minute when a hard cold body crashed into me. A natural scream ripped from my lungs and I didn't stop.

He was here. I didn't stop screaming. Maybe someone would come out of their house.

What good would that do? They couldn't help against a vampire, even if they had a gun.

Maybe Jared would hear, sense that I was in trouble. I mentally pleaded for him.

The next thing I knew, his hand on my mouth, holding it shut. I tried to bite obviously this didn't help. It hurt me more than him. I thrashed around and tried to hit him but nothing. He felt absolutely nothing. There was physically nothing I could do. As always, I was useless.

Why did I run? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The surroundings blurred and I realised that he was running. We got into the woods and he threw me to the floor. He held a finger over his lips. He smiled, tilting his head to the side.

I looked around. There was nobody about. There was no chance that I could possibly get out of here.

"You know what I am, don't you?" he said, crouching next to me. I said nothing.

"I know you do. Come on. Tell me what I am."

I could feel tears coming to my eyes. I hated that there was nothing I could do.

His fingers brushed my neck. I swallowed.

"Okay then, I'll say it. _Vampire."_

I let out a breath. I was still desperately holding onto the hope that I was wrong.

"Now you tell me what you have in La Push," he commanded. My heart skipped a beat; I looked up to see he didn't have the sunglasses on any more.

Red eyes.

"What do you mean?" I stammered.

"Kim, I can smell it all over you. Indulge me. What are they?"

I glared at him as he smiled, as if this were fun. As if it's a game.

"Werewolf."

He crinkled his nose. "Yeah, I thought it smelt like dog."

How odd things are when you're confronted with terror. I'd never imagined that I would become _angry. _He could kill me in a second but for some reason I just became so fucking infuriated.

"A pack of fifteen, bred to kill you in a second," I said. His red eyes snapped to me. I may have exaggerated on the numbers a bit there. I should have said more but I didn't want it to be unbelievable.

My brain rationalised that maybe if he knew this he'd get scared and let me go.

"Fifteen?" he said. I nodded, hopes rising. "Ohh, good job I'm quick then. And, unless you hadn't noticed, sweetie, no full moon."

He stepped closer.

"It doesn't work like that," I told him. His eyes narrowed. I liked this new position of power but it still didn't help the fact that they _weren't here._

All of a sudden his fist came smashing into my stomach with a force I'd never experienced. It was like getting hit by a truck, but all the force was concentrated onto one area. I flew across the floor, chocking and coughing. I thought I was going to be sick.

"Tell me about your little boyfriend or I'm going to break all your other ribs too." He smiled sickly sweet.

My last hope now was still to just keep talking, to keep putting off what seems inevitable, in the hopes that someone back in La Push gets one of my messages.

"What do you want to know?"

He crouches down next to me. "Well, I wanna find out a little bit of information and I think that you might be just the chick to give me those answers."

I run my hand over my stomach. He grins and settles himself down, getting a bit closer and crossing his legs.

"Let me tell you how this story starts; set the scene. I'm you're average, albeit gorgeous, run of the mill kinda human. Just like you," he says, then apologises like I should be offended. "Then I get _'The Bite'. _A whole bunch of us did at the same time. This _Riley_ guy." He watches my face for realisation. "Breeding a army." He sees it. "There we go! I knew you'd know something!"

I shake my head and but I can't think. I don't know what to do, what to say. I'm paralysed in fear.

"But fortunately for me, I escape. I go off on my own for a little bit. Manage to find some fresh food a little east of here, you know?" he sends me a wink. "Turns out to be a good idea as the entire motherfucking lot of them gets slaughtered. And that's were you come in, chick." He strokes my face and I pull away. He really enjoys seeing my face tighten. "Aint nothing that could tear down that many newbies. Trust me, I know – I'm one of them!" He laughs and then lays back on his elbows. "So, sweetie, as it your little boyfriend and his wolfy-boys?"

"Yes."

"Ooh! Delightful. Maybe a little revenge is in order?"

I scramble to my feet, chucking dirt in his eyes in the hopes of distracting him and start to run. I know it's futile but I can't just _sit there_. He allows me to run for a bit, I think to play with me.

I manage to lose sight of him. I run and run but I never seem to get anywhere. I run so fast I lose breathing and the pain in my stomach doubles me over. Desperately I try to get back up again but he drops down from a tree and laughs again.

"Do you actually know anything about vampires? Super speed... hearing... strength...? I don't think you fully comprehend the gravity of this situation." He grins again. "You're not getting away."

"If they managed to kill a whole army of you, what makes you think that they won't tear you to pieces too?"

He laughs and every cell in my body vibrates with anger. And fear. Mostly fear.

He looks around dramatically, holding out his arms. "I'm still here, aint I? And none of them are so I, err," he bends down. "Kinda like my chances."

"If you hurt me they'll kill you," I whisper, standing up and taking slow steps backwards.

"Ohh, Kimmy! Are you threatening me? I'm hurt. I thought we had a connection." He pouts at me and I back up against a tree.

He closes in on me, pushing his body against me. It's cold and like steel. I turn my face to the side and shut my eyes tight.

"I really am going to enjoy sucking you dry." He grins against my neck. "Even if you smell like wet dog."

I pull away but he's got me pinned. No matter how hard I push I don't even make him stumble.

"I didn't even like those desperate fucking new breeds but I feel like as a fellow new vampire I need to respect those, and the one who made me by some kind of avenging scheme. I hadn't really thought of it till I smelt you but now I'm definitely sure. Definitely. Good news! You're pick of the day!"

All of a sudden his grin vanishes and his head spins around to another direction. I take it as my moment and get out from under his arm and run. I sprint as fast as I can but it's not enough. He crashes into me and we roll on the floor because of the velocity he was going at untill we come to a stop. He stands up, bring me up too with his arm around my neck.

That's when I hear it too. The crashing of paws against ground. Snarling and growling like I've never heard. Hope.

I wriggle about but his grip tightens. "Stop. Moving," he grunts in to my ear.

The growling gets evermore louder, louder than I thought possible. The ground is shaking with the force and that's when I see them. I've never been so thankful in my life. Just knowing he's there. My knees give out but it doesn't matter, he's still holding my up around my neck.

I scream Jared's name and he lets out a piercing howl.

"Not another step!" the vampire screams, his fingers tightening around my neck. "You take one step and I'll rip her throat out!"

They halt but the growling and snarling is so loud and ferocious that he must be scared. He must be. You can't not be, with ten humongous, growling werewolves baring their teeth at you.

My eyes meet Jared's. I know which one he is automatically. I mouth that I'm sorry.

His body is crouched low, his hunches up, his claws out, his teeth are snarled and sharp and dripping and ready to make a feast of this vampire vermin that's slowly choking me.

The rest of the pack has surrounded us and the vampire's head is turning from side to side.

The air is thick with tension and the wolves rock back and forth, judging the situation. A few of their heads turn from side to side and I remember that they're talking. Jared's eyes don't leave mine.

I struggle against the vampire again and his hand tightens. Jared pounces forward but stops when the vampire pulls me closer, stepping back.

"Buddy, you might wanna rethink coming any closer," the vampire's grin is evident in his voice. "Unless you _want _me to kill your girlfriend... I mean seriously that's cool with me, man."

I want to give him advice to shut up because Jared's kind of losing any human amount of control by the look in his eyes but I'm too scared to think let alone speak.

The wolf to the left of Jared steps backwards, slowly, until he finally stops and changes.

Paul.

He holds his hands out.

"Let's just stay calm, okay?" he growls at the vampire.

I swallow, which is kind of hard against the vampires firm grip.

I need something to shock him into letting me go, because there's no way they can get him without him ripping my throat open. But there's just nothing I can do. I'm too weak.

"Listen," Paul starts, stepping forward. "Let her go and we'll let you live."

The vampire laughs. "Am I supposed to believe that? Wow, you mutts really are thick as shit."

A louder wave of growls escape the lips of the already seething beasts that circle us. Because that's what they are, what they look like: beasts. It should be terrifying but it's conversely the only thing that's keeping me sane right now. They're the way they are to do exactly this, hunt and kill vampires and staring into Jared's eyes now is what's stopping me giving in.

"We don't care what you do, who you kill as long as it's not on our land or one of our people. Got it? We protect the people of La Push. You let her go and we don't give a fuck what you do."

His grip tightens and I can barely breathe. I close my eyes.

Everyone has to have a weakness.

I'm Jared's apparently.

So the vampire, he must have one too.

Suddenly I'm thinking of the old stories Billy tells and of Bella.

Three's a charm, right?

I need to break his attention just long enough to give them a chance to take him down.

My eyes open and I meet Jared's. His desperation is shining in those big brown eyes I love so much.

This vampire knows he's not getting out of here alive. And he'd rather take me down with him. Avenging the others is his plan right? So if I don't do something soon he's going to suffocate me.

I put my nails on my arm and quickly look down and back up at Jared, hoping he'll understand. His head moves to shake but I mouth those three words that I haven't been able to find in so long and I grit my teeth and do it.

_I love you._

I stop myself from adding one more... goodbye.

I dig my nails deep into my arm and rip.

The sharp intake of breath from the vampire is my sign. His arms slack and his head spins down to me, his concentration broken long enough that I can slip between his arms. He lunges for me but not fast enough. I throw myself to floor as Jared pounces over me. The thud of him crashing into the vampire is all I hear before there are warm arms around me and I'm being taken away.

I scream Jared's name and I don't stop.

It took me a while to notice that it was Paul but we were just going so fast. I didn't understand what was happening. "Paul! Stop!" I scream but he doesn't.

We run for a what feels like forever until he puts me down.

"What the hell is going on?" I scream at him. Why did he just take me away from Jared? All I want right now is to make sure he's okay and to hold him in my arms. "Paul, stop. Please. I have to see Jared. I have to know he's okay," I start to cry from the shock of what's just happened and the fear of what could be happening right now. If Jared gets hurt saving me...

"I'm sorry, Kim. But I made a promise." Even he's out of breath so he must have been going at his full speed.

"Want to explain that?" I sob.

"It's not really a new promise," he says with a shrug, "but it's what he wanted me to do, take you away. Don't worry, he'll be here soon."

I put my shaking hands on my face. I still felt like I was going to be sick.

"He's okay. He's fine, Kim. I heard, okay? He'll be here soon."

"Thank you," I whisper. "For saving me." Suddenly I feel his arms around me in a hug. I fully break down, crying against him. He holds me tightly and whispers things like "it's okay" and "you're safe now".

It takes a while for the tears to stop but I soon become acutely aware that he's stark naked.

"This is awkward," I say, pointing to his, err, _downstairs _and keeping my eyes up.

He lets out a loud, bellowing laugh and pulls me tighter.

"Kim, I am so fucking happy you're okay."

I force a smile but all I can think about is Jared and how all I need is to see him.

"Jesus Christ, you really scared us." He sat down on tree stump. I made a comment about splinters and he takes my hand when I sit next to him. "Don't do that again, okay?"

"How did you know?" I ask him, touched that he seems quite upset.

"We were patrolling La Push when Jared just got this sick feeling. Like, seriously bad voodoo shit. Panic attack bad. Then we go to yours and you're not there, Lucy's not at hers. We go to meet at Sam's and we hear the answer machine going and your message and... well yeah. We leave." He sakes his head.

"Man..." he shivers. "Just hearing your scared voice and not knowing if it was too late. Hearing Jared's thoughts was too much."

I close my eyes and try not to think. "What do you mean it's not a new promise?"

He shrugs. "When Jared imprinted on you we kinda made this pact, that if some shit was to go down then I'd take you – or if I ever imprint he'll do the same – and we just keep going."

"Go where?"

"Wherever. We didn't specify, not when there's leeches out there that can read minds."

"But how will he know –"

"Kim, we found you here, didn't we? Trust me, he'll find you."

I close my eyes and brush away the stay tears. "Where is he now?"

"Just finishing. He won't be able to rest if he doesn't make sure that thing is ripped to shreds. That's why I have to take you."

I lean back against a tree, feeling weak. The cut on my arm isn't too bad so it's not blood loss but the pain in my stomach is a bit too much to ignore. Maybe it's the adrenaline that was pumping through my body but I felt like I was going to pass out.

"You might want to cover that or something," Paul says, pointing at my arm. "You don't want it to get infected."

In truth the cuts are only a few inches long and barely deep at all, just enough to draw blood. But I humour him a little and pat it dry with my top. I open my mouth to say something but then I feel it, that warmth spreading inside my body and a coolness taking over my mind, that had still been spinning. Jared's getting closer. The sick feeling seems to ebb away and suddenly I don't care about my ribs.

He slows to a walk when he sees me and eventually comes to a stop in front of me, our eyes connecting and all of a sudden there's nothing else in the world.

No Paul, no vampire, no arguing parents or applying to universities or going to school or lies or confusion.

It's just us.

He changed back to his normal self and dropped to his knees, his body raked with sobs.

It suddenly hits me, how much shit he's been through. I realised how much control I have over him and how much it affects him.

I dropped down with him and wrap my arms around him.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."

His arms wrapped tightly around me and I buried my face in his neck, missing that warm, secure feeling.

"I'm never letting anything get that close to you ever again." He pressed kisses to my forehead and for the first time breathed evenly. Finally I felt safe.

I used to think that having to rely on other people made you weak, but I was wrong. Relying on others is a strength, trusting people is a lot harder than it seems. I was so sure that I was just letting him walk all over me... but opening up to people isn't a weakness. Trusting isn't when you know they won't hurt you, it's knowing that they're just as human (well, kinda) and are going to make as many mistakes as you are... but yet you know they're worth it. It's knowing that they're trying to do what's best for you, even if you don't realise they are or maybe that they wrong but their intentions were in the right place.

And whilst yes I was hurt by what Jared had done, he's not the malicious type. He'd never meant it. I'm so used to being disappointed I forgot to stop and realise that for the first time standing in front of me was the one person who was always going to give a shit.

It just took me a while to realise that.

"No, Jared. I'm so sorry. I don't even –"

He shook his head and my hair out of my eyes, cupping my face in his hands.

"I thought I'd lost you. Kim, I thought I'd lost you. I thought –"

I tried to get him to calm down but he kept crying. "Kim, I couldn't – I couldn't live if anything happened to you. Do you understand –"

"Jared! It's okay. Please, it's over."

He buried his face in my hair.

"Don't scare me like that again."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"It's all my fault," he pulled away and stood up, pacing. "I almost got you killed because I was too fucking stupid."

"What? How was this your fault? It wasn't, Jared. Please calm down."

For a moment I thought he was going to phase because he was shaking so much but he just took his anger out on a tree. Needless to say it's not standing anymore. And that was with just one punch. I don't even need to ask if that vampire is still alive.

I grabbed his arms and wrapped them around me, hugging him tightly. "Jared I'm so sorry..." I hold him there till his body stops shaking. "I'm sorry for everything. The arguing, the ignoring... I was so fucking stupid. I should be appreciating every second I have with you not holding onto what's happened in the past."

His arms tightened around me.

"I always just figured we had the rest of our lives ahead of us to be in this relationship and I admit it's kind of daunting and scary and I never realised just how lucky I was to be with you. It felt like we had an eternity to be together and I was so worried about what 'we' were that I never... I didn't realise how precious our time was together... or at least I forgot that for a while. The truth is I don't know how much time we have together and I should be spending that time working on us, enjoying life rather than wallowing in self pity in my bedroom. I'm so lucky to have you and I'm so sorry for everything." The tears were falling thick and fast by now but I couldn't stop – I wouldn't. I've felt sorry for myself for too long and he needs to know. "You're the most wonderful human being I've ever met and I should be the one making you feel like that, but instead I was just making you feel like shit for making one mistake."

"Baby, stop crying. If you want to make me happy just please stop crying." He pressed delicate kisses against my face, against the tears. The delicate kisses I remember before all this shit happened. The delicate kisses I fell in love with. The ones that first gave me those butterfly feelings, and still to this day do.

"I look forward to spending every day of my life falling more and more in love with you," I blubbered. "If you'll forgive me."

"Kim!" he picked me up and wrapped my legs around him before sitting back down on the ground. "I don't know what you're apologising for. I was a fucking douche and you were right to treat me how you did. I always knew you were strong but I guess I didn't realise how much." His fingers gently touched the cuts on my arm. "I mean, if you put up with me and a pack of werewolves you have to be a bit of a feisty bitch but... you were the one who got yourself out of that situation. You're pretty badass." He looked up at me. "Just when I think I can't love you any more, you go do stupid shit like that that proves to me that you're even more perfect. I was wrong to say that you couldn't handle the vampire stuff – that you worry too much – because that was just a shitty excuse and I'm sorry. You're so much stronger than I give you credit for and I should have trusted you more. I've been stupid.

"And just please don't apologise for what happened before tonight because, come on, I knew that you were never gonna be a chick who lets a guy walk over her and I admit it, I'm a dick and sometimes I need to be told that I'm being a dick."

I wiped the tears off my face. "I do get it," I whispered. "I get why you were trying to hide this world from me." I sat up and stared at him. "But you need to know why I was upset. I mean, what if – what if you hadn't come tonight, I hadn't been able to send you the message and I'd just never come back... do you know how that would _feel? _The not knowing what had happened? Not even getting to say goodbye..."

Guilt flashed on his face and he leant his head back, staring up at the sky. "I really have been a dick."

I wanted us to just stop talking about this but I've realised that I can't do that any more Sometimes you just have to talk about it and get it all out. This is the only way we're ever going to get over it.

"I know," he started. "I realise now that I can't just hide you from it, that doesn't mean that this other side of my life will go away. It's partly true what you said the other day, that I apologised because you got upset, not because I did it. Because I will always do whatever I can to try and keep you happy, Kim. And it wasn't the right thing to do but baby I honestly thought that it was. I didn't realise how much it would affect you – I just thought you were better off not knowing, not worrying. And I seriously, genuinely didn't think that anything was going to happen to me. If for one moment I thought that I was going to die then of course I would have told you... I guess it was just easier to pretend it wasn't happening.

"But I know now that I don't just get to decide things like that. I promise you that I'm never going to give you another reason to not trust me. This is an equal relationship. And if we're gonna be in this relationship for the rest of our lives," his mouth turned up into a grin, "Then I need to learn to share my thoughts so we can make these decisions together. I'm sorry."

I grabbed his face and pulled his mouth against mine. It was warm and comforting and the most heartfelt kiss I'd felt in a while. It was slightly salty from our tears but it was the thing I needed most.

"I love you," he said. "I love you and that's never going to stop."

"I love you too. Nothing's ever going to get in the way of that again."

He pressed his forehead against mine. "Just seeing that _thing _touch you..."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I touched the cut on my arm. He had to know and now was as good a time as any.

I could feel my eyes prickling with tears and my heartbeat rising. In truth, it was the scariest moment of my life and I'm never going to get over it. It's going to take me a long time to get back to normal. You can't just go through something like this and go back to how you were before. I will never understand how he does it.

"I fell asleep in the car. When I woke up we were here and she was going inside and I should have been more forceful and got her to go back but she just went and I didn't want to be outside alone so I went in because I thought I was being fucking smart but I wasn't I was being stupid. Then all of a sudden he was talking to me and I didn't know what to do and I didn't – I didn't think you were getting the messages and I didn't – I thought I was never going to see you again."

He held me and kissed me and ran his hands through my hair and softly let his fingertips slide over my skin. The things he's always done and knows will calm me down.

"Kim, know that I'm not letting you of my site again." I smiled and he kissed my forehead. "I'm never being in that situation again... I won't live without you and I won't live with you being that scared again. I'm not letting anything happen to you. I should have been protecting you –"

"No, Jared! This wasn't your fault, please believe that."

"I shouldn't have let you go today."

I put my finger under his chin. His massive bum chin that I love so much. "You think I would have listened to you?"

Even though he looked like he was trying very hard not to, his gorgeous lips formed a grin.

"Jared, I think I've learnt my lesson. We don't get anything out of dwelling on the past. All we need to know is that I'm okay, you're okay and that we love each other. At the end of the day that's the only thing that matters. In twenty or fifty years time that's going to be the only thing that matters. Yes we're gonna go through shit – although hopefully a little less dangerous shit – but it's always gonna come down to the fact that I love you and I want to spend every second of my life with you. What's done is done. All I know is that you saved my life and I'm gonna spend my life making up for that."

"Will you pay it back in kisses?" His cheeky smirk returned and I felt my heart shudder. I'm going to be spending the rest of my life falling more and more in love with him.

"You bet," I said, pushing him backwards into the floor of the woods. It was probably very uncomfortable for him but I didn't care, and I doubt he cared either. I kissed him. And then again. And again. "You're gonna really regret asking for it back in kisses."

He shook his head. "Sometimes it's like you don't know me at all." He pulled me close and captured my lips in his. His hand settled on my waist as I trailed kisses down his neck.

"Fuck. I've missed you so much," he murmured. I sat up and stared into his eyes. "I've missed your smell and your touch and your warmth and how soft you are and waking up next to you having you curl up against me and your kisses – and I miss the fucking cuddles!" I giggled.

"I'm telling the pack you said that," I threatened but his smile didn't falter.

"Don't worry – they heard, the nosey fucking bastards... I don't care. I fucking miss your cuddles so bad. What the hell has happened to me?"

I grinned. "My cuddles are pretty good."

"I love you," he said, looking happier than I'd seen him in a while.

"I know," I replied and it felt bizarre. I never actually thought I'd believe that. I never really thought I'd believe in true everlasting love – definitely not soul mates. But, here we are.

"I love you more."

He shook his head. "We're going to be arguing about that for a long time."

I pressed my lips to his. "I look forward to it."

* * *

><p>So that's it, Diary. How I nearly died. My story. I really never thought this was going to go this far. So much for being just an ordinary girl.<p>

Jared's currently fast asleep in the chair next to my hospital bed. I shouldn't be here much longer, but they're just checking my cracked ribs haven't caused any further damage. But I'm going to be fine. Jared hasn't left, though. When he said that he wasn't letting me out of his sight, he really meant it. He didn't even like it when I tried to go to the toilet alone so when I forced him to go get this diary, he wasn't pleased but he managed to get back in a couple minutes. His head is currently leant against my leg and his hand cupped mine, holding it tightly against him.

While if I could chose how things have happened I'd definitely do things in a different way (I'm not the 'everything happens for a reason' type of girl), I am happy with how things have turned out. We've been through some ups and downs but I'm glad this is how we've ended up. But really it's not the end of the story, it's just the beginning of a new one. A new chapter. I may not know how many years I'm going to live (and with the stress of being a werewolf's imprint I reckon I've decreased my life expectancy considerably), I know I'm going to spend every one of them with Jared, having many more crazy adventures and exciting tales to come. And I can't wait.

Yours always,

Kim Conweller

* * *

><p><strong>Aah so that's it guys! I think I've got one epilogue but this is the conclusion to their lives at this moment! I hope you guys liked it and please tell me what you thought in a review, I really appreciate it :) I'll hopefully get the epilogue posted soon to fully finish this off. I'm really sad to have to end this but it's nice to know that this is finished.<strong>**Thanks for reading and everything, and thanks for sticking with it!**


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